M

I have a big exam in two months, one of the most important exams of mi life and i can't seem to really study, I can barely focus and it's driving me crazy because I know what I could do to change it, I could pull a all nighter and stop taking my meds for a while, because that would give me clarity it always has, but the problem is that I know that once the exam passes I will relapse, I will fall into a pit of depression and i don't want to do that I can't, but at the same time I need the clarity.

Well, it's Saturday and I'm depressed so that means I'm gonna go abuse my sleeping pills and anxiety meds and take an ultra mega super nap. Maybe I'll sleep one hour Maybe 6, who knows? Certainly not me.

So, get this. My mum went on a trip with a friend, all is cool, like honestly good for her, but she comes back and she starts handing out souvenirs and gifts, both my sister and brother get something cute and meaningful, an engraved medallion for my brother and a cute glass statue relating to an inside joke for my sister, so there i am, waiting for my turn and thinking "wow, i wonder what she got me, what did she saw that made her think about me", and my turn came and she gave me two ROCK HARD and also COLD AS FUCK PRETZELS, fucking pretzels, and when she saw i was kind of disappointed she said something like "I also got this perfume samples for the girls at work, i guess you could have one" mind you this are some cheap and tiny bottles with the most awful smelling perfume ever and it, at most, costed her 1€.

Okay so, I've been really good on my meds and I've been actually feeling quite good for a couple of months now and like an idiot I thought "well shit I'm cured, I'm all better now, I think I'm actually happy" but noooo, because right know I feel like I'm entering a really bad depressive episode and feel like my life is shut and I want to hurt myself and die or something idk I just wanna cry

Live, laugh, love Christmas with my family.

I gave my mum full control over my meds because I was afraid that I would try and kill myself, but she's not home in the mornings and from the moment she steps out the door all I can think about is raiding her room and taking all the pills I can find.

After like a week straight of being so depress that I couldn't get out of bed and having such strong suicidal thoughts that I had to give all my meds to mum so I couldn't try to maybe kill myself, today I kinda felt somewhat good.

I said it once and I'll say it again, there's nothing like a few words from my mum to make me wanna die.

I was seven fucking months self harm free, Sven months sober and then, in a blink of an eye I found myself with a lighter on my hand burning myself