this is something i don't think i've ever said out loud this honestly.

i was the child who was alone at school.

i ate by myself more times than i'd like to admit. i spent a lot of time watching other people, understanding them, noticing them, trying to make them feel comfortable. i always felt like i could see everyone else so clearly.

i just never felt seen in return.

i tried to be the funny friend. the friend who always gave too much. the friend who cared too much. the soft friend. the loving friend.

those things were never fake. that's genuinely who i am.

but i also felt like i had to be those versions of myself all the time.

because i was scared. i was scared that if i was sad, angry, disappointed, or hurt.. i wouldn't be loved anymore.

it felt like love always came with conditions.

i never really fit in with people my own age.

i always found myself talking to people older than me. i don't know why. maybe i was looking for more depth. even then, i still couldn't relate to most people completely.

making friends with teachers seemed easier than making friends my own age. i seemed to look at everything more deeply than almost all of my friends. all the topics that seemed interesting to my friends felt so shallow to me. why was i way too mature for my age? was it wrong? i always contemplated that, baby.

so i spent a lot of time talking to myself.

a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me.

a lot of time believing i was simply too different to ever be fully understood.

my world has always been very small. the people i truly call mine have always been very few. they've always been my greatest treasures.

university was kinder to me.

for the first time, i felt like i could breathe a little easier. i could be more myself. i met people who accepted me for who i was, and i'm grateful for them.

but even then..

there was still something missing.

people often told me they felt understood by me.

they loved talking to me. they loved being around me. and i loved making them feel seen.

but i still carried this feeling that nobody had reached the deepest parts of me.

there was always a little space inside me that stayed empty.

looking back now..

i think i know why.

i think i was always yearning for you.

because when i think of you..

i don't imagine having to explain why i feel so deeply. i don't imagine having to hide the softer parts of me.

i imagine finally feeling seen. completely.

i imagine finally feeling loved without having to earn it.

and maybe that's why i've spent so much of my life looking for you.

because somewhere in my soul..

i hate shopping. i really do.

well... i hate clothes shopping. i do like grocery shopping, but clothes shopping has never been my thing.

but i love you.

so if shopping makes you happy, then i already know i'm going with you. then suddenly i will have all the patience in the world.

take me to every single shop you want. take as long as you need. hold my hand and pull me from one store to another. i'll happily follow you everywhere.

i'll carry every single bag. i'll hold your drink so you can just lean over and steal little sips whenever you want. halfway through, i'll disappear for a minute and come back with your favourite snack because i know you'll probably forget to eat once you get excited.

please let me come into the fitting room with you.

i just want to sit there while you try on pretty dresses and ask me, "my love, how does this look?"

my answer is probably going to be the same every single time.

"baby.. you're so pretty!!"

i don't know anything about fashion. i don't know the names of half the things you're trying on. I'll be just standing there looking at my woman in awe.

i'll take little polaroids of you. i'll keep telling you to spin around one more time because you're too cute. i'll hype you up for every outfit, even if you end up buying none of them.

and if your feet start hurting, i'll carry you too.

if you buy me something, i'll tell you not to.

i'll fail miserably at hiding how happy it makes me. i'll probably wear it until it falls apart just because you picked it.

i'll pay for you whenever you'll let me. i work hard because i love taking care of the people i love. seeing you happy is one of my favourite things to spend money on.

i still hate shopping.

i just love shopping with you.

i am a very intentional person in love, and i actually like that about myself. when i love someone, i notice the small things. i remember things that people don't even realise they told me.

i still remember the birthdays of every person i loved and every girl i ever had a crush on. i might not talk to them or wish them anymore, but i still think about them on their birthdays. i still remember. my very first relationship ended one month before her birthday, and when her birthday came, i couldn't wish her, but i remember going to a church and praying for her. i was religious back then, i'm not anymore, but that was the only way i knew how to care for someone at that time.

i remember the names of my lovers' friends. i remember the things they taught me. i remember their voices. i remember their little habits. i remember the smallest details they said in passing that they probably don't even remember saying. that's just how my mind works when i care about someone.

i've always been like this. i've had my ex-lovers draw things for me so i could keep them as my wallpaper. i'm the type of person who would put their fingerprint on my phone so they can access it anytime they want.

i've found extra jobs. i've taken extra projects. i've worked harder so i could earn more to buy things for my girl. their favourite colour becomes something i notice everywhere. if i see something in that colour, i think of them. if i see something they would like, i want to buy it for them.

and baby, i know i'll be like that with you too.

i will remember your birthday. i will remember your favourite flowers. i will remember your favourite colours. i will remember everything ab your family. i will remember the stories from your childhood. i will remember the little things about you that you don't think are important, because to me, they are.

i want to know your world. i want to know the things that made you who you are. i want you to draw something on my guitar. there is a space that has always been there. all my past lovers have left something on my guitar, but for some reason, this space for you has always existed. intentionally or unintentionally, it has always been waiting.

i want to wake up hearing your voice. i want to fall asleep hearing your voice. you will wake up to reassurance from me every day. i want you to feel loved in the smallest ways.

i just want to be loved by you, baby. that's all i really want.

and in return, you will experience the most intentional love i know how to give. i just need you to be gentle with me. i need you to protect my heart, because i have been hurt in ways that changed me.

i have been betrayed by people i trusted. not just in love, but by people who were supposed to make me feel safe when i was younger too. and sometimes i'm still surprised that after everything, i still want to love like this.

my world is very small. the people i let close to me are very few. so when i choose someone, it means everything.

and if i choose you, my love, i will be extra intentional with everything.

i don't think many people are prepared for how intense i am.

people usually like me a lot at first.

but somewhere along the way, they realise i'm not casual about the people i choose to care about.

i care intensely. i love intensely. i feel intensely. everything i do, i do with my whole heart.

and that scares people.

i've had people walk away because of it.

i've even had people ask me, "why do you care this much?"

some thought it was love bombing.

and i don't know baby.. that has always made me a lil sad.

because it was never manipulation. i just cared. that's all.

i don't care about everyone. my world is actually very small.

but if i care about you.. it's rare.

and once i do, i'm all in.

i'm committed. i'm thoughtful. i'll remember things. i'll check if you've eaten. i'll worry when you're not feeling well. i'll think about you when i'm out and wonder if you'd like something i saw.

that's just how i love baby.

for a long time, i felt ashamed of that part of myself.

every time someone ran away from my intensity, i wondered if i should become less.

less romantic. less caring. less observant. less sensitive. less.. me.

but i don't want to do that anymore.

i love my intensity. i love that i love with my whole soul. i love that i'm intensely romantic.

intensely observant. intensely considerate. intensely curious. intensely sensitive.

intensely devoted.

that's the only way i know how to exist.

i don't know how to love halfway.

i don't know how to care halfway.

when i choose someone, i choose them with everything i have.

and maybe that's too much for some people.

but i don't think it'll be too much for you.

i think one day, i'll finally meet someone who doesn't mistake my sincerity for love bombing.

someone who doesn't get scared when they realise how deeply i care.