#dearnobody

I wanna be the person you call at 2am when you can’t sleep;

The thought that makes you smile:

The reason you get up in the morning.

~future spouse

Dear No One,

Honestly, I had never really put a ton of thought into it when I was younger. I mean yea, I knew it was awful, yea I knew it was real. But, here’s the thing; I grew up in a very small town. Now I’m talking a town full of white people, we had one family that was black, maybe two or three that were Filipino. But that’s it. And we all loved each other. However, I do also know that they did face some low level racism. But it never occurred to me just how bad the world really is.

Now as a 31 year old living in a big city, filled with different races and cultures, I see it more and more. Now as a white woman dating an Arab man, I see and experience it more and more.

Last year my boyfriend and I took my daughter (not his, mine from a previous relationship) to a summer fair near my hometown. This fair was located in another small town very close to my hometown. I didn’t think anything of it. When we got there, my boyfriend immediately was uncomfortable. There was no one there of any other race/ethnicity/culture aside from white. Again, this didn’t even cross my mind, because this is where I grew up. This is what I was used to. We had gone to one of the barns on the fair grounds to watch an exotic animals show. We were sitting down when my brother had called me, so I excused myself and stepped out of the barn to take the call. I came back and my boyfriend quietly explained to me that he was incredibly uncomfortable because the lady that was sitting beside me kept staring at him, and then staring at my daughter and giving him dirty looks. I then noticed it. I noticed how anytime he would rest his hand on my leg, she would look over and scoff. I noticed that if we were holding hands she would give us dirty looks. I noticed that if my daughter even acknowledged him, this lady would be blown away. Being me, I was about to say something. I’m not a confrontational kind of person, in fact, I tend to avoid it and just leave situations that I feel are hostile. My boyfriend could tell that I was about to explode on this lady and lose my mind. He was able to just get me to calm down and mind my own. Reminding me that we are not in the city, that it’s not the “norm” for these people. Fine. I bit my tongue.

But it shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t be worried to bring my boyfriend around my family. (Not my immediate family, they have met him and love him. I’m talking my aunts, uncles, cousins & grandma). I’m terrified because they are all incredibly religious. My cousin had dated a black girl once when we were in high school and it was met with a lot of scrutiny from my family. To be completely honest, I don’t even get along with 97% of my family. I generally avoid family gatherings. I don’t have most of them on social media. I don’t keep in touch, but that’s a story for another post. But I want to be able to take my boyfriend to my grandparents (now my father’s) farm to show him where I grew up. To show him how I lived as a child. But it’s impossible with them all there all the time. They are the most judgemental people I’ve ever met. They have never liked any of my boyfriends, and they have all been white before my current partner. Maybe it’s just because they don’t like me.

Dear Nobody, 17/05/2025 9:20pm

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like this. Wanting to run away from everything and live in a cabin by your self.

I started going to the gym bc everyone was like "it's going to help ur physical and mental health". I just wanted a distraction from life.

I feel like life is a constant battle trying to make everyone happy. If not family, my friends if not them then my man and like my happiness is never on my radar bc whenever I am happy I somehow mess it up by saying or doing the wrong thins #selfsabotagequeen.

Like, its so draining ,man.

Then I feel like I'm the problem bc I am too much or I act out too much.

I just wanna go and live in a place where no one knows me or has any exceptions from me y'know.?

But then I'm also like I am very loved for by my sisters and friends and my man but like at the end of the day I just feel so tired and I don't get it.

Then I get used to feeling like this and then in a week or two Im back to "normal" whatever that means. Like my man and I have been together for almost 1 year but idk recently all we've been arguing or fighting so much and before it was so nice and peaceful now its like anytime we talk argument.

I try so hard to shut my mouth not to cause an argument. Ik I don't have to because he will be understand and kind but I get so tired and drain from fighting I just cry and cry and cry.

I can probably blame my childhood trauma on my way of coping with stuff but somehow God wanted to make me self- aware AND have a kind heart.

Like that combo is deadly.

How can ik all the dumb stuff I do and then on top of it feel bad when people hurt me and treat me badly?

Then again I don't even realize I'm being treated badly unless I'm being physical abused.

Like at the end of the day I just want a break from people without the guilt of leaving/hurting anyone.

Anyway thats my rant for the day if anyone actually read the whole thing Thank you and lmk if you relate or any insights you have.

Till next time 🫶🏽

I feel like I'm always here when I'm either angry or sad. I sometimes wish I had someone who cared enough to hear me out. It's not that I don't have people that listen, it's just that I know they only listen because they feel obligated to.

Anyways that's not why I'm angry this time. Now that I think about it, I'm more disappointed with how a particular situation turned out. But can I really blame myself for this major misunderstanding I've been going through? Heavens no, it's sad that I was kinda waiting for something to come along that would make me feel an ick.

Ugh, why do men always choose to be so fucking elusive? Now I feel naive for assuming the type of relationship I'm getting involved in. Honestly, my fwb is doing a better job at being honest and nonproblematic. I see why people like me choose it over an actual relationship, sigh. I guess my decision not to be in a serious relationship with anyone isn't gonna change for now.

Everybody wants to be casually dating and include sex and not be in a relationship. It's even more discouraging to date when the people you're attracted to share different values & morals. How the fuck am I supposed to find love if no one wants to be in love? Don't get me wrong, I love myself, way more than I did a few years ago. So finding love isn't a necessity, but it is a want.