#dharmakshetra

When Abhimanyu exited the court, he was shaking. He bunched up his dhoti with his fists and barely kept his composure as he walked down the stairs and into the lush courtyard.

"Get him!" A voice said. He didn't know where the voice was coming from.

He just ran.

The din of battle filled his ears. He suddenly felt heat rushing through his body. His heart beat faster and faster and faster until-

Abhimanyu fell.

Much like he had on the 13th day of the Great War, much like he had when he once underestimated how utterly strong uttaraa was, much like he had running around as a child whose baby fat hadn't yet faded, Abhimanyu fell.

He didn't know when he opened his eyes again. He didn't know when he finally stood up. Time was... Still hard for him. Where was he? Space was... that was a bit hard too. Father had once said it was hard for him too. It made Abhimanyu feel a little better. That his father who seemed to be effortlessly good at everything was struggling with one thing too. He still tried. That's what you had to do, right? Try and try and try and- never stop trying?

When he looked around, he was outside the courtroom again.

The trial was almost over. People were beginning to filter out. Abhimanyu sat on a bench just outside the courtroom and waited. He just wanted to go home. Maybe mother or uncle Bheem would make something he liked, if he asked. He wanted something sweet, after all that..... After his testimony. And then maybe read a book. Something to distract him from whatever his life had become right now.

"Forgive me, Arjun. For- for what I did to your son...."

Abhimanyu shifted uneasily. The memories were duller, less painful, yes, now that time had passed, but he still remembered every wound on his broken body, he still remembered every single strike of the weapons that killed him. Everyone discussing it like this....

"Acharya-" he heard father say. "What is there to forgive? I should thank you for-" His voice broke. "For making sure my son became a martyr, for making sure he got immortalized in history,"

Abhimanyu jolted out of his seat and burst into the courtroom almost unconsciously, breathing heavily, looking at father incredulously.

"What?" He tried to scream, but his voice came out as a whisper.

"What did you just say, Parth?" Keshav mama put in, shaking his head. It seemed he hadn't noticed Abhimanyu yet. Neither had aunt Krishnaa- walking towards them with her signature long, measured strides- it seemed. No no no no. He wanted to be out of that courtroom. He thought he'd come in and ask father- confront him, tell him how he really felt inside that quagmire, how he still resented him a little for not reaching there in time.....

But his mouth felt like it was glued shut. He was shaking. And he couldn't think of what to say.

When they got home, Keshav mama would say he had conducted himself well and give him a small, rare smile. When they got home, father would say he was proud of him. And no one, not one person, would say they loved him. That was how it always went. And- and he knew! He knew they loved him, he'd WATCHED as father went ballistic after his death he'd SEEN how Keshav mama bent time and space to his will to make sure Jayadrath died.

But what had Jayadrath done?

Why did no one blame Susharman, the real reason father could not come and help?

Why did no one do anything about Kritavarman, or Kripacharya, or Ashwatthama or- or Dronacharya...

Why?

Abhimanyu's throat dried up and he felt strangely lightheaded. Somewhat belatedly, he realized his eyes were bursting with tears, almost waiting to come out.

"Soubhadra?" He heard a voice call out to him. It felt… very far away. "My child?" An arm went around his shoulders, holding him tight, supporting his weight. If it weren't for that, Abhimanyu felt like he'd have fallen over. He couldn't breathe.

"Oh, dear, there there," another voice was trying to comfort him. This one was more... awkward. He felt someone step in between him and father. "Arjun, leave. Right now. I don't know about you or your loyalties but I care about every soldier in my army. Step aside!"

"Bu- but-"

"Go home, Arjun. We will meet you there," he recognized that voice. Aunt Krishnaa.

When he could breathe again, it was like a drowning man finally getting air.

"Sit down, I'll get some water," Senapati Dhrishtadyumna said.

Abhimanyu nodded past the lump in his throat. He sat down on the edge of Keshav Mama's chair, three worried faces looking at him. Abhimanyu avoided their gaze and quickly looked down, fidgeting with his hands. They were silent for a long time.

"I- I'm sorry!" He burst out. "I know I wasn't supposed to come in and-"

"What he said wasn't right either. Your reaction is understandable," aunt Krishnaa said.

Grandfather walked up to them. "If you- if you want, you could come stay with us, for a little bit. Just until things cool down,"

"Or maybe, with us?" Keshav mama asked, his voice softening.

Abhimanyu looked around at everyone gathered around his chair. He didn't know what to say and settled for gulping down the water someone had brought.

"Abhi, it's- listen to father." Aunt Krishnaa said. "I know it might feel strange there, but- at least until I talk to him,"

Abhimanyu shook his head. "I'll go home. I'll- I'll talk to him, how hard can it be? I mean- I came in because I wanted to talk to him. Properly."

Grandfather sighed and rubbed his temple with his hand.

"Well if that's what you want...." Keshav mama trailed off. "Alright," he shrugged.

Abhimanyu walked out of the courtroom feeling a little more calmer, a little less shakier, and thought he could deal with father.

When he got home, he hugged mother and went straight to his room. He needed to get those courtroom clothes off. It was only when he calmed down that he strode into the garden. 'Just like aunt Krishnaa,' he thought. He loved her confidence. He wanted to channel her energy when he went to talk to him.

He was going to go there, look father in the eye, and tell him that he wasn't a martyr. He was going to go there and tell him exactly how that made him feel. He was ready to face father. He was ready.

"Father?" He said.

"Yes?"

"I wanted to talk to you. About today." His words were careful. Measured. He tried to keep emotion out of his voice.

"Hmm," father said, gesturing to the space on the bench beside him. Abhimanyu shook his head.

He was wrong. He was so not ready.

"I'll stand, thank you."

And then, he began saying what he had planned to say. What he had practiced several times on the walk home. "I am not a martyr. I'm not a symbol. I'm your son. And I did not like what you said back there." Abhimanyu's voice shook, but he pushed on. "Whether you forgive him or not- that's- that's your choice. But please, at least acknowledge that he did do something wrong, and dishonourable, and heinous!"

"I know!" Father said. "But- But I am so, so proud of you for living up to your name and holding on until the end. The conditions were not ideal, yes-"

"Not ideal???" Abhimanyu shrieked, his planned speech going out of the window.

"Soumitra kaka died!"

"That happens to every warrior some or the other time, my son. And- and didnt you just go visit him last week?"

"Thats not the point! They broke my chariot, my horses, my bow, my axe, my shield, my sword, my-"

"But I thought Madhav taught you what to do if something like that happens..." Father looked genuinely bewildered. He didn't understand what Abhimanyu was angry about. "And listen. I'm sorry. Forgive me for not being able to come in time to save you!"

"I have! I've made peace with everything that happened thirty six years back!"

"Then why didnt you like that I forgave gurudev?"

"Because you didnt forgive him, you downright thanked him for basically behaving like a pack of hyenas!!"

"But that gave you a chance to prove yourself! And you- and you did. And I am so proud of you!"

"I know." Abhimanyu said, biting back the bile in his throat. "But I would have made you proud even without that. You believe in me, right? Yes, I became pretty famous because of the way I went out, but I would have been a good son even without that! I would have made you happy even without life flinging these situations at me I-" Abhimanyu broke off with a huff. "You know that, right?" He spoke in a small voice.

"I know. You're my favourite son. You could never disappoint me. Even when i thought you-"

"When? When did you think that?"

"Right now! I feared you'd disrespect Acharya or say the wrong thing. But you did well...."

Abhimanyu wanted to disappear. Or rip his hair out. Or sic aunt Krishnaa on him. Or-

"Well, okay, thank you," Abhimanyu said lightly, hiding the turmoil in his mind.

"And- and I only said what I said because you had said it when you were called in. If you were still angry or fearful about it all, I would not have stopped to talk to him,"

Let it be known that discernment and wisdom were not his father's gifts. And neither was truth, it seemed.

"I do hope you know I was being sarcastic," Abhimanyu finally said.

"You- what?"

"I may have made peace with what happened and i may have forgiven all of them, but I- I'd never be able to see him with the respect you do. You know that, right?" Abhimanyu asked.

Father's eyes widened.

"And- and you know how he just kept blaming the others, right? Saying Duryodhan or Karna or Kripacharya made him do it... he was the commander. And he still did all that." Abhimanyu said, some petulancy now seeping in.

"Impossible, he'd never do that," Father said quickly.

"He did it right in the courtroom!" Abhimanyu thundered.

"Well we never know-" Father started.

"I was there!" Abhimanyu cried out. "Why won't you believe me!"

Father had no answer. Abhimanyu stared at him for a few moments and then walked right out.