#box 953

So an eternity ago I made a storyboard for a box 953 scene in Wolf 359, but I also did some color scripts for it! What do you think. Should i re-release this one in full color. Full screen?

I have a theory that they had to seal off the storage room permanently because it couldn’t be repressurized with a canon hole in the wall. So they watched A LOT of cargo get dumped into space, Santa letters included, but they can’t redo an inventory of what didn’t fly out into space in a room without oxygen. They’d do a space walk about it and Renee being the only one who’d really care to do that, is so inebriated during this fiasco that they probably don’t actually go in to see what’s left.

His box is bolted down. It’s still there.

And what is in it: The sound of a beating heart? Freezing cold? Emphasis on Reserved? Hmm.

As I remember we never come back to box 953, (I’m also right now years old and realizing that number is 359 backwards…) but it gives a little foreshadowing I feel, knowing about Eiffel’s refreeze adventure down the line. And that could be all it is, just another instance of the station being weird…

But with the existence of Hilbert’s room, I feel that what Goddard Futuristics left for Eiffel might be more significant. It’s something that like the chair, might be intended for Eiffel being alone. Then again, it’s not meant to be opened.

every laugh from season 1 of wolf 359 (all of them are eiffel’s) episodes featuring: episode 2 “Little Revolución” episode 5 “Cigarette Candy” episode 8 “Box 953“ episode 13 “Gas Me Twice”

[intro music]

Welcome to Wolf 359.

Eiffel: [sighs in irritation] Hey everyone. This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. It’s day five hundred and twenty-five of the Hephaestus mission. If this recording sounds slightly... different from my usual logs, it’s because today, I’m not broadcasting from the comms room. I’ve relocated to the station’s storeroom for today’s session. Just... y’know, it’s always good to... get a change of scenery, and if you get to avoid Commander Minkowski and her undying self-righteous fury, all the better. We’re having another one of those days at the station, dear listeners. A bad day. And I mean, you know me. I’m the very picture of courage in the face of danger, and all that, but trust me – in this case, discretion is the better part of valor.

[announcement chime]

Minkowski: Crew of the Hephaestus. This is Commander Minkowski. As I know that you are all keenly aware, it is time for our quarterly talent show. I know that you’re aware of this, because it has been clearly marked as compulsory in the station calendar for the past two weeks, and because I have been posting regular reminders throughout the station. And because I told the both of you today at breakfast. And at lunch. So, imagine my surprise when I got down to the cargo bay, and neither of you were there. I can only assume that it’s because you’re putting finishing touches on your acts for today. Which is nothing if not commendable. But don’t push it. I’m making this announcement from the comms room, where I can’t help but notice that you’re not, Eiffel. I’m just going to assume that it’s because we narrowly missed each other, when I was coming up here, and you were going down. And by the time I make it back to the cargo bay, you’ll be there. Ready to enthusiastically dazzle us with some talent. One that does not involve smoke rings.

Eiffel: [under his breath] Fascist.

Minkowski: Same goes for you, Dr. Hilbert. This is a mandatory event. So don’t make me come and get you. We’re going to boost morale, we’re going to bond as a crew, and we’re going to have a great time doing it, even if I have to drag both of you kicking and screaming into it. Minkowski out.

[announcement chime]

Eiffel: Drop the mic, why don’t ya. Y’know, it’s bad enough when she makes us do something just because it’s military protocol, but I think she actually really cares about these talent shows. But friends, they’re a few dramatic poetry readings beyond my breaking point. I can deal with the bad food, the low shower pressure, and lack of Simpsons reruns around here. But I have my limits. It’s either not smoking, or Sylvia Plath’s Lady Lazarus. Not both of them together. So, until this whole thing blows over, I’m gonna be luxuriating in the remotest, darkest, hiding-spottiest corner I could find in the entire station. You know what the scariest part of all of this is though? For once, Hilbert and I actually agree on something. If anything, I think he might hate Minkowski’s little talent shows even more than I do. In fact, let’s see how the enemy of my enemy is doing.

[open intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Hey Dr. Hilbert, how are you doing? Looks like the witching time of night is upon us, eh?

Hilbert: One moment, Eiffel. Delicate process, time is of the essence.

Eiffel: Yeah, no kidding. Sounds like Hurricane Minkowski’s on the move. You holed up somewhere yet?

Hilbert: Nyet. I have reconsidered that strategy since our confronts this afternoon. Have decided to tackle problem... more directly.

Eiffel: Oh?

Hilbert: Upon further reflection, I remember that I do in fact possess many talents, among them biochemistry.

Eiffel: Already I don’t like where this is going.

Hilbert: Well, I’m now putting the finishing touches on a rather powerful concoction. I will submit this to Commander Minkowski as my entry for the talent show, claiming that is a... combination nerve tonic, energy drink, and breath freshener. That, however, will be a clever lie!

Eiffel: What’s it actually do? Turn her into a frog?

Hilbert: Nothing so elaborate. Just powerful sedative and narcotic. It will knock her out for the next twelve hours. Plenty of time for the talent show window to elapse, and allow us to focus on our real work.

Eiffel: Y’know, Doctor, you can’t solve all your problems by knocking someone out.

Hilbert: People keep saying that, and yet, my problems keep going away.

[a droplet falls into liquid and fizzing begins]

Hilbert: There, completed. Stand by Eiffel. I will report once the situation has been neutralised.

Eiffel: Godspeed, Doc.

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Well, until we get a confirmation that the coast is clear, let’s just lay low, shall we? Y’know, I’ve never really paid attention to this storeroom before. It’s always just kind of been... here? We’ve never really needed anything from here, and... yeah, I don’t even know if I’ve even been in this room before. There must be hundreds of crates in here. They’ve all got a number printed on the side, and the Goddard Futuristics logo. They’re the corporate sponsor for this mission, so uh I guess they’re using this as... free storage space? What the hell are they even keeping up here?

[crate opens]

Eiffel: What the – Looks like this entire box is just... full of... dolls. Just those... weird, Russian dolls that you can open, and... there’s like a bunch of smaller dolls inside of them? Only, um. None of... them... have eyes. It’s just... a bunch of weird, eyeless Russian dolls. I’m just gonna leave this one alone.

[crate closes]

Eiffel: Well, that was really weird. Let’s see... hm... how about... box 239?

[crate opens]

Eiffel: Hm. Well, this one’s just full of pieces of paper. [rustling paper] Just a... big pile of... What? [chuckles] “Dear Santa, for Christmas this year I want a Harley-Davidson remote contr-” Holy crap. This is where these letters end up? Conspiracy revealed! Now I kind of need to see if this huge one has Santa in it or something. Box 56. Okay, let’s see.

[crate opens]

Eiffel: Holy crap. You guys! There’s a cannon in here! Why is there a cannon in here? W-What practical purpose, could a cannon possibly serve in outer space? I don’t – I [clicks] – Oh, wait a minute. I think I just saw – Yeah yeah yeah, okay.

[rustling paper]

Eiffel: There’s a manifest by the door that says what’s in each of these crates. Jeez. How long is this thing? Let’s see, let’s see... Box 217 has one thousand, three hundred and forty-six red L-shaped Lego blocks? Which first of all, why would anyone want that many L-shaped blocks? L blocks are useless.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: Box 300 has the individual pieces, for three full suits of armour, near mint condition? Never know when you might need one of those.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: Box 552 apparently has the... partial skull of unnamed megafauna specimen 58. Whatever that is. Oh, and there’s a note. “Please handle with care, and with a... vague feeling of existential dread”? Well, at least they’re specific.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: This is some Raiders of the Lost Ark level stuff here. [turning pages] I mean. I wonder if the Ark of the Covenant is tucked up under a yeti skull, or a scale model of Atlantis, or something.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: Um. What? [clears throat] I’m sorry listeners, I just – There’s a box that’s – It says here that box 953 is... “Reserved for Douglas Eiffel. Do not open under any circumstances”. Um... What?

[open intercom buzz]

[Minkowski singing “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” in the background]

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel.

Eiffel: Can you hang on a moment, Doc?

Hilbert: [whispered] No, I cannot! Eiffel, situational norms here are catastrophically far from the stability of hanging!

Eiffel: Really? That’s nice.

Hilbert: [whispered] No, it’s not! I- I’m not sure what’s wrong, but my compound did not render the Commander unconscious! Instead, it just triggered some sort of... impaired euphoric effect on the subject.

Eiffel: Oh cool.

Hilbert: [whispered] No! It is not cool! It is diametrically opposed to cool! Eiffel. You do not understand – there is singing.

[Minkowski finishes singing and hiccups]

Hilbert: [whispered] This is an emergency! We require immediate assistance!

Eiffel: Sure sure, whatever you say.

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel!

Minkowski: [slurring] Hilbert? Who’re you talking to?

Hilbert: Oh um...

Minkowski: [slurring] You should... no talking. You should be focusing on making pirate costumes for the show! [gun racking] Shouldn’t you?

Hilbert: Y-Yes, Commander!

Minkowski: [slurring] Swashes and buckles, Hilbert! Swashes... and buckles. [hiccups] Alright. One more time from the top, Hera!

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel! Please hurry!

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Why... Why is there a box that says “Reserved for Douglas Eiffel” up here? Like, does that mean that... whatever’s in the box is stuff for me? Or... is it that... I’m the one that – Where the hell is this box anyway? Alright. One second, dear listeners, l-let me see if I can find this thing. I’ll be right back.

[intermission music]

Eiffel: Hey again. So. I’ve spent the past two hours tearing this place apart, but I still haven’t been able to find box 953. I’ve found all sorts of other weird crap up here. Including the shrunken heads of Paul Harding, MD, and Associates. So, y’know, ew. [shuddering inhale] I’m still not sure where – Hang on. I think I – I think I see it. That’s definitely a nine, and a five, in that big box back there. One moment. Lemme check that out.

[open intercom buzz]

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel! Whatever action you’re taking to save me, you must hurry! Things have taken a turn for the worst. Commander Minkowski has demanded I make her ice-cream for the conclusion of the talent show. I tried to explain that I don’t have the necessary ingredients, but she just fired a shot past my head! I’m not sure if it was a warning shot, or if she just missed! I’m doing my best to create an approximation of ice cream, but, I fear what will happen when it fails the taste test! You need to do something before it’s –

Hilbert: Oh! Commander! I did not see you there!

Minkowski: [slurring] Did I – I didn’t tell you to talk to anyone, Doctor. I thought I told you to make ice-cream.

Hilbert: Oh yes, Commander.

Minkowski: [slurring] Good, good. Ice-cream is good. You know why, Hilbert?

Hilbert: W-W-Why? Commander?

Minkowski: [slurring] Because... I scream for ice-cream. I scream for ice-cream. You scream for ice-cream, right Doctor?

Hilbert: Of course! Of course I do.

Minkowski: Of course you do. I scream, you scream. I scream, you scream. We all scream for ice cream!

Hilbert: [muffled screaming]

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Hm. Nope. Turns out that was box 957. Nothing in there, except for some old Farmer’s Almanacs, and some diaries belonging to someone called Victoire Fourier. Think it’s time to call in the cavalry. Hey Hera, can you hear me?

Hera: Yes, I can, Officer Eiffel. But can this wait for a moment, I’m trying to learn my lines.

Eiffel: Lines? Oh god, tell me you’re not getting sucked into Minkowski’s crazy talent show thing.

Hera: Pirates of Penzance is a classic of 19th-century comic opera. And sure, Isabel isn’t the biggest role in the play, but it’s a start!

Eiffel: There’s many things going wrong with what you just said, but I so don’t have the time right now. Listen, multi-task for a moment.

Hera: Eiffel, I’m always multi-tasking.

Eiffel: And help me out here. Do you have the storeroom manifest knocking around in your head somewhere?

Hera: Of course, basic item description and organisational imprint for all... one thousand and thirty-seven crates.

Eiffel: Okay. What can you tell me about number 953?

Hera: One second. [pauses] Um... Not much, it says it’s reserved for you, but... beyond that the records are blank.

Eiffel: Nothing else?

Hera: Not in my internal banks. Let me access the central memory banks on the Hephaestus compu-

Hera: [mechanically] Error. Inappropriate security clearance. File access denied. File access denied.

Hera: Ugh, god damn it.

Eiffel: You okay?

Hera: Yes. No. I hate when that happens! Do you have any idea how annoying it is to get kicked off a thought when you’re halfway through having it? Now I’m going to have a headache for the rest of the night.

Eiffel: So, you can’t tell me anything else?

Hera: No. There’s information in the system, but I don’t have the –

Hera: [mechanically] Error. Inappropriate security clearance. File access denied. File access denied.

Hera: Ugh!

Eiffel: Woah woah woah, don’t make yourself short circuit. Stop trying to access that file.

Hera: Easy for you to say! You try not thinking about something sometimes, see how easy it is. [sighs] I think I would need Commander Minkowski’s security codes to get that information.

Eiffel: Ugh, yeah, well that’s not happening any time in the near future. Could you at least tell me where this box is?

Hera: Oh. That I can do. It’s on the far side of the store room, right behind box 102.

Eiffel: Hera... What are you talking about? There’s nothing there, just – H-Holy crap. That’s box 953? I thought that was part of the wall!

Hera: Nope. That’s the one you’re looking for. [pauses] Uh, listen Eiffel? I’m gonna go. Commander Minkowski’s running me through the cues for the Act 1 finale, and I should really give her my full attention. Well. Full-ish attention.

Eiffel: So that’s box 953? [pauses] Um. It’s different from the other boxes. First of all, it’s... it’s large. I believe the technical military term is ginormous. You could probably fit an elephant in there. And it’s made out of some kind of black metal. And all the other boxes are restrained, but this one looks like it was bolted in place. How the hell do you even open this thing? Oh, I see, there’s a groove right there and, a hinge next to... this label that says “Keep closed at all times”. So. I-I guess this section just... swings outwards. Ah! And it’s cold! Box 953 is really, really cold, dear listeners. [exhales] Um. A-And there’s a sound coming from inside the box, it – it’s like this... humming. That kind of comes and goes.

[faint humming fades in]

Eiffel: It... kind of sounds like... [nervous chuckle] I almost said it sounded like a heartbeat, but, well, that would be crazy. That would be completely impossible and insane, right, dear listeners? Right?

[long pause]

Eiffel: I guess I could go. You know. L-Leave this alone. Walk away, get some coffee. Maybe see if I can get choir part in Minkowski’s musical extravaganza without getting shot in the face. [pauses] Nah, who am I kidding? I’m gonna go now, dear listeners. I’m gonna go... into box 953. I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I do. I don’t know what exactly is... reserved for me in there. But it seems like something I should know. I need to know. Okay. I’m leaving now, dear listeners. I’ll see ya on the other side.

[box opening in the distance]

[fizzling, then huge rolling explosion and shattering noise]

[sharp static burst]

[static burst]

Eiffel: Listeners, I’m back. I’m back not from the inside of box 953, as I’d hoped, but rather from a long series of complications. It’s been a... long, painful, frankly annoying three hours since I last talked to you. And a lot’s happened. I tried to open box 953. But I found that the lid had not only been set in place, but actually bolted and riveted to the box. In lieu of superhuman strength, I decided to get a crowbar from engineering. I’m guessing I must have only been out of the room for... like a minute or so, before Commander Minkowski came in. Apparently, she was looking for me because she needed a second pair of eyes to tell her if the prop sabre for her Major-General costume was a bit much. [inhales] I... [exhales in frustration] may have... forgotten to put the lid back on box 56. That would be the one with the um, cannon? Well, in her... let’s call it excited state, Commander Minkowski decided that a cannon would be just the thing to liven up the end of the second act of the play. So she decided to test it by drunkenly lighting the fuse, and blowing a hole in the station’s hull. Like you do. Between the air catching fire, and the depressurisation of the storeroom, and – Y’know what, let’s just say that by the time we got her back into the main structure and sealed off that room, practically all of the crates had left the building. And few minutes later, they’d fallen into a decaying orbit around the star! And a few minutes after that, they were incinerated into a pile of ash. Box 953 is gone, dear listeners. It’s gone, and I never found out what was inside of it. Once again, our quarterly talent shows have taken something away from me. Something that I can never, ever get back.

Eiffel: [breathes deeply] I guess I should be... grateful. Commander Minkowski only suffered minimal burns and frostbite injuries, and... once whatever crap Hilbert gave her wears off, should make a full recovery. I guess... I even have new stuff to tease her about, now that she’s unleashed her inner Bob Fosse. And I suppose there’s something to be said about the fact that we didn’t lose the entire station from that hull breach. That we didn’t all die in a blazing inferno. Or suffocate in the blackness of the void. Or freeze to death.

Eiffel: [angrily] But I really wanted to know what was inside box 953, dear listeners! I really wanted to know! [pauses] Ugh, thank god this day is over. From the communications room of the USS Hephaestus, this is Doug Eiffel signing off. Goodnight.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. And the role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Tonight’s episode featured “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” from Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan. If you enjoyed tonight’s episode, please consider taking a moment to leave a review on our iTunes page. It’ll only take a moment, and unlike Minkowski’s talent show, will really help to boost morale amongst the crew. Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.