#character as

Bitty: listen grandma, aunt carol is a stone cold bitch and her cookies taste like death

Jack: selfcare is travelling to the shadow realm and taking a long spa day with your evil twin

Shitty: listen, i would not only fuck /my/ clone, i would fuck all clones.

Lardo: *five minutes before a class starts* gimme a needle im gonna pierce my ear real quick

Ransom: *after puking in my kitchen* im happy no one got too drunk this time

Holster: *mixing absinth and beer* tonight we ride together and die together. who cares if its wednesday

Nursey: i once wrote 15 poems in one sitting bc i boiled my coffee with mountain dew

Dex: *whispering* you see the secret to liking guys... it's all in the hair

Chowder: i take on life one dino-shaped chicken nugget at a time

Tango: why did my mom tell me that my pet ran away instead of telling me the truth? it was a pet rock

Whiskey: say, do wine and blood stains share the same cleaning process?

Glorfindel: The mafia had an… understanding… with the gay community.

Gimli: Who needs to be a CEO when you could be a professional bar fighter?

Elrond: STOP! Okay, no more Donald Duck impressions, you guys!!

Aragorn: He’s married and has two kids. I hope he understands at least…. One emotion.

Bard: Whatever happened to just good ol’ math?

Bombur: He’s got a big ole mouth for cheese.

Bilbo: I’m an accurate cricket sort of person.

Smaug: Oh no, his garbage can is on fire.

Pippin: I ain’t a snitch either! ...Because you can’t be a snitch if you don’t know anything.

Frodo: Reading is a sport for the eyes.

Faramir: *1000% done* Oh, look, there’s an alligator. Oh, wait, he ate me. Sucks, I guess.

Galadriel: *after describing something that makes no sense* This is where it gets tragically complicated.

Saruman: *singing* Dead bones. Human bones. Dead bones. Human bones.