#attheend

There are times I can see myself in parts of you. In fact, I don't just see myself, I discover myself. The parts that I thought were long forgotten, buried deep in the recesses of a person you chose to neglect and I had chosen to forget. It's quite an eye-opening experience, and I can tell that you still love the slightly askew, grey tainted corners of your silver parts. Together, they are the foundation for the fountain of colour that spills from you. Please don't hide those parts, neglect those parts or even forget those parts. Collect them, treasure them and indulge in them. Right from the get-go, I had already made my mind up that eventually, I would walk away with neither the intention of saying goodbye nor the guilt to turn around and look. I gave in to my cowardice, ironically enough. I had only enough courage to close the door and leave, insufficient strength to stay and consider the ambiguous 'what ifs'. Nevertheless, I was still holding onto the 'what if' of you knocking on my door to tell me that you've made up your mind, whatever it may have been. The 'what if' of me placing a hand over my chest to calm my racing heart before opening my front door to receive the sight of you on my front porch was something I didn't deserve. Inviting you to come on inside, whether or not you would have if I actually did, was like inviting you to willingly give up those parts of yourself to me. Uncovering the truth to you, all those days ago, had made me remember those parts come back to me, the mementos from my childhood. The parts I had discovered and loved in you were pieces of my past that I intentionally tucked into the deep corners of my mind, in a cardboard box labelled 'waste'. That day, as the truth had escaped my lips and I saw your beautiful smile morph into one of pure anguish and turmoil, the 'waste' had been recycled, made to be 'reused' and I couldn't bear to recollect them. After the things I have done and the words I have said, it would have been audacious of me to dare take them away from you, for myself. Those parts are yours, and I love seeing them be yours to own. Those parts, no matter how grey or dull is a reflection of your happiness, your pure, unfiltered happiness. I needed to leave before I begged for your forgiveness because I had stolen them away.