#hardship

“After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

‭‭— 1 Peter‬ ‭5:10-11‬ (‭NASB‬‬)

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Relationships are weird because sometimes nobody is technically doing anything horrible and you still end up feeling lonely as hell.

My husband and I have had a rocky couple of years. Even before we got married we had differences. I’m adventurous and emotional and constantly craving connection and experiences and reassurance. He’s more of a homebody lately, quieter, more withdrawn. We’ve talked about it a million times. I know he’s depressed. I’m depressed too. We’re both trying in our own ways.

And I see his effort. I do.

He fixed things in the backyard without me asking. He works hard. He still makes me laugh sometimes. He’s attractive. The sex is amazing when life actually lines up enough for us to have it.

But lately it feels like we’re ships passing each other covered in bills, stress, hormones, exhaustion, and bad timing.

If he’s in the mood, I’m not.

If I’m in the mood, he’s not.

Or I’m bleeding for two weeks straight because my body likes performance art apparently.

I’m never home because I’m housesitting trying to make extra money.

He’s never home because he’s working.

And when we finally are together, it feels tense for no reason.

Like I walk into the room already emotionally bracing for impact.

The messed up part is I feel happier when I’m away sometimes. Lighter. Then I come home and suddenly I’m anxious and on edge and trying not to cry over somebody sighing too hard in the kitchen.

I know I’m a lot.

I need reassurance constantly but then I get overstimulated.

I want attention but also silence.

I want affection but not judgment.

I want to feel desired without feeling like a burden for needing it.

And lately I just feel like a burden.

Nobody cheated.

Nobody left.

We’ve been together five years and married for over a year now.

I think that’s what makes it harder to explain.

Nothing is catastrophically wrong.

We’re just slowly emotionally missing each other and I don’t know what to do with that.

But I also know this:

I’m not letting someone else’s bad mood swallow my entire day anymore.

If he wants to be grouchy, fine.

Indeed with hardship comes Ease.

‎Umar ibn Abdul Aziz رحمه الله said:

"‎When you are troubled by something in this world, remember death, for it will make things easier for you."