For the Love of Cows

That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m suppose to go see people this week and the urge to just not go sounds so appealing.

Like it’s a whole ass social event and the idea of even being around more than one person sounds so overwhelming. Like I just wanna sit in a corner and watch. I don’t wanna talk to a single soul. Just camp out and be there but read a book and have everyone just ignore me.

We’re running a race. It’s a 5k. I usually am so excited for this event, to cheer people on, be the one that brings glitter. I feel like I’m just gonna have to plaster a fake as smile on my face for 3 days straight.

I can feel my patience is already low. I don’t wanna snap at my friends, but it’s likely to happen. I’m gonna try my best not to. Cause I honestly may just leave and go home. Pack up my bag and act like a petulant child stomp my feet and Irish goodbye people.

I don’t like that I feel this way, but it’s how I feel. Maybe it’s just my way of pushing people away. Cause it feels like these “great friendships” feel very fleeting. So I’m ok with it fizzling out. It’s feels weird saying that cause these people were my ride or dies just last year. Now I’m sad and frustrated. Feels like there isn’t a two way relationship with some of them.

In the great words of Noah Kahan, people grow and they move away.

I think I just wanted to get this off my chest. In a place where they don’t follow me. My little corner I built for myself on this stupid internet.

Did you know that getting to do the one thing that makes you happy can really turn your outlook on life around? Also having less back pain (nerve pain) can really make you happy.

I got to get a 2 mile run in and a 3 mile walk in today and I feel so much better. The run wasn’t particularly great, my back was still achy. But fuck do I feel better physically and mentally.

When I spent a year in a deep dark hole of nerve pain while trying to do a job that was physically harming me, I didn’t know how to deal. I couldn’t run.I started having full blown panic attacks on my way to calls cause I knew I would be in so much pain. I ate my sadness for the person I was losing. I finally put my foot down at work, they showed me I wasn’t important enough to support. I left being a large animal vet. Said “bye Felicia” to them as I gave them 2 weeks notice. I felt like a lost a whole piece of myself.

I have glimpses of a life I love that I could lose each time my back hurts. I cope better now, in most ways. It’s still a work in progress. I didn’t have a full panic of tears when I got hurt this time. I let my body rest. Learning to be kinder to myself, really helps.

So I hurt my back doing something. I mean having two herniated discs doesn’t always take a lot honestly.

I went for a walk and tried a tiny little bit of running and it wasn’t great but not terrible. But not good enough to keep trying. I’m hoping by Saturday I’ll be feeling better and can go for a run. We’ll see.

Seems to be butterfly season though so snapped this picture of a monarch on my walk.

Also book 6 of DCC has made me cry at least a minimum of 2 times. Possibly more. I’m almost done with book 6, and I have a feeling it’s just gonna continue to be an emotional roller coaster. Laughing one minute then absolutely sobbing the next.

Had an amazing time in Minneapolis for the Noah Kahan concert on Wednesday 8/5/26.

He puts on a great show. I got to see him at a smaller venue in 2024 in Wisconsin. I didn’t know I needed Noah in my life until he got TikTok famous with stick season, but all his old stuff is so good as well.

Needless to say, I won’t the ticket master war for this, but never did for Taylor Swift (biggest life regret, not going to the Eras tour).

Some days, I get to pull things out of animals stomach with the scope. Makes up for those other days when all I do is give people bad news.

First is the sock in a dogs stomach and offending chewed up sock.

Second is a needle and thread a cat ate and then me with the needle and thread at the end of the scope.

Last is the 4, FOUR, socks I pulled out of a different dogs stomach. This wasn’t his first time either. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I started this blog when I was a just a wee vet student. That was almost 15 years ago. I’ve been a veterinarian for almost 11 years now. Man how the time goes by. I’ve been in the ER for almost 4 years now and was a large animal vet for almost 8 years. I’ve had some really fun days and funny stories that come with it. I’ve also shed a lot of tears with people. Sometimes being an empath in this job really sucks the life out of me. But I honestly don’t know what else I would do with my life if I didn’t do this.

This book series has me in a literal choke hold.

When I tell you, I was not expecting to be so emotional about a man and his cat as they trek, kill, save people, through a terrible dungeon system, I was so wrong. Book 5 so far has been my favorite and most emotional one yet.

The calmness that comes with training, soothes my soul. It’s feel like I have something to work towards. My body will get there and taking the pressure of being a certain size or weight will honestly help with recovery.

Well it’s been a while. But here I am.

I’ve done a lot since I probably last posted, in 2024.

It’s July 23, 2026.

I did the Wisconsin 70.3, PRd with a 6h59m time and had amazing time September 2025.

Did the Milkman 70.3 June 2024.

Run a 25k in the snow this last year, which was so tough.

Ran my first 50k trail race and had a blast and now how the itch to do more even crazier things. Technically ran my first marathon as a training run during that trading block. Just a casual 26.2 miles, all self supplied.

My mom passed July 30, 2025, and having some big feelings about that. As the anniversary comes around.

Overall, a shit ton has happened. I’m working on my ED recovery, and feels like it’s never gonna get better depending on the day. I feel stuck with my weight.

That need to do something bigger than myself is hitting hard right now. Feeling like training for something new will settle my soul is really what I’m after. Cause it does. That ease I feel when I have a training plan and to be able to work towards something with an actual end goal is always something that makes my heart happy.

So what does that mean?

Well I have a 10 mile trail race in October.

A half marathon the weekend after my birthday in October, cause what better than to gift myself with a race!?

A trail 25k in December. We’ll see if it snows this year. Last year was brutal.

Then what? I’m eyeing Ironman Wisconsin, but that would be fall of 2027.

I’m tired of putting these goals on the back burner cause it’s slowing my weight loss down. When these are the things that ultimately make me happy and I can do them. I trained for them in a bigger body anyways. Who knows how it will go. I can’t keep restricting and binging so why not do recovery doing the things I love, like running and triathlons along the way.

I know it may not be the right answer, but fuck I might as well try.

I just wanna run long miles, listen to my audiobooks, slap on some glitter and just fucking love my life. Right now where my head and heart are at, I am not loving my whole life. Being sad about my body and the way it looks, when I can go move around the world the way I can.

I think I may have worked pretty hard for this ride on zwift. I was drenched in sweat.

I’ve been using the workouts recently and feel like it really makes the difference. Before I would just pedal. Not real life. So here’s to more sweaty sessions.

Also got a 2,500 y swim in the morning. It was 55 outside and luckily the outdoor pool was warmer than the ambient temperature. It took a lot of coaxing to get myself to go early in the morning because of the temperature.

Zwift ride with a side of sweat. Work hard for that side of sweat. Felt damn good too.

Did some strength training. Little bit, but it was done. Plan is 20minutes 3x a week. So one done.

2 mile walk with the dogs this morning.

Breakfast is the tried and true Kodiak pancake as a wrap with a spread (avocado) and some turkey.

Got a swim and bike in yesterday.

2,500y in the outdoor pool.

31miles on the bike on the rail trail.

2 mile walk in later that evening.

Overall a good day. These high movement days always make me feel like myself.

Eating overall has been going well. Eating more Whole Foods throughout the day. My body feels better because of that. I was eating so much junk all last week that my stomach was hurting. Finally feeling better.

Summertime nectarines and cottage cheese really hit the spot. Along with a small nap helped too.

We even cooked up the salmon Tom caught on Saturday with some zucchini from the garden.

July 20, 2024

I’m thinking that I wanna give this little blog some life again. I’m struggling with back pain and my weight loss journey. Why not revive this little corner of my life. Share my struggles and how I’m dealing with it all.

I have a hand written journal, but this place was a big part of my life for so long. So here we go. Voice into the void.

I can’t/shouldn’t be running right now. I hate it. I hate every moment I don’t get to run. It’s my mental break. My mental health suffers when I can’t run. This is how I back slid the last time. I got hurt so badly I gave up on myself. I threw up my hands and said fuck it.

Not this time. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am right now. I have PT I’ll be doing soon, so hopefully I can get back to a body that doesn’t betray me all the time.

It’s a fine line though of wanting to try and starve myself and just eating completely with no control. That pull of the easy way of starving myself and letting that old way be a dominant part of me again is there. I need this to be sustainable and for forever. Slow and easy is the way. But, damn som days it’s so hard. This whole working on the mindset is the hardest fucking part.

Being more aware of my own shit makes it harder to do the things that are old habits. But they still are there, bigger than ever right now.

Same sprint three different times. 20lb difference between the first photo and last.

Was about 8 minutes faster than last year. Cut off a chunk of time from the bike. Swim was slightly faster and run was about the same.

Oh man it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I’ve missed it a little bit because it was a bit of a journal.

I joined The Guild of Champions with Chris Terrell back in November of 2022. It’s a weight loss community. He works on the mindset rather than just the semantics of weight loss. It’s amazing. I’ve met some absolutely amazing people in the last 6 months. We use Marco Polo to talk. I’ve gotten to meet them in person multiple times now. It’s an amazing community and I honestly don’t know if I would be on this journey still without them.

I did a tough mudder just last weekend with this amazing group of people in Florida. I’m still in love with running and triathlons more. But the team work that goes into the tough mudder is insane. Watching people that don’t think they can do something, and then kill it, is amazing. We are all tougher than we give ourselves credit for.

Needless to say I’ve been on this weightloss journey since June 2022. I’m down 30lbs. I’ve run 2 5ks, 1 10k (PR), and 1 tough mudder. I’m training for my first marathon in March 2024. I have two half irons on the books (June and September), and a sprint in July.

My back is doing so well since I left large animal. The ER work has its stressors, but it’s going well.

Tom and I are in a really great place. The dogs are doing so well.

It’s been a while.

Did my first sprint tri last weekend since hurting my back at work. This was the same sprint I did 2 years ago, 2 days prior to my back injury.

The training didn’t go exactly as planned and I suffered in the run. But I pushed myself on the swim and bike. I tried so hard on the run, but my legs didn’t want to move.

It was a great race. I finished and sobbed because I wasn’t sure I was going to get to do this again.

Now what’s next?

5k in august.

10k in September.

Maybe WI 70.3 2024

This sprint again next year to better my best!