I'm not sleeping tonight, I'm trying to see if I can self-induce a manic episode, I reaaaally need to fell something right now

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I'm not sleeping tonight, I'm trying to see if I can self-induce a manic episode, I reaaaally need to fell something right now

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I've been locked in my room crying for almost four days and my mum came ONCE to see how I was doing and it was only because I asked her to
I have this thing where I know the best thing for me right now may be to get hospitalised but I can't for any reason at all miss the 2nd season of young royals, so I'll just have to wait it out I guess
My mum really had the audacity of saying that she wasn't going to take sides, yet she really took my sister's side, yes, the same sister that told me to hang myself and now is acting so inocent and shit.
Please someone get me out of here
Should I pull an allnigther to trigger a hypomanic episode to take me the fuckboutvof this depressive one? Say yes

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I also told my so called best friend about this problem that I have with time perception and that I can't control it and she said, and I quote "as a virgo that makes me mad" like, that's so messed up, I mean, when someone tells you about a serious problem that they have you don't make a fucking zodiac joke.
Me feeling sick: I feel bad
My mom thinking I could be having an episode: bad...how? Have you been taking your meds?
Me to my psychiatrist: yeah no, I feel ok, I'm good. well other than the fact that yesterday I fell asleep crying cause like every single sound no matter how small was like amplified and I wanted to shove something on my ears to stop the pain that I was feeling. But, overall pretty good.