#rawwriting

i don’t think i’ve ever been a bad student, not really. a procrastinator, yes, the kind who sits on the edge of deadlines until the last moment and then somehow still pulls through, the kind who always believed that even if i started late i’d still finish, that my brain would show up when i needed it to, that i could trust myself to deliver. and for a long time, that worked. i was never the one falling behind, never the one missing the mark. but then college started, and something shifted in me that i can’t even name properly, something broke in the way i used to trust myself. suddenly, i’m not just procrastinating, i’m… failing. i’m not just late, i’m absent.

i’ve been too negative, i think. too heavy in the way i look at things, dragging myself down before i’ve even tried. my performance has been trash, and not just in studies, but in everything i thought i loved-squash, where i used to feel like my body was sharp and alive; the clubs i joined with bright-eyed promises but barely attend; the commitments that i wanted to pour myself into but instead keep slipping away from. it’s like i can’t commit to myself anymore, can’t commit to showing up for the person i thought i was going to be.

and i have this voice-god, i know it’s beautiful, people have told me so, i’ve felt it when i sang, like something inside me was finally free-and now it’s just rusting away. i don’t even sing anymore. my ukulele, the one i once carried everywhere, is lying in the corner like an abandoned instrument from a war nobody remembers, gathering dust, its silence heavier than its sound ever was.

and maybe the worst part is how the state of my mind has started spilling out into my room. my room used to be my place, mine, a reflection of me in the best way. now it’s just untidy, cluttered, like i keep throwing things around because i can’t bear to sit with myself long enough to put them back. it looks like i’m always mid-collapse, like the room is telling on me, showing what i can’t say out loud: that i am unraveling.

May mga tao sa paligid mo na tinatawag ang sarili nilang kaibigan. Pero kapag tinitingnan mo sa liwanag, parang ibang mundo ang kanilang tinitirhan. May ngiti, may tawanan, pero may tinik sa bawat salita at kilos. Ito ang mga klaseng kaibigan na mararanasan mo sa buhay, bawat isa may pangalan, bawat isa may bakas sa sugat mo

Maamong Gago “Ang galing mo pala kapag gusto mo.” Papuri lang sa anyo, pero may parinig na sermon. Babatiin ka habang dinudurog ng marahan. Lason sa anyo ng compliment. Hirap magpasalamat kapag ramdam mong insulto ang laman ng regalo. Halimbawa: Umupo ka sa tabi niya sa kape. “Ang galing mo pala kapag gusto mo,” sabi niya habang hinahawakan ang tasa mo. Ramdam mo ang init ng kape, at kasabay nito, yung malamig na pangungutya na nakasilid sa bawat salita.

Kupal Lagi silang may kwento, reklamo, lungkot. Ikaw ang basurahan ng lahat ng hindi nila kayang saluhin. Pagkatapos, “thank you ha, gumaan pakiramdam ko.” Oo, kasi sa’yo nila binuhos lahat. At pag ikaw naman ang pagod, tahimik silang nagla-log out. Halimbawa: Nakarating ka sa kanila pagkatapos ng mahabang araw, at binuhos nila lahat ng drama nila. Kapag ikaw naman ang nanghingi ng oras, biglang busy, parang invisible ka sa screen.

Multo Laging “we should hang out” pero kapag kailangan mo sila, biglang busy. Pag may drama, nawawala. Pero pag may beach photo ka, ayun, parang nagbalik sa mundo ng mga buhay. “Catch up tayo soon.” Soon. Yung salitang laging maganda pakinggan pero hindi dumarating. Halimbawa: Nag-send ka ng text sa oras ng emergency, “Tara, kailangan kita.” Read lang. Pero nung nag-post ka ng picture sa beach, bigla siyang nag-react, parang nagbabalik sa mundo ng mga buhay.

Barbero Ayaw daw ng gulo pero laging may kwento. “I mean, ayoko mag-name drop, pero…” Pagkatapos ng pero, sunog na reputasyon mo. Pag nagalit ka, sila pa ang mabait. “Grabe, di ko naman sinasadya.” Ganyan ang mga pyromaniac: takot sa apoy, pero lagi silang may posporo. Halimbawa: Sa kwento sa inuman, nabanggit niya yung isang pagkakamali mo sa harap ng iba, habang tawa-tawa. Ramdam mo yung init ng usok sa paligid mo, kahit wala ka sa spotlight.

Palabati Pero Walang Alaala “Kamusta ka na?” Pero hindi nila kayang makinig sa sagot. Gusto lang nilang marinig ang boses nila sa ibabaw ng ingay mo. May mga tanong na hindi talaga gustong marinig ang totoo. Halimbawa: “Kamusta ka na?” tanong niya sa chat. Sagot mo: “Ayos lang, medyo busy.” Wala man lang follow-up, agad na bumalik sa kanilang sariling kwento.

Tagapayo ng mga Pagdududa “Sure ka ba d’yan? Baka masaktan ka ulit.” Concern daw, pero sa tono, may halong “ayan ka na namang tanga.” Marunong magpanggap na nag-aalala, pero sa totoo lang, natatakot lang silang maunahan mo gumaling. Halimbawa: Habang nagdadalawang-isip ka sa bagong opportunity, kinakausap ka niya: “Baka masaktan ka ulit, wag ka muna.” Ramdam mo ang proteksyon, pero may patak ng pangungutya sa dulo.

Komedyante Tahimik kapag kayong dalawa lang, pero pag may audience — boom. Biglang may spotlight, tapos ikaw ang punchline. Lahat tumatawa, ikaw lang ang tahimik. Pag nasaktan ka, “grabe, joke lang.” Ang sakit daw maliit lang. Pero bakit parang laging sa parehong sugat tumatama? Halimbawa: Sa party, nagkwento siya ng storya nyo niyo dati, pero binalot sa biro. Lahat natawa, ikaw lang ang tumahimik, ramdam mo ang init ng katahimikan mo sa gitna ng tawa.

Clone Bigla na lang pareho kayo ng suot, ng caption, ng panaginip. Kala mo coincidence, pero parang ninanakawan ka ng pagkatao mo nang paunti-unti. Hindi dahil idol ka nila. Gusto lang nilang maging ikaw — kasi pag sila lang, wala silang laman. Halimbawa: Nagpost ka ng mood board ng iyong visual style. Kinabukasan, pareho na rin ang aesthetic niya, parang sinasalo ang originality mo.

The KJ’s “Congrats!” pero may diin sa “sana all.” Sabay tawa na hindi umaabot sa mata. Hindi ka pa man natatapos magpasalamat, parang gusto ka na nilang mapagod. Hindi umaalis, naghihintay lang ng tamang oras para ipaalala na hindi ka dapat masyadong masaya. Halimbawa: Na-promote ka sa trabaho. Pagbati niya: “Congrats, sana all.” Ramdam mo ang kaunting kirot sa tono, parang may kasamang kondisyon.

Mapagbilang “Naalala mo noong tinulungan kita?” Araw-araw mong pinaaalala. Ang tulong na may resibo, hindi kabutihan — negosyo. At sa huli, ikaw pa ang utang na loob. Halimbawa: Nagpadala ka ng report sa deadline niya, tapos kinakausap ka niya sa chat: “Uy, remember nung ginawa mo yung report last week? Ang galing mo talaga… eh sana next time mas mabilis ka na rin.” Ramdam mo yung pasanin, parang may interest fee sa kabutihan mo.

Politiko Ang kaibigan mo na parang politiko, nandyan lang kapag may kailangan. Tulad ng isang Politiko sa tuwing halalan. Halimbawa: Nandiyan siya lang kapag may event na kailangan ang connection mo. Pag nakatulong ka, biglang friendly; kapag wala, di mo na siya maabutan.

Anino Nawawala kapag madilim ang sitwasyon. Kapag kailangan mo sila, biglang nagiging busy, biglang di mo maabot. Halimbawa: May emergency ka, nag-text ka sa kanya. Read lang, wala ring sagot. Kinabukasan, normal na ang usapan, parang wala lang nangyari.

Beterano Palaging inuuna ang sarili at ginagamit ang buhay mo para ipakita ang sarili nila. Ang tagumpay mo, parang sahog sa kanilang palabas. Halimbawa: Ibinahagi mo ang iyong bagong achievement. Agad niyang ikinuwento ang sarili niyang karanasan, at ikaw lang ang background sa kwento.

Makapili Laging ikaw ang sisihin. Kapag may gulo, hindi sila nagrereklamo, hindi sila responsable. Ikaw ang target. Halimbawa: Nagkaroon ng misunderstanding sa grupo. Lahat ng tanong at galit ay nakatuon sa’yo, habang siya tahimik, walang kasalanan sa kanilang paningin.

Tsismosa Kung may balita tungkol sa iba, sila ang unang kumukulong detalye. Siguradong pinag-uusapan din ang buhay mo sa likod mo. Halimbawa: May nagkwento tungkol sa’yo sa social media. Kinabukasan, siya ang unang nag-comment: “Alam mo ba, si Black?” Ramdam mo na may palihim na bintana sa likod mo.

Parasite Laging humihingi ng oras, effort, at attention. Pero hindi nagbibigay pabalik. Relasyon nila parang utang na hindi mo binabayaran. Halimbawa: Lagi siyang nagpapahiram ng oras mo sa problema niya. Kapag ikaw naman ang nanghingi, biglang may excuse, lagi kang nagiging secondary.

Negosyante Mabuti lang kausap kapag may kapalit. Kapag wala kang maibigay, wala rin sila. Halimbawa: Nag-offer ka ng tulong o resources, biglang super friendly. Kapag wala kang maibigay, nagiging distant.

Most Promising Paulit-ulit na hindi tumutupad sa pangako. Hindi mo alam kung aasahan mo ba sila o hindi. Pagdating sa oras na kailangan mo, wala sila. Halimbawa: “Tara, tulungan mo ako sa project bukas ha?” sabi nila. Kinabukasan, wala. Text mo, di sinasagot. Tumawag ka, busy raw. Natutunan mo lang mag-adjust mag-isa.

Chameleon Iba ang mukha sa harap ng iba. Hindi consistent ang asal. Hindi mo sila kilala, at hindi rin nila kilala ang sarili. Halimbawa: Sa harap ng grupo, friendly at charming. Sa’yo, may ibang tono, ibang approach. Kahit sino ang kasama, iba ang hitsura niya.

Dictator Mahilig mang-utos. Ang pagiging kaibigan nila, parang checklist lang. Hindi mo ginawa ang gusto nila, nagiging malamig sila. Halimbawa: Sinabi mo na may iba kang plano. Agad siyang nagpakita ng disappointment, para bang may violation ka sa kanilang sistema.

Loaner Mahilig mangutang. Lagi kang pinagpapahiram at parang obligasyon mo ang magbigay. Kapag panahon na bayaran, biglang naglaho. Halimbawa: Hiniram ang bagong libro mo. Sinabi na babalik niya agad. Pagkatapos ng linggo, wala pa rin. Tumawag ka, di na maabutan.

Syempre hindi lang ito natatapos sa bente-uno. Ikaw nalang ang magsabi kung sino ang sino. I-comment mo lang kung trip mo.

Minsan dahil naging kaibigan ka nila, mapapaisip ka at masasabing, “Kilala ko yun, hindi naman siya ganun.” Tama naman, kilala mo siya. Pero baka kilala mo lang, pero kahit kailan hindi mo siya naging kabisado. --///--

Oh, how many times I’ve wanted to stop and sit… In the cold of winter, when the sun hangs just above my head, spilling shadows directly beneath me... For anyone to get warmed and want to bask like a cat.

I have to finish the work I’m supposed to do. I can’t stay here wasting even a minute of my time. This gorgeous-looking spot and the manipulating weather — they can’t hold me. I have to go. My work is waiting.

But maybe a few minutes can’t hurt, right? I'll rest for just a few minutes and then walk on my way. To where I'm supposed to be. Where no one's actually waiting for me. Where everybody is busy doing nothing exactly. Where I don’t belong. Where I don’t even fit.

Staring at this spot won't do. I'll just sit here for one minute to feel like there's something that I can do. At least I'm doing something — even if it's not remarkable, and I’m not proud of it. Holding these heavy weights. It looks like everybody is running, like it's the end of the world. It is the end of the world.

(By-cycle rings)

No, today, I've no time for this ..

i accuse you of needing to be right while standing on a pedestal i built of twigs and logs peaking just inches out of the ocean if you push me off we’re all drowning

i can’t be wrong about what I need fix me fix yourself first and then fix me too i can count on my fingers all the times i couldn't count on you yet i couldn't count on one hand all the times I could count on myself

i’m 3 miles below the ocean's surface now a submarine the color of who knows what it's too dark down here to tell and the pressure rings in my ears screaming why aren't you here to take the pressure off

i never learned how to work a submarine

i apologize again after scolding you for loving me the way you were forced to love your parents

i'd like to open up my sadness stroke it like a frightened kitten but it panics, it scratches, and i need someone to help take the blame for not holding it for the marks it keeps causing i can’t soothe it. can you? no? why not? damnit.

you deserve more patience than what i’ve given you more than a ruler slapping a desk top after a sleepless night more than a 6 month old puppy biting lightly

Truth,girls, pussy,vagina,crotch, private area, kitty, buns,boobs, tongue, face, body,

Curves, porn, boredom, 5 minute pleasure feels longer that 5 minutes

Constant feeding of the brain such

Throat parched

Private area reacts

Phone close

It's 7 am, a beautiful morning

Cold tho

Phone close

It feels like I'm missing something and I'll regret

Thinking of how to hold myself

Noise loud

It's 8 am

Still cold

Sleeping on the sofa

Tolerance day, no weed today

I just remembered Yeti

I thought I seem like him because he would say tolerance break then break it

Well I'm not

Sleep with my lighter cuz you know mom goes through my shit

Has me slit eyed, seeing things like a snake

Porn again

I'm torn between beating my shit and just living the day cuz I'll be fine

Bonnet on my head growing out freeforms

Still in my PJs

Family awake making noise

I'm still by the couch

Wish I had my own room

So I can zoom in on these thoughts

Maybe even have a place to beat my shit

Like please I would do that

7:59 a minute to 8

And I haven't ate

Now I'm thinking on how to rate my work

Now I'm thinking about pork

Porn

In my head I put you

In my heart you don't belong

So soo long

I would say

If I got payed for listening to me

Then I would be Elon mask

But I don't wear a mask

I'm free and unrestrained by normal laws

If I had a cat it would be fat but have skinny paws

I would teach it how to roar

So it can reach its ancestors

Porn

Sex actors

So free I say

But people pay for it

I wasn't planning to write but

I thought about ass

And I couldn't pass that thought

Purposes of our lives are really questionable but one thing we can do is to take ourselves out of these isochronal lifestyle and sometimes just appreciate our presence around the world. We must not know our purposes here but we are chosen to be a part of a world of living . We are so tangled up right from the birth till teenage to study our asses off and then suddenly the horrible transition into adulthood which brings about tons of responsibilities and till we figure out and bring our life together its already time to leave .

Life has a whole lot to offer if you see around yourself and observe this beautiful creation of life. Everything has something to say to you. Look at the sunrise, its telling you how you could purify the dark void inside you and start afresh every morning with new rays of living will. The birds chirping showing us how we are meant to talk ourselves out and not worry about being too loud and apologize for the "bad mannerism" ,how our thoughts and feelings are supposed to fly out there and not meant to be captivated in the cages of illiberality . A bright beautiful flower which has bloomed even though it'll die in a short span, It is still standing out there cheerful and bright for the time its alive. The nights ,which are not so scary as they are thought to be , rather they bring a breeze of calmness and peace with it ,a time just to rest our hustling mind and heart and slow down the pace of life for a bit ; that's what night tells us. When you look at all this with an offbeat perspective you sure would find meaning in everything .

why I can never forget you...

Sometimes I cry then smile