#buspirone

shit, this stuff is so good for my brains.

I keep forgetting how truly stressed and depressed I feel when my anxiety is unmedicated. It crushes me in ways so subtle that I still think I'm me, except I'm not thriving.

But one week on buspirone? Suddenly, the world is beautiful. I love everyone and everything. I'm so happy. I feel great. I was damn near euphoric this morning with joy for the world.

"I'm worried psychiatric meds will make me a zombie"

I feel like I have way less anxiety in public now. I feel like I'm a lot less anxious and self-conscious about how I look/how I might be perceived by people. I feel like I can talk to strangers easier. I feel more confident.

After a decade of being med free I am finally learning to trust medication again. I've been taking Buspirone 15mg a day and Hydroxyzine on an as needed basis which is about 2 times a day right now. I'm on day 10 of meds and I'm not sure if the changes I'm seeing are from the meds or my own doing.

I'm still forcing myself to do certain things but it's working and making it a little easier to do each time I go to do said chore/task. Also I'm learning not to value my days as good or bad based off of productivity. Which is easier said than done.

I still document everything I do throughout the day to be able to see what all I spent my time doing and what I accomplished at the end of the day. I keep an Ableton Log, Reading Log, Learning Production Log, Med Log, everything. It's been helping me keep track of my tasks and goals and actually seeing the progress on paper. It hasn't become too obsessive yet so I still think it's healthy.

Before I even started meds I moved my therapy to every two weeks instead of every week because I've been doing better. That action alone makes me feel like I'm genuinely getting better. I don't have anything I'm spiraling over every week because I have learned how to train my brain to not worry as much. I wouldn't be able to say this about myself in Nov-Dec 2024. That's just how much progress I've made in the past three months though. It's working and I just have to keep trying.

I am changing and I'm making progress everyday.