#podcast transcript

Show Notes

Episode Script: Ruu McKinney

Voice Acting

Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney

Music

Introduction

“Laundromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction

Happenings in the Hollow

“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music

Local Community Spotlight

“Moldavian Polka” by DPStudioMusic

“The Best Jazz Club in New Orleans” by Paolo Argento

“Silly Humor Comic Background Music” by MFCC/Sosin Mykola

Local Sponsor Message

“A Desert Tale” by OB-LIX/Claude Houde

“Bright Future Forward Upbeat Corporate” by Music_For_Creators

Send in the Clowns Episode Transcript

[Introduction segment begins. ““Laundromat Lofi Chill” ” plays]

Hello Listeners, and greetings from Evenfall Hollow. I’m your Host Phil, and with me is my PA Paul, who is looking very perky and youthful today. And our office cat Muffin, who also doesn’t look a day over… 10?

[Cat growls]

Eww… 5?

Muffin will accept 5.

Huh? Why are you tapping your fingers Marty? Hold on listeners, Marty is writing something.

[Reads] Do I look perky and youthful today as well?

Well, I mean that’s not the first description that comes to mind. I…

Oh. You want to know which one did? My honest opinion?

Are you sure?

Okay… Umm… Let’s see. I was thinking more Texas Cattle Rancher who decided after a divorce from their wife of 40 years, to change careers and sell colorful western wear on the border of Kazakhstan and Eastern Russia.

I also pondered Belarusian fireman, but no, I’m standing by the cattle rancher one.

Well you asked for my opinion.

Hmm. Someone is wearing their heart on their brightly embroidered sleeve today.

So anyhow listeners, we are the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and our job is to provide you with a little Tex-mex style fajita combo of all the great things about our town. All you need to do is wrap it up in a delicious tortilla, add a little sour cream and guacamole, and enjoy. And by that, I mean come visit us.

What? I’m hungry and describing Marty made me want Fajitas.

Well, no, don’t throw down your dry erase board in frustration Marty.

There’s no need to leave angry.

No the leaving part is great. Just don’t do it angrily.

[Sound of chair being pushed out, Door closes.]

Hmm. Well let’s go ahead and move on to the happenings in the hollow segment, before I make anyone else upset about their fashion choices.

[Happenings in the Hollow Segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays]

Happening in the hollow today, our town has been having some issues with the local feral clown population. Nobody is sure exactly what is riling them up, but it has been a reign of terror.

It all started yesterday, when a pack of feral clowns emerged from the woods and began a determined march down main street. The flat footed slapping of clown shoes, and the honk of rubber noses… Listeners, it was absolutely deafening. It was like that one invasion scene scene in Chronicles of Riddick, but with balloon animals.

Anyhow, it was mostly uneventful until they reached the Pastor’s church. The Pastor, who had stepped out for a moment to get a smoked venison burger from Arby’s, came back to find his door wide open, and his church ransacked.

A harried Pastor reported in a panic that the clowns had had their way with his collection of fortified wines, and left pickle brine all over the floor.

Yeah Paul. We have our disagreements, but I was there to help him clean up.

No, he spent the whole time promising me eternities of brimstone, and calling me a godless heathen, but he also brought me an order of curly fries and a turnover, so I guess we’re friends?

So anyways, the horde of clowns…

What’s that Paul?

Huh. I didn’t know that.

So Paul says that a group of clowns is called a clown alley.

So the Clown alley then proceeded down the road to Brandon’s fuel and small engine, where they broke down the door and apparently consumed Brandon’s entire basement of “all natural herbal remedies” that he had no idea was there and that definitely did not belong to him. The Clown alley then proceeded to the nearest taco bell where they were bear maced and taken into custody via the heroic efforts of local animal control officer Shiela Hernandez, and…

Our very own Paul, everyone!

From the reports I read, Paul was an absolute beast. So if you’re ever having clown related issues and you can’t get a hold of Shiela, apparently Paul is very much down to clown.

What’s that Paul?

Noooo, I don’t think it means that.

What? What Craig’s list ad? Let me see.

Oh.

Uh… Listeners, I just want to correct my previous statement. Paul is not down to clown. He is… uh… Well… Let’s… Let’s move on.

Oh and on a side note, the pastor was also at the Taco Bell during the clown debacle. Witnesses report that he hit one clown with a slipper and then accidentally got bear maced.

I’m not laughing Paul.

Okay. Maybe I am. Sorry Pastor. And thank you for the turnover. It was flakey and delicious.

And now to move on to our main story today where we take to the streets to find out what has the clowns so riled up.

Oh Paul, are those Shiela’s Brass knuckles?

Niiiiiice.

[Local Community Spotlight segment begins. “Moldavian Polka” plays]

Listeners, our local community spotlight today is taking us out on the town, where we hope to find the source of this recent bout of clown alley shenanigans. Now as the Pastor was the first resident to be affected by the recent clown stampede, we figured starting our investigation outside of his church made sense. And courtesy of a trail of popped balloon animals and polka-dotted pants, we’ve been able to follow the trail down the road a few blocks and up to the edge of the forest.

Hmm. You know, honestly, I expected a much more difficult time finding their trail. Yeah Paul, that’s why I’m wearing the Sherlock Holmes hat and carrying a magnifying glass.

I agree Paul. I’m perhaps, a bit overdressed.

Can I put these in your bag?

Thank you, you’re a life saver.

Oh. Muffin’s too.

Thanks buddy.

So I know I keep dragging you into the forest lately Paul and I’m sorry for that. But we’ve been fine so far, right?

Well yeah, we’ve careened down a few steep hillsides while screaming in terror, but we’re still here, fighting the good fight. And we’ll be here tomorrow as well.

How do I know? Well I mean I don’t. But…

Oh, Hi Susan! Yep we’re just enjoying some outside time as well.

Listeners, our good friend Susan Parquet has just passed by on her morning coffee walk.

Look at Susan, Paul. She doesn’t let existential dread keep her down, and out of everyone I know, she’s someone who really has an excuse to.

What do you mean what do I mean? I… uh… Hmm. You know what, nevermind.

But yeah. Everything’s gonna be just fine. Now let’s continue to follow this trail of destruction and clown shoes up into the deep dark woods.

What? I mean Muffin doesn’t seem to be very scared. I mean look at her go. C’mon Paul, let’s keep up.

[Walking sounds for several moments]

Hey uh Muffin, slow down a bit. Paul is still recovering from popcorn lung!

Phew. Okay Paul, you go ahead and take a quick break and I’m gonna look around while you catch your breath.

So listeners, this is definitely the direction the clown alley rampage originated from. In the branches along the edge of the path, there are wisps of rainbow wig, several stray bow-ties, and I count at least uh… One… Two… Three empty seltzer bottles. I also pick up the distinct aroma of funnel cakes, roasted peanuts, and popcorn.

Yes Paul. And Taco meat. I was trying to spare the listeners that part, but you’re right. We need to paint the full picture.

So listeners, we’re going to move on to our local sponsor message while Paul recovers, and I spray a bit of air freshener, and we’ll be back in just a few minutes.

[Local Sponsor Message segment begins. “A Desert Tale” plays]

It’s 2am. The lights are off save for the blue tinged glow of your tv. You have school tomorrow, and you probably should’ve gone to bed 4 hours ago… But it’s the final boss fight and when you started it, you figured you’d be done in 10 minutes max. But there are four different forms you have to fight, with a 20 minute unskippable cutscene between each one, and no way to save your game.

You’re thirsty. You’re a little hungry. But you’re also pretty sleepy. No wait, the boss just wiped your whole party except for one with an insta kill attack. What kind of cheap… Wait. No time. Where is your megalixir?

Phew. Well, you’re not tired anymore!

Your hands are sweaty and icy cold. Your heart’s pounding.

You’re holding your breath and…. Oh. Is it….? Is it?

YES! You did it. In your face!

Oh man. That was intense. Now you can…. Uh…

Wait. A final 40 minute unskippable cutscene before you can save your game and go to bed?

I guess you’re stuck, but hell if you’re doing this again. You’ve put way too much time into this.

[Music fades into “Bright Future Forward Upbeat Corporate”]

Does this sound familiar?

If you grew up around video games, then you’ve been in this situation at least once.

And you know how we know?

Because we’re Mother *&#^$*ing* Gamestop.

Yep. That same place that used to offer you $3 for the $60 game you bought the day before, and also charged you for a game informer subscription without you realizing it, and then wouldn’t remove it.

And yes, we are also the ones that sat on a huge stash of Xenoblade copies for the Wii, and then magically “found them” and sold them for double to triple the price after everyone else was sold out.

Well, times have changed.

You can’t sell your old video games anymore because they’re all digital and you don’t actually own them.

You can sell your game consoles still I guess, but we’re only gonna give you $20 for it, before we resell them for $20 less than new, with the added surprise of roaches inside the case and a lifetime ban from Xbox live because the previous owner kept sending racist messages to minors.

You’re gonna have to talk to Microsoft about that buddy. We just sell games.

Well, we used to.

But don’t worry because we are still very much a company. It’s just that instead of a game company, we’ve decided to sell stonks and Funko-Pop. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still help recreate those same intense memories from your childhood.

Take our stonks for example. If you short our stock because we can’t actually tell you what we do to generate revenue, you’ll get the same “Lost to the final boss” feeling when we still inexplicably raise our stock prices and leave you with a $300,000 margin call. Now your grandpa’s retirement acccount is empty and he has banned you from christmas. Wait. You thought stocks were based to real-world performance? Oh you’re cute.

Almost as cute as our extensive collection of Funko-Pops.

Did you know we have a variety of exclusive, limited edition variants? Better yet, did you know that you can buy them to speculate with, only to find out that there isn’t actually anyone that collects them, and you end up having to pay someone on facebook to haul them away on a trailer because they are a constant reminder of your poor financial decisions?

Oh and we sell pokemon cards too. Well wait never mind. The scalpers already bought those. Hmm. Were those our bots or someone elses? Well whatever.

Or perhaps you want a more traditional Gamestop experience? If that’s the case, might I invite you to pre-order the next hot AA game that will come out 2 years from now on a next gen system that hasn’t even been announced yet? And by game, we mean a download code in a game box and maybe a shiny in-game hat. Extras like a map or a clock or something fun? Who do you think we are? Late 90’s Squaresoft?

And it also won’t have the fun game manual you get to read on the way home. But we make huge amounts of interest on those pre-orders, so think of it as a favor to us…

Wait. I need to write that down for our next shareholder meeting.

Gamestop:

We’re like a payday loan company, but we sell Funko-Pops.

[Local Community Spotlight begins. “Moldavian Polka” plays]

We’re back listeners, and we have caught our breath, and are ready to continue the trail.

Yeah Paul, the one that goes up that incredibly steep, rocky hillside, and across that creaky, and questionable rope bridge that spans across the deep gorge full of rushing rapids.

See what you’re missing by not regularly venturing into a forest full of abyssal horrors?

Hmm. I’m sorry listeners. I meant to say “Forest full of natural wonder and breathtaking beauty.”, or as our mayor says “our peaches and cream flavor” or something like that.

On that note, perhaps its better if I say “up ahead on that picturesque scenic bluff, on the other side of the…” yeah no, no, you’re right. But either way, I feel like if a giant stampede of clowns was able to cross it, then we should be fine. We can’t possibly be what, a 30th the weight of a clown alley stampede? Well I actually had a big breakfast, so call it 1/15.

No, I agree with you Paul. I hate imperial measurements. I mean in what dimension are 15/16, ¼, and 7/8 sizes easier to understand than sizes like 10mm, 11mm, and 12mm, and so on. Unfortunately I am not aware of a metric measurement for clown alleys.

Oh hold on. ChatGPT says, conservatively speaking, 2 adult males of average build are about 0.2 Deca-clowns , or deca-piaso in spanish. And Grok says that it’s equal to about 0.01 of an Elon.

Oh you think I should check with Gemini? Okay let’s see.

I… Oh… It looks like it just deleted all the data on my phone instead.

Well it’s just as well. Copilot would’ve done the same thing anyhow so this saves me a few minutes.

But anyways, don’t worry. It’ll be fine.

[Walking sounds]

So after walking a little bit further down the trail, we appear to have reached a fork. Muffin has taken a left which would appear to direct us away from the other path that Paul was less than keen on exploring.

Yep, no rocky hillside.

No. No rope bridge.

Just what looks like a dark tunnel or cave at the end, from which nobody will ever return.

[Sighs]

There you go again Paul.

So listeners, there appears to be what looks like old train tracks off in the undergrowth of the forest along with a mix of the tangy aroma of stale creosol, and the sweet earthy smell of forest soil. Yes, I agree Paul. Taken all together in one breath, along with the carnival food and taco meat, this place smells weirdly similar to a PF Changs.

No, I agree with you Paul. Panda Express all the way.

Huh. We’re approaching a curve in the trail up ahead. And as we round the bend and get a better look at that cave… Ah! Yeah. There we go. Clowns.

Yeah Paul. In that old Barnum and Bailey circus train car that is partially obscured by the impenetrable blackness of the abandoned railway tunnel behind it. Just past the carts of carnival food.

Now from the growls and glowing eyes that seem to be peering hungrily back from the other side of the rusted and weathered iron bars of the train car, I’d say there is at least a couple dozen clowns.

[Sound of approaching hoverboards]

Wait. I hear hoverboards. Quick Paul, get behind the…

[“The Best Jazz Club in New Orleans” plays]

Uh-oh. Too late.

[Suspicious] Hello… Marty.

No I will not greet the Hot Dog Man.

Don’t bother, Daniel.

So Listeners, we are now here with our corporate overlord, the Hot Dog Man, and Abracadaniel, all of which I assume play a key role in recent events.

The Hot Dog man is shaking his head innocently, and both Abracadaniel and Marty are both holding up cards that say “Who? Us?”

Look. Just stop trying to sigh indignantly Hot Dog Man. You don’t have a face. The effect is lost. It’s like Simon Cowl trying to emote. It just doesn’t work any more.

Abracadaniel is holding up an index card that says “Why are you following us?”

What? What do you mean following you? You’re following us!

The hot dog man is pointing at his lack of eyes, and Abracadaniel has written “How could we follow you? He has no eyes.”

The same way he rode a hoverboard up here.

Marty is now holding up a card that says “Waymo” and a question mark.

You know I don’t mean Waymo, Marty! Now enough games. I… Did you just offer Paul a funnel cake?

No Paul, it’s a trap.

[Sound of slapping food to floor]

I’m sorry, but I just have a bad…

[Muffin starts to growl]

No Muffin get out of that!

Paul could you hand me one of those bottles of seltzer please?

[Cat growling]

Ummm… Muffin? You Okay there girl?

[Sounds of loud crashing, cat fighting. “Silly humor Comic background music begins to play]

Okay. So whatever was in that funnel cake seems to have driven Muffin into a frenzy. She has bitten the hot dog man on what I guess you’d consider to be his forehead…

[Sound of hoverboard riding away]

And he has suddenly accelerated forward into the funnel cake cart.

[Sounds of crashing and flames billowing]

The cart has tipped over and spilled hot oil all over the place, and Abracadaniel has slipped and toppled over in an explosion of fake roses and multi-colored handkerchiefs.

[Sounds of hoverboard continue]

The hoverboard has continued forward into the circus train car where there has been another large explosion.

[Sound of large explosion]

Hmm. That seems to be happening a lot lately. They should probably recall those hoverboards…

[Sounds of flames]

The Hot Dog Man, now aflame, has stopped, dropped, and has begun to roll, but now there is an entire alley of feral clowns pouring out of the now open train-car door.

Hey uhh Paul if you’ve caught you breath, could you do your thing?

[Sounds of punching]

Oh! Listeners, Paul has just punched out a clown with an absolutely textbook right cross. Wait. Wait.

[Sounds of punching]

Two clowns.

[Sounds of punching]

Oh now we got three. Wow, you are good with those things. Can I give it a try?

Ooh. The brass knuckles are all warm. Oops hold on listeners.

[Phil grunts in exertion. Sound of another punch landing, followed by crashing]

Listeners. I have also punched out a clown… Wait no, that was Abracadaniel. Sorry Daniel. Well, no, not really.

Here Paul, take these. I can’t be trusted.

[Sounds of Muffin yowling and fighting]

Muffin has pounced onto the fallen Abracadaniel as he rolls on the ground holding his face, and that seems to be a problem for Muffin, because it looks like his face is the part that she is trying to eat.

[Sounds of Muffin yowling and fighting]

He’s gotten up and has tried to make a run for it, but Muffin is already on him, slapping and clawing at his heels as he flees, all while he holds up an index card with a hastily written “Aaaaaaahhhh” on it. Now thats dedication to a bit.

Uh… The hot dog man on the other hand, is slightly singed, and has two deep fang marks where his general forehead area would be. With one hand holding his Muffin wounds, he was limped over and grabbed Abracadaniel’s hoverboard. And with a shake of his fist, and a jiggle of his still exposed buttocks, he has disappeared into the forest as well.

[Sounds of hoverboard riding away]

I agree Paul. His pants are basically just chaps at this point.

Marty on the other hand, seems to just be standing there well… Speechless.

Yeah, he has a sharpie in hand, but hasn’t written…

[Sounds of flame and crashing]

Oh! Listeners, the alley of clowns has just returned to ransack whats left of the popcorn, cotton candy, and burnt funnel cakes, and has trampled Marty in the process.

You okay there Marty?

I dunno Paul, he’s still got the sharpie in his hand, but it’s just kinda twitching in the air. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Well, I’d say now is probably a good time to exit stage left as they say. So we’re just going to grab one of these cotton candies and a bag of popcorn for the pastor, and then, I’m gonna slowly inch backwards towards safety. Oh hey Paul, grab that bag of popcorn seasoning please.

So listeners. We’re going to pause for just a few moments while we make our way to safety, and we’ll be back in just a moment.

[Outro Segment begins. “Moldovian Polka” plays]

We’re back listeners. So the best we can tell, it appears that the clowns were, for reasons unknown, baited to stampede through the town via a wide selection of carnival foods. I tried a few bites as we made our escape, and honestly, this is some of the worst popcorn I’ve ever had.

It’s unsalted, it’s a bit stale, and overall, it’s just very bland and unsatisfying.

Oh hey Pastor. I know it’s been a rough couple of days for you, so we brought you a little pick me up.

[Paper bag rustles]

Well I know it’s bland. I just said that. But don’t worry, we made sure to grab some seasoning, so help yourself.

Umm… Maybe slow down a little Pastor. I’m not sure your heart needs that much…

Eh fine. Whatever. I… Uhh… Hmm Paul? Does his mouth usually foam like that?

What kind of salt was that?

Paul says the bottle is labeled as Florida Bath Salts.

Uh oh.

Uhh…Well listeners..

[“Silly Humor Comic Background Music” fades in]

…this is Phil and Paul of the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism wishing you a great night and… Oh God Paul, keep him away from your face!

©2023-2026 Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney. All Rights Reserved.

Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism is an audio-fiction podcast produced by Windborne Press, and created/written/produced/edited by Ruu McKinney. No reproduction of any of its components is allowed for commercial use without prior authorization by its creators.

Show Notes

Episode Script: Ruu McKinney

Voice Acting

Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney

Music

Introduction (0:00)

“Laundromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction

“Spanish Flamenco” by Studio Kolomna

Happenings in the Hollow (1:19)

“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_Music

Local Community Spotlight A(3:18)

“Midnight Coffee Lofi Relax” by Trang Thanh

Local Sponsor Message (6:22)

“Motivational Corporate” by Music_for_Creators

Local Community Spotlight B (10:52)

"Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe" by Denis Pavlov

"Sad Violin 4" by Chrispixer

Outro (14:58)

Original Soundtrack Episode Transcript

[Introduction segment begins. “Laundromat Lofi Chill” Plays.]

Hello future visitors and residents and welcome to another sizzling episode of Greetings from Evenfall Hollow. I’m your host Phil, and with me are my PA Paul, our office cat Muffin… And…

[Relieved sigh]

And not Marty. Hmm I wonder where he went this time?

No, no! Don’t say his name a third time Paul, or he’ll appear out of a mirror. And also, I think he’s filled with bees?

What’s that Paul?

That was the movie Candyman?

[Another relieved sigh]

Well that’s a load off my mind. He’s bad enough without the bees.

So anyhow listeners, we’re here to show you all the wonderful sides of our rapidly growing and modernizing town, soon to be city, and the best way we can get started on that, is by seeing whats happening in the hollow.

You loved that transition didn’t you Paul? I was like the board of tourism version of Zorro.

Really? Just a shrug shrug?

[Paul plays a clip of zorro music]

Paul. Paul. You’re being placating.

[frustrated sigh]

Okay, uh, anyways, on to the next segment.

[Happenings in the Hollow segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays.]

Happening in the hollow this week,

Local resident Corey Reeves lodged a complaint against our new Italian restaurant “Spaghetabout it” due to what he described as injuries incurred by a what he called a “Pizza box Mimic”.

While sources confirm that it was more likely that Corey simply had too much Fireball whiskey and fell down a staircase while eating a slice of pizza, I guess a little extra caution around your dinner containers never hurt anyone.

So what have you been up to this past weekend Paul? Its been a busy day for me so far. I woke up and turned on my roomba, then i did some morning aqua zoomba, and then for lunch I was thinking about having a delicious bowl of toomba.

Whats that Paul? I sound like doctor who?

No, no, I didn’t make any words up, they’re Korean noodles. You just need more culture in your life.

Well I don’t care how many berets you have Paul. Berets are not an indicator of culture. What are you, the brand ambassador for Kangol?

Well Samuel L Jackson shouts a lot, are you gonna start doing that too?

Geez you’re in a mood today.

What’s that?

Wow.

Okay, that’s it. We’re not going to Rhondas after the show then.

No I don’t mean that. We'll still go, but you cant blow on your food.

Well I’m sorry Paul, its in the hands of fate now.

What do you mean you don’t like my wardrobe choice?

Oh?

Well you know, those are some big claims from someone who looks like a collab between Edward Snowden and HotPockets.

[Bed music abruptly stops]

Oh… I’m sorry Paul that was much more searing than I intended.

Oh, so it’s like that?

[Long sigh]

Well listeners, Paul is mad at me, so I guess we’re just gonna move on to the local Community Spotlight.

No friendly banter for us today I guess. Well, whatever, let’s just go and uh… Ugh, Wheres Muffin?

[Local Community Spotlight Segment begins. “Midnight Coffee Lofi Relax” plays.]

For today’s local community spotlight, we’re here at the local Perkins in Old Hollow, and you know what that means everyone.

[Pause]

That’s right. It’s another Q&A with our local resident Oracle, Big Carl.

It’s great to see you Carl. How are you doing?

Carl says he’s doing great listeners. Well you’re about to be doing even better Carl, because we brought you a Possum pie, fresh from Helen’s Bakery.

Hey! Don’t be a narc Paul. I know its outside food, but we’re cool with the Perkins crew. And I’ll order double entrees to even things out, so don’t worry.

For those of you unfamiliar with this southern staple, it is a chocolate mousse pie, similar to a french silk, but with the addition of vanilla Pudding, and a layer of lightly sweetened cream cheese and sour cream underneath.

Exactly Carl. They do a version of this at the Burger King, and honestly, it’s the only thing there worth getting.

So shall we tackle the first question while we wait for our server to come and take our order?

Now last time listeners, Paul and I pre-read these questions and organized the best ones. This time however, our corporate overlord Marty insisted on selecting them, so hopefully, this doesn’t turn into a complete train wreck.

Okay.

Let’s see. Kevin writes: Mr. Liota. Why do you hate delivery drivers and food service workers?

[Paul plays zorro music]

Paul please.

[Zorro music fades]

Umm, well thank you for your question Kevin, however, this Q&A is really meant for general questions that our friend Big Carl can use his impressive knowledge to assist with. But I guess since it’s here, I don’t hate food service workers or delivery drivers at all, Kevin. In fact, I am a firm believer that customer service and retail workers are the unsung heroes in our society, and the key to our world moving along smoothly.

Uh… Let’s move on to the next question.

Daniel A writes: Mr. Liota, why are we letting coastal elites like you indoctrinate our children, and tell us what to think and feel? I refuse to be a sheeple.

I… What? First off, I live in Evenfall Hollow and the only coast around here I know of is the Suncoast store over in Old Hollow, and it’s just full of Bats and funko pops. Secondly, nobody in the Hollow has kids that we know of… And third, well… Are you drunk?

[Paul plays zorro music again]

Paul. Paul! If you have something to say, then just say it. You’re being juvenile.

[Zorro music fades out]

So listeners, we’re going to jump to our local sponsor message while we take a look at this bag of letters, as many seem to just be personal attacks and attempts to impugn my good name. I also need to go find a server, as we’ve still not had our order taken. We’ll be back in just a few minutes.

Okay, I’m going to see whats going on with our server.

[Paul plays zorro music as phil walks away]

Stop sound tracking me Paul!

[Local Sponsor Message Segment begins. “Motivational Corporate” plays]

For ages, dogs have been referred to as man’s best friend. But here at Microsoft, we’ve been hard at work making you a new best friend. A better best friend.

Now, imagine for a moment, you had a best friend that could read you your emails. A best friend that could order you food, or pay your bills for you. This new best friend, why, they could do just about anything for you.

No, no, not like a person, but rather, a virtual friend that you have to pay us for. Of course it can’t do anything physical for you. Why would you think it could? It’s not magic.

Maybe you need go outside a minute and touch some grass. Uh… whoa whoa whoa wait wait wait! Don’t do that. I didn’t mean that. Stay here and hang out with the new best friend we made you. We also made pie.

Please?

Phew. That was close.

Where was I? Oh, that’s right. Almost zero limitations to what this new best friend could learn to do for you. Zero limitations whatsoever, barring all of the limitations. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but tech is complicated. So, don’t worry about it.

[Frustrated sigh]

Look. If you really care that much, it’s on subsection 47b, paragraph 98 of page 733 of the terms and conditions. But why waste your time reading terms and conditions like a nerd? Your new best friend can read it all for you, and it just did, and says it’s a great deal. The best deal.

So it is with extreme pleasure, that I announce to you, our latest innovation in best friends: Microsoft copilot.

Now I know there has been a lot of news lately about Copilot. Lots of very ugly words from the haters. Words like AI slop, and lots of alarmist screeching. But we promise you, it’s great.

In fact, we’ll prove it to you using the media’s own attacks. Let’s see here.

“I asked Copilot to find pictures of my cat, and it erased my hard drive.”

Well, it’s just helping you be more efficient by eliminating distractions.

“It sent all of my corporate data to Microsoft servers.”

Well, that just allows us to help you better.

“It adds a weird third leg whenever I try to make deepfake porn of minor celebrities”

Hey, Hey. Don’t kink shame your best friend. That’s being a bad friend, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Maybe expand your horizons a little, huh?

But as with any meaningful product or innovation, we can’t do it without breaking some eggs. But in this case its just virtual eggs, and not real ones, because its software.

And by eggs, we mean you may not be able to afford or even buy DDR5 ram, uh, Solid state drives, or even graphics cards. But honestly, that’s not really gonna matter soon because you won’t be able to get a job, afford food, or even access fresh water, and you’ll likely live in a surveillance state. And also, the climate is going to boil and drown most of us in the next hmm, two decades, and that’s before the ultra tornadoes.

But why are you still talking about eggs? We’re talking about helping you. And to do that, we need to train Copilot with all of your personal data.

It’s fine, we won’t share it with anyone else. Pinky promise. You know a real one. Not the extra one copilot created when you asked it to edit out that coworker you got a little too close to during that Coldplay concert.

Wait. You used Copilot to edit out your coworker in that one team building photo, but it kept your coworker, and instead gave you a Hitler mustache and a Hugo Boss uniform? Well I mean… Umm… Hey, now you can get a job in government. See? Copilot always has your back.

So for a nominal monthly fee, you get all the perks of a computer, without needing to know how it runs, what it’s doing with your data, or having to worry about building, maintaining, or owning it. If you wanna worry about something, why not worry about umm, inventing problems that our awesome solution can solve for you. And when you find one, Copilot will let us know. Which is handy because we haven’t come up with anything yet.

Microsoft Copilot. Stop saying AI Slop!

[Local Community spotlight returns. “Midnight Coffee Lofi Relax” plays]

We’re back listeners.

So we’ve looked through this sack of letters, and it seems the majority are just hurtful accusations. And also, almost every single one of them has mustard stains. So I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is more than likely another hit-job by our boss to discredit and shame us.

Well, you know what? The joke’s on you Marty – You can’t shame, discredit, or break me.

[Paul starts playing rant music]

I live in a questionable apartment, with an overly pious pastor as a neighbor and a surly cat who might be working behind my back with my biggest enemy to do something terrible.

My best friend has spent the last few weeks slowly killing himself, one nicotine cloud at a time, until he can barely walk 10 feet without gasping.

And you know what? It’s absolutely killing me.

And also, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in I don’t know how long, because I’m visited by a sleep paralysis demon every night who insists on getting me to try a jamba juice.

And you know what? I finally tried one, and it was delicious! And he didn’t even charge me, because he just needs someone to hang out with and everyone immediately starts screaming when they see him! And the sleep paralysis demon’s name is Jeremy and he’s really into pickleball, and once you get past his weird melting along the wall thing and glowing red eyes, he’s actually pretty okay.

And also, he kept playing that german cover of Ed Sherran’s shape of you because it was the only song he could get online because he doesn’t have a credit card. so I gave him an external drive with 100GB of music from my collection, and now he’s actually taken a liking to german EDM, Lady Gaga, and a Mongolian grunge rock band that does throat singing. And I’m glad he’s expanding his horizons, because there is no bad music, unless you’re listening to Kid rock.

So unless you have a Marty full of bees, there’s very little you can do to me, because this town knows me, and I know them. And I love my town. And my cat. And my best friend!

[Sad Violin music begins]

I… Paul are you crying?

You realized I was worried about you and so you quit vaping and it’s been making you really on edge?

Paul, why didn’t you say anything? Quitting is rough. I...

Carl, have I been terrible?

Listeners, Carl says “Great. Terrible. Both are largely a matter of perspective. Within each person exists endless combinations of dark and light, and what is life, but the struggle to slowly define which side of us wins out. But in the end, we are all our own judge.

Wow… Carl that was really insightful. Do you have any other nuggets of wisdom to share with us?

Okay uh, listeners, Big carl would like everyone to know the following:

AI and LLM’s are basically very large and black-boxed formulas that simply weigh how likely a word or image aspect would fit into the context provided, based on previously supplied examples. They don’t know anything, and ultimately just serve to focus and proliferate the inherent bias and distorted views of its creators, who largely don’t know what society needs, because they are not actively a part of it, and never have been. AI does not actually contribute anything new or unique, because it can only access data they have already consumed. They cannot create or define anything, because it is essentially an electronic crow or parrot.

Ooh Carl. Microsoft is not gonna like that take. Please. Go on.

Uh huh.

Carl also says that Hootie and the Blowfish are a severely underrated band, and that when Hootie portrayed a singing cowboy in the Burger King Tendercrisp bacon chedar ranch sandwich commercial, it was the pinnacle of fast food advertising.

Umm Carl. First off, I think he prefers the name Darius Rucker, and also, agree to disagree on that one.

That said I…

[Outro Segment begins. “Midnight Coffee Lofi Relax” plays]

[Whirling sound]

Oh great.

Listeners, it’s the Hot dog Man, and he’s still wearing his ban school lunches sandwich board sign.

Hey, uh, you know, you’re not allowed to ride a hoverboard in here Hot dog Man.

Listeners, the hot dog man says he’s here to take our order, and also we forgot this large burlap sack full of listener questions.

Well you know what Hot dog Man? You can keep your burlap sack of mustard stained vitriol because I’m taking my friends here to Rhonda’s. And you Hot dog man, can take yourself right to hell.

Oh, and PS. I will never vote to ban school lunches because I am not a monster! You need to work on yourself!

Listeners, I’m Phil Liota of the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism and together with my PA Paul and our good friend Carl, we wish you a great night.

Now c’mon guys, let’s go get some seitan – My treat.

[Paul starts playing Zorro music unironically to celebrate]

Show Notes

Episode Script: Ruu McKinney

Voice Acting

Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney

Mayor Brimley: Ruu McKinney

Music

Introduction (0:00)

“Laudromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction

Happenings in the Hollow (1:32)

“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_Music

Local Community Spotlight A (4:01)

“Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe Music” by Denis Pavlov

Local Sponsor Message (8:06)

“Breakfast” byMinihouseracecodofficial

Local Community Spotlight B(10:57)

“Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe Music” by Denis Pavlov

Outro (16:53)

“Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe Music” by Denis Pavlov

Craig’s List Episode Transcript

[Introduction Segment begins. “LaudroMat Lofi Chill” plays.]

Hello Listeners, and greetings from Evenfall Hollow!

I’m your host Phil, and with me are the rest of the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism crew, including my PA Paul, our office cat Muffin… and Marty…

What’s that Paul?

Ugh fine, fine. Our corporate overlord and all around footloose style fun-police, Marty.

Better?

Nope. Not reading the card Marty.

So if you’re new to the show, we are the man in the sunglasses and tight white shirt that comes over and sprinkles your life with a little pinch of Evenfall Hollow flavor.

Nope Paul. It’s keto friendly, and low in sodium… Well I mean it could be lower, but Marty’s here.

Yeah, yeah, I know he’s holding up another index card. I just, I don’t care.

You see listeners, I had yet another sleep paralysis nightmare about the Jamba Juice guy, and so I’m going on hmm… You know what? I don’t know how many nights it’s been without a full night’s sleep, and the end result is that I give zero *censor beep*

[Starts to snore]

I’m up and raring to go!

Uh… Umm, let’s get started on whats happening in the hollow!

Uh, Muffin, can you grab me another espresso?

[Happening in the Hollow segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” Plays]

Happening in the hollow today… Uh…

Oh.

Well I’m afraid today’s happening in the hollow is a bit grim listeners.

We have a report that beloved resident Susan Parquet has passed away this morning. We’re just going to take a moment of silence for Susan before we continue.

[Background music pauses]

And take off your hat Marty. It’s rude.

[Background Music resumes]

According to eyewitness reports, Susan was awaiting a doordash delivery when the delivery driver, the guy we all know as the hot dog man, arrived with her order. Apparently Susan had ordered a Croque Monsieur from local bistro Better off Bread, but when she opened her takeout container, one suspiciously hidden inside a Burger king bag, it contained not a sandwich, but instead, a king Cobra. And it was wearing a tiny hat.

No Paul, no idea where it got the hat.

Yeah still way better than my last whopper.

Witnesses report that the cobra bit Susan Parquet on the hand as she was attempting to tip her delivery driver, and then broke free from it’s burger king scented shackles. From there, and in an unexpected turn of events, the cobra proceeded to chase the Hotdog man, who subsequently crashed his hoverboard into a nearby mailbox.

The resulting lithium battery fire destroyed the nearby Applebees, and while the hot dog man did escape, the backside of his pants did not.

Local resident Quentin Ocasio reported that it was a chaotic scene full of smoke, screams, and that the Hotdog man’s quote, “scalded lunchables” were all anyone could see in the chaos.

No Paul, in this context, I think lunchables means his butt cheeks. And I for one, say “Good.”

No not about Susan, about his butt.

Well the hotdog man’s a jerk.

Listeners, I am most certainly not one of the Hot dog man’s fans. And I hope he crashes and explodes his next hoverboard.

And now Marty has left.

I dunno, uh, Susan aside, this is actually shaping up to be a good day.

No Paul don’t worry, she’ll be fine tomorrow.

Trust me.

[Starts to snore]

I know things!

Uh… So uh, that’s enough of what’s happening in the Hollow today. Why don’t we move on to the Local Community Spotlight?

[Local Community spotlight segment begins. “Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe Music” plays]

So at the start of the season, we announced that the Hollow was getting a new classifieds website called “Craig’s List”, administrated by none other than Craig of Craig’s quick bite convenience store. And also, as I alluded in that same episode, it took Craig nearly three months to get the site up and running.

Now, If you’re new to the show, then I’ll just go ahead and connect the dots for you.

It’s because Craig is incredibly lazy.

[Grumble]

Sitting up in his nice apartment above what used to be the Quartado. Ugh, I bet his walls just perpetually smell like coffee, and it’s all wasted on… Ahem.

So yeah Craig’s list. When we pitched this episode to our corporate overlord Marty, we talked about how it might be a fun to interact with the general public and actually answer a few of the classified help requests on the site.

We expected push back, but Marty was weirdly supportive of it.

His only stipulation, was that he gets to choose the first ad that we answer, and we have to do it. Without thoroughly thinking over the ways this could go horribly wrong for us, we eagerly agreed, because, well, we like to help out.

Now that we’re getting ready to actually check on our assignment however, I’m feeling… Trepidation.

But I maintain that this is going to be a great assignment, so Paul, Muffin, and I are going to help them out. It should be a wonderfully wholesome episode about our community helping one another.

Okay let’s see.

The post title says “Looking for Trust worthy person with an open mind to help achieve a dream.”

Well I mean that sounds nice. Uh, Let’s just give this number a call and.. Ooh it’s ringing.

Hello! Hi, I’m Phil Liota from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and I saw your ad looking for a trustworthy person with an open mind. And well, I guess I’m your huckleberry.

So, tell me, what are you looking to achieve?

mmhmm.

Okay…

Huh.

Well I…

Wait. Wait. Like… With a knife… Or what?

Okay…

Well we will see you in just a little bit…

Mmmhmm. Good bye.

[Deep Breaths]

Paul. I feel like we’ve been set up again. We really have to do this, right?

[Sighs]

No, no, I’ll tell you when we get there. It’ll be a surprise. But given that Marty selected it, maybe not that big a surprise?

Before we go though, let’s just take a look and see how much worse it could’ve been.

Let’s see. Evenfall Resident looking to clear out clutter. Large yard sale this friday, everything is 1.

Hmm. Well that’s definitely Abracadaniel, so everyone, don’t fall for it.

Uh, the next one is…

For sale: One NOT Haunted Piano. Nope. Try again Karen.

And… For sale: Herbal medication. All Natural, Organic. $60 per 3.5g. Contact Brandon. Hmm.

No Paul, it’s probably not ginko biloba.

Wait, here’s one. Wanted: Looking for film lovers. Will pay $50 to watch Melania at New hollow theatre. Ticket and snacks provided. Payment after Positive review on IMDB and rotten tomatoes.

Nope, I think the one we got is still slightly less horrible Paul.

But we’re just delaying the inevitable, so let’s get this done.

Yeah, bring your poncho Paul.

Listeners, we’ll be right back after this Local Sponsor Message.

[Local Sponsor Message segment begins. “Breakfast”plays.]

Hi. I’m Mark Zuckerberg.

You may know me from my original pet project Facebook, that I used in the old days to rate how hot the girls in our college were, in order to embarrass my ex-girlfriend.

Yep, the same Facebook your grandma shares horribly racist tweets and jokes on.

But hey, even if you don’t know who we are, we know who you are, because we track everyone, regardless of whether or not they have a facebook account. We do it through tiny tracking icons on websites, your vr headsets, your phone app, even through smart glasses. And while sifting through all the data we have about you, we noticed one particular subject keeps popping up, and we want to take a moment to address it.

I am not a robot.

I drink a bottle of soylent to start my morning, just like every other human. I have a poor put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you.

I mean, would a robot buy an 11 home compound in Palo Alto and try to create a friends-only private school for rich kids in their own backyard? Of course not.

I did that, and built a doomsday bunker on Kauai because I’ve done so much damage to the world with my blatant surveillance and endless spreading of disinformation, that it’s only a matter of time before the world is at the my doorstep with torches and guillotines.

And also, if I was a robot, why would I have to slather my entire body in zinc just to go surfing? Robots don’t sunburn.

But I’m not here to talk to you about if I’m a robot or not. I’m here to talk about our latest project here at Meta.

And that project? Ghosts.

You see, Meta just acquired a patent that would allow us to take over the accounts of facebook users after they die, in order to continue posting and chatting via AI. Basically, when you die, we take your soul. But we’re doing it for a good reason.

I mean, I have zero social skills, so you’re obviously not going to listen to what I say is cool.

If you did, the metaverse would’ve happened, and you’d be watching me doing this announcement while my metaverse avatar jumps around and slaps it’s own feet.

But you know who you might listen to? Your dead grandpa.

I know, as I say this, you’re likely boiling with rage. But what about…

[Mayor Brimley voice]

when I talk like this?

Yep. That’s exactly what I was hoping.

Now go ahead and help yourself to a nice satisfying bowl of Quaker Oat meal while I talk to you about how the world needs billionaires.

Facebook. When our userbase reaches 51% dead and our data centers use up all the fresh water, why, our headquarters will be virtually indistinguishable from hell!

And also, I am not a robot!

[Local Community Spotlight Segment begins. “Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe Music” plays]

We’re back Listeners, and we’re here with Allen Chu. Local Resident, and the poster of our Craig’s list classified ad.

So Allen, as you said on the phone, you are looking for someone to…

[Clears throat]

…Cut off, and then eat your toe.

Is there any particular reason why you feel especially compelled to do this?

Oops. No it’s fine Paul. Completely typical reaction to this situation. Uh, here’s a kleenex.

Mmhmm. So it’s a fantasy you’ve had for years, but you’ve never been able to get your foot in the door for an opportunity.

Yep. Just trying to keep the mood light. I’m glad you appreciated it.

See Paul? He likes my word play.

[Prepatory sigh]

Okay. So, I guess we need to hammer out some details here. First off what are we using? Are we going power tool, knife, umm giant scissors a mayor would use for a dollar general unveiling?

Really? No preference at all? You’d rather not think too hard about it?

Mmmhmm. Okay… Umm.

So let me just collate all this into my brain here.

This is a major fantasy, and you can’t stop thinking about it, but also when you think about it, you break into a cold sweat and become dizzy and nauseated.

No, no, that’s a completely normal reaction- its your brain telling you that this is all a horrible idea. But I think I have a way for everyone can get what they want.

Would you mind if I make a quick call?

Thank you, I’ll just be a moment.

“Hi, Helen? Yeah, it’s your biggest customer Phil. So hey, you remember that one thing you told me about when you were making brownies at 3am after you tried ambien?

Yeah, that.

Well I think your time has come.

Hey, Allen? Would you mind if I invited over another friend? And also if I snapped a quick photo? Trust me, you’re gonna love this.

Okay Helen, remember that cake you made for Armie Hammer’s birthday? We’re gonna combine that with the other thing, and we are going to kill a whole bunch of birds with 1 stone. Yep, just make sure it has an especially prominent big toe.

We’ll explain when you get here.

Yeah, baker’s choice on the other part.

Okay We’ll see you soon.

Paul, I have outdone myself. This is gonna be a great day after all.

Uh, hey Allen? Our friend will be here in just a few hours. Is there anything you’d like to do while we wait?

Oh! I’ve love to learn how to do a round house. C’mon Paul. Listener’s we’ll be right back.

[Hold music jingle]

We’re back listeners and I’m here with our new friend Allen Chu, our other great friend and show supporter Helen Akkerman, my PA Paul, and our office cat Muffin.

Now if you’re just tuning in, we were sent here to the home of Allen Chu to answer his craig’s list ad by our corporate overlord Marty.

Allen you see, has a secret fantasy of having someone cut off his toe, and then cook and eat it.

Don’t be embarrassed Allen. Everyone has crazy fantasies from time to time.

Now while Muffin was game from the get go, Paul and I were a little bit less enthusiastic. But then we came up with an idea.

Enter Helen Akkerman.

You see, Helen, has had a personal fantasy about making anatomically correct erotic cakes and then eating them in public.

And so listeners, we have worked to bridge these two fantasies together in order to create a way that everyone can get what they need, without you know, blood loss, hospitals, and recurring nightmares for the rest of my life.

You can unveil it whenever you’re ready Helen.

Okay Listeners, I… Oh! Whoa! It looks exactly like Allen!

But hey, not throwing any shade or anything, but I asked for the the big toe to be especially prominent, not the…

Oh you did. Okay then.

So Allen, if you’re ready, we can get started. I want you to come over here and stare right at that giant toe. Yeah That’s kind of blocking things. Maybe shift to the side a bit? There we go.

Okay, if everyone has their plates and party hats ready, I’m gonna go ahead and cut.

Now, listeners, because Helen doesn’t do anything half way, this anatomically correct cake is filled with a semi-set raspberry jello. So when I cut into this delicious cake like so, it actually looks like it’s bleeding. Go ahead and moan or scream Allen, make it yours.

Okay, we got the toe cut off, and now I’m going to just pop this toe shaped piece of cake in my mouth like so… And…

Oh Helen.

[Groans of enjoyment]

Listeners, this is quite possibly the lightest, most airy Lemon raspberry chiffon cake I have ever had. It looks like Allen, tastes like a summer picnic.

How are you doing Allen?

Listeners, Allen is smoking a cigarette and looking very relaxed.

Muffin is helping herself to the face, which frankly just proves my past suspicions correct, and Helen is… Wow that’s a… That’s lot of cake Helen.

Uh, Helen has found her slice. Well, I guess I’ll go ahead and cut a slice for Paul when he gets back. What do you think? Elbow?

[Outro Segment Begins. “ Light Bossa Nova Jazz Seaside Cafe Music” continues to play]

So listeners, while we’re eating delicious cake, I think it’s important to highlight that in general, people are weird. We have weird thoughts, we have weird beliefs, and apparently we also have weird fantasies. And all of that is healthy and normal. Except when you actually eat people. Don’t do that.

Seriously I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say that…

But that part aside, as long as everyone consents, nobody is hurt, and everything is above board, then I say, go nuts. Because the truth of life is, that everyone is crazy and weird in their own way. The key to life then, is simply finding people whose crazy matches yours. And when you do, well listeners, that’s when the magic happens.

This is Phil, Paul, and Muffin from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, along with longtime friend Helen Akkerman and our new friend Allen Chu, reminding you to be yourself, stay weird, don’t eat people, and have a good night.

©2023-2026 Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney. All Rights Reserved.

Show Notes

Episode Script: Ruu McKinney

Voice Acting

Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney

Music

Introduction

“Laudromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction

Happenings in the Hollow (2:10)

“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_Music

“Horror orchestral background music for video” by music_for_video

Local Community Spotlight A (7:40)

“Mysterious Forest” by random-cat

Local Sponsor Message (11:20)

“Diablo” by DJPuls128

Local Community Spotlight A (14:34)

Outro (19:55)

“City Funk” By Alana Jordan

Night Terrors Episode Transcript

[Introduction segment begins. “Laundromat Lofi Chill” Plays]

Hello Listeners, and greetings from Evenfall Hollow.

I’m Phil from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and with me are my PA Paul, and our office cat Muffin.

That’s right listeners. It’s just the original crew again today. We’re free of our corporate overlord and his sweet, but infuriating orange menace. It’s kinda nice, isn’t it?

actually, I sort of miss the little guy.

But anyways, we’re here to give you a little taste of the hollow to pique your interest, in a completely “not like a drug dealer” kind of way.

We just want to show you all the great reasons to come visit, because we have a great little town here. It’s not a gateway to anything.

On a side note Paul, do you remember those old DARE presentations they used to do?

Yeah.

Well you know, I’ve been around… Hmm. I don’t know exactly how long, but it’s been a minute, and I’ve yet to have anyone come up to me off the street and offer me free drugs. Just an observation.

No… no fentanyl jolly ranchers or edibles in my trick or treat bucket either paul.

Well anyways… Wait. Is Muffin Asleep? Aww. She’s so cute. I wish you could all this listeners.

Oh, that’s a great idea Paul. And I can use all the knowledge I’ve gained from my late night documentaries to help paint the picture. I’ll talk a bit more about that in the next segment.

Now, Imagine a tortoise shell tabby built just like the Pantheon.

Yeah Paul exactly. Angular and majestic, with a great rotunda in the back.

Yes Paul, and old enough that the bricks of that rotunda were likely sourced under emperor Hadrean himself.

Uh-oh. She’s awake. Muffin No!

[Sounds of cat attacking]

Don’t just sit there and fiddle Paul, save me!

[Sounds of crashing]

My apologies listeners. We’ll be right back to see what’s happening in the hollow, right after we stop the bleeding.

[Happening in the Hollow Segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” Plays]

Happening in the Hollow today, it seems like several members of our community, including yours truly have been suffering from persistent, debilitating nightmares. As a result, the vast majority of the hollow seems to be severely sleep deprived, and extra grumpy.

Personally, I’ve just sort of well, I’ve largely stopped sleeping – And that’s where the documentaries come into play.

Yep. Stayed up late watching a documentary on Rome last night. Muffin too, so I don’t know why she’s so bent out of shape

And with the whole Quartado Doordash thing, I’ve had to take matters into my own hands to stay functional.

Yeah. I’ve taken to roasting my own coffee at home to cope, and I must say, it’s working out pretty well, all things considered.

Yeah. I’ve had 7 cups already. Oh and I have an amazing dry process Ethiopian bean I roasted yesterday that you really have to try Paul.

But where was I? Ah community nightmares.

So, Pastor Glanville reported awakening in a cold sweat after being chased by a giant, sentient, and man-eating pickle, only to go back to sleep and dream that Arby’s only sold broccoli.

No Paul, he was very shaken by it. I came out to get my mail this morning and saw him through his window in a rocking chair, cradling a ham.

Brandon of Brandon’s Fuel and Small engine likewise had a nightmare that fox news was cancelled and he didn’t have anything to watch.

No, that doesn’t really sound that bad. Kind of good actually?

What about you Paul?

Really? Well that’s good. I’m glad at least one of us is getting some sleep.

Me?

Really? You want to hear about them? I mean, okay.

[“Horror orchestral background music for video” begins to play]

So has anyone ever had sleep paralysis?

It’s where you aren’t quite awake enough to be aware, and yet, you’re asleep just enough that your body can’t move. When they happen, people often report shadow people and the feeling of being held down by something.

It’s pretty scary.

So anyways, I’m laying there in the dark and all of a sudden, I see movement in the corner of my bedroom. It started out as a nebular mass of darkness, but slowly started to stretch out its unusually long arms and legs in this weird sort of upward melting along the wall.

I don’t know Paul. Maybe it had sciatica.

So I’m looking right at the figure as it’s doing this, but I can’t speak, and I can’t move. And then out of nowhere, a german female cover of Ed Sherran’s “The shape of you” started playing in the background.

Yeah. After it finally unfolded itself, it started to move towards me, but not in a walk, or even a shuffle. It just sort of teetered in a standing position, and then the next thing I know, it’s maybe an inch closer. And so on.

Now, I don’t know how long the whole thing took, but eventually, the dark figure is standing right beside my bed. With each one of my shaky breaths, it leaned in just a little lower until it was level with my face.

Now I can’t quite remember seeing any facial features, but it seemed to bring its lips or lip adjacent region right next to my ear. And after a few moments of silence I hear this scratchy voice, like dragging a piece of glass along a rough gravel.

[Horror Music suddenly stops]

Are you alright Paul? You look a little pale.

Oh no, no. The voice didn’t say anything sinister. It just said “Hey Man, wanna go get a Jamba juice?” and next thing I know, it’s gone.

[“Dynamic Flow” plays]

Oh and I also had a nightmare that we were running through a giant office building looking for a way out as Kylo Ren from Star wars kept grabbing our feet.

Anyways, there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for all of these nightmares. Some people are getting them, and some aren’t.

They even seem to be happening to Gary.

Yeah I saw him outside of his spin class just looking haggard as he quietly ate a Banana Moon pie.

Well, it’s his cheat snack Paul. He’s full vegan, except for Banana Moon pies. He’s tried, but he just can’t quit them. He usually only breaks them out on particularly stressful days, but this morning, he was just sitting against the wall in the hallway, just completely surrounded by wrappers.

I said good morning and asked if there was anything I could do, but he just quietly thanked me and went back to staring into space.

Yeah, my eyes barely bled. I… I don’t like seeing him like that.

So listeners, if you’re currently having debilitating nightmares, know that we’re right there with you, and we’re on the case. Or we will be, once we transition over to our local community spotlight segment.

That’s right Paul. We’re saving the hollow.

Ugh fine Paul. We’re off to marginally improve the quality of life for the average resident of the hollow.

You know, a little hyperbole is okay now and then Paul, geez.

Only someone that hasn’t had sleep issues could be so flippant. Well let’s move on to the Local community spotlight then, and umm, maybe I’ll change your mind.

[Local Community Spotlight segment begins. “mysterious Forest” plays.]

So to start out our Local community spotlight segment, we are going to present this succulent rotisserie chicken to Muffin, because she is such a valuable member of the staff and a ray of sunshine in all of our lives. We’re just gonna sit this down on the table Muffin, and you just have a nice lunch. We’ll be back in just a few minutes.

[door opens and closes]

Okay that should occupy Muffin for a bit.

So listeners, you may be wondering why we just baited our coworker with a chicken and then made a run for it. Simply put, I’m not entirely sure we can trust her.

If you missed out on our epic Starsky and Hutch style investigation last episode, we came away with a small, but intriguing bit of information, in the form of an invoice for an address nobody had ever heard of.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but for us and our close knit community, that’s not generally a thing. Also, from what we can tell, this mysterious address seems to be located in the mountains outside town.

Again, that may not seem like a big deal to you, but here in the hollow, we mostly avoid the forests and mountains. I mean there are the disembodied whispers, curses, there’s the dark eyed “children”, that majestic stew scented goliath. wild dogs… Basically, if it’s bitey, angry, or a souless creature from the abyss, you’ll find it in the forest.

And that’s exactly where we’re headed.

Wait. Why are you handing me the boom Paul?

We’ll be okay. I was lost in the woods for like 3 days, and I am perfectly fine. Besides, the community would do it for us.

Well no, I don’t see anyone else… So you might be correct on that point, but I can’t let that stop me, Paul. I mean, it doesn’t stop me from putting my shopping cart back. I can only be responsible for my own actions, not everyone else’s. It’s the little things that matter Paul – The hard choices you make not because of consequence, but because they’re the right choice.

No, I’m not trying to be preachy paul.

It’s just that not all heroes wear capes. And some people who do, have a skin condition and we need to be careful not to make assumptions or judgments about them. Again, if you’re listening Josh, I can’t apologize enough.

So are you hyped up now Paul?

Is that a shaky rip on your vape because you’re brimming with confidence and fearlessness? I’m going to pretend it is.

So listeners, we have reached the edge of the road, and are now looking off into the distance at a vaguely marked trail that proceeds up a very steep embankment, and up on the ridge that overlooks Old Hollow. If our hunch is correct, what we’re searching for will be up there. If we’re not correct, well at least I’ll hit my 10,000 steps.

[Leaves and gravel crunching under foot]

Hmm. You know, I don’t hear any whispers Listeners. I don’t feel any hungry gazes… I dare say it’s rather peaceful. I mean if you take a nice deep breath, you can smell the sweet, almost cloying smell of… Blue Raspberry?

Paul you need to pace yourself.

What do you mean you need a break?

[Sigh]

Listeners, Paul is going to catch his breath for a moment, so we’re going to go to a message from our local sponsors, and we’ll be back in eh just a minute.

What’s that Paul?

Okay, maybe 5 minutes.

[Local Community Sponsor Message Segment begins. “Diablo” plays]

8000rpm flashes across the tach as you push in the clutch, and pull the shifter into 4th gear. As you jump back on the accelerator, there is a momentary hiss, followed by a rumble of air as it surges forward into dual ceramic compressor wheels. Once cool, dense ocean air is compressed and mixed with fuel as it is forced through individual throttle bodies with the sound of ripping cloth.

Valves open momentarily, and then snap shut faster than the eye can track, trapping the mixture in its cell as it is squeezed even harder by the forged steel piston that rushes up to meet it. From there, it takes but a single spark. And from that spark, arises an white hot sphere that quickly unveils its wings like a phoenix, and the flame front expands outward, chasing the pistons as they rush back down the cylinder.

Connecting rods move in hurried arcs as they rotate on each crankshaft bearing, and the straight cut gears of the transmission emit a high pitched whine. The slight smell of rubber wafts up from four tires in unison, and the world begins to smear and liquify in your vision.

The sherbet orange of the overhead street lights melts across the horizon, and road reflectors glint and blur as you streak past.

Tail lights dance like hot embers ahead. Purple tinted headlights bob behind you. As the road curves right, the tires chirp and grumble. The rear slides slightly before the electronic differential catches it, turning the sideways slip into ferocious forward motion.

Another shift. Another Hiss.

Sweat begins to collect along your brow.

Another sharp curve. You stomp on the break with your heel, and rhythmically blip the accelerator as you shift back down to 4th, then 3rd, then 2nd. Pressure builds in your eyes as you quickly decelerate and the brake rotors cast a dull glow on the asphalt as they fill the cabin with the tangy, acrid aroma or cera-metallic brake pad.

A moment to let the weight transfer to the front tires before you begin to steer into the curve. As the rear settles, you roll back on to the throttle, finally pressing it to the floor as your head snaps back and your vision swims once more.

Through the gears once again. Each shift a solid rifle bolt clunk as it slides in. The suspension soaks up the imperfections of the road, leaving only mechanical noise and the sound of the road surface that resonates through the cabin.

You brace against the steering wheel as your harness cuts into your shoulder and chest. A howl from the tires, a screech from the brakes, and when you finally come to a halt, the burble and grumble of the exhaust joins in with the pop and clink of cooling metal.

You turn off the ignition and fumble with your harness before you practically spill out of the driver’s side door.

But you’re too late. Oh god… You’re too… Late…

Sizzler.

What happens after you leave is your business.

[Local Community Spotlight Segment returns. “Mysterious Forest” plays]

[Sounds of footsteps in gravel]

We’re back listeners, and we are nearing the top of the trail. What is notable so far, is that we have not seen a single… Well, anything.

I figured by this point, I would’ve had to beat at least a couple of Chupa-sanders with this rolled up “70’s summer camp counselor” fashion catalog, but alas, we’ve been haunted by colorfully striped tube socks and permed mullets for nothing. Aside from a faint, almost imperceptible tapping or clicking sound, it’s just been a nice peaceful nature walk.

[Sounds of howling winds fade in]

Well for me.

Paul is… Having a slightly harder time.

We have now reached the crest, and we are now walking… Oh quick Paul, get behind the bush!

Well if you got me a hat with that on it, I could just point Paul, so it’s actually a really good idea, despite your snark!

Listeners, we have come upon a strange complex up on the mountain ridge here. There is a very large Cellular data tower, a corrugated metal shack about the size of a Burger King… And a Burger King.

No Paul, we’ll just eat one of the Snickers we brought. We’re not monsters.

I don’t see anyone around, and the coast appears to be clear, so we’re just gonna inch closer and see if we can’t get a peak inside.

As you can hear listeners, the tapping sound has become quite noticeable as we approach.

[Sounds of typing in the background]

There is a single steel door at the far end of the building and no windows. Around the complex is just dense forest, and beyond that, a thick mist.

Are you ready Paul?

[Door opens typing sounds are momentarily louder]

Nope. Nope.

[Door closes.]

I know Paul. Just give me a moment.

[Deep breaths]

[Door opens. Clicking is very loud, joined with the hoarse whispers of dark eyed children]

[Whispered]

Listeners, from what I can tell, the interior of the building is just full of smartphones, all set up in big metal trays with an absolute kraken of cables and wiring connecting everything together and linking them to dozens of small cubicles.

No Paul, It’s less the cubicles that scare me, and more the fact that each one is currently occupied by a “Dark eyed Child”.

It’s just a cacophony of keyboards and gnashing teeth. And also, it smells like whoppers.

Now I can’t quite see everything from here, but it appears they are all…

What’s the word Paul?

Ah thank you.

It appears the Dark eyed children are all “shitposting” on social media.

Listeners, I think we have stumbled upon some kind of Troll farm. We can’t tell exactly what they’re posting from here, and we also can’t get any closer.

I’d love some binoculars, but well… I left them at the Applebees.

I’m sorry Paul. I’ll replace them.

Wait. Shh.

I hear something.

[Door closes, typing sounds quiet]

[Whirling sound]

It’s hoverboards. Quick, umm back to the forest!

[Running sounds]

I don’t think we were spotted. But that is most definitely Marty, Abracadaniel, and the Hotdog Man. What are they doing here? And why are they being so secretive?

What is it Paul?

Well you tapped me on the shoulder.

What do you mean you didn’t? But… That would mean…

[Very nervous]

Paul. Put on your Poncho.

[Deep breath]

Okay, umm… I’m going to turn now listeners. If I am brutally murdered shortly after, know that it has been an honor to inform you about our wonderful town. I’m gonna make my stand Paul, and when I do, I want you to run. Run and tell my story. And maybe get a taco, cause I could really go for mexican right now.

Yes Paul, even posthumously.

On 3.

1.

2.

David Hasselhoff!!!

huh?

Oh. Phew.

It’s just a Jamba Juice. We’re fine.

Wait.

Forget what I said about my taking a stand Paul. Run!

[Sounds of frantic running and heavy breathing]

[Catching breath]

Okay, okay, I think we’re good.

Uh Listeners, aside from some scrapes and bruises, we appear to be okay. We don’t appear to have been followed, and I think we’re good. Also, I didn’t get charged for the Jamba Juice.

Well it was a large Paul. it’s like $40, and I’m not a Kardashian.

Okay…

[Outro Segment begins. “City Funk” Plays]

So while I don’t know if we solved the issue of the community nightmares, we have definitely uncovered something sinister. The question is…

Oh! Uhh Umm…

Hi Muffin.

We were just umm… Yeah we were vaping. Okay my turn Paul.

[Frantic coughing, out of breath]

Oh god, it tastes like balloon animals and minute maid punch.

I mean umm. Mmm. Smooth.

Umm, anyways listeners. I’m Phil from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and along with me is my PA Paul and our office cat Muffin, and we wish you a good night.

Show Notes

Episode Script: Ruu McKinney

Voice Acting

Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney

Fry: Fry

Music

Introduction:

“Laudromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction

Happenings in the Hollow:

“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_Music

Local Community Spotlight:

“Get down to the groove” by Oleksii Holubiev

“Left Foot Blues” by ProgressiveTape

Local Sponsor Message:

“Medical Doctor Clinic Background Music” by Inplusmusic

Progressive Episode Transcript

[Introduction Segment begins. “Laundromat Lofi Chill” plays.]

Hello listeners, and greetings from Evenfall Hollow. I’m your host Phil, and with me are my PA Paul, and our office Cat Muffin… And Marty’s new cat… Fry.

[Fry Trills and meows, Muffin Hisses]

Calm down Muffin. It’s just a temporary thing.

So, Marty popped in just before the show with a cat carrier listeners, and inside… Well, inside was a whole lot of orange that goes by the name Fry.

[Fry Meows]

We said our hellos because we try to be friendly here in the office, but when we went to ask exactly why he was here… Well, Marty was gone. So I guess we have another guest for this episode.

[Fry meows and trills]

A noisy guest.

So anyways, we’re all here on behalf of the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and our job is to give you a little tasting spoon worth of flavor from our little town here.

[Fry Meows]

With any luck, you’ll start to crave more, and finally, you’ll give in, and come visit.

I do not sound like a crack dealer Paul.

Well.

Okay we’ll rework that line in post. We can do that, right?

But now that you all know who we are and what we do, why not check out whats happening in the hollow?

[Happening in the Hollow segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays.]

A lot is happening in the hollow today listeners.

[Fry Meows]

First off, we have an Aldi’s!

And let me just say, I am just over the moon at the thought of not having to visit the krogar any more.

[Fry Meows]

You know they had a deal the other day on potato chips Paul?

Yeah, it was buy 3, get the antidote.

No… No savings on price. Just the antidote.

No… No idea what the antidote was for.

Either way, I said no thank you. And also you needed to have the App. And the woman at the self checkout was very snippy about the whole thing.

But back to the whole Aldi’s news, because nobody enjoys talking about the Krogar.

So Aldi’s does shopping carts a little differently. Instead of just relying on the good will of its customers to ensure your shopping cart is returned, Aldi’s makes you use a quarter to unlock it, and then you get your quarter back once you return it to the corral.

Yeah Paul, the thing that Tucker Carlson was all worked up about in Russia, even though we’ve had Aldi’s in the US since uhh… 1979?

Yeah Paul, they’ve done it this way for years. It’s not anything new.

And on a related note, did you know they sell little “Shopping cart quarter” keychain things online for between $5 and $15 dollars?

No, I don’t understand it either Paul. Last I checked, a quarter only costs 25 cents. And also, the Aldi’s staff will just give you a quarter if you ask.

Well anyways, I was going to grab a cart when a woman left hers just sitting in front of the door with the quarter still in it. So when I was done shopping, I figured I’d pay it forward as well and give my cart to someone going into the store.

So as I’m walking back to the store with my cart, I passed an elderly gentleman dressed like a cowboy who just had this incredibly sad frown.

[Fry Meows and trills]

He didn’t have a quarter Paul.

No, I don’t know why he was dressed like that Paul. Maybe he likes cowboys. Or he does children’s parties… Or is from Texas? I’m not Kreskin.

Anyhow, I offered him my cart and he was so happy, that he did this little jump and clicked his heels together.

But he was old, it was unusually cold, and the ground was very slippery… And…

Well, long story short, I now have a debilitating fear of dancing.

No Paul. He died. I mean it was so cold and… Well, you know how they make hard candy on your unwrapped show? And sometimes they drop some and it just kind of shatters?

It was like that.

[Shudders]

Oh god… Ugh… I’m seeing it again in my head…

[Sips coffee nervously]

Ah that’s so much better.

[Fry Meows]

So how was your weekend Paul?

What?

No, I still love singing, I just can’t do, or watch any dancing.

Well, no Paul, the Bonecruncher’s dancing is different. It’s not a dance per se. it’s the existential sublimate of life itself. And nobody ever died at an Aldi’s from that Paul.

No, that was a Buffalo Wild Wings.

So listeners, in summary, Evenfall Hollow now has an Aldi’s, and if you go there, make sure not to dance, and also make sure to grab a bag of the dark chocolate gingerbread hearts.

They are life changing.

So, do you think Marty is coming back anytime soon?

[Fry Meows and trills]

I mean, we’re supposed to head over to Obscuritas again in around 20 minutes for our rescheduled interview, but if Marty doesn’t come back soon, well I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with this cat.

[Muffin hisses again]

Muffin, I already told you once. The trash compactor is not for guests.

[Muffin growls as she tries to drag his carrier to the trash compactor]

Stop trying to drag his carrier in that direction please.

Uh… Listeners, we’re going to do a bit of creative logistical work in the background here, and we’ll be back in just a few moments.

[Fry Meows]

[Local Community Spotlight segment begins. “Get down to the Groove” plays.]

[Fry Meows and trills]

Well I’m sorry Fry, we don’t have anything else we can do! We fed you, gave you a bath after the horrors you inflicted on the inside of your carrier. We brushed you. We got you a catnip toy. We even fed you again, BUT YOU STILL WON”T SHUT UP!

What’s that Paul?

Oh! My apologies listeners.

So Marty did NOT show up to pick up his cat, and it looks like we’re more or less forced to bring our new ginger friend along for our local community spotlight segment. Now hopefully Felicia won’t mind too much. I mean so long as Fry and Muffin don’t…

[Fry Meows]

Wait. Where did Muffin go?

Well I… Hmm. Hey Paul, is it just me, or has Muffin become incredibly scarce lately? I mean we haven’t done an “On the streets with Muffin” segment in ages, and now she’s apparently not even following us for interviews. It’s like she doesn’t…

Wait. Wait.

Paul, Look over there.

No, not at the vape store Paul. Behind it. Yeah. I’d know those RGB lights anywhere. Quick, behind the bush.

[Music stops suddenly]

[Fry meows as electric hoverboards approach and disappear in the distance]

SHHHH!.

[Fry Yowls again]

So listeners, we have just spotted the Hot dog Man and Abracadaniel riding their hoverboards down the road. Now that in itself isn’t anything out of the ordinary. What is out of the ordinary however, is that it appears Marty has a hoverboard as well. And…

[Sounds of two more hoverboards approaching and passing]

What the…

Is that Muffin? When did she get a hoverboard? She can barely get off the couch without falling down.

[Sigh]

You know what we have to do Paul. Get out the disguises.

[“Left Foot Blues” begins to play]

What do you mean all you have is fake mustaches? Ugh fine.

Now listeners, if this were a detective movie, one of us, probably Paul, would reach out of the car window and place a light and siren on the roof. This would of course be after I gracefully slid across the hood.

Paul, that was one time. It worked fine all the other times.

But listeners, we don’t have a car with us, so instead,

[Fry Meows]

we just have a loud cat in a carrier that sounds like a siren, and Paul has those mirrored Cop glasses.

2/3 is fine Paul.

Wait wait wait. We also have giant mustaches too, so I’m gonna call it 3/3. Trust us listeners. Its like the Beastie Boys Sabotage video out here. We look legit.

So they appear to be gathering at the IHOP/Applebees over in New Hollow. So we’re going to wait a moment, and then we’re going to nonchalantly sneak in and see what they’re up to.

Paul stop hitting that vape. We’re in undercover mode. We can’t stroll in smelling like cotton candy, or our cover is blown!

[Door opens]

[Phil in a fake voice] Umm two please. And a booster seat for the umm small child. Thank you.

[Fry Meows]

Okay listeners, with my fake voice, I don’t think the server recognized us, so we’ve just gonna settle in to this corner booth on the other side of the room from Marty’s group, and I will now use my skills in lip reading to figure out what exactly they’re talking about.

So if I’m correct, the whole party has ordered the O-M-Cheeseburgers. Phew I’m scared Paul. The last time Muffin had that much cheese, I had to change apartments.

Oh umm hi! Umm, Paul? The chicken and the shrimp? Okay. Uh, yeah, Paul there is going to have the bourbon street chicken and shrimp, and I will just have an order of your apple cheesecake chimimchangas.

[Fry Meows]

Oh, and a uh… One of your riblet appetizers for the table please. Yep. That’s it, thank you.

Okay let’s see here.

So I can’t really read the Hot Dog man’s lips because… well… The whole no face thing. And both Abracadaniel and Marty speak with index cards…

Ugh my powers are useless Paul! I’m sorry, I’ve failed you. Let me just flag down the waitress and I’ll get a steak knife to offer you my little finger as recompense.

Oh. No, binoculars. Yeah that might work. Let’s try those first. Good plan.

Marty is holding up a card to Abradaniel. It says “You got the stuff?”

Abracadaniel has just held up a card of his own that reads “I do. Things are already in motion.”

Marty has nodded and replied with “We’ll bring it all to the site tomorrow.”

What are they talking about? What is in motion? What site?

[Fry trills]

Oh their food is here already.

No paul. It looks like a lunchables cheese burger cut in half and smeared in a pool of melted kraft singles. You didn’t miss anything. Wait.

Since when do you have an interest in dumpster cuisine?

Wait, hold on, I think Muffin has spotted us. Wait. No I think she fell asleep. Wait. She farted herself awake and she’s now back to eating her burger. We’re still good.

Oh now our food is here. I… Huh.

[Music Stops]

Now you know I enjoy a good chicken and shrimp as much as anyone Paul, but yours is less Bourbon street, and more dropped on the street while drinking bourbon.

Umm excuse me miss? Is his chicken supposed to look like that? And also, my riblets are all bones.

Well I know we’re at an Applebees. I… Oh. Okay, thank you.

[“Left foot Blues” plays]

I’m Sorry Paul. But hey, you’re welcome to some chimichanga if you’d like, just know that its a roll of the dice as to whether or not it gives you violent diarrhea. Just a heads up.

[Fry Meows]

So, listeners, we’re going to finish our “Food”, and we’ll be right back after a message from our local sponsor.

No Paul, finger quotes were very appropriate.

[Local Sponsor Segment begins. “Medical Doctor Clinic Background Music” plays.]

I’m RFK Jr. And I want to talk to you about beef.

Look around you. Did you know that everything you see, is all because of beef?

I’ve talked to several scientists, and they agree with me.

But did you know, that almost all of the ailments the modern American suffers from, can be completely cured by beef? Beef and calisthenics. And inheriting generational wealth.

Now, I may have a brain worm from eating roadkill. I may have a crippling addiction to heroin. Did you know I’ve snorted drugs off a toilet seat? But I did 10 shirtless push ups yesterday in front of a class of first graders while wearing dungarees I stole from a poor. And the teacher swore I was 25. I’m healthy. And virile.

And I did it all because of beef.

Now, you want to do stuff. And the national statistics agree.

I’ve done stuff. I cut off a dead whale’s head and took it home to eat. I once dropped a dead bear cub in central park and made it look like a bicycle accident. I was going to eat it, but I remembered my freezer was full. And now I’m here to make you all healthy.

Just like me.

I swam in an open sewer with my grandchildren last week. Could I do that if I wasn’t healthy?

And it’s all because of beef.

Now I don’t have any formal medical or scientific training. I am not a doctor, I’m a director of Health and Human Services. And what that means, is that I’m not burdened by convention or research. I am free to do my own research and follow the money. And the money says, that Beef is a vaccine against vaccines.

Except for the measles. You should all get the measles shot. And by that, I mean vaccines cause autism, which I had never seen or heard of up until last week. What? Who’s Rosemary?

So if you get the measles, drink fish oil, and take vitamin E. You can get those from the link below.

What do you mean this isn’t a youtube video?

I’m RFK Jr. and today I want to talk to you about beef?

What?

[Local Community Spotlight segment returns. “Left Foot Blues” Plays.]

We’re back listeners, and we are once again on the hunt.

[Fry trills]

Wait. No, that doesn’t feel right. With this mustache on, I feel like I should be saying things like “10-80 in progress” and and just randomly beating people of color.

Well, no Paul, we’re not actually police officers, so we can be nice to people and help them as well. But not at the moment, because it looks the hoverboard crew has just pulled up to… Oh no Paul.

It’s a Karaoke Bar!

[Fry Meows]

Well wait, since when do we have one of these?

Yes I know Paul. No singing, or they’ll be on to us immediately.

[Door opens]

I got it.

Listeners. It appears Marty and Abracadaniel has disappeared into a back room, while Muffin and the Hot dog Man have found seats in the middle row. So we’re just going to sneak into the back here and see what’s going on.

So, Paul has just come back from paying our cover fee and he has a grave expression on his face.

Why the long face Paul?

Uh huh.

Oh no.

[Fry Meows]

Listeners, apparently in this Karaoke bar, for each round, a random patron is selected to sing. There is no option to decline, and if you refuse, they will surely destroy you, and everything you hold dear.

What’s that Paul?

Oh. Oh. Okay. Paul says if you refuse, you have to buy the previous singer a drink.

Well I mean, that’s a lot less dire I guess. Well what if you don’t have any money?

Ah. That’s when they destroy you.

Oh. Paul says you’re banned from coming back for a month.

Well I mean, that’s the same thing, isn’t it?

[Fry Meows]

So Muffin and the Hotdog man are seemingly enjoying the show, but I still don’t see any sign of Marty and Abracadaniel. So long as we can just…

Uh oh.

[Music Stops]

[Hushed voice]

So listeners, it appears I have just been selected as the next performer.

What do I do Paul? I. Wait. Wait. Wait. I’ve got it.

Okay, let’s see the song catalog.

[MIDI remake of The Beastie Boys “Sabotage” plays]

There we go. Okay, let’s do this.

[William Shattner off rhythm, spoken word style]

I can’t stand it.

[Fry Yowls]

Shhh.

I know,

you planned it.

I’m a..

Set it straight.

This,

Watergate.

I can’t stand rocking,

when I’m in here

[Fry Yowls]

Cause your

Crystal Ball,

Ain’t so,

Crystal Clear.

So while you sit back.

[Sounds of a bottle being tossed in Phil’s direction and shattering]

Umm. sir. There is no need for that. We’re all just here to have fun.

Oh, my god.

It’s a mirage.

And I’m telling y’all…

[Sounds of two more bottles being tossed at Phil and shattering]

It’s…

Fine sir. I’m stopping. But let me just say, when it’s your turn, you’d better be Pavaroti!

[“Left Foot Blues” plays]

Listeners I’m back. Well, my body is back. My heart is still over on the stage, along with Fry’s carrier. Oops,

[Fry Meows]

I’d better go back and… Hey.

Paul, where did Muffin and the Hot dog Man go?

Hold on, I’m going to check outside.

[Door opens]

Ugh. They’re gone Paul. I don’t see their hoverboards anywhere.

Do you think they saw through my disguise?

Well listeners, it seems we’re left empty handed today. I guess we can take off our disguises Paul.

What do you mean you kind of like it. Well whatever, I guess looking at it, it does make you look very dignified.

Of course we can stop and get you a monocle and a top hat on the way back to the office, Paul. I support whatever you need to feel like yourself.

[Fry Meows]

Wait, hold on a sec. Whats that on the ground. It looks like a receipt from a Verizon store.

Yeah see? They charged someone 35 dollars for a plastic screen protector. It has to be them. But I don’t think this was here before, and I… I don’t recognize this address.

Well listeners, maybe we aren’t so empty handed after all. We’ll look into this receipt and see if it leads to any more clues, but until then, this is Phil, Paul and.. well Fry,

[Fry Meows and trills]

wishing you a good night and one free from karaoke hecklers.