#hardship

Relationships are weird because sometimes nobody is technically doing anything horrible and you still end up feeling lonely as hell.

My husband and I have had a rocky couple of years. Even before we got married we had differences. I’m adventurous and emotional and constantly craving connection and experiences and reassurance. He’s more of a homebody lately, quieter, more withdrawn. We’ve talked about it a million times. I know he’s depressed. I’m depressed too. We’re both trying in our own ways.

And I see his effort. I do.

He fixed things in the backyard without me asking. He works hard. He still makes me laugh sometimes. He’s attractive. The sex is amazing when life actually lines up enough for us to have it.

But lately it feels like we’re ships passing each other covered in bills, stress, hormones, exhaustion, and bad timing.

If he’s in the mood, I’m not.

If I’m in the mood, he’s not.

Or I’m bleeding for two weeks straight because my body likes performance art apparently.

I’m never home because I’m housesitting trying to make extra money.

He’s never home because he’s working.

And when we finally are together, it feels tense for no reason.

Like I walk into the room already emotionally bracing for impact.

The messed up part is I feel happier when I’m away sometimes. Lighter. Then I come home and suddenly I’m anxious and on edge and trying not to cry over somebody sighing too hard in the kitchen.

I know I’m a lot.

I need reassurance constantly but then I get overstimulated.

I want attention but also silence.

I want affection but not judgment.

I want to feel desired without feeling like a burden for needing it.

And lately I just feel like a burden.

Nobody cheated.

Nobody left.

We’ve been together five years and married for over a year now.

I think that’s what makes it harder to explain.

Nothing is catastrophically wrong.

We’re just slowly emotionally missing each other and I don’t know what to do with that.

But I also know this:

I’m not letting someone else’s bad mood swallow my entire day anymore.

If he wants to be grouchy, fine.

‎Umar ibn Abdul Aziz رحمه الله said:

"‎When you are troubled by something in this world, remember death, for it will make things easier for you."

Sometimes protection means walking away. Sometimes sacrifice. Sometimes accepting that something you once protected may no longer be around to protect. These can be hard to accept when the work of protection is straining us. We expect that work to be fulfilling and uplifting and courageous, but it can often be filled with hardship and doubt. Is it worth the energy to protect that which I've held dear? Am I effectively protecting it, or do I actually have so many weak points I may as well not be doing anything? It can be difficult to reckon with these questions and face the more challenging aspects of protection work.

Around the bend from the church on main, lies a quaint little street, called Skipper’s Lane. T’was on this path a young lad dwelled, before the streets’ name or the lad propelled. ~ The tale goes: At the head of a cove the sandbar’s long. The water’s choppy and the currents strong. A young lad fished, he netted all day. At sunset he rowed to the town up the bay. ~ He traded his catch for supplies and some cash. He then rowed back home and buried his stash. Years soon passed and the lad’s now a man. The time was now to dig up an old can. ~ The cans held his savings, he’s more than a few. The man, now called Netty, had something to do. Netty rowed into town, to buy but not sell. He bought a new boat with a bright shiny bell. ~ He towed the boat home not knowing how to sail. A year’s practice behind then caught in a gale. Netty stayed calm, his life, spent afloat. Home was in sight when he saw a tossed boat. ~ The boat missed the inlet, now blowing out to sea. Though Netty unsure, he could not leave them be. Adjusting his sails Netty raced to give aid. Soaked and battered he could not be afraid. ~ Lost memories filled young Netty’s head. Recalling the night, he was almost dead. The sky was black and the water cold. The ship sat heavy, filled with gold. ~ Remembering screams and cracking wood, the ship’s bell rang, gone childhood. The boy hit the water and woke on the shore. The life he once knew was no more ~ A crashing wave broke Netty’s trance, one second more he’d lose his chance. He leaned on his tiller to bring his boat near. The boats colliding mustered everyone’s fear. ~ Netty thought quickly and dropped his sheet, then heaved his net around a cleat. He pulled and pulled with all his might. His biggest catch was that stormy night. ~ All returned safely before the sun rose. Netty now a hero was gifted new clothes. New friends were made, now one’s Netty’s wife. Recounting his memories he bought a new life. ~ The gold recovered, Netty bought lots of land. He built a grand home well away from the sand. The harbor in view he watches over his fleet. The town, now prosperous, gave Netty a street.