breaking down the resume of olympus' biggest disaster bi
we've all been made aware of the corporate resume: music, poetry, prophecy, plague, lookin' pretty. but if you could peek into the unhinged group chat that is greek mythology, you realise that apollo is basically the frat boy who majored in philosophy but handles minor inconveniences by committing casual war crimes.
anyways, here is the deep-lore version of lesser known apollo facts that your high school history teacher might have omitted because they wanted to retain their sanity:
βοΈhe was legally banned from olympus for being a terrible son (arguable btw, zeus kinda had it coming)
most kids get grounded. apollo got his godhood revoked and was forced into manual labour.
the first time: zeus killed apollo's son (asclepius) because he was too good at medicine and was accidentally stopping people from dying. this invoked hades' anger and zeus had to smite his grandson to restore the balance of nature. apollo. entirely reasonable, responded by murdering the cyclopes who forged zeus' thunderbolts. zeus was so mad he almost threw apollo into tartarus but settled for making him a mortal shepherd for a year
the second time: he joined a coup against zeus because his dad was being a tyrant. the coup failed. zeus stripped apollo of his powers and sentenced him to build the walls of troy. yes, apollo built the walls of troy as a temp worker on minimum wage
he is the "god of mice" and it's a whole aesthetic
everyone talks about the laurel wreath and the lyre and how well they represent his cottagecore aesthetic, but apollo's actual, canonical title in the iliad is apollo smintheus, which translates to "mouse god."
classicists will write 400-page dissertations being like, "well, mice symbolize the spreading of plague, which represent apollo's dual nature as a healer and destroyer." he's had you fooled, lads. he was essentially running a bronze-age protection racket. he was an exterminator and also the guy supplying the pests.
leaked conversation from a sting operation undertook by yours lovingly to expose apollo's multi-millenia-old racketeering scheme:
[THE ORIGINAL PROTECTION RACKET]
APOLLO: (Infests your farm with 10,000 field mice to eat your crops) FARMER(undercover): Oh no! Please, radiant god of light, save my harvest! APOLLO: (Shoots the mice with his golden arrows) FARMER: Wow, thank you, you are so benevolent. APOLLO: Don't mention it. That'll be three goats and a temple, please. FARMER(whispers): gotcha
but hey, you gotta respect the hustle, right? how else was he gonna get the gifts for his loverboys?? (*winkwink)
apollo's epic battle against....a small lizard
while his twin sister artemis was out there in the wilderness hunting massive, flesh-eating killer boars to defend the honour of nature, the radiant god of light was locked in a life-or-death tactical feud with a tiny gecko. ancient greeks even built a statue called apollo sauroktonos (apollo, the "lizard slayer") depicting teenager apollo intensely stalking the 4g reptile creeping up a tree trunk.
art historians claim this youthful sculpture actually parodies his epic battle against the cosmic monster python, which is hilarious level of coping. he was just a dramatic guy who couldn't handle a tiny reptile in his workspace without losing his mind. but hey, i'm one to talk. one tiny jump from an over-athletic spider on the bathroom wall and i start contemplating all the ways to delete its entire evolutionary history.
(WARNING!! PEEPEE FLASH)
the ultimate sore loser (do not challenge him to a karaoke night)
apolloβs ego is so fragile itβs practically made of wet tissue paper. a satyr named marsyas challenged him to a music contest. marsyas played the flute, apollo played the lyre.
marsyas actually won the first round. apollo, realizing he was losing to a goat-man, changed the rules midway through and said, "okay, now play your instrument upside down while singing." you cannot sing while playing a flute. you can sing while playing a lyre. apollo won on a technicality and then flayed marsyas alive for the crime of being better at woodwinds.
key takeaway: if you ever go to karaoke with apollo, let him win, or you will lose your skin.
the absolute worse rizz in history
for the god of beauty, apollo has a romantic success rate of approximately 0%. the man couldn't pull a hamstring.
daphne: literally preferred to become a stationary piece of shrubbery (a laurel tree) than go on a second date with him.
cassandra: agreed to date him if he gave her the power of prophecy. he gave it to her. she immediately dumped him. unable to take back the gift, he cursed her so that no one would ever believe her prophecies. petty king.
marpessa: was given a choice by zeus between apollo and a mortal guy named idas. she chose the mortal guy because she knew apollo would dump her ass the second she got wrinkles. valid.
ultimately, apollo is the ultimate reminder that you can be a radiant, multi-talented golden boy and still have the emotional stability of wet tissue paper. so no matter how immaculate your aesthetic is, you are never truly above throwing a tantrum over a minor inconvenience. just bask in the sun and remember: the universe is being run by a drama queen who is probably, at this exact moment, plotting a petty revenge arc against a garden slug. stay petty. MWAH πππ
P.S. if this account suddenly goes dark, it is 100% because the sun god found out about the sting operation and is retaliating. if a blindingly handsome man bursts into my room with a golden bow and a pocket full of weaponized field mice, please tell the authorities that i died for the truth. yours lovingly is signing off. stay safe out there, because I am officially a target.
image credits : wikipedia
dividers: @hatoslay @steddiecameraroll-graphics @steviebbboi
