#davidsedaris

She was tall, curvy and she had the perkiest tits I’ve ever seen. She approached the counter with several returns: a few spring dresses, a jar of face cream a few push up bra’s, among a variety of merchandise. I was able to accept all of the items but one; a pair of designer earrings.

“We do have a strict policy when it comes to certain items, this pair of earrings will need to be returned over in the jewelry department.”

“Really, you can’t do it here? I mean that’s, just like, such a hassle for me,” She protested.

“Unfortunately the jewelry department has different guidelines when it comes to returning designer items, so it does need to be taken back in that department. It’s on this level right on the opposite side of the escalator.”

“Ugh. Okay fine. Whatever,” she spat, putting the earrings in her purse.

As I finished up processing her transaction she dramatically removed them, slapped them on the counter and said, “No. I won’t accept this policy of yours. I’ve done it here before.”

I held on tight to my patience for fear I would lose it, “I apologize, we do try to stay consistent with our policies. These do need to be taken back in the jewelry department.”

Policies are important whether you’re a multi-billion dollar corporation or a simple human trying to make it through life alive. I, myself, have a strict policy against having intercourse with chimpanzees. Is it physically possible? Of course. However, even if a chimpanzee insisted I was the most beautiful creature on two legs and he desired for me to spank him with a leather paddle and call him daddy; furthermore, INSISTING that our ancestry is basically parallel; I would decline his offer because, as I previously stated, IT’S AGAINST MY POLICY.

The beautiful bean stalk with perky tits huffed and puffed. She rolled her eyes. Her whole body reacted to my adamant refusal. It was strange. She picked up the earrings and threw them back in her bag. She turned to a woman standing by the escalator who, I’m assuming, was her friend. She began dramatically waving her arm at the woman to get her attention and yelled, “Bernice, they’re making me take the earrings back in the jewelry department so it just gonna take a bit more TIME.”