So I went down a rabbit hole today, trying to learn more about theories that Emily Dickinson was lesbian or bisexual. I've heard about this before, but never knew what to make of it because I now always wonder whether someone was homosexual/bisexual or aspec bi/homoromantic, but because of lack of education, people just assume the former.
What struck me was first how people would toss the word "asexual" around as some sort of insult and antiquated way of viewing a person because you wanted to sexually repress them due to your discomfort with the idea of them being sexual or due to homophobia.
Inwardly, I cried out for broader understanding of asexuality and aromanticism and more representation so that people don't make these painful characterizations of us, so we get the respect for our sexual identity that we--like EVERY human--deserve, and so that asexuality is not stigmatized. Stigma creates shame and hurt and leads people to live in the closet or love in denial (or even ignorance of their orientation), harming them in so many ways.
I'm tired of seeing asexuality used in antiquated ways, implying someone is a robot or killjoy or not fully human or uptight or repressed. Many of the articles and social posts I came across acted like the idea that Dickinson was asexual was distasteful and so she must must must be lesbian or bisexual instead.
I read some excerpts of Dickinson's letters to her love interest, Susan Gilbert (her sister-in-law), and found myself wondering, "How can we know this is a sexual relationship? Why can't it be a romantic one?" This may sound homophobic, but I say this to advocate for those of us who are, say, biromantic but not bisexual. To make room for other types of relationships besides the traditional sexual romantic marriage-baby carriage idea of love that has been pushed on us all, superceding all other forms of love and being treated as the only valid form of partnership. And expanding our ideas to see, "maybe I am not physically attracted to women, but I would rather be in a committed relationship with a woman than a man. Or maybe I don't want a relationship at all... I've just felt like I had to. I have just gained valuable information about myself and what makes me happy, potentially side-stepping a thorny path of trying to force myself to fit into a heteronormative, autonormative society, and searching for a relationship that meets my needs."
I don't want to invalidate celebrating public figured and characters for being (or possibly being) LGBTQ as a way to empower people, I just want to raise awareness that there is an A to consider too. And that considering that could deepen our understanding of those people, but also allow others to explore their own identity.
I don't know enough about the subject to make my own judgments about Dickinson (and I'm not sure we should say anyone's sexuality with 100% certainty who hasn't outright proclaimed it...goes for straight people too.) But my mini research journey highlighted some troubling tendencies I see in the world outside of aspec community. I feel people could benefit from knowing about the split attraction model.
I admit some of this comes from a place of my first intro to the aspec community being from having strong feelings for a female friend. I was confused; I was not sexually attracted to her, but I found imagining spending my life living with her, even getting married. A friend recommended I look into the asexual spectrum, and since then I've been on quite a journey. One that has been invaluable to my happiness and well-being.
I haven't even touched on quasiplatonic relationships either. All that to say, I feel erased from the world and the scholarly narrative seeing that these types of nontraditional romantic and platonic relationships aren't explored or are even spat on because it would presumably be shameful to be asexual or have a platonic or solely-romantic love.
Again, I don't want to make this a debate about Dickinson herself because I don't feel qualified to speak to that, but this whole thing raised some questions and frustrations for me that I've felt before.
