#agender thoughts

I've never had any dysphoria, but considering how nice it feels whenever I look in the mirror and see how flat I am... well, bigger boobs probably would have made me feel dysphoric.

Now that I think about it, I remember being in my mid teens, looking down on my chest when I was lying on my back in bed, and loving how flat i looked. This from a teen brain that was told every day that boobs were desirable. Should maybe have clued me in...

So anyway, sending a thankful thought to my mum in the great beyond tonight. <3

The way it's often used is like if people just used binary for men and women, and went no further

When I was younger and not out to myself as trans yet, I used to hate my small breasts. I’d often joke with my larger friends who wished they were smaller that life would be perfect if we could just swap mammaries.

Now I’m 36, out as agender and decidedly child free. And I have a pair it friends who’ve has waited so long to feel financially stable enough to have a child. But it’s just not happening. And I wish to fuck I could swap reproductive equipment with one of them because my mom had me at 36, so genetically speaking, chances are I could still get pregnant if I wanted to at this age without much trouble.

Or if I could swap with any of my trans feminine friends who wish they could bear children, that would be ideal too. Anyone who could make use of what seems useless to me, of what only causes me dysphoria. I wouldn’t be less dysphoric with a penis and testicles, but I wouldn’t be more either. It wouldn’t make a difference to me. My internal sense of self tells me that neither ought to be part of my body. So if I could swap and at least help someone else, it would be absolutely ideal.

I don't feel like it fits for me though. To me it's more that I don't care about this thing called gender. Other than occasionally because *aesthetics* lol. I'm just a person inhabiting a body. And neither my gender or the characteristics of my body matter. My assigned gender is neither right or wrong. I don't think of myself as a woman, but neither do I think of myself as anything else. I'm just me and my body is also me, and there is no mismatch.

At this point I'm feeling like agender might not even be the best label for the way I feel about gender... but I don't have anything that fits better at this point. I'm not cis, I know that much. Though I did think for the longest time that 'lack of discomfort with my assigned gender = cis'. Cis people tend to feel gender dysphoria and euphoria too though... and I experience neither.

But in lockdown I watched ppl on twitch, mostly friends bc it was lockdown, but (for anonymitys sake) they'd refer to me as "height" as a nickname of "heightjoke".

I swear I got some like- what I can only describe as gender euphoria (?) from that (???)

Does that mean I want people calling me "height"? No it was a dumb 2020 meme that happens to have stuck, I don't want that to become my whole personality.

But something about the instant acceptance of the name change, how I knew it meant me, and how it wasn't really a gendered name, nor a name at all actually, but it was used as one???????