#brown queer

I rarely feel welcome anywhere, like I don’t have permission to go outside or to exist online or to exist at all. I try so hard, and people generally like me, but still. I’m kept at arms length by most, somehow unable to get close with almost anyone. There’s always the looming threat of the things people will say behind my back. The occasional slip or inappropriate question that validates so much of my fears, that makes me feel unsafe, just enough to never truly get comfortable.

I wish that I could trust people to take me as I am, to just accept me as I am, but if life’s told me anything, it’s that I can’t. I have to work for the bare minimum just cus of how I was born. It’s somehow my fault that people see me and don’t immediately understand. I’m not safe until I make it fucking safe and I’m just so so tired.

I feel old, sometimes, especially since a lot of my hobbies and such skew young, but the truth is I’m only young too. 23 is not a big age to be, I still have so much to learn. Worse, I’ve never seen someone like me who’s survived. I claw for my own history, to see myself in anyone who’s still here, and I fail. I just want someone like me, really like me, to tell me that I’m going to be ok.

despite all that, I’m still going to shine, as bright as I can. It’s the only thing I know how to do. And if I can make just one kid who’s like me feel comfortable and at home, then that’s enough. I fight so my children won’t have to.