#apl experiences

For romantic relationships we have:

Casual dating, where you're expected to be getting to know one another and it's understood that the relationship could end at any time.

Formal dating/"Going steady", where you've acknowledge that you have a bond that you are interested in pursuing and you want to spend significant time with one another.

Engagement, where you're actively working to enmesh your lives completely, and are expected to be interested in one another as people and supportive to one another through serious difficulties.

Marriage/partnering, where you have formally intertwined your lives and have an expectation that this will be a permanent, continuous relationship based on mutual interest and mutual caretaking.

And every time you want to "go up a level" in a romantic relationship, the expectation is that you actively ask the other person, and get their consent. There is (ideally) no confusion about what the other person expects from you in terms of commitment and intensity of your relationship.

Friendships don't have that.

Which means that instead of a consent-based checkpoint for going up "levels" of friendship, you just have to try to figure out where you stand based on vibes. And there's no way to tell if there's a mismatch of expectation until someone makes a mis-step.

And there's no socially appropriate/expected way to navigate friendship rejection either.

It's totally normal in a romantic relationship to say "I'm not interested in/ready for that kind of commitment" but when you have to handle a friendship the same way, the person being rejected is often scandalized because they had no clue you had a mismatch, and they have no socially appropriate way of expressing the grief of a friendship rejection.

like do you dislike having platonic relationships, or just don't have an urge for them? n how do you cope with loneliness, if you experience that at all? also just what does it feel like 😭

i hope none of this came off as rude or anything im just genuinly curious, even without understanding it I respect yall but I find it interesting n stuff

Not rude at all, no worries!

For me, I don't hate having platonic relationships, but I also don't have any desire for them. I also have a way lower social battery for friends than most people. So if someone wants to be my friend, I'm down for that, but they have to be willing to respect that I won't want to spend nearly as much time with them as most people would with their friends. Because of how little time I can comfortably spend with friends, I can really only stand to have one or two at a time, unless they were genuinely okay with spending time with me very rarely.

I don't really experience loneliness at all. I have some need for socialization, but it can be entirely fulfilled by interacting with people on social media or discord servers, or sometimes by watching/hearing other people socialize (like in a podcast or YouTube video). I've said before that as long as I had internet, I could never see or speak to another person again and be perfectly happy, and I really do believe that.

*These are some of my personal experiences being an aromantic on the aplatonic spectrum, to be but one resource for questioning aplatonics. This is not a checklist, but a few possibilities that you may or may not relate to.

**Aplatonicism is NOT an aromantic-only identity. You can be alloromantic and/or allosexual and be aplatonic. In fact, the person who coined 'aplatonic' was not aromantic!

You have difficultly making friends

You don't know how to make friends

You have / prefer a small friend group

You didn't think platonic attraction was a real thing

People typically approach and befriend you, versus you going out of your way to approach and befriend other people

Your friendships began because of an outside force that brought you together (ex. you happened to be in the same class)

You experience a sort of time blindness in your relationships. You don't feel that your friendships fade or weaken after spending time apart from them

If you've been out of contact with a friend, you don't miss them as much as they miss you, or you don't miss them in the same way that they miss you

You don't relate to people who yearn and gush over their friendships and their platonic love

Your friendships are based more on logic than it is emotions (ex. 'we're friends because we share interests', vs 'we're friends because they make me really happy')

You never or very rarely get squishes (platonic crushes) on people

You never or very rarely feel the desire to befriend a stranger

A friend said "i love you" and you said it back despite not actually meaning it, or not meaning it in the same way as they seem to

A friend said "i miss you" and you said it back despite not actually meaning it, or not meaning it in the same way as they seem to

If you are arospec, you feel alienated and disconnected when the aromantic community puts an emphasis on platonic love and friendships

More Aplatonic Resources:

[@Apl-Culture-is] [@Aplatonic-Culture-is]

Did i miss something? Was it really supposed to be that deep? We aren't just enjoying each other company? We aren't just caring for each other? Feelings must be included???

Platonic "friendship" relationships have none of these rituals or rules, which leaves me in a permanent state of "are we friends?" "how long have we been friends" and "how can I escape this friendship I'm no longer interested in."

Seriously, there being no socially recognized acceptable way to "break up" in a friendship is deeply frustrating and distressing, and causes me to remain in relationships I am trying to escape while trying to find a socially acceptable way to do so.

Without a method of recognizing a friendship officially, or dissolving it, I'm left in a nightmare half-state where I'm trying to ghost someone as politely as possible until they get the message. There should be a better way!

Just because I don't consider someone my "friend" doesn't mean that I don't like that person, or I don't enjoy their company.

There are lots of people I like, and enjoy the company of, who I do not consider my "friends".

"Friend" is a relationship.

A friend is someone who you

make an effort to spend time with on a continuing basis

make an effort to know on a personal and emotional level

would want to continue spending time with them even if you didn't have a current shared interest/hobby

would go at least somewhat out of your way to assist when having difficulty. Would lend $5 to. Would stay up late and listen to them cry.

It is okay and normal to have people that you like and spend time with who are not your "friends". "

Friendship" comes with duties and expectations. It is a relationship.

Back in the 90s and 2000s when I was first going online, you had to go out of your way to communicate and interact with people.

Browsing websites was a solitary experience, not a social one where everyone who was in my circle knew roughly what I was up to at all times.

I saved pictures and fic I was interested in to my harddrive rather than immediately and essentially automatically forwarding it (reblogging it) to an entire mailing list (followers).

Chatting with people was deliberate and intentional. I had to specifically open my AIM, or log in to IRC and join the channels I was in.

In order to communicate with people, I had to deliberately open lines of communication.

Being on the internet used to be a quiet, solitary experience for the most part, with interactions being deliberately sought out. You had to choose to go out of your way to interact with people.