Merry Christmas, Iām a boy.
Whether I picked the wrong time or the right time, my parents now know Iām trans.
I never planned to do it on Christmas day, it was just all about timing and all about which moment felt right.
Christmas days are normally very low key for us, so sitting in the living room with them watching TV Christmas night seemed like the best moment Iād have.
It didnāt go well but it didnāt go awful.
I was very nervous and shaky and it didnāt take me long before I broke down and started crying.Ā
I thought Iād be able to be stronger, and hold it together a bit more, but naturally, seeing their faces go blank, was something I never want to see again.
Surprisingly enough, my mother was the most receptive.
She asked very thoughtful questions and kept her composure and really wanted to understand where I was coming from.
On the other hand, my dad just sat there quiet and stunned, something I didnāt expect would happen and something that absolutely made me feel like shit.
I canāt take back how I told them, but something about how I did it felt messy.
Though I donāt think I could have done it in a better way, I wish I wouldnāt have cried. But I think coming out is hard, no matter what...and wanting your parents support is natural.
We had like a 15 minute conversation about it and my mom did most of the talking, along with a lot of awkward lengthy silences.
Towards the end of the conversation I asked my dad to say something, which looking back, I shouldnāt have pushed.Ā
But he was supportive, but snippy.
He was hurt.
He told me thatI threw him for a loop and that he will love me no matter what but itās going to take them time to process it. He said he wouldnāt coddle me and that itās my life and Iām going to do what I want. But he also said he didnāt know what I wanted from him and that I needed to give them time.Ā
Though these are all positive things to be said, it was the way he said it that broke me and kinda made me initially chalk it up to a bad response.
When it was clear the conversation was ended I went up to my room and cried.
My mom got up from her chair to hug me while she cried and said I love you anomy dad got up and went somewhere without saying a word.
I called my girlfriend and talked to her about everything and she was super reassuring that it would get better and that coming out is hard always. That they would come around and that the experience wasnāt as bad as I feel it to be.
After I calmed down I realized I was worked up from nerves.
I thought about the things that were said and I thought about the love they have for me and I know that isnāt going away.
Itās going to be hard for them to understand...itās going to be something they are going to have to learn and Iām going to have to be patient with them.
I had honestly forgotten how hard and how scary it is to come out and though I am 24, itās still as difficult as it was for me in high school coming out as a lesbian.
Itās that fear of disappointing your parents...itās that fear of the unknown...and its fear that the people who love you most in this life might not love you as mochas they did.
When I finally pulled myself together, my dad had already gone to bed.Ā
I went downstairs to get some water and walked right past my mom sitting in the recliner.
I knew I needed to give her time so I wanted us to just have some space.
I grabbed water and started heading back upstairs when she looked at me and told me to come sit next to her.Ā
She asked me very fair and respectful questions and really wanted to understand.
In tis conversation I wasnāt crying because I didnāt feel like I was coming out, I felt like I was just having a conversation about it.
I never expected my mom to be receptive in the ways that she was and Iām blessed becauseĀ Iām sure as hell not getting it from my dad.
Itās completely opposite from when I came out as a lesbian, because when I came out my moms the one that shut down and my dad is the one who was supportive.
Iām very very thankful that my mom has been open to talk to me about it and question me respectfully.
Itās more than I can ask in the initial knowing of what is happening in my life and the way they are processing that information into theirs.
All in all it was alright. i donāt know of many people who have a 100% positive response from their parents when they come out and tell them they are switching genders.
I can empathize with them and know thatĀ itās tough pill to swallow and that itās going to take some adjusting and getting used to.Ā
They are mourning a loss and all I can do is be patient and understanding of what they are also going through.
This morning (12/26/17) my mom came into my room and crawled into bed with me. She talked to me about fears with me having a hard time finding jobs and fears about what it all means. But we talked it out and sheās understood and she's been open about how she is sad but she doesnāt cry in front of me, which Iām thankful for.
Weāve been openly talking about it all day and I talked to her about how Iām worried about dad. My dad has completely shut down and he wonāt even talk to my mom, which sucks.
Iām supposed to go to lunch with him tomorrow but I donāt even know if thatās happening anymore.
Thereās a lot going on in my mind and Iām very emotionally drained and overwhelmed from coming out last night.
Iām still processing things in bits and pieces and will continue to update on here as things progress.Ā
Thanks for reading all. Love and support is always welcomed. Stay beautiful people.Ā
