SOFTTHOUGHTSLOUDWORLD

Dear Nobody, 29/05/2025 5:00 am

Hey guys, it’s me again. I know it’s been a minute since my last update and honestly, nobody’s probably going to read this LMAO. But I wanted to try writing because I was told expressing feelings in a blog or digital diary might help.

So, on Wednesday, May 21, 2025, I got diagnosed with Autism Level 1, borderline ADHD, depression, and anxiety. At first, I didn’t really care I was like, “Oh, okay, add these to the list,” since I already have lung, heart, ovary, and kidney issues. But then, I don’t know why, today one week later.I’ve been bawling my eyes out on and off for the past 4 hours just thinking, I have autism. Like, really I HAVE AUTISM.

I haven’t told many people just my two friends, my boyfriend, my mom, and my grandma (my mom told her). Their reactions were all over the place; everyone tried to be supportive but didn’t really know what to say. Honestly, I thought this diagnosis wouldn’t change anything because I’m still me. But then I’m doing my daily tasks and suddenly realize, “Oh, this is the autism. This is the ADHD.” And that’s been messing with my head a lot.

I don’t know how to feel about it... I’ve had like five mental breakdowns crying for hours, LOL. I get that having autism doesn’t define me, but it’s a part of me. And honestly, I’m tired of everything always feeling wrong with me. I just want to function and live life without new stuff coming up every few years like “She has another illness or disorder.” Ugh.

I don’t know who to talk to because I have a supportive boyfriend and friends, but I just want to scream and cry without feeling like I’m dumping on their plates everyone has their own struggles. Plus, I come from a toxic family environment that doesn’t help, and sometimes I feel like everyone’s going to leave or hurt me. I still trust people though, so maybe the problem’s me? I don’t know.

Anyway, if anyone reads this and relates, I see you. You are worthy of love and care, and you are more than enough. And if that sounds cheesy, hey there are people out there you’ve got to prove wrong. That’s my motivation anyway. 🫶🏽

Till Next Time 🫶🏽

Dear Nobody, 17/05/2025 9:20pm

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like this. Wanting to run away from everything and live in a cabin by your self.

I started going to the gym bc everyone was like "it's going to help ur physical and mental health". I just wanted a distraction from life.

I feel like life is a constant battle trying to make everyone happy. If not family, my friends if not them then my man and like my happiness is never on my radar bc whenever I am happy I somehow mess it up by saying or doing the wrong thins #selfsabotagequeen.

Like, its so draining ,man.

Then I feel like I'm the problem bc I am too much or I act out too much.

I just wanna go and live in a place where no one knows me or has any exceptions from me y'know.?

But then I'm also like I am very loved for by my sisters and friends and my man but like at the end of the day I just feel so tired and I don't get it.

Then I get used to feeling like this and then in a week or two Im back to "normal" whatever that means. Like my man and I have been together for almost 1 year but idk recently all we've been arguing or fighting so much and before it was so nice and peaceful now its like anytime we talk argument.

I try so hard to shut my mouth not to cause an argument. Ik I don't have to because he will be understand and kind but I get so tired and drain from fighting I just cry and cry and cry.

I can probably blame my childhood trauma on my way of coping with stuff but somehow God wanted to make me self- aware AND have a kind heart.

Like that combo is deadly.

How can ik all the dumb stuff I do and then on top of it feel bad when people hurt me and treat me badly?

Then again I don't even realize I'm being treated badly unless I'm being physical abused.

Like at the end of the day I just want a break from people without the guilt of leaving/hurting anyone.

Anyway thats my rant for the day if anyone actually read the whole thing Thank you and lmk if you relate or any insights you have.

Till next time 🫶🏽

Dear Nobody,

I started this blog because, frankly, my brain is a cluttered mess, and sometimes, I need to empty the junk drawer. I figured writing would help. Plus, I couldn’t fit my thoughts on a Post-It note (trust me, I tried). So here we are, me trying to make sense of the noise in my head while also pretending to have it all together. Spoiler: I don’t.

Life’s been a lot, and if you’re wondering what it’s like, imagine juggling fire while riding a unicycle while trying to read a book about burnout and existential dread. (It’s not pretty.) Autism, mental health struggles, a touch of overthinking, and the constant question of “Am I doing this wrong?” fill up my days.

Some days, I feel like a robot that’s been unplugged for a while and just doesn’t know how to re-charge. Other days, I feel like I’m running on Vanilla Coke and anxiety, which is... a vibe. My body and mind don’t always sync up, but at least we’re all here for the ride, right?

But it’s not all doom and gloom. I’m learning to laugh at my mess and take things one step at a time (even if those steps are slow and sometimes require a nap). So, this blog is where I can process the chaos, let out some thoughts, and maybe even crack a few jokes while I’m at it. If anyone reads this and relates  hi, you’re not alone. We’re all just figuring it out, and sometimes that means getting a little lost, having a meltdown over spilled Vanilla Coke, and laughing at how ridiculous it all is.

And, hey, if nothing else, at least I have somewhere to vent without bothering my friends for the millionth time. I swear, they probably think I’m an emotional rollercoaster with a one-way ticket to chaos.

It’s strange though, isn’t it? How life can feel like a constant balancing act, and yet, we all keep going. We all keep trying, even when things don’t always make sense. Maybe that’s what this is about just figuring it out, one small step, one tiny moment of clarity at a time. And knowing that there’s always someone else out there, doing the same.