#confronting

Carina spots Maya in the kitchen getting kale out of the fridge and closing it with a lot of force too. A part of her worries her wife is back to self-destructing but a big part of her reminds herself that Maya has been working hard with Diane on overcoming her trauma and stop causing unnecessary chaos. The OB inhales deeply before cautiously approaching her wife who is chopping the kale very audibly angrily.

“Ciao Bambina.”

“Hi.” Maya responds tersely, focusing on the kale below her on the cutting board.

Carina sits in the stool in front of her wife watching her cautiously before asking carefully, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Maya says still angry chopping.

“Because you nearly closed every door off it’s hinges and your angry chopping which is a very alarming tell especially from you.”

“I’m just chopping.” Maya excuses still tense.

Carina persists however, knowing her wife needs to talk about what is angering her instead of bottling it up until it implodes. She stands up and places her hand on top of Maya’s hand that is chopping the green vegetable. Maya stops the motion as the soft and warm touch from her wife nearly extinguishes the flame inside the firefighter.

Maya inhales deeply and exhales before answering the first question, “I saw Diane today.”

“Okay did she say something to upset you?”

Maya puts the knife down on the cutting board afraid she will stab something if she continues to elaborate, “Not intentionally no…she suggested that I go see my father.”

Carina’s eyes widen at the mention of her emotionally abusive father that has barely been spoken of till now, “Is he sick?”

“No he’s still the same emotionally stunted, passive aggressive, egomaniac I was too blinded to see as a kid.” Maya informs her wife who is standing next to her looking at her with concern and love, “I told Diane about the last time I saw him before our wedding. How I came out to him, told him about you, our wedding and offering a place to my mom. I told her all of that and Diane asked if I ever told him how he made me feel growing up. About how he made me feel like I had to be the best at everything just for him to love me. How he basically brainwashed me to push everyone away because life is always a competition and everybody are obstacles. How I never knew what being accepted and loved was like until I came to 19 and met you. I told Diane I never told him any of that and you know what she suggested.”

Carina holds her hand understanding now, “That you go visit your emotionally abusive father and tell him off?”

“In more clinical words yeah.” Maya scoffs turning towards the counter to pour herself wine, “Diane asked if I actually moved past my father or just around him? If some part of me is still defining myself through him, through my insane need to please him.”

“Are you?” Carina asks gently out of concern, “I know it was hard for me to move past what my father did to me and Andrea. I imagine it’s harder for you given how much you idolized your father.”

Maya sighs feeling anguished at the part of her life she tried so hard to ignore, “I felt so stupid. I’m in a line of work where I think fast on my feet and use my brain in the most stressful environments you can imagine. And yet I couldn’t see what everybody and their mother saw when they met my dad. I couldn’t see he was just using me to get a taste of the glory he never had. I couldn’t see that my father loved me winning more than he loved me, if he ever did.”

Carina moves to wrap her arms around Maya’s waist pulling her back towards her chest. For a moment the women stand there with Maya closing her eyes to enjoy this moment of comfort from the woman who showed her there’s more to life than winning.

“You’re not stupid bambina.” Carina clarifies, “The only reason everyone else saw it was because they didn’t grow up in that house with him. They weren’t exposed to that kind of cruelty from birth and he didn’t shape them to please him as he saw fit. You were a product of that kind of life Maya, and you couldn’t help it any more than I could help how my father treated me.”

“I know that.” Maya states in torment, “It still doesn’t lessen the pain and making me question every moment of my childhood.”

Maya sips her wine before moving to continue chopping the kale this time more calmly. Carina sits back in her stool feeling more at ease than she was when Maya first walked in. She gives her wife a moment to chop the vegetable and package it before going back to the subject.

“Do you want to see him?”

Maya sighs as she takes the grass-fed steak out of the freezer, “Diane says that prolonged exposure therapy is very promising for victims of narcissistic parental abuse. She says that confronting the narcissistic abuser allows the patient to process distressing memories and emotions associated with their traumatic experiences. She says it will help me in a gradual way that feels safe and teaching me coping skills if I am ever triggered and ultimately, I will heal and my recovery will heighten.”

“And she wants you to visit your abusive father all by yourself?”

“No, Diane says she can come with me and step in if it’s too much for me.” Maya takes the steak out to season it, “But I don’t know if I should talk to him. I don’t know if it’s gonna heal me or it’s just gonna break me all over again. I don’t know what will happen if I see him.”

“No one does.” Carina supports knowing the feeling too well, “But we can’t tell the future. I can’t tell you if seeing him is what’s best for you or not my love, only you can decide that. Do you feel like there are things you need to say to him? Do you feel like telling him every horrible thing he’s done to you will is what you need? Do you feel like you can see him without ruining your progress?”

Maya thinks for a moment tapping her fingers against the counter, “…A part of me feels like I let him off easy the last time I saw him. And I’m afraid it’s because a part of me is still afraid of upsetting him. I feel like he still has a hold on me if I don’t tell him all the pain he caused me. I…I think maybe I need to see him and confront him and let him know what he did to me was not okay.”

Carina holds Maya’s hand across the counter, “If that’s what you need then I will support you every step of the way. In fact, I’ll come with you and Diane so it can be easier for you.”

“Are you afraid of what he’ll do to me?”

Carina grins, “More like you should be afraid of what I will do to him.”

Maya chuckles at her overprotective wife, pulling her in for a kiss needing all the support she needs before finally confronting the demon of her past.

The Next Morning

“I never thought I would walk up these steps again.” Maya proclaims to Dr. Diane Lewis and Carina as they walk up the stairs leading to the porch of her childhood home. The drive over was nerve wracking for Maya, and it’s increased with every step towards her father.

Carina holds Maya’s hand standing in front of the door, “We can turn around and leave if you want to Maya. You don’t have to do this.”

“She’s right.” Diane says in her therapist voice, “Exposure therapy isn’t for everyone and if you feel it’s not something you want or need, we can keep going the way we are. You’ve made so much progress Maya, and if you feel like this is a step to avoid then say the word and I will drive us back.”

Maya looks at her wife and therapist gratefully before coming to a decision, “…If I don’t do this now it’s just gonna eat at me and I’m not giving that man the satisfaction. It’s my choice and I refuse to let him scare me away.”

“I’m right here with you, my love.” Carina supports holding her hand tight with Maya returning the gesture before inhaling and exhaling. The blonde firefighter slowly lifts her closed fist and knocks on the door she used to know so well. The three women wait a moment before the door opens and Maya is face to face with a man who is a shadow of the arrogant egomaniac she saw three years ago.

Lane Bishop stands in the doorway looking worse for wear, as if the sins of his past have caught up with him. His usually brushed back blonde hair is in a disarray as if he just got out of bed. His once clean-shaven face is riddled with an uneven five o clock shadow and his eyes look tired and sunken as they stare shocked and wide eyed at his daughter. Maya is shocked by this messy man who used to be her father before remembering why she was here.

“Hi dad.”

“Kiddo.” Lane starts in shock before his contempt surfaces, “What the hell are you doing here? Your mom left thanks to you so I don’t know what else you’re here for unless your marrying another woman or you want to abandon your family again or-”

“Do us a favor.” Carina steps in with authority that stops Lane who turns to her surprised she interrupted him, “And shut up.”

Maya’s corner lip turns up in pride for her sweet wife who is vicious when someone messes with their family. Meanwhile, Lane is obviously pissed at someone calling him out as he narrows his eyes at the daughter in law he never met until today before turning his gaze back to his daughter who looks less afraid now that she sees her father has become as dissolute as he’s always been under the perfect dad appearance.

“Who the hell is this woman telling me to shut up while you stand there and do nothing as usual?”

“She’s my wife.” Maya exclaims proudly holding her hand while her dad’s frown falls at that information, “She’s the woman I told you I would marry three years ago and who is standing here supporting me while I say what I need to say to you.”

“And who’s this other woman?” Lane asks in contempt at the former firefighter turned therapist, “Someone else who turned you against me?”

“She’s my therapist.”

Lane scoffs dismissively, “You have a shrink?”

“Yes.” Maya responds unashamed, “Because I was close to throwing away everything I hold dear in this life because you taught me to if I wanted to be number one. Because I almost died from a condition from working out too much with no breaks from the way you trained me. Because I finally saw the damage you did to me I needed to fix unless I wanted to end up like you. Alone and blaming everyone else for your own mistakes.”

Lane chuckles in malice at this, “Oh god you sound just like your mother. I never hit her and I never hit you or your brother. You make me out to be this bad guy when all I ever did was make you a winner. I taught you what you needed to know kiddo. All those medals, your captaincy before you stupidly lost it, that was all because of me.”

“No that was me!” Maya proclaims not out of anger but out of fact, “I ran track, I won the gold, I became a firefighter, I became captain, I did all of that all you did was bring me down when I lost and I rose above it all on my own. I won despite you constantly making me feel like I was nothing if I didn’t win your love.”

“That is not true.” Lane tries to excuse himself.

“That is completely true!” Maya continues to hold Carina’s hand as she unloads her trauma on the main source, “You have made me feel that way since I was three years old when you hated my cousin the second she stopped winning. It was at that moment that I decided I would never lose. It was that moment that I decided to always win so I would always be worthy of your love.”

“I never gave you that impression.” Lane says deluded causing Carina to scoff at him, “You’re letting your mother and everyone else making you think that when all I have done is love you and support you!”

“Until I lost.” Maya reminds Lane who narrows his eyes confused, “Do you remember when I was 14 and running track? It was the semifinals, and I was in the lead, you were cheering for me on the stands I felt loved in that moment like you were proud of me. And then my friend twisted her ankle, and I stopped to check on her. She told me to keep going and I did, I was able to win second place…but to you I might as well have not raced at all. I remember the look you had when I got the silver do you remember?”

Lane shakes his head at her rolling his eyes at this recap, “Let me refresh your memory, you had this look like you hated me, like I was a failure, like I wasn’t worthy of your love. And you made that clear that night when you punished me with no dinner for helping a friend, for thinking of something other than winning for once. You told me that there are no friends on the track only competition and I have had that state of mind until this kind and beautiful woman that I married showed me there’s more to life than that. I have learned that winning isn’t everything and love from a parent is not something to earn, it’s something given freely no matter what. God there was a time I didn’t want kids because I was afraid, I would do to them what you did to me and Mason but now I know better. I know that no matter what happens, no matter how many times they win or lose I will love my kids and make sure they know it. I know that I don’t need you to love me because you are incapable of it.”

“Is this why you came?” Lane asks in disdain, “To tell me what a horrible father you think I am? To let me know how much you hate me? You could have done that 3 years ago and save me from this embarrassing reunion.”

“Yeah I could have told you I hated you when I came out to you.” Maya acknowledges feeling more at ease than when she started, “But that’s the thing dad I don’t hate you. It’s not because I love you too much or that I haven’t tried to hate you I just…I realize lately that I just feel sorry for you.”

Lane scoffs offended, “You feel sorry for me?”

“I feel sorry for you because you’re a bottomless pit of narcissism desperately clinging your way to importance by association. And because of that you made your own family suffer so your fragile ego was spared. And that’s not just cruel it’s…it’s just tragic you need to make your own children feel worse about themselves so you can feel better about your own failures.”

“Let me tell you something sweetheart, you wouldn’t be where you are without me. And maybe I was a little rough on you and your brother but-”

“A little?” Carina asks out of shock, “You threw things at walls, belittled your children, gaslit them to the point of a breakdown and made all of their accomplishments and failures about you. And because of that your son became a drug addict and your daughter almost died from the training you made her do. My father wasn’t perfect he was probably as bad as you were, but he had a mental illness, he couldn’t help his behavior most of the time. But you…you were just a power-hungry narcissist who saw his children as a way to fame and glory. You think that had no effect on your son and daughter then you deserve to die alone.”

Lane moves to push Carina when Maya stops him with a hand against his chest pushing him back. He stands back, shocked she would use physical violence against him never expecting her to retaliate back.

Maya stands there tall and ready to fight, “One finger on her and I will bend it backwards.”

Lane looks at his daughter with such anger it takes Maya back to her childhood. However, she perseveres and remembers he has no power over her anymore.

“I came here because I needed you to know once and for all that what you did to me was not okay.” Maya states to her father who looks sullen instead of angry now, “It was not okay to make me feel like I had to earn your love. It was not okay to make me feel like I was worth less if I lost. You may not have hit me dad but what you did was so much worse because for so long I felt like I was nothing without your love or your acknowledgement. I felt like nothing mattered except winning when everything that matters is right next to me.”

Maya squeezes her wife’s hand who grins in pride over Maya finally putting her demons to bed after so long.

“There was a battle I was losing for so long and it wasn’t on the track or in the firehouse. It was a battle against you.” Lane looks taken back by this as Maya continues, “I let you win by giving you the satisfaction of relishing in my victories that were mine but no more. Everything I do from now on will be for me not you. So, if you hear about my accomplishments and feel pride in yourself don’t. Those are my accomplishments not yours; I was brave enough to do those things not you. You will never bask in my victories again because you lost this battle dad. I am gonna leave here and try to be the best firefighter I can be while keeping the people I love close to celebrate with. Meanwhile you’ll be here alone with no one to love you and no one to make yourself feel bigger than you actually are. Those days are over just like our relationship.”

Lane looks numbed at this proclamation of his daughters that takes his down a peg and makes him feel smaller than he has ever felt. Maya grins slightly at this finally achieving her goal before finishing.

“I won and you lost.” Carina squeezes Maya’s hand feeling proud of her, “Goodbye dad.”

Maya closes the door on her father who stands there too numb to respond. She turns to walk away with her wife by her side holding her hand hoping this is exactly what Maya needed to finally heal.

That Night

Carina sets a cup of tea in front of Maya who is sitting at the table still reeling from this morning. After Diane made sure Maya was okay after her confrontation with her father she left the couple alone with Carina giving her wife space to process before pressing. She can see it’s okay to ask seeing as Maya is calmly sipping her tea with Carina joining her.

“Are you okay?” Carina asks, “I know it couldn’t have been easy seeing him and telling him all of those things.”

Maya exhales at that exhausted, “You are not wrong. It was hard at first and a part of me was afraid he would make me cower again. But I’m really glad I did it and I finally feel…free. I finally feel like he no longer has a hold on me. Thanks to you.”

“No that was all you bambina.” Carina corrects her wife holding her hand, “I am not gonna take credit like your father. You finally put your father in his place, and I am so proud of you. But you wouldn’t be less than the brave and strong woman I fell in love with. And you were right when you told him you would be a better parent than he was. It’s what I’ve always known and I am so glad you know it too. I know that no matter what you will be a better person than he ever was. I love you so much Maya Kathleen Bishop.”

Maya grins at her wife feeling the love she has been deprived of most of her life, “And I love you, Carina DeLuca.”