#cigarette candy

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: [joyfully] Hi, Dr. Hilbert!

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel, how are you tonight?

Eiffel: Fantastic, Doctor. Does your stopping by mean I get my [coughs] dose for the day?

Hilbert: Hm. Your cough has gotten worse since yesterday. Let me examine.

Eiffel: Please Doctor, I don’t think that’s really necessar- [muffled]

Hilbert: Your glands are swollen. Your uvula is very irritated.

Eiffel: It’s nothing, Doc. Now can I –

Hilbert: Could provide a very strong antibiotic that could –

Eiffel: That’s – That’s fine, Hilbert, but before you do that, could you gimme those –

Hilbert: It is important to address these health concerns right away, otherwise they could –

Eiffel: Dr. Hilbert. Do you have something for me?

Hilbert: Hm? Ah, yes, your nicotine lozenges, synthesised a new batch for you this afternoon. Here you are.

Eiffel: Oh, you are a great man, Dr. Hilbert. A great man.

Hilbert: Empirically. However, please conserve the batch this time. These are a sophisticated method of fighting symptoms of withdrawal. Not gas station breath mints.

Eiffel: Oh, you know me. Everything in moderation, and all that. Well Doc, great to see you. Thanks for stopping by! Let’s do this again tomorrow.

Hilbert: You’re welcome. Oh, and Eiffel – let me know if you experience any o-

[door slams shut]

[wrapper rustling]

Eiffel: I [coughs] I cannot even begin to tell you how much this is the stuff, dear listeners. The first batch tasted like cinnamon, but by my request, he was able to customise the second to taste like day-old ashtray. He’s literally made me cigarette candy! And it’s the best thing ever.

[Eiffel sighs in enjoyment]

Eiffel: But he’s right though. I gotta slow down with these things. I’ll only have two... no, three. Yeah no, definitely just four. Just four at a time. From the USS Hephaestus Station, this is Officer Eiffel, signing off. Goodnight!

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: [tiredly] Hello again dear listeners. This is the log of Officer Eiffel [coughs] recording on day four hundred [coughing fit] Oh, sorry about that. I’m not feeling so great today. My throat’s killing me. I’ve been kinda woozy all day. Y’know what the worst part is - I’m almost out of these lozenges.

[insistent knocking on the door]

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: Ah Doctor, impeccable timing.

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel! You look terrible.

Eiffel: Ah, um, I’m fine. Don’t even worry about it. It’s just... a space cold, or something.

Hilbert: That’s not how things work on a spaceship. Come here.

Eiffel: Now, just –

Hilbert: Come. Here.

[pause]

Hilbert: You’re running a fever. Have you been experiencing any discomfort? Aside from your throat.

Eiffel: Um... uh, I’ve kind of had a headache all day. Oh, and my back’s been kinda weird and itchy for the last three days.

Hilbert: Let me take a look.

[pause]

Hilbert: Alright, any muscle pain?

Eiffel: Nah... not really.

Hilbert: Hm. This skin has reacted with such an advanced case of morbilliform, but not myalgia yet. Fascinating.

Eiffel: Wait, yet?

Hilbert: Hm?

Eiffel: You just said [coughs] what do you mean, yet?

Hilbert: Yet? Oh drat, English such inelegant cudgel of a language. Occasional errors inevitable. Next question, how many nicotine lozenges have you had in the past twenty-four hours?

Eiffel: What? Um... All the ones you gave me yesterday, I guess, but... what does that have to do with an... Nicotine lozenges.

Hilbert: All of them? Already? You must space them out. I shall have to get you a fresh batch.

Eiffel: No, stop. What is this? Is there – Is there something in these lozenges?

Hilbert: Of course there’s something in them. [voice slightly echoing] Nicotine polycrylics, about five milligrams of phenylalanine, sucrose for flavour. Very simple chemical formula.

Eiffel: No. No, what I – [coughs] – is there – is there something in them that’s making me sick?

Hilbert: [increasingly echoing] Officer Eiffel, you’re looking very weak. Maybe you should – Officer Eiffel?

Eiffel: Huh? Wha- Where?

Hilbert: You fainted in the comms room, Officer Eiffel. I’ve moved you back to your quarters.

Eiffel: Hilbert? What’s going on here? What’s in those lozenges? Are you – you’re not making me sick, right?

Hilbert: What possible reason could there be for doing that?

Eiffel: R-Right, exactly. Besides, you’re a doctor, you’re like... morally opposed to doing anything like that. Do no harm, and so on.

Hilbert: Oh, not really. My PhD is in molecular biology. Theoretical scientist first, practical medicine more of a... past-time. Always saw Hippocratic oath as leaving one with a very limited scope. True science mustn’t be so severely hindered.

Eiffel: So... that’s a no. I’m not making you sick, right?

Hilbert: You’re sweating, Officer Eiffel. You’re running a very high fever. Impaired judgement and delusional fixations very common. Pay them no heed.

Eiffel: Just answer the damn question! Also, follow-up question: why am I tied to the bed?

Hilbert: Bed rest is crucial for a man in your condition. Restraints crude, but necessary measure to ensure peaceful, restive state. Very conducive to... speedy recovery.

Eiffel: But – but –

Hilbert: No buts. Just bedrest.

Eiffel: But – But Minkowski’s going to get on my case if I don’t show up for my cleaning shift later today!

Hilbert: Already taken care of. I have spoken to the Commander, requested that she give me unrestrained authority over your movements and schedule, until such a time as you have a clean bill of health.

Eiffel: I bet she didn’t like that one bit.

Hilbert: On the contrary. She agreed it was a necessary measure. Very enthusiastic at the idea of your absence.

Eiffel: Oh, great. Um, how long do you think we need to keep these restraints?

Hilbert: For as long as it takes. Now rest! I have taken the liberty of disconnecting all components of the intercom system in this room, to get the maximum quiet! I am leaving your daily dose of lozenges secured right here at this table, within your arm’s reach. Make sure you take them regularly. It would be a pity to come so far, only to lose progress at this point. Don’t worry. You’re in extremely capable hands. Goodnight!

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: Well, at least he did me the courtesy of leaving my portable recording device attached to my shirt. [sniffs] Ugh, I’m not sure if you can hear me, dear listeners. If you’re still with me, don’t worry. This sounds bad, but I know the comms system better than anyone, and I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to completely cut off a room. Case in point: hey Hera! Do me a favour and patch me through to Commander Minkowski, will ya? My hands are indisposed at the moment.

[silence]

Eiffel: Hera? Are you there? Hello?

[silence]

Eiffel: Um, okay. I may be in slightly more dire straits than I previously thought. Especially [coughs] because I’m seeing four – no, five – no, definitely four of everything right now. I’m – I’m going to shut this recording off for now. I feel I might need to make this battery last for a bit. I will... break radio silence again when I have one of my [coughs] patented escape plans figured out. I’ll talk to you soon, dear listeners. I hope.

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: [very tiredly] Hi again folks. I’m still here. Still under restraints. Still trapped. But still alive! No thanks to Dr. Hilbert though. I’ve no idea why he’s making me sick, but I know it’s him. I was fine before he started feeding me those things, and now... I [coughs] It’s been three days since I last talked to you. At least, I think it’s been three days. It’s always a little hard to be sure in this place. I’ve been... going in and out of consciousness a lot. I’ve only had contact with Hilbert for that entire time. He’s got me completely isolated, [coughs] just comes in a few times a day to give me food, some pills that are probably designed to turn my insides into radioactive goo. [coughing] And more of those damn lozenges. I’ve no idea what’s going on with the rest of the crew. I’ve no idea if they even know I’m still alive. Who knows what that maniac’s told them. I gotta let them know what’s going on, get them to save me before he gives me the full Nick Riviera. [laughter that turns into coughing] Jokes on ol’ Comrade Crazy though, I’ve only been pretending to take his pills. Stick ‘em under my tongue, then spit them into my jacket pocket the second he leaves the room. Sooner or later, my body will metabolise whatever crap’s already in my system. Then we’ll see how he likes it when someone’s messing around with his internal organs. [coughing] Even better than that though, I think I’ve figured out a way to get out of this. It took a bit of ingenuity, but –

[door opens and closes]

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel! Did I just hear you... talking to someone?

Eiffel: Who me? No. Of course not. I was just resting. Who would I even be talking to?

Hilbert: I definitely heard the sound of your voice.

Eiffel: I was just... recording my daily log. You know me, keeping up with regulations!

Hilbert: Indeed. How... dutiful of you. Ever diligent in your work, aren’t you.

Eiffel: Haha, that’s me! Me to a T. And speaking of that, don’t you think it’s time for me to get back to work? ‘Cause honestly, I don’t think I’m even sick anymore. I feel great!

Hilbert: ... Do you?

Eiffel: Never better! Not in my life! [coughing fit]

Hilbert: How many fingers am I holding up?

Eiffel: The Fifth Amendment says I don’t have to answer that question.

Hilbert: How many fingers? Simple question for a man in robust state of health, no?

Eiffel: ... Four?

Hilbert: Four?

Eiffel: ... Ish?

Hilbert: No, Eiffel. It was not four-ish fingers.

Eiffel: [explosively] What are you doing to me, you crazy science freak? What kind of sick experiment is this?

Hilbert: [exasperated groan] Not this again, for goodness’ sake Eiffel, you need to abandon this delusion. The only experiment here is one you are conducting on my patience. You’re running a fever of a hundred and five degrees, and fighting an aggressive infection in your pulmonary system. I’m only trying to help you get better. An enterprise that would be a lot easier if there was no need to grind your medicine into your food and administer it intravenously while you sleep!

Eiffel: Well, you know – What? You’ve – you’re smuggling drugs into me?

Hilbert: I’m good doctor. I can tell when someone has not been following prescribed procedure. All I did was take necessary measures for your health.

Eiffel: I – You – You have no right to do that! This is insane!

Hilbert: When patient does not trust doctor, doctor cannot trust patient. Now listen to me very carefully. I have every intention of seeing this through to the end. There are certain people who have to be dragged, kicking and screaming towards improvement. You are one of those people, Officer Eiffel. Sincerely hope that you will start listening to me, stop wasting your energy, and rest. You’re going to need it.

Eiffel: Hilbert.

[door opens]

Eiffel: Hilbert!

[door slams shut]

Eiffel: Hilbert!

Eiffel: Okay, okay. Don’t panic. Remember the plan. Just remember the plan. [coughing fit] Hilbert doesn’t know this, but I keep one of my tool bags by my cot. Took a lot of squirming, but I was able to reach it. Nothing in there that could cut through the restraints, but I was able to make some pretty clutch adjustments to this little recorder. I think I might be able to broadcast a short-range transmission. Talk to Minkowski. Alright. Here goes nothing.

[radio tuning noises]

[long beep]

Eiffel: Oh my god, yes! Yes yes yes! I’m good. Got it, I’m transmitting. Commander? Commander, do you copy? [coughing fit] Look, I don’t have much time. [sniffs] If you can hear me. Hilbert is holding me hostage in my room. He’s force-feeding me drugs and making me sick. I think he’s using me as pat of some sick experiment. I need to get out of here. I need your help. I need –

Hilbert: [over the radio] What you need, Eiffel, is to stop wasting your energies. I assure you; I have taken every precaution to provide you with distraction-free environment. Including a blockade of all short-wave transmissions. Now, go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow!

Eiffel: What? Why? W-What’s happening tomorrow? Hilbert? Hello? [pause] Oh god!

[two static bursts]

[static burst]

Eiffel: Well, dear listeners. This might be it. I’ve only got a little bit of battery left in this recorder, so uh, might as well use it. Y’know, I always thought I’d die in a science fair. Turns out I wasn’t that far off. Commander, I’ve always kind of suspected that you’d sneak into my room and NSA your way through my personal logs. If that’s the case, I hope you’re able to find this one. Be careful with Hilbert. Don’t take anything he gives you. [sniffs] And lock your doors at night. I don’t know what’s about to happen, but –

[door opens and closes]

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel. The time has come.

Eiffel: T-T-Time? Time for what?

Hilbert: Please, hold still.

Eiffel: Wait. Wait no. What’s in the bag? Hilbert, what are y – no no no no no. W-What are you doing with that knife? Wait. No, please. Let’s talk about this. I-I’m sure there’s all kinds of experiments you could run on me. You don’t have to do this. Please, let’s be reasonable. Just please, don’t cut – no, please don’t –

Eiffel: - Uh...

Hilbert:  Was simply removing your restraints, Officer Eiffel.

Eiffel: My - My restraints?

Hilbert: Yes. No longer necessary. Your fever broke last night. And all signs of infection are gone. You are, as they say, good to go.

Eiffel: I – I am?

Hilbert: Absolutely. Come on.

Eiffel: B-b-but... What was all that stuff about resting up and needing my strength for today?

Hilbert: You’re back on active rotation. You have a shift in two hours.

Eiffel: Oh. So... it wasn’t you.

Hilbert: Of course not.

Eiffel: Oh. Then... what was it that was making me sick?

Hilbert: Glad you finally asked. You were infected by a tropical flu.

Eiffel: A tropical flu?

Hilbert: There are a few samples of it in my laboratory. For experimental purposes. I hypothesised you were accidentally exposed during your recent stay there. May owe you an apology for that.

Eiffel: Oh. I guess that makes sense. Uh... thank you.

Hilbert: Thanks not necessary. Simply doing my job.

Eiffel: ... Sure. And... uh, I’m sorry for thinking you were running some kind of evil experiment on me.

Hilbert: Your imagination is incomparable, Officer Eiffel. But I must admit, a little disappointment. Just because I am scientist, does not mean I am mad ingenious supervillain, no?

Eiffel: Fair point. You really gotta work on your bedside manner though, Doc.

Hilbert: Bedside manner is like anaesthetic. It just gets in the way of what needs to be done.

Eiffel: Well, that about sums up the problem, I guess.

[rapid high-pitched beeping]

Eiffel: Oh hell, my recording device is still going. It’s almost out of battery. One sec, Hilbert.

Eiffel: Well, it looks like I was wrong about that situation, dear listeners. I feel like there’s a lesson to be had here, but it’s kind of lost in all the hallucinations right now. I’ll get back to it. From the Hephaestus Station, this is Officer Doug Eiffel, signing off! Say Doc, you wouldn’t happen to have more of those lozenges on you, would ya?

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Wanna get Dr. Hilbert’s recipe for homemade cigarette candy? Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

Where do I even begin with this episode?

Maybe I'll start with the obvious: Cigarette Candy is a very different episode on a re-listen. It was a sinister, tense episode to begin with, sure. But knowing that Hilbert really has been making Eiffel sick adds a whole layer of uncertainty, for me at least.

Because what is the point? Largely, I think it's an episode about whether or not Hilbert can be trusted. We heard last episode, after all, that the good doctor was  willing to leave Eiffel to die in space. It's natural that we might now wonder where his loyalties lie. And so we get this, an episode that teases us with the idea that Hilbert might, in fact, be a bad guy. And of course, the answer we are left with, at the end of the episode, is that no, Hilbert’s creepy and weird and a million kinds of unethical, but ultimately he is one of the good guys.

It's a brilliant misdirect, and it relies entirely on us misunderstanding what an evil Hilbert would look like. We, like Eiffel, assume that Hilbert, if he were actually evil, would be the archetypical mad scientist. And mad scientists aren't generally subtle. They certainly don't do regular things like help Communications Officers overcome the flu. And so we assume, since Hilbert isn't cartoonish in his villainy, and does, ultimately, help Eiffel, that he mustn't be a villain at all. We're wrong, of course. The episode doesn't give that away, though. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because as Cigarette Candy starts, it's not immediately clear that that's where this is all going. Instead, we tune in to a weirdly happy Eiffel, who claims he's trying a new, more optimistic approach to life. It's odd, and doesn't exactly bode well, especially with the occasional, gross coughing that Eiffel insists is no big deal. But it still feels like a light-hearted, comedy set-up. And hey, at least Hilbert seems to be doing something helpful, this time, right?

Of course, it's worth mentioning that Hilbert's "help" involves the titular cigarette candy, which are what Eiffel calls his nicotine lozenges. These, we quickly learn, are the reason for Eiffel's new, sunny outlook on life. They're sugary, they're soothing and - oh, yeah - they taste like "day-old ashtray". Which... eww!  But apparently Eiffel prefers that to the default cinnamon? Enough that he's consuming them in unwise quantities? I don't know, it certainly wouldn't be my choice. But you do you, Eiffel.

In any case, it leaves us in this weird situation where Hilbert is actually in Eiffel's good books, which is fun to listen to, until the doctor suddenly lets slip that hey, Eiffel, it's strange how you aren't experiencing any myalgia... yet.

It's super unsubtle, and part of me really wants to believe that Hilbert did it on purpose, just to troll Eiffel. "English such inelegant cudgel of a language", my ass. I see you there, Doc.

Funny as it is, though, it also marks the point at which the episode takes a sharp U-turn into psychological and medical horror, as Eiffel slowly begins to suspect that Hilbert has been poisoning him. Things only get worse when Eiffel faints and is taken to sickbay, and when Hilbert admits that he's not really a proper doctor, bound by all of those pesky ethics, it's downright chilling.

One phrase in particular, I think, tells us everything we need to know about Alexander Hilbert's motivations: "Always saw Hippocratic Oath as leaving one with a very limited scope. True science mustn't be so severely hindered." Hilbert, in the end, is all about the science, and he'll break the rules to get results, if needs be. It's a single-minded, pragmatic focus that we’ll see from the doctor over and over again as the show wears on. Here, then, although we don't know it yet, we're actually getting our first proper insight into what makes Dr. Hilbert tick. Pretty neat.

That said, on a first listen-through, before we learn about Decima, it just sounds like your standard mad scientist rant. It's followed up by some more mad scientist antics too, as Hilbert confines Eiffel to sickbay, ties him up and claims total authority over Eiffel's schedule, cutting him off completely from Hera and Minkowski. It's textbook nefarious, and so it sets Hilbert up perfectly as a properly sinister, if slightly cliché villain.

Of course, it's also just about plausible. We can just about see how confining Eiffel might help him get better soon, and we can just about see that he's not fit to be working, and we can just about see how a lack of distractions might be helpful. Add Eiffel's potential delusions into the mix, and we can see how the whole business could just be a misunderstanding, a product of Eiffel's fever and Hilbert’s lack of people skills. We can't 100% write the doctor off as a villain - and so the episode manages to maintain the tension, all the way through the back end of the episode. Is Hilbert really as evil as he seems? Or is Eiffel imagining it all? 

It's at this point that the first season's log format works in our favour, because if we're only hearing the personal logs of Douglas Eiffel, we're only getting the story from one very limited, potentially delusional point of view. We aren't getting Minkowski or Hera's more balanced perspectives, and so the suspense is preserved - is Hilbert trustworthy? We can't know. It's the sort of thing the show won't be able to do as easily in later seasons, at least not without finding a plot-related reason to side-line the other, more objective characters. Here, though, the nature of Eiffel's logs creates a more claustrophobic, tense bottle episode, where we can never quite be sure what's going on.

The absence of Hera and Minkowski is also ominous in and of itself. The pause after Eiffel calls out to Hera and she doesn't answer, in particular, is really eerie, at least for me. I don't know, I guess I'm just used to Hera being there?  It certainly cranks up the tension, especially when Hilbert foils Eiffel's attempt to contact Minkowski, and even more so when he reveals that he also knows that Eiffel hasn't been taking his drugs - that's why he's been giving him them intravenously.

And look, I know we've said that Hilbert isn't bound by the Hippocratic Oath. Being shady and unethical's kind of his thing. But can we just stop and appreciate just how messed up it is to drug Eiffel like this? It's not even like it's the first time this has happened, either. Remember the halothane gas? What we're seeing, in that light, looks more like an emerging pattern - a pattern of incidents where people are messed with, physically or psychologically, without their consent.

It's something we'll see again and again, throughout Wolf 359, and more often that not, it's linked less to individuals like Hilbert, and more to Goddard Futuristics, and their general ethos of dehumanising callousness. Hilbert is possibly evil, sure. But he's backed up by a whole, sucky-ass corporation, who have created an environment where consent - and all of the respect for human dignity and life that that implies - is not encouraged or valued. It's a gross, corporate attitude that is linked directly to moments like this, where Eiffel can be drugged and held captive against his will precisely because Hilbert knows there will be no official consequences for it. Goddard Futuristics do not care about human minds or bodies. They just care about the profits. It's not the same thing that drives Hilbert, as a character. But it aligns with his goals. Hilbert wants answers. Goddard wants money. Neither care much for actual humans.

That's actually one of the most frightening things about this episode - that, and the recording that Eiffel makes for Minkowski, urging her not to trust Hilbert once he's dead, which is funny, in a dark sort of way, until you think about Lovelace's old crew, and how Dr. Hilbert - sorry, Dr. Selberg - picked them off, one by one. That's essentially the exact same scenario that Eiffel's imagining here, when he worries about Hilbert going after Minkowski next, so perhaps he's not too far off the mark. Yikes.

Still, all is well in the end, as Hilbert reveals that Eiffel is cured! The knife was only for cutting Eiffel's restraints - way to not terrify your patient, doc! - and now Eiffel is cleared for duty, effective immediately. Phew!

It's a relief, for Eiffel and for us, and it's very easy to just see it as a heart-warming ending. The mad scientist turns out to be a good guy after all, Eiffel learns a lesson about judging people, and everyone goes back to their routine. Crisis averted. The episode asks, "Can Hilbert be trusted?" The ending tells us that he can. Case closed.

Only it's not that simple, is it? For one, Hilbert admits that Eiffel was infected with a tropical flu from his lab; knowing how much we now know, how likely is it that that "tropical flu" was actually Decima, or somehow Decima-related? In this respect, Hilbert's trustworthiness is actually far from established.

Secondly, though, and perhaps more interestingly, there's also the idea that Hilbert might have genuinely cured Eiffel, but might still be up to no good. A dead Eiffel, after all, means no more Decima research, and that would be a disaster for Hilbert. Keeping the crew alive and healthy is in Hilbert's best interests, and so, to a degree, he is actually trustworthy, or at least reliable. In fact, Hilbert is probably one of the most reliable characters in the series, if only because he can always be trusted to protect his own interests. Unlike the others, whose goals sometimes shift, and whose actions are often determined by their emotions or their underlying characters, Hilbert almost never acts in such a way as to compromise his goals and his work. His focus is single-minded, and it makes him very, very reliable - trustworthy, almost. But good? Ethical? Not so much. It's at best a parody of integrity, a twisted, brutal code that doesn’t care much for other people.

The story, I think, is more interesting for it. Instead of a story about how Hilbert secretly has a heart of gold, we get a more unsettling story about how Hilbert can be relied on, but only to a certain extent. Instead of a story about a good person being good, it's the story of a bad person doing good - and that is infinitely more compelling.

And of course, all this is only really obvious in hindsight. Listening to it blind, we get an episode that is funny, tense and just about the right kind of creepy. It's simultaneously the darkest thing the show has done so far, an excellent black-humour-filled bottle episode and (almost) a heart-warming tale. To have that and all the bonus, retrospective Hilbert characterisation?

*shakes my head*

This episode, man.

 Miscellaneous thoughts:

 I said already but cigarette candy sounds so gross!

Zach Valenti does such a good job of sounding properly, horribly ill throughout this whole episode

"Officer Eiffel, you look terrible." Aww, no need to sugar-coat it, doc!

"You're not making me sick, are you?" "What possible reason could there be for doing that?"  *whistles innocently*

Ugh when Hilbert says "Good night!" like that :O

Heh, the ticking clock in the background when Hilbert gets the kife out is a nice little touch