Thoughts on Modern LotR and the Hobbit

Sam: Oh! You should talk to him about plants! He wants to be…. [*clearly loses train of thought*] a plant.

Tauriel: We could discuss the plot of a Barbie movie and refuse to acknowledge it when the professor asks questions.

Smaug: If nothing is real, why are we allergic to different types of fire?

Aragorn: Shanty Baron is the ideal title.

Merry: Wait, don’t you want to see grandma’s drugs?

Faramir: I can’t think any deeper than colors, sorry

Radagast: I’ve always had really loose ear crystals.

Sauron: Sorry, I was just thinking about being a transparent eyeball.

Bofur: Maybe in the future, people will be watching Cats 2019 and analyzing it as a great piece of art.

The Mouth of Sauron: I never wish to be forced to submit to the dentist.

Galadriel: You know what’s cool? [*starts singing creepily*] I have lucid dreams... where I can’t see a thing...

Denethor: Wow! No, I take it back. I don’t care. Leave me alone.

Fili: Okay, I’m going to tell you all the facts I know about Bruce Willis. Ready, go!

Ori: I often get crafts and weapons mixed up.

Elrond: It’s interesting to watch with your critical hat pulled firmly around your ears.

Nori: He’s the nicest looking raccoon he can be.

Éomer: Feeling disillusioned? Do some shots!

Boromir: In all of my dreams I’m driving a Jeep.

Legolas: Heterosexual sex... which is quite problematic...

Frodo: For the past six months, I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis. You know, super sexy.

Gandalf: Hmm, I thought I was going to say something more optimistic, but I guess not.

Éowyn: I mean, I’m more afraid of failure than the devil, so…

Gimli: Three likes and I’ll set my social security card on fire.

Saruman: He just has a need to continue consolidating his phallic power.

Bilbo: Yesterday, first thing, I had such a discouraging bagel.

Thranduil: No one’s talking about the loss of bourgeois status in Mr. Potato head losing the title of mister.

Arwen: You need a husband. Let’s ask the ghosts!

Théoden: We must now be our own vikings.

Bombur: That’s what happens when you eat too much pizza. You become French.

Thorin: I’m sick of God’s bullshit. We should just let him die death-of-the-author style.

GANDALF VS THE GOATMAN

From @thiswaycomessomethingwicked​​