#borodred

I dont think Boromir was 'groomed to die', or at least I dont think that description effectively describes Boromir's relationship with warring and his own impending death. I actually think Denethor and Finduilas raised Boromir for joy and life as all good parents wish to do. Boromir was meant to become the Steward in his parent's eyes. But I also think that Boromir himself, even very young, was somewhat spiritually and intimately aware that that was just not what his future would look like. And I think that was something that became contentious between him and his father. I think for Boromir, who essentially raised himself to die young, it was painful to bear Denethor's love and hope for him when he knew, somehow, that he would not live up to Denethor's wishes.

In terms of Boromir's protectiveness over Faramir, I think that relationship between them was already over long before Boromir's death. As children, Boromir was Faramir's 'protector' yes, he felt it was his place to put his body in between Gondor and danger and that naturally meant double for his little brother. But I also think Faramir was never reserved or meek enough for that to not get on his nerves pretty quickly. In fact I think to a certain extent Faramir shared Denethor's fears and frustrations with his brother's 'place in the world'. He also instinctively knew this is what Boromir was made for and he hated that. He also hated the position of 'protected little brother'. He did not want Boromir to die for him. Which was a cauldron of emotions that exploded long before their true adult careers began. So Boromir already had to deal with that redundancy and he dealt with it, as a 20 year old angry and traumatised by war already, by being like 'fine, suit yourself' at the end of a shouting match between them that saw their relationship become quite distant and sour for a number of years afterwards.

I also wouldnt exclusively describe Boromir's sense of self as 'protective'. I would say more that Boromir sculpted himself into 'the Soldier who would fight for Gondor until the end'. This involved being 'Gondor's defender' but also included a lot more than that, some of which was less than scrupulous. I think Boromir as Captain-General made a lot of decisions that were a part of a bigger picture, but that may have gotten many people killed. In my personal imagining, Boromir pushed for a more active campaign into Ithilien over other more conservative and reserved captains. He reclaimed derelict fortresses north and south of Henneth Annun as holdfasts against imminent attack from Mordor, Minas Morgul and Harad but many were lost in that effort. It is Boromir, after all, who leads a whole company of soldiers and his brother in defense of the Bridge of Osgiliath, knowing that he is going to detonate that bridge behind them and likely kill every one of them. By some miracle he, Faramir and two others survive, but that is a good example of Boromir being a quick and clever stratagist who knows what must be done for Gondor to last just one more day (or one more year in this case), but who also does not balk against spending lives for that cause, even if those lives include his brother. So basically Boromir's identity is less based on protecting his brother/everyone, and far more about doing whatever it takes to keep as much of Gondor as possible free and breathing for just one more day. And, even more so than just 'a defender', this is a role that is so utterly redundant post-Sauron's defeat that one could even call it actually harmful.

With all that being said, in an AU where Boromir does not die at Amon Hen, his psychological landscape is kind of fascinatingly fucked. There is literally no part of him, the man he made himself, his lifelong self-project to become the sacred sacrificial calf for Gondor's life, that is needed any longer.

Certainly there are opinions he gained along the way and perspectives that he fostered unique amongst the dunedain that could be put to good social use, especially when it is the Steward who holds them. But in Boromir's own self-described political strategy 'Where there are so many, all speech becomes a debate without end. But two together may perhaps find wisdom' Boromir is a backrooms dealer, he is a single-issue advocate, he will take a cause and fight until he draws blood about it but he is not a mediator, he is not a man who can remain impassive and unbiased and he already has accrued a great political debt of respect from many vital eschelons of Gondorian society in his pursuit of Gondor's continued existence.

And as Steward, even as a serving Steward to a King, you cannot be effective if half the country loves you and half the country hates you. Particularly when you are accused of 'lacking faith' in an era defined entirely by a return to faith. Boromir cannot pretend hard enough that he loves the god that made his father self immolate and thus his support on an issue is just as likely to hinder it as it is to help.

So he is not only dealing with the natural aftermath and consequences of living in a constant state of Traumatic Stress for 30 years, just as hundreds of thousands of soldiers throughout Gondor are doing the same, he cannot even lose himself in work about it without being constantly confronted with his own superfluity, indeed his own harm! The harm he is accidentally causing the country he spent his identity to save!

And in his effort to spend that identity, Boromir also sacrificed a lot of what could have been a familial support structure in this time. His family does love him, indeed he is very well loved amongst the stewards, but they do not actually know him very well. All his true feelings and sufferings have been out of reach for them and when, during peacetime, he starts to 'become' this seemingly angrier and more isolated person, not even the kindest among them are immune to applying the 'he loved war too dearly' racialised assumption to him, further making their support out of reach.

Denethor was someone who understood at least a part of what Boromir bore. But Denethor, whose suffering Boromir believes is the far greater between them, who nonetheless was a great Steward and vital to Gondor's persistence, he is dead and buried in the rubble of their house. Boromir cannot ask him for help, he can only ascend the Palantir's tower and look into the stone and find an echo of his father's burning hands reaching out for him in the final moment of his greatest despair. Absolutely catastrophic levels of 'you cannot save your father' happening here.

And, of course, Faramir is outwardly doing well. He is marrying, he seems happy, he is raising children and loving a woman just as Eru intended and his irreproachable faith is a potent connection between him and the new King that sees him grow in influence and modesty both. None of which Boromir is capable of, not even if he tried to force it.

It could not be more obvious who the platonic ideal of a 'serving Steward' is between the two brothers. Boromir is constantly dogged by the spiritual truth that he is not 'meant to be alive'. He is supposed to be a beautiful, redeemed, uncomplicated corpse floating out to sea.

So actually I think his own suicide attempt, or at least suicidal ideation, is inevitable. He loves the Anduin, it is his river, and if he must die he would like her to have him, he would not have begrudged such a burial if it had happened. Soldiers have lost their lives in far worse places.

And here's the part where I can't really keep Theodred out of the room any longer. I'm sorry my ship is so cool and themactically explosive and their lives are intimately intertwined and death cannot claim or spare one without the other okay. Fuck. Anyway in order for Boromir to even contemplate that he might need or want to question his own self concept at all, he does need something that is 'his' to make that self-unmaking worthwhile. He needs a thread of self-determination that did not involve Gondor, that came from him but was not tied exclusively to self sacrifice and depersonalisation. And his relationship to Theodred is that thread.

There was no element of forebearance or martyrdom involved in Theodred and Boromir choosing to pursue love with each other. In fact it was dangerous to both of their projects, and I think did indeed become an obstacle at various times for various reasons as the years went by. It was necessarily sporadic, distance, meagre and more full of longing than joy, but it was theirs exclusively. Which leaves a thread, decades long, that Boromir can tug on and unravel a little of his own self mythology. If he is capable of choosing something based purely on the desire to do it, then he is not stone, or an avatar, or defined exclusively by all the pounds of flesh he gives away. He is, in fact, human and change is not death, it is his right by virtue of existing at all.

In a piece of dialogue that is way too open and self-aware for either of them but does summarise the vibe I'm going for well, I wrote this like;

Theodred: Just live Boromir, just let life be enough. Boromir: If I let it be enough I feel as if I would be killing someone. Theodred: Who? Boromir: Something. Someone. Myself. The man I am. He would be dead. Theodred: Let me then. Boromir: What? Theodred: I will slay him, it is my right anyway. Boromir: … Theodred: Let me be the death of him, put it on my conscience. Boromir: You are crying. Theodred: Yes, of course. I don't want to do it. Boromir: You really are a poet, no one is dying. Theodred: I know that. Yet I can't stop grieving. Boromir: For what? Theodred: I don't want to leave him behind. He told me he was ready to give in once, a long time ago now, and he is still there in a war he will never escape. I wanted to save him. Boromir: … You did. Theodred: You yes, but I am killing him to do it. And you don't even want me too, it's your life's work, to be this man, and now no one needs him anymore, not even I do. Boromir: … Theodred: … Boromir: Don't say that. Theodred: If I'm to kill him, I have too.

ALL THAT BEING SAID I do not see a way for Boromir to like... successfully identify and address the things that keep him from living his life like it belongs to him. Even if he manages to concede the percieved failure of ceding the Stewardship to Faramir, a thing a Steward has never done, he still will not be able to let his causes go and every concession he makes towards his own desires is an extremely hard won battle against his psyche, against the sense that he is betraying himself to do this. This is not a logical effort, this is buried in his nervous system and the feelings will be there until he can somehow identify their falsity and repeatedly soothe them until his body learns to exist differently. This I think is something that will also happen just over time, but I doubt Boromir has enough time left for it to not effect him anymore.

He also cannot shake the miserable shameful feeling that he felt better during wartime, that peace is more poisonous to him than war ever was. This compounded by the fact that his health plummets dramatically after he stops going to war as 'the body keeps the score' and all his physical debts come due. I think Boromir actually becomes profoundly disabled with both skeletal/muscle issues and heart issues that limit his abilities and shorten his lifespan considerably. Boromir has never had to worry about 'pushing himself too far' before. It is not only that Gondor doesn't need the man he is any longer, his own body won't even allow that man to exist.

I think Boromir could come to some kind of mostly conscious realisation that he does not percieve himself as human in the way that his friends and compatriots are human. As I've said before, Boromir is surprisingly racially aware, he has friends who are middle men and I can see him having stiff uncomfortable conversations with them late at night where he realises it doesnt really matter why he has placed himself on this pedastal, he is still nominally dunedain and these friends feel the distance he places between them as the same mundane violence as ever. And he agrees, internally, that he doesn't want to do that to them. But I think he would consider that as purely a moral failing on his part, and he would attempt a logical resolution. His nervous system is not recieving that care.