#ddnos-1

I wish everyone in an intrasystem relationship a very nice Valentine’s.

Basically, we really want to know what the hell is wrong with us. We want to narrow down possibilities on our own before trying to seek out “professionals.” Obviously we know no one on Tumblr can “diagnose” us. We’re not asking for that. What we are asking is whether or not you’ve read/seen/heard/watched/etc. anything that might give us some clues about what the fuck is going on here.

Here are the particulars:

1.      To the best of my knowledge, I went through ritual abuse and other things. My abuse started around age 2-ish (at the oldest), and ended likely around age 25 (a little under a year ago) when I fled. There is some evidence of programming/mind-control, but it doesn’t seem to work like anyone else’s that I’ve met.

2.      We are a multiple system. It seems like we have two major “spheres” of consciousness that alters can inhabit. Anyone who comes into the “main” sphere ends up able to access the general memory bank and such. This means that although everyone’s personalities are very different, differences in handwriting or what-have-you are generally performative for the sake of eliminating dysphoria between people. However, there’s sort of an in-between space (between the two spheres), and a second sphere. Some alters seem to primarily exist there, but I have literally no real evidence for this except for a hunch.

The really weird part is that a given person can front in any sphere, but not at will. It’s rare. In the first sphere, our pain sensitivity is insane. We can’t handle anything. In the middle and farther spheres, our pain sensitivity is low and we don’t notice slamming into tables. I’ve only consciously been in those spaces once in my life.

3.      In day-to-day life, there is no time-loss. I never start doing something at 6 a.m. and suddenly notice it’s 3 p.m. and wonder where the time went. Most of the time, I’m always front unless I try to get someone else to front. In spite of this, there have been periods in my life where multiple people have seen me someplace I have no memory of being and heard me going by a different name/using a different accent. Sometimes I have heard “you did _________ in the middle of the night,” but there is no gap. There is no void in my memory to indicate that anything’s missing.

4.      It seems like every time I “lose time,” I have a false memory of everything being normal during that period. Like…I’ll remember being at home chilling on my computer when that isn’t actually what happened during that period.

5.      It also seems like I don’t “lose time” unless abusers are actively making it happen somehow. I have literally never blacked out from a trigger before. Most people I know who have DID end up blacking out/100% dissociating and switching because they’re triggered even if no abusers are present and nothing actually concretely dangerous is happening. This does not happen to me. It doesn’t seem to be just programming (not entirely, anyway) either, because I was occasionally (very rarely) able to resist cues even before I knew what they were.  

6.      We kind of have systems within systems. Switching between alters is less significant than switching between semi-overlapping “spheres” of consciousness. Also, some switches feel heavier than others.

7.      It seems like some memory-loss is alter-specific and other memory-loss is system-wide. Some trauma that I can’t remember actually happened to me and not to an alter. I have recovered memories and realized (looking back) that they were very clearly my memories all along. Some alters have had similar experiences with their own memories.

8.      Most of the time, it almost seems like DDNOS/OSDD, but I know there are some pretty distinct states and there have been times when full 100% non-remembered stuff has taken place. I also know that some system members who I have partial communication with used to be unaware of me and vice versa. Some people say it sounds like DID, others say it sounds like DDNOS/OSDD. Others say I just sound normal/like I’m not multiple at all. Ugh.

These are based on my own experiences. I'm not a psychologist.

Myth: All DDNOS-1/OSDD systems are "vague" and "blurry," with much less clearly defined alters/headmates than DID systems.

Fact: Personality-wise, system members can be just as distinct in DDNOS-1/OSDD as they are in DID, or they can be less so. There simply isn't time-loss between switches.

Myth: If you have DDNOS-1, your trauma wasn't as bad as someone with DID's.

Fact: Different brains respond differently to traumatic experiences. What kind of multiple system you are does not determine how bad your abuse was. In fact, not all people who go through extreme abuse are multiple at all.

Myth: DDNOS-1 people are "stronger" than people with DID because they "manage" not to switch all the time or black out.

Fact: Simply because switching or blacking out isn't a part of our disorder does not mean that we're "stronger" than people who experience those things. It just means we're dealing with something different than what they're dealing with.

Myth: DDNOS-1 is some half-way category for DID-ers who are in denial.

Fact: This is b.s. 

Myth: Any system where multiple people front at once (particularly more than 2 or 3) is faking.

Fact: Tons of people around at once is common in many cases of DDNOS-1/OSDD.

Myth: All RA survivors with MC/programming turn out DID.

Fact: This isn't true. I am more on the DDNOS-1/OSDD side of things, and I have RA trauma. Some mind-control can work with a DDNOS-1 framework just as easily as it can with a DID one.

Myth: The only difference between DDNOS-1 and DID is time-loss.