#badbrain

The thing is having (what was later determined to be “treatment resistant*”) ocd has been a canon Cavar life thing for the majority of my time alive so I don’t particularly doubt it (except inasmuch as I critique psych dx as a carceral technology) however it also does not change the fact that I must hedge my bets and do my insane stuff bc if I slip up, ocd or not, it will be All My Fault

*belly up to the bar*

Can't I just have a normal brain? I don't want no gucci, no pradda, just a brain with less effort.

Omfg it's so messed up to think that this "I" that thinks it is actually who we are is like a weird cursed alive creation you have to coinhabit a vessel with

If you love something but don’t know how to acknowledge your emotions, try to destroy everything you enjoy about it; if you find yourself back there anyway, perhaps it was meant to be.

But I craved language like sex. I gave myself to each word for close to nothing—pennies or their absence. I let words do things I thought made me more. Teach me taxidermy. Insect collecting techniques. How to boil marrow from bone. How to assemble a body from scraps and hook it up to the national grid.