đ€đŽđ„ đąđ¶đžđŽđźđŒ đȘđ·đ đĄđžđȘđ đđźđźđ»đŒ đ„đŽđ€
đ„ (crimson nights / ink thoughts / quiet longing) đ„ đđŹ (late movies, alone light, waiting energy) đŹđ
đ€ tonight feels like one of those looping nights.
me staying up too late watching movies alone again. me in that soft glow of a screen that makes the room feel less empty but not full either. me wondering if someone is going to ask to join me.
not in a loud way. not in a dramatic way.
justâ
âhey. what are you watching?â and then they actually stay.
đ„ i keep thinking about that kind of person.
someone who wants to smoke cigarettes with me and talk about life like itâs not something we have to perform correctly.
just sit. just talk. just be.
no audience. no mask. no editing ourselves down into something easier to digest.
đ€ iâm sapiosexual, which means my brain falls first.
connection for me isnât slowâitâs immediate or it doesnât happen at all.
either I feel that spark where someoneâs mind clicks into mine like a locked door finally giving up its secretsâŠ
or I feel nothing.
and when it does happen?
itâs intense.
too intense sometimes for people who expected something softer, quieter, more manageable.
đŽ and Iâve been called âtoo muchâ before.
too honest. too unfiltered. too real.
like thatâs something Iâm supposed to fix instead of something Iâm supposed to understand.
but I donât know how to be less myself without disappearing completely.
and I donât think I want to disappear just to be easier to love.
đ tonight is just another one of those nights.
movies. quiet room. soft ache of almost-company.
not sadness.
just awareness.
of how much I still want it.
that simple thingâ
someone showing up, sitting down, staying.
not for performance.
for presence.
đ„ i donât know where that person is.
but I know exactly what it feels like to be waiting for them without even calling it waiting.
just⊠living in the space where they might show up.
đ€ and maybe that counts for something.
maybe wanting it clearly is its own kind of honesty.
maybe thatâs enough for tonight.
đ„đ„đ smokes, road beers, and the kind of love that doesnât ask you to shrink đđ„đ„
