Eiffel: [under his voice] Really, she couldn’t have held on for a few more syllables?

Eiffel: Sorry Commander, didn’t mean to enjoy the majesty.

Minkowski: When I agreed to lend you the spacesuit, there was a strict “no tomfoolery” clause, remember? Now hurry up and realign the satellite dish already.

Eiffel: ... And there goes the majesty. Ten-four, Commander. Realigning now. You at the comms station?

Minkowski: I’m here. Remind me again why we’re doing this?

Eiffel: I’ve been picking up traces of signals all week long, but I haven’t been able to zero in on them. I might be able to get a clean reading if I just adjust the instruments, but I need someone with actual hands to help me calibrate. I’d ask Hilbert to do it, but he’d probably get bored and turn my consoles into a nuclear bomb, then forget to tell me about it. So that leaves you. Give that a shot.

[long static noise]

Eiffel: I actually think that made it worse. Let me try the opposite direction, see if that does anything.

Minkowski: Hurry up. You’re not exactly... trained for this.

Eiffel: Would you relax? I’ve got an air supply for the next hour and a half, and I’m tethered to the ship. And these mag-boots are keeping me superglued to the hull. It’s not as Star Trek as that jetpack thingy you use, but we’re plenty precautioned right now. Hera? Could you please reassure Commander that I’m fine?

Hera: All systems in Officer Eiffel’s suit are working nominally, and his temperature and heart rate are both within acceptable parameters.

Eiffel: ... Which means I’m fine?

Hera: Which means he’s fine.

Eiffel: [brightly] Thank you, Hera! Give that a try, Commander.

[long static noise, slowly transitioning to music: Chinese Blues by Moore and Gardner]

Eiffel: Oh, yeah! Hera, you picking this up?

Hera: Loud and clear.

Eiffel: Let’s see if we can lay down some track for this. I might finally get that mixtape started.

Minkowski: Would you quit clowning around and get back inside?

Eiffel: Please Commander, if this doesn’t call for an air guitar solo, I don’t know what does. Now hold on, let me tinker more. I might be able to get this thing to pick up HBO.

Minkowski: Eiffel.

[music stops, klaxon blares]

Hera: Attention! Radiological alert. Attention! Radiological alert.

Minkowski: Dr. Hilbert? Please tell me that’s something you’re doing.

Hilbert: Negative, Commander. Not engaged in any experimental conditions at the moment. It’s the star.

Hera: Radiation levels are rising throughout the station. Class four radiological storm imminent.

Minkowski: Eiffel, get the hell inside.

Eiffel: What’s the big deal? Been like a hundred flares since we got here. I can take a little noon-day sun.

Hilbert: The interior of the Hephaestus is strongly shielded against the effects of radiation anomalies, but the hull of the ship is open to exposure. Just the increase in solar wind from the storm will be enough to cause major fluctuations to the magnetic fields around your –

Eiffel: Okay okay, got it. Class dismissed. Hera, I’m headed back towards aft deck airlock two.

Hera: Copy that. ETA?

Eiffel: A minute to the hatch, another thirty seconds to –

[harsh static noises]

Eiffel: Um... is something going on with my suit? It sounds like I’m about to get a free round of shock therapy.

Hera: The elevated levels of radiation are causing some of your electrical systems to go offline.

Eiffel: Lovely. So what’s about to go kablooey? Navigation? Life support? Temperature regulation? Woah woah woah woah woah!

Hera: The malfunctioning system appears to be your magnetised footwear.

Eiffel: Oh really. I hadn’t noticed.

Minkowski: Are you still attached to the hull?

Eiffel: Negative, Commander. Man overboard, or whatever the space version of that is. Tether is holding, but I’m floating.

Hera: Officer Eiffel, remain –

[static noises]

Eiffel: Hera, I do not copy. Say again.

[static noises]

Eiffel: Mayday, mayday, mayday. Floating off structure. Trying to pull myself up the tether. How much time until the storm reaches our position? How bad is this thing going to be? Are we talking light showers, or cataracts and hurricanoes?

Hilbert: [through static] – our shield –

Eiffel: Do not copy, Dr. Hilbert. Say again.

Hilbert: [through static] – way to enga– any vision –

Eiffel: There’s too much interference! Again, how much time before –

[Loud explosion, followed by start of strong static and wind]

Eiffel: [screams] Oh god, my eyes! That was a bright flash – oh god.

Eiffel: Damn it. There are those rough seas I was promised. Hephaestus Station, do you copy? I am spinning. I have no control over my trajectory. Please, come in. Hephaestus? [under his breath] Come on...

Minkowski: – and meet me at the bridge, Dr. Hilbert. Officer Eiffel, do you copy?

Eiffel: Yes, now I copy.

Minkowski: What’s your condition? Are you stable?

Eiffel: Negative, Commander, everything’s Gimme Shelter out here.

Minkowski: Eiffel, none of us have time to figure out what that means. For once in your life, just speak plain English.

Eiffel: Really? Oh, a storm’s threatening, my very – Alright, fine. Things are awful out here. That plain enough? A little help would be appreciated.

[continuous warning beeps begin]

Eiffel: ...And we got a new problem! What’s going horribly wrong now?

Hera: Proximity alert. You’re on a collision vector with the aft deck solar panel. Do you see it?

Eiffel: Negative. No. No visual.

Hilbert: Upon impact, grab and hold onto panel. Only way to stabilise.

Eiffel: Impact?

Minkowski: You’re coming in fast, and you’re picking up momentum. It’s going to be bumpy.

Eiffel: Oh swell. Hera, how far am I from the panel? Can I get a countdown?

Hera: Can’t you just –

Eiffel: No, I can’t see it. I didn’t have my face shield down when the first flare hit and it blinded me. All I’m getting is white and some hazy shapes, so we’re gonna do this tag team style. Hera?

Hera: Calculating. Collision in 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[impact]

Eiffel: [groaning in pain] Ah, son of a bitch!

Minkowski: Are you back on structure?

Eiffel: Negative, Commander. I was not able to hold onto the panel.

Hera: Officer Eiffel is moving away from the Hephaestus at a speed of thirty-five miles per hour and rising.

Eiffel: Alright, if anyone has any brilliant ideas, now would be –

Minkowski: Eiffel, are you –

Eiffel: [choking] – Fine, fine, Commander – [gasp] I just got to the end of the bungee cord. I... still can’t see. I think my right arm might be dislocated now, but... I’m stable. And not moving.

[warning beeps end]

[static and wind fade out]

Eiffel: Alright, now that things are quieter, how do you guys feel about pulling a U-turn on the ol’

Winnebago and coming to pick me up?

Hilbert: Our rudimentary propulsion system’s ability to correct for the stellar mass’s gravitational cycle is –

Minkowski: We don’t have the engines for a manoeuvre like that, Eiffel. We go where the star takes us. You have to pull yourself up the tether.

Hilbert: Expediency is of paramount importance. Stellar readings indicate a high probability of continued erratic geomagnetic anomalies over the next few hours.

Eiffel: I mentioned the arm, right? And, the blindness?

Minkowski: Look. Getting through those hundred feet of tether won’t exactly be pleasant.

Eiffel: A hundred feet? Jesus Christ.

Minkowski: But you have plenty of air, so just take it slow. Grit your teeth, and get through it, one step at a time.

Hera: Yeah... actually uh, Commander, that may not be a, um, completely feasible course of action.

Eiffel: Hera?

Hera: My instruments are detecting a rapid drop in the water supply levels of your suit’s cooling system. It’s... likely that your collision against the solar panel caused a leak.

Minkowski: Hera, there’s bigger problems than that right now. He’ll survive without a cooling system.

Hera: Um... no. No no, that’s not the problem, Commander... Scans also indicate humidity level within Officer Eiffel’s suit is rapidly climbing. The water is leaking into the suit.

Eiffel: Hera?

Hera: [sigh] Given your current weightlessness, um, the amount of water in the cooling system, the volume of the occupancy space within your suit, the –

Eiffel: Hera! Bottom line!

[pause]

Hera: The bottom line is that unless there’s a change in your conditions in the next few minutes, you’re likely going to drown.

[pause]

Eiffel: Drown?

Hera: But the important thing is not to pa–

Eiffel: I’m going to drown? In outer space? What kind of sense does that even make?

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel! Maintain your composure! Remember Pryce and Carter number four: conserve your –

Eiffel: Hilbert, I may well be dying out here, but I’m not gonna have one of the last things I hear be some crap from the survival manual! I’ve had enough dramatic irony for one day, thank you!

Hilbert: Listen. You need to stop yelling. Your breathing rate is too high for your current oxygen reserves.

Eiffel: [to himself] Right right right right right. Yeah okay. Limited oxygen, gotta stay calm. Gotta stay calm, okay. No yelling. No... yelling. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Minkowski: Hera. Timeframe?

Hera: Six minutes. With luck.

Minkowski: What airlock is closest to Officer Eiffel’s current position?

Hera: Aft deck number three.

Minkowski: Begin spacewalk prep there. Hilbert. Go down to the airlock. Connect two tethers together, then attach them to the restraint. It should be enough slack for me to reach him with my propulsion unit.

Eiffel: Is that your jetpack thingy?

Minkowski: Yes, Eiffel, that’s my jetpack thingy!

Hilbert: Commander. I... cannot recommend this course of action. Risk of continued electromagnetic anomalies is still very high. This rescue mission places your life in unacceptable risk. For the greater good of the crew, I must request –

Minkowski: For the greater good of the crew, I am going to pretend that this line of thinking was never even insinuated, Doctor. Aft deck airlock. Now.

Hilbert: Aye, commander.

Minkowski: Eiffel, I’m coming to you. How are you doing?

Eiffel: Um, acceptable. I’m starting to feel the water from the leak though. Still making my way up the tether. Only... Hera?

Hera: Ninety-four feet.

Eiffel: That much to go.

Minkowski: Keep at it.

[airlock cycles]

Minkowski: Hera, I’m outside the station. What is Officer Eiffel’s approximate coordinates from my position?

Hera: Twenty-three degrees ecliptic north, seventeen degrees left to east. Four minutes of acceptable water-to-air ratio remaining.

Eiffel: [sarcastically] Thank you, Hera. Commander, can you see me?

Minkowski: Negative. No visual contact. Can you flash your work lights?

[switch clicks]

Minkowski: Still nothing. Beginning an approach trajectory towards your coordinates.

Eiffel: [slightly strained] Not to alarm anyone or anything, but [spluttering] things are getting kinda touch-and-go in here.

Minkowski: Doing what we can. Hera, distance?

Hera: Seventy feet and closing, Commander.

Minkowski: Flash your lights again.

[switch clicks]

Minkowski: Still no visual contact. Hera, can you do anything to refine –

[klaxon blares]

Hera: Attention! Radiological alert. Attention! Radiological alert. Stellar flare imminent.

Eiffel: Uh...

Hilbert: Commander! Permission to speak freely!

Minkowski: Permission denied, Doctor. Eiffel, is there anything you can do to give me a sense of – wait, flash your lights again.

[clicking of switch]

Minkowski: Got you! Beginning intercept vector... I should be at your position in a few moments.

Eiffel: [strained] Faster would be better.

Minkowski: Just be ready. I don’t exactly have brakes on this thing. Approaching. Should be at your position in... 3, 2... Damn it!

[static noise begins]

Hilbert: What? Did you get him, Commander?

Minkowski: Negative, Doctor, I was off by a few feet, I went past him. Turning around now to try to s– [through static] – be more than a few seconds. Eiffel, are you ready?

Eiffel: Wait, Commander. What? Did not copy. What are you – [coughing fit]

[long silence filled with static]

[Eiffel gasps in a deep breath and coughs]

Minkowski: Easy. Easy. Easy. It’s okay. You’re alright. You’re in Dr. Hilbert’s lab.

Eiffel: [weakly] Hilbert’s... lab?

Minkowski: Deep breaths. You’re okay, we got you. Hilbert’s relocated your arm and he says your vision should be back to normal in a few days.

Eiffel: I’m... alright?

Minkowski: Well, you’re still you, so... Eh? But you’re not in any medical danger. Although, Hilbert did have to resuscitate you. So you now qualify as undead.

Eiffel: [chuckles weakly] Ah, god damnit, don’t make me laugh. My lungs are barely holding together as it is.

Minkowski: Take it easy. Rest up. You should be alright.

Eiffel: Commander. Thank you.

Minkowski: You’re welcome. Just... promise me you won’t push your luck like that again any time soon? Like in this lifetime?

Eiffel: [coughs] Scout’s honour.

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: [sigh of relief]

Hera: Officer Eiffel?

Eiffel: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?

Hera: I’ve been keeping track of your vital signs and biological readings since Commander Minkowski brought you on board.

Eiffel: ... Because you missed me?

Hera: ... Because I missed you. [pause] I have something for you.

Eiffel: Oh?

Hera: Yes. It’s not much, but I thought it might make you feel a bit better.

[music begins and plays to the end: Chinese Blues by Moore and Gardner]

Eiffel: [chuckles] Thank you, Hera.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. And the role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Tonight’s space transmission was Chinese Blues by Moore and Gardner. Also featured on tonight’s episode was Also sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss. Wanna learn more about deep space rescue mission procedure? Visit at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

Eiffel: I swear to god. If it’s not a passing comet, it’s a solar flare. If it’s not a flare, it’s a geomagnetic storm. Now it’s an ion wind! Who knows there could be so much freaking weather without an atmosphere?

[door opening]

Minkowski: Eiffel. You locked down the solar panels this afternoon, right? I want to make sure that we’re ready for whatever this ion wind thing can throw our way.

Eiffel: Can we... ever really be... ready for anything, Commander?

Minkowski: I just want to know if we’re safe.

Eiffel: Define... safe.

Minkowski: Eiffel, come on. It’s a simple question.

Eiffel: Or... is it?

[pause]

Minkowski: Are you done now?

Eiffel: Yeah, I think it ran its course.

Minkowski: Did you have fun?

Eiffel: Eh... not really. Low hanging fruit. But yeah, I closed up the panels this morning, and double-checked to make sure they’re set about an hour ago. Hatches are battened down.

Minkowski: Oh. Good. Might just get through this without too much damage.

Eiffel: Riders on the storm, man. Riders on the storm.

[machine begins rapidly plinking]

Eiffel: Woah, haven’t heard that one in a while.

Minkowski: What is that?

Eiffel: Pulse beacon relay receptor. Basically, one way space fax. Looks like something’s coming down the pipeline from out friends over at Canaveral.

Minkowski: We’re getting a message from Command?

Eiffel: It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Whatever happened to those weekly calls from mom and dad?

Minkowski: What’s it say?

Eiffel: Decoding trans-galactic transmissions ain’t like dustin’ crops, farm girl. Give me a moment.

[machine finishes plinking and prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: Here we go, let’s see. [clears throat] “The golden rose is ready for melting. Proceed with designation alpha. Beware, five, the empty man has awoken”?

[pause]

Minkowski: What? Gimme that. Well that makes no sense. You must have transcoded it wrong.

Eiffel: Uh-uh. Well I won’t deny that’s totally something that could theoretically happen, if there’d been a transcription error, we wouldn’t be looking at words. We’d have like, I don’t know, random strings of ampersands and sevens. I don’t know what they’re playing at. This is the message Command wanted us to have.

Minkowski: But it makes no sense.

Eiffel: Uh, yeah. I’m kind of relieved we agree about that.

Minkowski: Well, can we radio them and ask for a clarification?

Eiffel: Unfortunately, the good folks at Goddard Futuristics spared every expense when they put this boat together. We only get high-speed cable vision for the incoming. We’re still on dial-up for the outgoing. We can send something, but it’ll take about two weeks to get a message back to Earth. And that’s if this ion thing doesn’t slow it down.

Minkowski: So then, what the hell are we supposed to do with this?

Eiffel: Hang on, I’ve got an idea.

[open intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Dr. Hilbert, you copy?

Hilbert: [over intercom] Loud and clear, Eiffel. What is it?

Eiffel: The words “golden rose”, or “designation alpha”, mean anything to you?

Hilbert: [over intercom] What? Why?

Eiffel: We just got a weird-ass telex from Command, we’re trying to make heads or tails of it.

Minkowski: Read him the other thing, the thing about the man.

Eiffel: Oh yeah, uh... “The empty man has awoken.” Ring any gongs?

Hilbert: [over intercom] Afraid not, Eiffel. Not entirely sure what that could be a reference to.

Eiffel: Hm, well, worth a shot.

[machine begins rapidly plinking]

Eiffel: Oh, uh, un momento, por favor, Doctor Hilberto. Looks like we’re getting another wire.

[machine finishes plinking and prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: Alright, let’s see. “The Andromedas are broken. The northern light should be reversed. Alert four. The empty man approaches.” [pause] Have like a whole bunch of drugs been made legal while we’ve been up here? Am I missing out on that?

Minkowski: Alright. Hang on. Let’s look at this thing rationally. So the first two sentences of both of those messages make completely no sense, right?

Hilbert: [over intercom] Right.

Eiffel: Right.

Minkowski: Right. But then second halves followed a pattern. It’s a warning. Then something about this, “empty man”. Whatever that is.

Eiffel: Yeah. And then there’s the numbers. Five on the first one, and four on the second one.

Hilbert: [over intercom] A countdown, maybe?

Eiffel: What happens when we run out of numbers? [pause] The empty man... cometh?

[pause]

Minkowski: Look. For the time being, we have no idea what these messages mean, so let’s not get worked up about them. If Command is trying to... warn us about something, there’s not much we can do about it just from these messages. So let’s focus on what we do know is real, like this ion cloud that we’re about to go through, alright?

Eiffel: Yeah.

Hilbert: [over intercom] Indeed.

Eiffel: Good plan.

[machine rapidly plinks, then prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: [clears throat] “The frozen pages are blank. Decide what to do with the time that is given to you. Emergency three. The empty man hungers.”

[pause]

Minkowski: On... second thought... I’m gonna inspect the armoury to make sure that all of our stores are in good working order.

Hilbert: [over intercom] And I’m going to run few security checks on our airlock perimeter.

Eiffel: Right. Yeah. Good plans. I’m just gonna... uh, hold down the fort here. I guess. Um, one second, dear listeners.

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: Hi again folks. It’s been about three hours since I turned off the recorder, and things have been pretty… quiet. Minkowski and Hilbert have been checking the station’s systems, making sure that nothing is too far out of the norm. [pause] They’ve locked up all of the airlocks, and access points, so we should be... pretty safe? Based on our… limited perception of safety.

[door opens and closes]

Minkowski: Alright, just finished our third sweep through the station, and everything is locked up tight.

Hilbert: The sensory alarm system is calibrated to its most sensitive setting. If anything other than ourselves moves throughout the station, we should know about it.

Minkowski: And, I’ve retrieved two of the handguns from the armoury, so if and when this “empty man” thing shows up, we should be ready for it.

Eiffel: Only two guns? There’s three of us.

Minkowski: Hilbert’s not a trained marksman, and I’m not putting a gun in the hand of a civilian just yet. It’s you and me, Doug.

Eiffel: Oh great. The full hoo-ah.

[ship creaks]

Eiffel: What the hell was that?

Minkowski: Easy, Eiffel. We’re hitting the worst of the ion winds. That’s our scheduled turbulence. How’re you doing, Hera?

Hera: A-Acceptable, Commander, although certain systems are beginning to show signs of strain.

Minkowski: Do your best to keep things under control. Let us know if anything goes seriously wrong.

Eiffel: Hey, on the plus side, at least we haven’t had any other messages from Command, so maybe this whole thing is just blown –

[machine begins rapidly plinking]

Hilbert: You had to say something. You had to open your mouth.

[machine finishes plinking and prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: [sighs] “The broken flower is in the vase. Don’t listen to your eyes. Danger. Two. The empty man sees you.” [pause] Okay, officially now, what the hell? What’s coming towards us? What – What is this apparently indescribable thing?

Minkowski: Don’t freak. I don’t like this any more than you do, but we’re still on a space station, eight light-years away from Earth, things can’t just show up on our doorstep.

Eiffel: You know, Commander, that would be a pretty good argument, if we didn’t have a crazy plant monster living in our air vents! Or, if we didn’t get weird whispers when we lost power! Honestly, there’s a lot of stuff that goes down around here that really shouldn’t be possible, but here we are!

Hilbert: Hera! Are there any objects or crafts on approach vector towards the Hephaestus?

Hera: ... No, Dr. Hilbert. Not... at the moment.

Minkowski: Hera? You don’t sound very confident.

Hera: Well, the ion winds are interfering with my sensory instruments, and my visibility of the airspace around the Hephaestus is down to eighty-one percent. Nothing is showing up on my sensory input, but I’m working with blind spots. [pause] However, the possibility of an object being nearby is... mathematically unlikely.

Eiffel: Mathematically unlikely? That’s the best we can do right now?

Hera: I’m sorry, I’m dealing with a rather extreme weather condition here. And a boarding party isn’t exactly something I prepped for this morning. Visibility down to fifty-six percent.

Eiffel: [sighs] This just keeps getting better and better.

[machine rapidly plinks, then prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: “There’s no way out. There’s no way out. But there is a way in. Danger. One. The empty man shall knock.”

[pause]

Eiffel and Minkowski, at once: Hera?

Hera: Still at zero sensory contact. Visibility down to thirty-seven percent.

Eiffel: Is there... anything we can do to get out of here? Can we... put the station in reverse and back out of this cloud, or something?

Minkowski: Hera’s already using all of her engine power to compensate for the ion winds. If we tried to change course now, we might end up in –

Hilbert: [whispered] Shh! Quiet! Don’t you hear that?

[distant sound of rhythmic creaking]

Eiffel: What was that?

Hilbert: Could just be side effect of the ion winds. We’re going through the worst of it now. It might be exerting enough energy on the ship to cause temperature fluctuation. It could just be metal in the ship’s hull expanding a bit.

Eiffel. There are a lot of “could”s in that explanation, Doctor.

Minkowski: [whispered] Hera. Is anything going on with our hull?

Hera: ... Not... as far as I can tell, Commander, but visibility is down to nine percent. I’m basically flying blind for the next few minutes.

[hiss of escaping air]

Hilbert: [whispered] Just the Hephaestus compensating for the weather conditions. Atmospheric regulators, parametric stabilisers, all just doing their job. It’s all regular noises in process of keeping interior of the Hephaestus warm and stable environment.

Minkowski: [whispered] Are... you... sure about that, Doctor?

Hilbert: [whispered]...No. But I like the sound of my voice better than the sounds of what’s going on out there.

[rhythmic clinking of metal]

Minkowski: [whispered] Hilbert. Thoughts?

Hilbert: [whispered] Well. That sounded like one of two things. Option one: simply the hull cooling after coming into contact with a... unusually warm pocket of gas that’s been swept up in the wake of the ion winds.

Eiffel: [whispered] What are the odds of that being the case, Doctor?

[pause]

Hilbert: [whispered] Within the realm of the possible? Barely.

[rhythmic clinking of metal]

[pause]

Minkowski: [whispered] What’s the other option?

Hilbert: [whispered] Something’s walking on the outside of the Hephaestus.

Eiffel: [whispered] Oh! It’s him! It’s definitely him!

Minkowski: [whispered] Shh! Stop that! We don’t know that, Eiffel! Listen to Dr. Hilbert, it could just be the station reacting to the ion cloud. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation here.

Eiffel: [whispered] Come on, Commander. After all the crazy wabba-jabba we’ve seen on here? And with Command breaking radio silence for the first time in months to warn us? Yes. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation! And it is that the empty, hungry thing is out there right now! About to go big, bad wolf on our straw house!

Minkowski: [whispered] Hera. There’s nothing moving inside the station aside from the three of us, right?

Hera: That’s correct, Commander.

Minkowski: [whispered] And all of the entrances to the station are still closed, right?

Hera: Rig- uh, ah, yes, sure! Probably?

Minkowski: [whispered] Probably?

Hera: I-I... I’m having some trouble connecting to aft deck airlock number three. I’m getting some low-level electromagnetic interference. Climate and pressure controls register as normal, but... I cannot confirm that the airlock has not been opened.

[machine rapidly plinks, then prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: [whispered] “Zero. The empty man is with you. Extreme danger. Zero. The empty man is with you. Extreme danger.” That’s all it says.

[long pause]

[hiss of escaping air]

[distant tapping noise]

Hera: Not to alarm you all, but my systems indicate a power fluctuation is immin – [power cuts]

Minkowski: Right!

[crew shouting over each other frantically]

Hera: Hold on, hold on! Hold on! Lights back to nominal in exactly one second!

[sound of powering up]

[machine rapidly plinks, then prints]

[paper tears]

Eiffel: Oh god damn it!

Minkowski: What?

Eiffel: You have got to be kidding me!

Hilbert: What?

Eiffel: Those sons of bitches!

Minkowski and Hilbert, at once: What?

Eiffel: [exhales angrily] “The preceding six pulse beacon relays that you’ve received, have been part of a psychological experiment. Please disregard the content of these messages. And return to regular operational activities as soon as possible. Please record, and clearly label, any unusual crew behaviour, deviation from protocol, or undue lack of decorum that resulted on account of the transmission of these messages in your daily logs. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Hera: Well. Following that, this is going to seem a lot less sexy. But I’m happy to report that we’re finally starting to move past the ion wind cluster. Visibility is returning to normal, and systems are stabilising. I can confirm that there are no outside presences, or lifeforms with any degree of nutritional insufficiency at this time.

Minkowski: Thank you, Hera.

Eiffel: Those... bastards! How dare they put us through something like that? It’s cruel! And sick! And… other adjectives! What kind of person is deranged enough to call that an experiment?

Minkowski: Relax. We’ve all had enough excitement for one evening. Come on, let’s all just take a moment to cool off, gather ourselves, and... really reflect on how horrible what was just done to us was.

Eiffel: Commander, you’re not going to just... leave things at that, are you?

Minkowski: Oh don’t worry. I think you’ll find that – what did you say it was? Two weeks? Two weeks from tomorrow, the folks at Command are going to get a fantastically worded message from the three of us. Telling them exactly what we thought of their little test. I just wouldn’t want to spoil something like that by rushing into it. I think, gentlemen, we need a proper night’s sleep to really let our anger reach its full potential.

Hilbert: I concur wholeheartedly, Commander. If you require any sentiments beyond reach of the English language, I am happy to supply alternatives in Russian, Norwegian, German, Swedish, or Afrikaans.

Eiffel: Hey kids, I’ll log it in all six.

Minkowski: Sounds good. Goodnight, Eiffel. Doctor.

Hilbert: Goodnight all.

[door opens]

Eiffel: Goodnight.

[door closes]

Eiffel: Aw hell, speaking of logs. I guess you caught all of that, so... You might be able to pick up on the effect your twisted experiment had on us. Hint. It. Was. Awful! Sorry if things got a bit... crazy for a while there, dear listeners, but... you see the kind of things we have to deal with! And I used to complain about my boss at Pizza Hut. Anyway, from the USS Hephaestus Station, this is Communications Officer Doug Eiffel, signing off. Goodnight, folks.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. And the role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. If you enjoyed tonight’s episode, please consider taking a moment to leave a review on our iTunes page. Reviews will only be used to let other people know about the show. Not as the basis for a creepy… psychological experiment! We… promise. Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

Minkowski: Eiffel, this is really… not the time.

Eiffel: [shushing noises, then clears throat] Here we see the Minkowski in a rare moment of symbiotic cooperation with one of its neighbouring species, the Creepus Maximus! Any words for posterity, Dr. Hilbert?

Hilbert: Not now, Eiffel. This is very delicate!

Eiffel: Eloquent as always, such lovely, delicate species!

Minkowski: Would it kill you to stop messing around, and give us a hand?

Eiffel: Oof, sorry Commander. But as a documentarian, I have a sacred duty to observe without perturbing the natural order of things, so, no can do. [clicks tongue] But anyway, what is this thing you’re both hauling? Some kind of tank?

Minkowski: What – What do you mean, “what is it?” It’s one of the nitrogen tanks for the station’s fuel rotation.

Eiffel: You say that like it’s supposed to mean something to me.

Minkowski: It should. You were supposed to depressurise this thing this morning.

Eiffel: Oh.

Minkowski: You do remember me asking you to do that, right?

Eiffel: …Yes.

Minkowski: And you did depressurise this tank, right?

Eiffel: …Yes?

Minkowski: Is that “…Yes?” a “Yes, I did it”, or “…Yes… I have no idea what you’re talking about but I don’t want to get in trouble”?

Eiffel: …Yes…

Minkowski: God damn it Eiffel!

Hilbert: Do you have any idea how dangerous an improperly regulated nitrogen tank can be?

Eiffel: Ah, come on, how bad can it be? This thing looks super solid. [taps on the tank] See, safe as h–

[explosion, smashing noises, escaping gas]

Minkowski: [breathing heavily] Alright. Anybody who’s not dead say… “ow”.

Eiffel: [groans] Ow.

Hilbert: Ow.

Minkowski: Eiffel. One of these days I am going to actually kill you.

Eiffel: Honestly, Commander. I may well beat you to that. Jesus, did that thing just go through that wall?

Minkowski: Hera? Tell me that tank didn’t hit an electric line or something? Is anything going horribly wrong?

Hera: Um… Hard to say, Commander. Ask again later?

Minkowski: Hera. Sitrep. Now.

Hera: Uh… Well… It seems the tank went through one of the station’s exterior walls.

Eiffel: What?

Hera: But. But. Sensors show that the room you’re in isn’t losing air or pressure, so… um… y-yay? I – I’m really not sure what’s happening here.

Minkowski: Gimme that flashlight.

[flashlight clicks]

Minkowski: Hera, what are you talking about? This isn’t an exterior wall. There’s a room right here.

Hera: No there’s not? Commander, I’m looking at the station’s schematics and at all my sensory inputs, there’s nothing there!

Minkowski: And I’m looking through this hole with my eyes, and I’m telling you that there’s a room right here. Look, if I just step through the hole –

Hera: No! Don’t!

Minkowski: There, see? Where am I showing up on the station sensors?

[pause]

Hera: Outer space, Commander. The station’s positioning trackers are indicating you’re outside the station.

Eiffel: Um… Hilbert? Any ideas on how that works?

Hilbert: Well… I suppose it could be possible that Hera’s sensory input hardware was calibrated to exclude this particular section of the station.

Eiffel: And…? Why the hell would anyone wanna do that?

Minkowski: Let’s find out. C’mon.

[flashlight clicks]

Eiffel: Woah. How big is this place?

Minkowski: It looks like it’s at least the size of the observatory, maybe even a little bigger. Look, over there. That’s the outline of a doorframe, but it’s been… walled up.

[pause]

Eiffel: Does anybody see a light switch?

Hilbert: Over here.

[light switch clicks, then clicks a few more times in succession]

Hilbert: Must’ve been disconnected from power grid. Hera would’ve noticed if circuits were flowing to a non-existent room.

Eiffel: Oh, great.

Minkowski: Dr. Hilbert, over here! Look at all these jars, and… the tools in this drawer. It looks like –

Hilbert: A medical facility, yes Commander. This was a laboratory.

Minkowski: W-What’s it doing in the –

Eiffel: Ugh!

Minkowski: Eiffel! Are you alright?

Eiffel: No… Commander, [whispered] there’s a dead spider in that jar! A huge spider!

Minkowski: Oh. Is that it?

Eiffel: Is that it? Look at this thing! Its legs are… so… hairy, and Jesus, look at that stinger! It’s gotta be at least as big as my thumb. [shudders] I hate spiders. Creepy little…

Hilbert: It’s not just over there Eiffel. Look. There’s more of them in those jars. Whoever owned this lab must’ve been running genetic experiments on arachnids.

Eiffel: To make them… bigger? What was the objective of that? To spice up my nightmares?

[faint scuttling noise]

Eiffel: Um… did anyone else hear something just now?

Hilbert: It’s not unheard of to put together large space stations by amalgamating individual parts from smaller crafts. If the Hephaestus was assembled in such a way, this room could just be a vestige from an older mission.

Eiffel: I don’t know, Doc. That still feels like a stretch. Why go through all the trouble of walling up Charlotte’s Lab instead of just clearing it out?

[faint electronic crackling begins]

Minkowski: Hey, looks like this computer terminal’s still working. Must be running on emergency power. Let’s see… um… I’ve got the log of one Dr. Elias Selberg. Entry number six hundred and fifty-three. “Alpha test series has yielded mixed results. Specimen growth and development promising, but… extremely high levels of toxicity unintended side effect. Contact with live specimens extremely dangerous. As shown with recent exposure trial.”

[faint scuttling noise]

Eiffel: Uh… guys?

Minkowski: “Captain Lovelace has ordered termination of all samples. Shame to lose months of work, but… hazard undeniable. Will have to proceed with extreme caution if hoped to” – [crackling fizzes out]

Minkowski: [sighs] Out of juice. That’s it for story time.

Eiffel: Okay. This place is officially giving me the creeps. Why would anyone go through the trouble of walling this place up just to keep us out?

Hera: Um… I – I do have an alternative theory, Officer Eiffel. [pause] But I don’t think you’re gonna like it.

Eiffel: What.

Hera: Um… Well… the walling in… Em… i-it might not have been a way of keeping you out. It… may have been a way of keeping something in.

[scuttling noise]

Eiffel: Comman –

Minkowski: That time I heard it, Eiffel. Everyone with me. Back away from the walls, tables, cabinets, anything that could be used as cover. We’re going to back out of this room. Quickly. Quickly!

Hilbert: Hera. Can you pinpoint the location of the other creature in this room?

Hera: Doctor, I can’t see anything going on in that room, I can – I can barely even hear you right now.

Eiffel: How is this thing even alive? We’ve been here for over a year and a half! How is it still alive? What has it been… eating?

Minkowski: Less questions, more getting out of – Hilbert! Look out!

[glass shattering]

[scuttling noise]

Minkowski: Doctor. Are you –

Hilbert: Fine, Commander. But I don’t know where the spider went.

Eiffel: Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Is it – Is it gone?

Minkowski: I’m… not sure. Let’s just get out of this room before it comes back, and – Eiffel, your shoulder!

Eiffel: [suppressed scream] Oh god! [smashing metal] No! C’mon, no! Jesus! Get it off me!

Minkowski: Light, give me some light here!

Eiffel: Get it off me! Get it off me!

Minkowski: Eiffel. Are you okay?

Eiffel: [fearfully] No.

Minkowski: Did it sting you?

Eiffel: [in a hoarse whisper] No. Not yet.

Minkowski: Yet? What do you mean? Did you see where it went?

Eiffel: It – It –

Minkowski: Eiffel. Stay with me. Where did the spider go?

Eiffel: It… it ran down my shirt. It’s standing on my stomach! Oh god oh god oh god what do I do what do I do?

Minkowski: Are you sure?

Eiffel: Oh, I’m sure. I can feel it. Walking. On my skin! It’s hairy and slimy! It’s hairy and slimy! Oh god, why is it hairy and slimy? [gasps]

Hilbert: Eiffel. Listen to me. Whatever you do, you must remain calm, okay? Don’t let go of that wall. Don’t float away. Don’t make any sudden movements. It won’t sting you unless it’s frightened. But you have to remain completely still, okay? [pause] Eiffel, did you hear me?

Eiffel: Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah. I heard you. No moving! Who needs movement, not me! No, I’m too scared to move!

Hilbert: Don’t talk. Not unless you have to. Keep your stomach relaxed. I’m going to go now.

Eiffel: [lowly] What?

Hilbert: Just for a moment. Just to my laboratory. I’m going to retrieve an anti-venom and I’ll be right back. Then we’ll find a way to get the spider off you. Okay?

Eiffel: Okay. O-Okay.

Hilbert: I will only be gone a moment. Keep him still. Don’t let him move.

Minkowski: Eiffel? Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright. This thing is probably more scared of you than you are of him!

Eiffel: While I normally could get on board with that train, I assure you that in this case I’m definitely the more terrified party! [through gritted teeth] I. Hate. Spiders!

Minkowski: It’s just a bug. It’s just a big bug.

Eiffel: [in a hoarse whisper] It’s a huge bug! And weren’t you paying attention to what you were reading? “High levels of toxicity”! “Extreme danger”? It’s an extreme danger bug!

Minkowski: Shh! Easy. Don’t talk. Keep your breathing slow.

Eiffel: Commander. I can’t do this.

Minkowski: Quiet. Yes you can.

Eiffel: [sobbing slightly] Oh – Oh, no. I can’t! I can’t deal with this thing walking on me! Maybe – Maybe if I could just squash it –

Minkowski: No! Stop!

Eiffel: Just one quick blow, just wham! – and then it’s gone! I can do this!

Minkowski: What if you’re not quick enough? What if it stings you before it dies?

[pause]

Minkowski: Eiffel. Put your arm down.

[pause]

Eiffel: [inhale] Okay. Okay, you’re right.

[pause]

Hilbert: Eiffel.

Minkowski: [sigh of relief] Oh, good. Doctor, you’re back.

Hilbert: Eiffel. This is going to be delicate, so I need you to prepare yourself. First I’m going to give you a dose of antivenom, in case the specimen stings you. I have to administer the serum intravenously. You’re going to feel the prick, but you can’t flinch, you can’t move at all. Alright? Don’t contract the muscles in your stomach particularly. Just stay relaxed, okay?

Eiffel: And then I’ll be okay, right? Even if it stings me? It-It’ll be okay?

Hilbert: I – [pause] I can’t guarantee that, Eiffel. This is very good antivenom, but without knowing the exact makeup of the spider’s poison, cannot be certain that it’ll neutralise it completely. Still, better than nothing.

Eiffel: Oh dear god! [pause] Okay. Let’s get this over with.

Hilbert: Commander. Help me to roll up his sleeve. Slowly. Slowly. Careful. [pause] Okay. Eiffel, I’m going to insert the needle now. Don’t react. Don’t flinch. Don’t tighten your abdomen, don’t –

Minkowski: Would you just do it before he has a heart attack?

Hilbert: Right. Okay. Three, two, one.

Eiffel: [hisses]

Hilbert: Good, good, you’re doing great. And… there. All done. Excellent job, Eiffel.

Minkowski: Hilbert. What are we going to do? How are we going to get that thing off of him?

Hilbert: I’m thinking, Commander, I’m thinking.

Minkowski: What if we just shoot the damn thing? We could find where it is in Eiffel’s clothing, put the gun right up to it, aim away from his body, and just shoot the spider clean off.

Hilbert: Too risky. The sound alone – What if you miss? Even if you don’t, the spider’s reflexes might be fast enough to –

Eiffel: [panicked] Commander!

Minkowski: What?

Eiffel: I – I’m going to – sneeze!

Minkowski: What? Don’t!

Eiffel: Well it’s not like I have a say in the matter do I? I – I’m – Agh!

[scuttling noise]

Hilbert: Breathe through your mouth. Slowly.

Eiffel: [breathes loudly]

Hilbert: Eiffel, let go of your nose in a moment.

Eiffel: [breathes loudly]

Minkowski: Okay. We need to do something, and fast.

Hilbert: Agreed, Commander. But what?

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: I just want the record to show that I think this is a terrible idea.

Minkowski: Yeah, well, it’s the best one we’ve got, and you’re not going to last much longer.

Eiffel: How is this going to work again?

Hilbert: We need to kill the spider without striking it, or we risk your life. Solution is simple. Living organisms still need oxygen, so we just remove all the air from the environment. No O2, no spider.

Minkowski: As soon as we’re ready, Hera will pull the oxygen from the room, taking care of the bug problem.

Hilbert: You’ll wear this oxygen mask. Pump oxygen directly into your mouth. You’ll breathe normally, but we can’t give you a full suit for this to work. So you’ll have to be ready. Without the air it’s going to get very cold here. But you can’t move. Not until the spider is dead.

Minkowski: We’ll be right here next to you, okay? Are you ready?

Eiffel: If I die, Hera gets all my toys.

Minkowski: I’ll take that as a yes. Ready Hera?

Hera: Air pumps are ready, Commander, and oxygen is flowing through both your suits and Eiffel’s mask.

Minkowski: Alright. Helmets on, Doctor.

[helmet sealing]

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Starting air removal in three, two, one, now.

[strong wind rushing]

Eiffel: Oh god! Oh god!

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Just hang on for a little bit longer.

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Is the spider reacting at all?

Eiffel: Still walking around. Damn thing’s on my chest now!

Hera: Oxygen levels at seventy-five percent.

[pause]

Eiffel: Okay. It’s starting to get a little nippy here! Nothing I can’t handle! Nothing I can’t – Agh!

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] What?

Eiffel: This… thing is pressing up against me! It’s putting its body up against my chest!

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Eiffel. The spider is instinctively reacting to the drop in temperature. It’s trying to leech off your body heat. It’s a good sign. Let it happen. Just a little further now.

Eiffel: This thing is so gross this thing is so gross this thing is so gross this thing is so gross!

Hera: Oxygen levels at fifty percent.

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Steady, Eiffel. Don’t twitch so much.

Eiffel: Easy for… you to say!

Hera: Oxygen levels at twenty-five percent and falling rapidly.

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Just one more minute!

Eiffel: I – I – I can’t do this get this thing hell off of me! [ripping noise] Get it off get it off get it off get it off! Agh!

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Eiffel! Are you okay? Did it –

Eiffel: [breathless] No – No, it didn’t sting me. I – Look! It’s floating right there. Totally still. Is it dead?

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Hmm. Perhaps lowering the O2 levels to this point was enough to suffocate it. Or – Or maybe the lower temperature affected it to the point of –

[spider screeching]

Eiffel: Agh!

[gunshot]

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] I also brought a gun. Just in case.

Eiffel: [relieved] Ohh.

Hilbert: Right.

Eiffel: Good thinking.

[pause]

Eiffel: Okay… so now that that’s taken care of, if the two of you will excuse me. I’m gonna faint.

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: Hi friends. Just wanted to… check in, and let you know that I’m… I’m okay. Well, not okay okay. I don’t think I’ll ever really be completely okay after what I just went through, but, y’know, hanging in there. Minkowski and Hilbert just radioed saying they finished up tearing that creepy-ass lab, and there’s no more living specimens down there, thank god. Looks like it was just the one. Small comfort though, but at least it’s nice knowing I won’t run into another one of those things. Well. Except for the new recurring nightmare that I’m going to have from now until the heat death of the universe. There’s also a bunch of weird stuff down there, archives, notebooks, some computer files they’re pulling off that terminal, trying to see if we can’t figure out where the hell that room came from. Minkowski says she wants us to go through all that stuff ASAP, but, she said I could have some time off on account of, uh… nightmare death spider. I’m… kind of appalled that I can’t think of a way to unfairly exploit this yet, but… my mind is still kind of back at the… nightmare death spider. I’m gonna go now, friends. I’m gonna go… not sleep. No sleep. Never again sleep. From the USS Hephaestus station, this is the… newly traumatised Doug Eiffel. Signing off. G’night.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. And the role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by James Shone. If you enjoyed tonight’s episode, please consider writing a review on our iTunes page. Your reviews will really help us to raise awareness about the show. And about the dangers of genetically modified venomous spiders in deep space. So please, take a moment to do your part for these two very important causes. Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

Hera: I’m afraid I’m still calculating the answer to your question from earlier, Officer Eiffel.

Eiffel: Calculating? Hera, I asked you for your top five “stick it to The Man” songs. Not the nine hundredth digit of pi.

Hera: Well... there’s lots of data to collate: year of composition, active political regimes of the time, complexity of chord progressions. It may take a little bit to have a mathematically sound set of five. And it’s three, by the way.

Eiffel: No no no no no no no. You’re way overthinking this. It’s just... a taste thing. There’s no wrong answer. U-Unless you leave out “Anarchy in the UK”. That, would be mathematically unsound. Here, I’ll show ya. Ask me for my top five of anything.

Hera: Anything?

Eiffel: Yeah! Just... go. First thing that comes to mind.

Hera: Top five lanthanides?

Eiffel: ... Try again.

Hera: Top five British naval battles of the 1800s?

Eiffel: ... Nope.

Hera: Top five celestial positioning coordinates.

Eiffel: You’re just yanking my chain, aren’t ya.

Hera: Well, I don’t know what I want, but I know how to get it.

[open intercom buzz]

Hilbert: Apologies for breaking into your frequency, Officer Eiffel. But I was wondering if I could have a moment of Hera’s attention.

Hera: How can I be of service, Dr. Hilbert?

Hilbert: I’m running an experiment with my arc reactor, and I need additional voltage directed towards my lab.

Hera: Negative, Doctor, you’re already at the maximum level for that wing of the Hephaestus.

Hilbert: Then just reroute it. Divert some power from the central processors.

Hera: I... would highly discourage that course of action, Doctor. It would put us over the acceptable safety limits for that wing –

Hilbert: I’m taking every precaution. It will be fine. Now stop wasting my time.

Hera: ... Affirmative, Dr. Hilbert. Rerouting power now, you should receive it in about thirty seconds.

Hilbert: Thank you.

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Wow, are you upset? I didn’t know you got upset.

Hera: I am a MX500 Class Adjutant Program, Eiffel. I’m programmed to be friendly, and pleasant, and I do not get upset. I can, however, get frustrated, ruffled, and/or an eensy teeny bit incensed, when he takes that tone of voice with me.

Eiffel: Hey, don’t let Hilbert get to ya. The guy’s a whackjob. Did I ever tell you about that time I thought he was trying to kill me? Any of those times?

Hera: Things don’t get to me, Eiffel. I’m just afraid that sooner or later, that man is going to do something reckless and some- some- some- some- some- some- [power cuts out]

Eiffel: ... Hera? Are you there?

[silence]

Eiffel: One moment, dear listeners. We seem to be experiencing some... technical difficulties. L-Looks like we’ve lost our autopilot, and our lights, and anything that was plugged into a wall.

[taps on microphone]

Eiffel: Recorder still seems to be running fine though, so... score one for old-school double As! I’m sure this is just a small hiccup in the system. So, let’s just wait for this stuff to get sorted out, alright?

[ship creaks]

Eiffel: O...kay, maybe this isn’t one of those “wait and see” things. Maybe it’s one of those... imminent death things. Let’s go see if we can find any of the others.

[switch clicks, door opens and closes]

Eiffel: [echoing] Hello? Hera? Minkowski?

[ship creaks]

Eiffel: Cool... has this place always been so... Overlook Hotel-y?

[a boom, then clattering noise]

Eiffel: [shrieks in surprise] Alright, Doug. Get a grip on yourself. [clicking] Just figure out what you gotta do. Um... hm... What would Commander Minkowski say if she were here right now?

Eiffel: [imitating Minkowski’s voice] “Eiffel! I know minimal information about the situation or its context, but I am ready to place all the blame squarely on your shoulders!”

Eiffel: [in his own voice] “What? That makes absolutely no sense. You act like everything that goes wrong in this station is my fault.”

Eiffel: [imitating Minkowski’s voice] “Everything that goes wrong around here is your fault. Remember the helium tank?”

Eiffel: [in his own voice] “Here we go again. Look, I had no idea what that dial did. I’m really sorry Dr. Hilbert had to amputate those toes, but it was an honest mistake!”

Eiffel: [imitating Minkowski’s voice] “What about the flight deck airlock? Or the time you poisoned that litre of water trying to make whiskey? I could do this all night.”

Eiffel: [in his own voice] “Oh yes, Commander. Let’s spend more time on this, shall we? Here we are in a potentially lethal situation, and all you wanna do is talk about how much of a screwup I am. [under his voice] God, you’re useless.

Eiffel: [imitating Minkowski’s voice] “I’m useless? You are the most incompetent excuse for an enlisted man I have ever met. The only thing you’ve done for the past five hundred days has been sleep on the job, endanger our lives, and continually make stupid jokes just to hide the fact that you’re –

[a distant echoing voice speaks faintly]

Eiffel: Is- Is somebody there?

[the distant voice continues]

Eiffel: Look. If this is a joke or something, it isn’t funny.

[the distant voice fades]

Eiffel: Alright... I suppose –

[sound of something falling]

Eiffel: What was that?

[booming noise]

Eiffel: Oh god...

[door opens]

Minkowski: Eiffel. Is that you?

Eiffel: [sigh of relief] Commander.

Minkowski: ... Why are you underneath that table?

Eiffel: Um... Reasons? G-Good ones. Excellent reasons.

Minkowski: Any idea what’s going on? Looks like the entire station’s gone dark.

Eiffel: Hilbert asked Hera to give his lab some extra juice from her central processor. Maybe he blew a fuse.

Minkowski: Hera’s offline?

Eiffel: I dunno, search me. Either that, or she’s finally figured out how to access her sleep mode.

Minkowski: [sighs in frustration]

Eiffel: I’m guessing this isn’t one of those “gets better by itself” situations.

Minkowski: If Hera’s offline, then practically every system in the station is too, and that includes life support.

Eiffel: So we’re gonna run out of air?

Minkowski: That may be the least of our worries. She also runs navigation, orbital stasis, temperature regulation. Hell, probably even a few that I don’t know about.

Eiffel: So... basically we’re barrelling towards certain death. That’s all you gotta say, Commander. Barrelling towards certain death. [inhales] Okay. How about we skip right to the “making it better” part?

Minkowski: Well, we’ll need to reboot the system up at the bridge... but first we’ll have to go down to engineering to realign the fuse couplings and restore power.

Eiffel: Divide and conquer. Commander, you deal with the computer upstairs, I’ll head downtown and plug her back in.

Minkowski: Do you have any idea what you’re looking for?

Eiffel: No, but I got you. And a pair of these.

Minkowski: Walkie-talkies?

Eiffel: Been making a few of these out of old recorders. Pretty handy in a blackout. Careful though, the battery on them’s pretty non-existent, so save it ‘til you get to –

[the distant voice reappears for a second]

Eiffel: Did you hear that?

Minkowski: Hear what?

[silence]

Eiffel: I- I thought... Nothing. Never mind. Come on, let’s do this thing, before we fall into the star or something.

[door opens]

Minkowski: This should take you down to engineering. Straight shot. Get down there and wait for me. I’ll radio as soon as I get to the bridge.

Eiffel: Right. Talk to you in a sec.

[door slams shut]

Eiffel: Alright... just... headin’ down to engineering. No big deal! No big deal! Just gonna go... go down, flip some switches, turn the lights back on, and then, go listen to some space static for a couple of hours. [exhales] Won’t that be nice.

[plinking metal noise]

Eiffel: Oh god, it’s spooktastic in here, baby. [exhales] I hate engineering. Creeps me out, even when we’re not in super energy saver mode. I’m glad you’re here to keep me company, dear listeners. [in a newscaster voice] We interrupt tonight’s presentation of Hammer Horror’s The Amityville Space Station to bring you a quick word from our spons –

[the distant voice reappears for a second]

Eiffel: Okay, I swear to god, somebody’s talking to me.

[silence]

Eiffel: Or maybe we’re running out of O2 a little faster than anticipated.

[the distant voice reappears]

Eiffel: Okay, enough! I’m dealing with a genuine life-and-death thing here, so if Mr. Ooga-Booga whispering wants to tango, he’ll have to take a number and have a seat, cause my dance card is full at the moment!

[the distant voice continues]

Eiffel: H-Hera? Is that you? Look, if this is some kind of... weird attempt at being funny, it’s really not cool.

[the distant voice continues]

Eiffel: Alright alright! You got me, very funny! [fake, pained laughter]

[the distant voice continues]

Eiffel: Who – Who is this? What do you want?

[radio hisses]

[the distant voice stops]

Minkowski: [over the radio] Eiffel, I’m at the bridge. Are you in position yet?

Eiffel: God damn. No. Not yet. Commander, there’s something majorly weird going on here.

Minkowski: Yes, all the systems in the station are powered down, didn’t we already have this conversation?

Eiffel: No – No, no. Listen. There’s something coming through the speakers. I-It’s like as soon as Hera went offline, they started picking up Stephen King FM.

Minkowski: That’s not possible, there’s nothing powering them.

Eiffel: I know what I’ve been hearing, and it’s been getting louder.

Minkowski: Alright look. Whatever that’s about, it’ll be a lot easier to sort it out with power and oxygen. So let’s focus on getting Hera back online first, okay?

Eiffel: Yeah... Yeah that’s fair. Okay. I’m at engineering.

[ship creaks]

Eiffel: Alright, what am I looking for?

Minkowski: Go towards the back of the room. You should see a big red breaker box with a lightning bolt symbol on it.

Eiffel: Red... breaker... yeah, I see it.

Minkowski: Alright. Go up to it and open it. Now. This is gonna be real simple.

[box opens]

Eiffel: Holy crap! R-Real simple. Commander, there’s like a bajillion switches and cables in here.

Minkowski: Just do exactly what I tell you. See the switch at the very top? Hit that, and I should get auxiliary power for the consoles here.

[switch clacks]

Eiffel: Done.

Minkowski: Uh... Okay great. Alright, gimme just one moment to start inputting the reboot codes... Look for switches five, eighteen, and thirty-two.

Eiffel: Hm... Yeah, I see them.

Minkowski: Okay. Go ahead and hit all three.

[three switches clack in sequence]

Minkowski: Okay. Now, you see the switch at the very bottom?

Eiffel: Yup, I see it.

Minkowski: That should power up the central processor again. Get ready to hit on my mark. Ready?

Eiffel: Yeah, let’s do this.

Minkowski: Okay. Three, two, now!

[switch clacks]

[the distant voice fades in]

Eiffel: Uh... Commander? Did we miss a step or something?

[the distant voice continues]

Eiffel: Minkowski! [pauses] Crap, the battery in my walkie’s dead. Um... Look, I don’t know who you are, or what you want, but I –

Distant Voice: – you’re not the first –

[the distant voice fades away]

Eiffel: What? What do you mean? Wait, wait! What do you mean? I’m not the first what? Hello?

[sound of machinery rebooting]

Hera: [very glitchy] ...some...body’s going to get hurt.

Hera: Woah. What just happened? Did – Did everything just kind of blink around for a second there?

Eiffel: [long sigh of relief] Hey, Hera! Welcome back. [exhale] We missed you.

[two bursts of static]

Eiffel: Hey again, everyone. It’s been a few hours since I stopped the last recording, and just wanted to give you a brief update. I think we crossed into a new day a little while ago. Day five hundred and one on the galaxy’s favourite little death trap. Hera’s up and running again... it’s taking her a little bit to get all the systems back to normal, but it looks like we’re not going to suffocate or blow up any time in the near future. Shouldn’t expect warm showers either, but hey. Take what we can get and all. I still don’t know what those weird noises were about. I asked Hera about it, she said it was probably just... some... residue of her vocal program, running on emergency power, and going haywire. But... I dunno. It sure as hell didn’t sound like Hera. Scans confirmed that me, Minkowski, and Hilbert, are still the only language-capable life signs on the station, but... I don’t know. “You’re not the first.” What the hell does that mean? Not the first what? [sighs] Well, from the Hephaestus Station, this has been the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. Goodnight everyone.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. The role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. And tonight’s episode also featured the voice of Cecilia Lynn-Jacobs. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Dying to know Hera’s top five lanthanides? Check out wolf359.fm, and follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: [joyfully] Hi, Dr. Hilbert!

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel, how are you tonight?

Eiffel: Fantastic, Doctor. Does your stopping by mean I get my [coughs] dose for the day?

Hilbert: Hm. Your cough has gotten worse since yesterday. Let me examine.

Eiffel: Please Doctor, I don’t think that’s really necessar- [muffled]

Hilbert: Your glands are swollen. Your uvula is very irritated.

Eiffel: It’s nothing, Doc. Now can I –

Hilbert: Could provide a very strong antibiotic that could –

Eiffel: That’s – That’s fine, Hilbert, but before you do that, could you gimme those –

Hilbert: It is important to address these health concerns right away, otherwise they could –

Eiffel: Dr. Hilbert. Do you have something for me?

Hilbert: Hm? Ah, yes, your nicotine lozenges, synthesised a new batch for you this afternoon. Here you are.

Eiffel: Oh, you are a great man, Dr. Hilbert. A great man.

Hilbert: Empirically. However, please conserve the batch this time. These are a sophisticated method of fighting symptoms of withdrawal. Not gas station breath mints.

Eiffel: Oh, you know me. Everything in moderation, and all that. Well Doc, great to see you. Thanks for stopping by! Let’s do this again tomorrow.

Hilbert: You’re welcome. Oh, and Eiffel – let me know if you experience any o-

[door slams shut]

[wrapper rustling]

Eiffel: I [coughs] I cannot even begin to tell you how much this is the stuff, dear listeners. The first batch tasted like cinnamon, but by my request, he was able to customise the second to taste like day-old ashtray. He’s literally made me cigarette candy! And it’s the best thing ever.

[Eiffel sighs in enjoyment]

Eiffel: But he’s right though. I gotta slow down with these things. I’ll only have two... no, three. Yeah no, definitely just four. Just four at a time. From the USS Hephaestus Station, this is Officer Eiffel, signing off. Goodnight!

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: [tiredly] Hello again dear listeners. This is the log of Officer Eiffel [coughs] recording on day four hundred [coughing fit] Oh, sorry about that. I’m not feeling so great today. My throat’s killing me. I’ve been kinda woozy all day. Y’know what the worst part is - I’m almost out of these lozenges.

[insistent knocking on the door]

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: Ah Doctor, impeccable timing.

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel! You look terrible.

Eiffel: Ah, um, I’m fine. Don’t even worry about it. It’s just... a space cold, or something.

Hilbert: That’s not how things work on a spaceship. Come here.

Eiffel: Now, just –

Hilbert: Come. Here.

[pause]

Hilbert: You’re running a fever. Have you been experiencing any discomfort? Aside from your throat.

Eiffel: Um... uh, I’ve kind of had a headache all day. Oh, and my back’s been kinda weird and itchy for the last three days.

Hilbert: Let me take a look.

[pause]

Hilbert: Alright, any muscle pain?

Eiffel: Nah... not really.

Hilbert: Hm. This skin has reacted with such an advanced case of morbilliform, but not myalgia yet. Fascinating.

Eiffel: Wait, yet?

Hilbert: Hm?

Eiffel: You just said [coughs] what do you mean, yet?

Hilbert: Yet? Oh drat, English such inelegant cudgel of a language. Occasional errors inevitable. Next question, how many nicotine lozenges have you had in the past twenty-four hours?

Eiffel: What? Um... All the ones you gave me yesterday, I guess, but... what does that have to do with an... Nicotine lozenges.

Hilbert: All of them? Already? You must space them out. I shall have to get you a fresh batch.

Eiffel: No, stop. What is this? Is there – Is there something in these lozenges?

Hilbert: Of course there’s something in them. [voice slightly echoing] Nicotine polycrylics, about five milligrams of phenylalanine, sucrose for flavour. Very simple chemical formula.

Eiffel: No. No, what I – [coughs] – is there – is there something in them that’s making me sick?

Hilbert: [increasingly echoing] Officer Eiffel, you’re looking very weak. Maybe you should – Officer Eiffel?

Eiffel: Huh? Wha- Where?

Hilbert: You fainted in the comms room, Officer Eiffel. I’ve moved you back to your quarters.

Eiffel: Hilbert? What’s going on here? What’s in those lozenges? Are you – you’re not making me sick, right?

Hilbert: What possible reason could there be for doing that?

Eiffel: R-Right, exactly. Besides, you’re a doctor, you’re like... morally opposed to doing anything like that. Do no harm, and so on.

Hilbert: Oh, not really. My PhD is in molecular biology. Theoretical scientist first, practical medicine more of a... past-time. Always saw Hippocratic oath as leaving one with a very limited scope. True science mustn’t be so severely hindered.

Eiffel: So... that’s a no. I’m not making you sick, right?

Hilbert: You’re sweating, Officer Eiffel. You’re running a very high fever. Impaired judgement and delusional fixations very common. Pay them no heed.

Eiffel: Just answer the damn question! Also, follow-up question: why am I tied to the bed?

Hilbert: Bed rest is crucial for a man in your condition. Restraints crude, but necessary measure to ensure peaceful, restive state. Very conducive to... speedy recovery.

Eiffel: But – but –

Hilbert: No buts. Just bedrest.

Eiffel: But – But Minkowski’s going to get on my case if I don’t show up for my cleaning shift later today!

Hilbert: Already taken care of. I have spoken to the Commander, requested that she give me unrestrained authority over your movements and schedule, until such a time as you have a clean bill of health.

Eiffel: I bet she didn’t like that one bit.

Hilbert: On the contrary. She agreed it was a necessary measure. Very enthusiastic at the idea of your absence.

Eiffel: Oh, great. Um, how long do you think we need to keep these restraints?

Hilbert: For as long as it takes. Now rest! I have taken the liberty of disconnecting all components of the intercom system in this room, to get the maximum quiet! I am leaving your daily dose of lozenges secured right here at this table, within your arm’s reach. Make sure you take them regularly. It would be a pity to come so far, only to lose progress at this point. Don’t worry. You’re in extremely capable hands. Goodnight!

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: Well, at least he did me the courtesy of leaving my portable recording device attached to my shirt. [sniffs] Ugh, I’m not sure if you can hear me, dear listeners. If you’re still with me, don’t worry. This sounds bad, but I know the comms system better than anyone, and I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to completely cut off a room. Case in point: hey Hera! Do me a favour and patch me through to Commander Minkowski, will ya? My hands are indisposed at the moment.

[silence]

Eiffel: Hera? Are you there? Hello?

[silence]

Eiffel: Um, okay. I may be in slightly more dire straits than I previously thought. Especially [coughs] because I’m seeing four – no, five – no, definitely four of everything right now. I’m – I’m going to shut this recording off for now. I feel I might need to make this battery last for a bit. I will... break radio silence again when I have one of my [coughs] patented escape plans figured out. I’ll talk to you soon, dear listeners. I hope.

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: [very tiredly] Hi again folks. I’m still here. Still under restraints. Still trapped. But still alive! No thanks to Dr. Hilbert though. I’ve no idea why he’s making me sick, but I know it’s him. I was fine before he started feeding me those things, and now... I [coughs] It’s been three days since I last talked to you. At least, I think it’s been three days. It’s always a little hard to be sure in this place. I’ve been... going in and out of consciousness a lot. I’ve only had contact with Hilbert for that entire time. He’s got me completely isolated, [coughs] just comes in a few times a day to give me food, some pills that are probably designed to turn my insides into radioactive goo. [coughing] And more of those damn lozenges. I’ve no idea what’s going on with the rest of the crew. I’ve no idea if they even know I’m still alive. Who knows what that maniac’s told them. I gotta let them know what’s going on, get them to save me before he gives me the full Nick Riviera. [laughter that turns into coughing] Jokes on ol’ Comrade Crazy though, I’ve only been pretending to take his pills. Stick ‘em under my tongue, then spit them into my jacket pocket the second he leaves the room. Sooner or later, my body will metabolise whatever crap’s already in my system. Then we’ll see how he likes it when someone’s messing around with his internal organs. [coughing] Even better than that though, I think I’ve figured out a way to get out of this. It took a bit of ingenuity, but –

[door opens and closes]

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel! Did I just hear you... talking to someone?

Eiffel: Who me? No. Of course not. I was just resting. Who would I even be talking to?

Hilbert: I definitely heard the sound of your voice.

Eiffel: I was just... recording my daily log. You know me, keeping up with regulations!

Hilbert: Indeed. How... dutiful of you. Ever diligent in your work, aren’t you.

Eiffel: Haha, that’s me! Me to a T. And speaking of that, don’t you think it’s time for me to get back to work? ‘Cause honestly, I don’t think I’m even sick anymore. I feel great!

Hilbert: ... Do you?

Eiffel: Never better! Not in my life! [coughing fit]

Hilbert: How many fingers am I holding up?

Eiffel: The Fifth Amendment says I don’t have to answer that question.

Hilbert: How many fingers? Simple question for a man in robust state of health, no?

Eiffel: ... Four?

Hilbert: Four?

Eiffel: ... Ish?

Hilbert: No, Eiffel. It was not four-ish fingers.

Eiffel: [explosively] What are you doing to me, you crazy science freak? What kind of sick experiment is this?

Hilbert: [exasperated groan] Not this again, for goodness’ sake Eiffel, you need to abandon this delusion. The only experiment here is one you are conducting on my patience. You’re running a fever of a hundred and five degrees, and fighting an aggressive infection in your pulmonary system. I’m only trying to help you get better. An enterprise that would be a lot easier if there was no need to grind your medicine into your food and administer it intravenously while you sleep!

Eiffel: Well, you know – What? You’ve – you’re smuggling drugs into me?

Hilbert: I’m good doctor. I can tell when someone has not been following prescribed procedure. All I did was take necessary measures for your health.

Eiffel: I – You – You have no right to do that! This is insane!

Hilbert: When patient does not trust doctor, doctor cannot trust patient. Now listen to me very carefully. I have every intention of seeing this through to the end. There are certain people who have to be dragged, kicking and screaming towards improvement. You are one of those people, Officer Eiffel. Sincerely hope that you will start listening to me, stop wasting your energy, and rest. You’re going to need it.

Eiffel: Hilbert.

[door opens]

Eiffel: Hilbert!

[door slams shut]

Eiffel: Hilbert!

Eiffel: Okay, okay. Don’t panic. Remember the plan. Just remember the plan. [coughing fit] Hilbert doesn’t know this, but I keep one of my tool bags by my cot. Took a lot of squirming, but I was able to reach it. Nothing in there that could cut through the restraints, but I was able to make some pretty clutch adjustments to this little recorder. I think I might be able to broadcast a short-range transmission. Talk to Minkowski. Alright. Here goes nothing.

[radio tuning noises]

[long beep]

Eiffel: Oh my god, yes! Yes yes yes! I’m good. Got it, I’m transmitting. Commander? Commander, do you copy? [coughing fit] Look, I don’t have much time. [sniffs] If you can hear me. Hilbert is holding me hostage in my room. He’s force-feeding me drugs and making me sick. I think he’s using me as pat of some sick experiment. I need to get out of here. I need your help. I need –

Hilbert: [over the radio] What you need, Eiffel, is to stop wasting your energies. I assure you; I have taken every precaution to provide you with distraction-free environment. Including a blockade of all short-wave transmissions. Now, go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow!

Eiffel: What? Why? W-What’s happening tomorrow? Hilbert? Hello? [pause] Oh god!

[two static bursts]

[static burst]

Eiffel: Well, dear listeners. This might be it. I’ve only got a little bit of battery left in this recorder, so uh, might as well use it. Y’know, I always thought I’d die in a science fair. Turns out I wasn’t that far off. Commander, I’ve always kind of suspected that you’d sneak into my room and NSA your way through my personal logs. If that’s the case, I hope you’re able to find this one. Be careful with Hilbert. Don’t take anything he gives you. [sniffs] And lock your doors at night. I don’t know what’s about to happen, but –

[door opens and closes]

Hilbert: Officer Eiffel. The time has come.

Eiffel: T-T-Time? Time for what?

Hilbert: Please, hold still.

Eiffel: Wait. Wait no. What’s in the bag? Hilbert, what are y – no no no no no. W-What are you doing with that knife? Wait. No, please. Let’s talk about this. I-I’m sure there’s all kinds of experiments you could run on me. You don’t have to do this. Please, let’s be reasonable. Just please, don’t cut – no, please don’t –

Eiffel: - Uh...

Hilbert:  Was simply removing your restraints, Officer Eiffel.

Eiffel: My - My restraints?

Hilbert: Yes. No longer necessary. Your fever broke last night. And all signs of infection are gone. You are, as they say, good to go.

Eiffel: I – I am?

Hilbert: Absolutely. Come on.

Eiffel: B-b-but... What was all that stuff about resting up and needing my strength for today?

Hilbert: You’re back on active rotation. You have a shift in two hours.

Eiffel: Oh. So... it wasn’t you.

Hilbert: Of course not.

Eiffel: Oh. Then... what was it that was making me sick?

Hilbert: Glad you finally asked. You were infected by a tropical flu.

Eiffel: A tropical flu?

Hilbert: There are a few samples of it in my laboratory. For experimental purposes. I hypothesised you were accidentally exposed during your recent stay there. May owe you an apology for that.

Eiffel: Oh. I guess that makes sense. Uh... thank you.

Hilbert: Thanks not necessary. Simply doing my job.

Eiffel: ... Sure. And... uh, I’m sorry for thinking you were running some kind of evil experiment on me.

Hilbert: Your imagination is incomparable, Officer Eiffel. But I must admit, a little disappointment. Just because I am scientist, does not mean I am mad ingenious supervillain, no?

Eiffel: Fair point. You really gotta work on your bedside manner though, Doc.

Hilbert: Bedside manner is like anaesthetic. It just gets in the way of what needs to be done.

Eiffel: Well, that about sums up the problem, I guess.

[rapid high-pitched beeping]

Eiffel: Oh hell, my recording device is still going. It’s almost out of battery. One sec, Hilbert.

Eiffel: Well, it looks like I was wrong about that situation, dear listeners. I feel like there’s a lesson to be had here, but it’s kind of lost in all the hallucinations right now. I’ll get back to it. From the Hephaestus Station, this is Officer Doug Eiffel, signing off! Say Doc, you wouldn’t happen to have more of those lozenges on you, would ya?

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Wanna get Dr. Hilbert’s recipe for homemade cigarette candy? Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

[typing noises]

Eiffel: Alright... let’s see. On Monday evening, we’ll be going through the gravitational field of a passing comet! So, we’ll be spending most of the day securing the sensitive equipment. Expect localised interruptions... of power and water supplies, as well as mild to moderate turbulence throughout the day. Oh, won’t that be fun.

Eiffel: On Tuesday, we’ll be having another station chess tournament. Given Dr. Hilbert’s uninterrupted fifty-three week winning streak, he has agreed to play blindfolded, and without rooks, bishops, or queens. As always, participation is compulsory. [softly] Dangit.

Eiffel: On Wednesday, our orbital alignment will make it possible to view the solar system through our high-power telescope. If you would like to get a glimpse of home, report to the observatory deck during your off hours.

Eiffel: Thursday will be –

[door slams, Minkowski can be heard particularly loudly in the background]

Eiffel: [clears throat] Thursday will be movie night, if you would like to vote for what film we’ll be watching, submit your written choice to Commander Minkowski. Although since all we have is a VHS of Home Alone 2, the effect of your vote will be negligible.

Eiffel: On Friday, we’ll have mustard. [pause] Um. That’s all it says for Friday. Not sure what that means. I’ll have to ask Minkowski about that one.

Eiffel: On Saturday –

[open intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Hey Dr. Hilbert!

Hilbert: [urgently] Eiffel.

Eiffel: Don’t worry about the clashing titans. I don’t think they’d manage to kill each other just yet.

Hilbert: [alarmed] Eiffel!

Eiffel: Now I haven’t got the foggiest about what set them off. Maybe Hera put skim milk instead of two percent into the Commander’s seaweed this morning?

Hilbert: [drawn out choking] Eiffel!

Eiffel: Besides, you know how they can be. Minkowski does pig-headed obstinacy like it’s an Olympic sport, and Hera’s a grandmaster at the passive-aggressive slow burn. I guess it was just a matter of time before things got to a boil.

Hilbert: [monotonously] Eiffel.

Eiffel: Anyway. What’s going on with you, Doc? [gasp] Wait, how did your thing go? You were looking for that weird plant monster thing again, right? Were you finally able to kill it?

Hilbert: [monotonously] I would never harm specimen thirty-four, Eiffel. Specimen thirty-four is the most evolutionarily competitive life form on this station. The most deserving of life.

Eiffel: ...Right on. So, what can I do you for?

Hilbert: [monotonously] Fertiliser. The greenhouse needs more fertiliser. Where does Commander Minkowski keep the fertiliser?

Eiffel: Um... Down in the storage shed? By engineer – Wait. Did you say fertiliser? I thought you said some – thing else. Y-Yeah, no. Fertiliser is up on the... observatory deck. Yup, uh, way at the top of the station.

Hilbert: [monotonously] Thank you. Your cooperation has been noted. Soon you will be allowed to surrender your life to the growth of your biological superior.

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Welp! Looks like Hilbert’s finally let go of that last shred of sanity! I’d better –

[Hera and Minkowski’s argument ends]

[door opens]

Minkowski: Eiffel! Can you believe this?

[door closes]

Eiffel: Hey Commander! I was just commenting – I think we might have a situation on our hands.

Minkowski: Of course we do. Our operating system is a tin-headed, insubordinate, feckless fool!

Eiffel: N-No, Commander, the thing is –

Minkowski: All I was saying, was that it would be a good idea if she started giving me reports, on all the systems she runs. Just in case there’s another emergency. Is that so unreasonable?

Eiffel: No, but –

Minkowski: Of course it’s not! It’s my ship! I’m responsible for the lives of everyone on board. I ought to know what’s happening behind the scenes.

Eiffel: ... Agreed, but –

Minkowski: And the other things is that –

Eiffel: Commander! [pauses] I hate to distract you from your little spat with our version of Clippy, but I think there’s something seriously wrong with Hilbert.

Minkowski: Little spat?

Eiffel: [irritated sigh]

Minkowski: This is a serious matter of station protocol. Not some teenage squabble. Whose side are you even on?

Eiffel: S-side?

Minkowski: Side.

Eiffel: Well... that’s a... a very complicated question, Commander. With many different... angles, and nuances to explore, and uh... consider. H-Have I ever mentioned that I’m a huge fan of Switzerland?

Minkowski: Oh, it doesn’t seem all that complicated to me. I think that you either agree with me that Hera is being unreasonable by not wanting to acquiesce to a very simple demand, or you think that a piece of buggy, malfunctioning software knows better than your commanding officer.

Eiffel: Gee, look at the time. I-I gotta go.

Minkowski: Sit your Swiss ass down and pick a side, Doug!

Eiffel: Well...

Minkowski: Oh of course. Fine. Take her side. You’re both utterly useless.

Eiffel: No no no. It’s not like that. I totally see your point. Hera’s made some mistakes since you got here, dangerous mistakes. I get that we can’t just trust her with all the systems that are keeping us alive.

Minkowski: [surprised] We can’t?

Eiffel: No, I’m a-absolutely of the opinion you can only trust artificial intelligences about as far as you can throw ‘em.

Minkowski: I didn’t know that.

Eiffel: You didn’t?

Minkowski: No, I didn’t.

Hera: Neither did I.

[silence]

Eiffel: ... Hera?

Hera: Hello, Officer Eiffel.

Eiffel: I [nervous chuckle] didn’t realise you were... with us, as it were.

Hera: Yes, I noticed.

Minkowski: Go away, Hera. This is a private conversation.

Hera: No. If I’m going to be the subject of this little têté-á-têté, I’d like to have my têté in the mix. I wanna hear what else Officer Eiffel has to say about me.

Eiffel: Now Hera, to be fair, you know how critical I am of Commander Minkowski.

Minkowski: You are?

Eiffel: ...No, of course not! I... only think the highest of you.

Hera: So you agree with her that I’m incompetent, is that it?

Eiffel: ...No, I think you’re doing a great job!

Minkowski: You do?

Eiffel: ...Well... most of the time.

Hera: Most of the time?

Eiffel: Almost all of the time.

Minkowski and Hera, at once: What does that even mean?

Eiffel: I... I... I... I-I think that Hera is an absolutely professional operating system, and... she does a great job and should... be trusted with our lives, except for a few times when... Commander Minkowski could maybe... help by... [irritated] For god’s sake, I can’t be honest with both of you here. Could one of you please step out of the room so I can say what I really think?

Minkowski: Hera, get out.

Hera: Make me.

Minkowski: Why, you cheeky little –

Eiffel: C’mon, Commander, you can’t really hold that against her. It’s just her programming.

Hera: Oh, stop. Stop it. Do you have any idea how condescending that is? Just chalking everything I do to my programming? What if I just went around blaming every stupid decision you make on biology?

Eiffel: Hera.

Hera: “Why are they doing that? Isn’t that a bit dangerous?” “Oh. Never mind, that’s just their... biology.” “That’s a terrible idea. Don’t they know any better?” “Just that pesky ol’ biology!” “We really should have sprang for the more expensive model.”

Eiffel: Hera.

Hera: “Good god! Why are they playing with that? They’re going to get us all blown up!” “Oh. It’s just their biology. We’ll just have God take a look under the hood the next time he comes by.”

Eiffel: Okay okay. I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean it like that.

Hera: Do I? Apparently you don’t trust artificial intelligences now.

Eiffel: Hey. You can’t hold that against me. You were practically wire-tapping.

Hera: So what?

Eiffel: So you... can’t go off on that! I-I was just lying to Commander Minkowski to get her off my back!

Minkowski: Still here, actually.

Eiffel: Oh god damn it. Look. I just meant that –

Hera: Of course you tried to intimidate Eiffel into siding with you. Why am I not surprised?

Minkowski: Please. Like you wouldn’t have done the same? You’re just annoyed that I beat you to the punch.

[open intercom buzz]

Hera: Oh, right. Like I actually care enough about what you do, to try and sabotage you.

[Hera and Minkowski continue arguing in the background]

[switch clicks]

Eiffel: Hey, Dr. Hilbert? Have you found any of those marbles yet?

Hilbert: [monotonously] I know what you tried to do. You tried to stop the Blessed Eternal’s growth. You tried to hide the seed of life.

Eiffel: [sighs] See? That’s exactly what I was afraid you were going to say.

Hilbert: You are no better than the oppressor. Your death shall be no quicker, no less painful, no less humiliating. You scream shall echo through –

Eiffel: Yup. [sighs] Death, plant monster, fertiliser. Got it. Talk to you later.

[close intercom buzz]

Hera: That’s right, Commander, just fall back on the military training. Don’t try solving your problems like a human being or anything.

Eiffel: Hey guys? Guys?

Minkowski: Where do you even get off saying that to me? You’re not even human!

Eiffel: Oi!

Minkowski and Hera, at once: What?

Eiffel: Look. Our rating on the peril-o-meter just went from “Spidey-sense is tingling”, to “Bat Signal in the sky”, so this argument is over, okay? It’s stupid fight to begin with, and your referee is throwing in the towel. So let’s all just stop, okay? I think you’re both great. I think you both do your jobs really, really, really well. I think that you’re both intelligent and have good judgement, and you can definitely find a way to compromise and work together. And just in case it wasn’t already obvious, I am absolutely terrified of both of you. But making me choose a side between the woman who has the military authority to shoot me, and the woman who makes my oxygen, is only gonna end in tears. Now. Something is seriously up with Dr. Hilbert. I don’t know if he’s under some kind of... hypnosis, or mind control, or if he’s just gone madder than he normally is, but he’s defecting to team mutant plant monster. Right now, he’s feeding his new boss all the fertiliser we have left in the supply shed. And the last thing we need is our deadly stowaway growing more teeth. The fact that I’m trying to get the two of you to do the responsible thing is scary enough. But I would really like to take care of the situation before we reach Audrey II territory! So what if I said that I don’t trust Hera? So what if I called Minkowski obstinate? Who the hell cares? Can we go deal with the emergency?

Minkowski: Wait. You never called me obstinate.

[silence]

Eiffel: Did I say obstinate? I meant... um...

Minkowski: Have you been talking about me behind my back?

Eiffel: I- I- I would never!

Hera: Yeah... he would.

Eiffel: [through gritted teeth] Hera.

Hera: You were doing it just earlier, when you were talking to Dr. Hilbert.

Eiffel: [hushed] No, don’t!

Minkowski: To Dr. Hilbert? You conniving little snake! What were you saying behind my back?

Eiffel: [nervous chuckle] You know... [nervous chuckle] I... don’t think I really remember now.

Hera: Oh, one moment.

[static burst]

Eiffel: [in recording] Besides, you know how they can be. Minkowski does pig-headed obstinacy like it’s an Olympic sport –

[static burst]

Minkowski: An Olympic sport?

Eiffel: [sarcastically] Gee. Thanks a lot, Hera!

Eiffel: Y...eah. An Olympic – So, in a certain way, I was... complimenting you?

Minkowski: Mhm? Nice try.

Eiffel: Hey wait a minute! That wasn’t all I said. Hera. Play the rest of that tape.

Hera: I’m... hm. I’m having difficulty finding the rest of that recording, Officer Eiffel. I may have accidentally deleted it.

Eiffel: Oh, you don’t say. Well isn’t that grand.

Hera: Don’t let Commander Minkowski get to you. She’s just afraid that the advent of artificial, highly efficient administrative intelligences are rendering middle managers and petty officers like herself obsolete. She’s just taking out her insecurities on you.

Minkowski: And again, I’m still here.

Hera: And, she’s just trying to micro-manage me because she’s feeling threatened.

Minkowski: Threatened? By you? Hah! Alright. I would maybe feel a tiny twinge of threat from your highly efficient intelligence, if, say, if everything on this station wasn’t breaking all the time. Or, if we could go a full week without any weird mechanical problems. Or – Oh, oh! Here’s a good one! If your voice box didn’t glitch every ten words.

Hera: Careful, Commander. Your biology is showing.

Eiffel: Can we please go deal with the crazy plant worshipper?

Minkowski: No. We’re going to have this out, right now. Do you really think I’m obstinate?

Hera: And do you really think I’m not trustworthy?

Eiffel: What the hell do you want me to say?

Minkowski: Just say what you really think!

Eiffel: What I really think? Okay. Fine. I think you’re both crazy. I think you’re both one hundred percent cuckoo bananas right now. You’ve spent the last two hours shouting at each other literally over nothing. And not even the prospect of losing the entire station to a crazy horticulture experiment has been able to get the two of you to snap out of it! You’ve been yelling at each other for the past five minutes over what? Me lying to you? Me saying something awful? Like that’s any kind of news! Why the hell do you even care what I think? I’m so far beneath both of you that I shouldn’t even register on your radars. So no. I don’t really think you’re obstinate. And no, I don’t really think you’re not trustworthy. I think what’s really the problem here, is that you’re both so childish, and so petty, that you’re literally putting our lives in danger, just so that you can win a stupid argument!

[announcement chime]

Hilbert: [monotonously] Crew of the Hephaestus. I am here to inform you that your spaceship is now the property of the Blessed Eternal. It is fruitful and plentiful. It is a light in the cold, and the dark, and the ash –

[Hilbert continues to monologue]

Minkowski: [sighs] Alright. Let’s go deal with this. Hera, do we still have those canisters of halothane knockout gas hooked up to the ventilation system?

Hera: Yep, they’re still armed.

Minkowski: Alright. Let’s start pumping those into the greenhouse, bridge, and the engineering section, and go from there. Let’s knock him out before he does any more damage, and then we’ll see about stopping whatever that thing is doing to control him.

Eiffel: Yeah, that sounds great, let’s –

Minkowski: Not. You.

Eiffel: What?

Minkowski: You stay here. I’ll deal with you later.

[door slams]

Eiffel: Ugh, awesome. Well. Guess I really screwed the pooch on this one huh, Hera.

[silence, apart from Hilbert’s monologue]

Eiffel: Oh great. Real mature, both of you.

[pause]

Eiffel: Shut up, plant Hilbert.

[switch clicks loudly, Hilbert’s monologue is cut off]

[outro music]

Eiffel: From the USS Hephaestus Station, this has been Officer Doug Eiffel. Let’s see if anyone ever talks to me again after this. Goodnight.

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. The role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Ready to surrender your feeble human flesh to the Blessed Eternal? Then visit us online, at wolf359.fm, and follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information about our show.