#tw panic attack

I had. Another panic attack. This time it was neck pain. Convinced myself it was a clot traveling from my chest (had slight muscle pain in my cheat earlier) and it was gonna go to my brain and kill me. This one is most likely because if the PTSD, since I had similar issues before they medicated me for it and my PTSD largely stems from my moms death (via brain bleed, so you can see where my clot in the brain and otherwise brain issue related anxiety might come from) I’m not so sure I’m doing good. I have therapy tomorrow, I thought it was in two days but apparently not. I just hope I can get any sleep without nightmares or much more panicking tonight.

O-okay- calm down- hah- stay awake- everything's okay.

[In, out. In, out. In. Out. In. Out.]

Calm down- calm down...everything's okay. You're okay. You're okay.

Instead, he was in a hallway that was alarmingly famiiar. His old family home in Russia.

And why did he feel so small...? He lifted his hands up towards his eyes only to see that they were the hands of a child.

Then, as if he was on autopilot, Ilya's legs picked up into a run. He was running in the direction of his mother's room.

Ilya knew in an instant what he would see when he pulled the door open. "Нет… нет, нет!"

Once he could see into the room, he took immediate notice of his mother laying motionless on the floor. He rushed to her, dropping down to his knees to cradle her in his arms. He shook her shoulders, begging her to open her eyes through his tears.

Her body felt so cold. Too cold.

As he continued to hold Irina, the room faded away into blackness.

"<It's your fault!>" The accusation was sharp and cutting. "<You found her too late!>"

The voices were shapeless at first--deep, threatening echoes. Then they shifted, twisting into ones he knew too well.

"<Why didn't you find her sooner?>" It was Alexei's voice.

"<You abandoned me just like you failed your mother!>" Grigori Rozanov's voice was booming.

Ilya shook his head hard. He glanced down at his arms and found that his mother's body had disappeared into thin air. "<I didn't know! I was at practice!>" he yelled back, voice cracking.

The voices grew louder, piercing through his chest enough to suffocate him. <"Your fault! Your fault!>"

Just as the yelling felt painful enough to split his head apart, everything abruptly went silent.

------------***-----------

Ilya jolted upright with a strangled intake of air. He lurched forward like he was still falling through the darkness. For a long moment, he didn't know where he was. His bedroom suddenly felt unfamiliar and terrifyingly quiet. His heart was hammering away inside of his chest as if trying to burst its way out of him.

He hand impulsively reached for his necklace--his mother's necklace--and tightly flexed his fingers around it, trying to steady himself.

Trying to remember that he wasn’t a child.

Trying to remember that his mother wasn’t in the next room.

Trying to remember that he wasn’t back in Russia.

The nightmare clung to him like some grotesque monster holding him in their grasp, refusing to retract its claws from his body.

His hands shook violently. He curled forward, elbows on his knees, his his eyes squeezed shut as if the actions could block out the voices still echoing in his head.

You found her too late! It's your fault! You abandoned me!

He sucked in a breath that hitched halfway through. His throat felt tight. He couldn’t get enough air. He didn’t realize he was rocking slightly until he felt the motion. Then, his eyes suddenly burned with hot moisture.

Hi Miss Lizzie I had the worst panic attack I've ever had like an hour ago and I feel sick and my head hurts and ew ew ew

I was lucky I was able to call my friend cause my vision was blurry and all of me went tingly like leg fall asleep feeling and they helped me but also this is new friend and they don't know I regress so I'm scared and my brain try to make me regress but I had to not cause she doesn't know and I'm afraid of her knowing but I feel very funky now

I playing Minecraft on my 360 to try and help brain calm and I have apple juice now and I have jax stuffy and vox stuffy

I making a cool house with diamond blocks and gold blocks

I want to regress smaller but I have to keep an eye on a program I have running so I can't :(

But yeah I'm feeling funky and needed to tell an adult

@waterkiddo

Hello there sweetheart,