#being rejected

Sometimes (read: right now, but also read: kinda always) I wish there were more famous gay male singers... I’ve been doing jigsaw puzzles on my phone, and in the meantime my brain kind of went down an emotional path, so I started looking for songs to match the new emotional state I was in. I looked for “angry/sad songs”, “angry heartbreak songs”, and similar stuff, and all that came up was a bunch of songs about girls being broken up with, or being cheated on, and being angry about it. And don’t get me wrong, those songs are powerful. Adele singing Someone like you is good. Really good. But nothing is even close (to be clear, I’m not saying one is better, or worse, or more emotional, I’m just saying they’re very different) to the specific feeling that my brain has dug up.

Backstory. There’s this guy that’s in university with me, and we’ve known each other since first year (now we’re midway through third year). We’re in the same group of uni friends, but we live in kinda distant cities. We (the group) used to go drink something after the lectures sometimes, and in these times this guy and I grew kinda close. During second year we started tutoring the first year kids (because of a thing we both won, long story), and since we spent together a lot of time for this we grew really close. That’s when I started getting feelings for him. Cut to a few months in, we went out to drink after tutoring, some prosecco (maybe also a shot of sambuca, I don’t really remember), and I ended up telling him I had a crush on him. He was totally cool with it (I knew he wasn’t an asshole, so that didn’t worry me), but he said he’s straight. That hurt, but I had already had crushes on straight guys, at this point I can kinda handle that. However, he went on to say something like “but if I were gay, I’d totally date you”.

Now, that’s the feeling. It’s a combination of two parts sad to one part angry. The first sad part is the rejection, plain and simple. The second sad part is the fact that he’s straight, so he most likely will never even consider me in his dating pool. The angry part is the “if I were gay, I’d totally date you”. It’s obviously irrational anger. Rationally, I know it’s not something either one of us is in control. But emotionally, to me that’s heartbreaking, even more so than the actual rejection, and it makes me angry, because if he’s so sure he’d date me, why doesn’t he?? (answer: he’s straight, duh. That doesn’t make it less infuriating)

I haven’t been able to find a song that really expressed that feeling. I don’t think it’s even a feeling most people outside of the LGBTQ+ community experience that often.

It’s 2am now, I’ve been writing this for half an hour, but at least I managed to calm my emotions down. I kinda wish I knew how to sing, so I could write that song myself. But also, I’m kinda good at writing, and I still don’t write everything I want to read, so being good at singing would probably not end up being useful at all. Anyway, goodnight people, and thanks to anyone who read all this bullshit.

For rebellion is like the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He also has rejected you from being king. 1 Samuel 15:23 Throughout history people have rebelled at times against someone or something that they did not like. Often times it was a manner of attempt to change the situation to their own way of thinking. Pride…

yesterday, dad rahan made a question-answer on instagram and twitter. a question that makes me think hard now.

he asked "considering your circumstances, out of these two, which one is the worst and why? being lonely or being rejected?"

actually, at that time, without any longer thinking, i directly said "being lonely". the only thing i thought that time is lonely sucks, it hurts me a lot. isn't it? when you really need someone on your side – family, friend, or even a boyfriend- but there's none, it feels like i can't live any longer. every time i'm sad, every time i get tantrums about something i don't know, i always, always contact my mom or my friend, that's how i release my pain, telling someone.

while being rejected.. i don't really know how it feels. in liking someone i'm never rejected, of course, because i never confess it, hahaha. i buried my feeling, liking someone in quiet, in silence. being rejected on my ideas, i'm so sorry, but can i say i'm used to it? i never feel like i'm better than anyone, so if my idea is rejected ya.. i'm considering any other ideas, but ya, if my idea is better i will fight for it, but if it is rejected, i think it's not that hurt. being rejected on a job, i've been rejected once, it's hurtless, i thought that maybe i wasn't really ready for a job.

definitely, being lonely is the worst for me, but dad rahan and most of his followers think otherwise (i know they're older, so they think differently)

This is about love. Not the love your thinking about, but a different kind of love. This love is about youth, determination, drive, heart, and dedication.

Dear Rejection,

You can come after me all you want but it will not stop me from reaching the thing you want to pull me away from. If you touch me and I fall, I will get right back up and once I reach it, you will no longer be able to drag me down back where you came from. See you again soon friend.

Love,

They specifically asked for photos with me smiling and more portrait and full body ones. I guess my smile isn’t good.