#academic update

Something monumental happened in the thick of my final exam studies for my 3rd year as a science student. This will sound rough at first, but it ends triumphantly, which is why I must share!

I don't think I'm the first to be that kind of student that excelled effortlessly in high school, and then when university came, was made to question my capability, inducing a big ol bucket of imposter syndrome, self-conceived notions of ineptitude, and the limiting mindset that there was nothing I could do to change that.

What was my coping mechanism then that kept me going but didn't exactly reap the best results? It was knowingly self-sabotaging myself to not study enough, not put in 100% because why? I was more satisfied to receive a B or a C knowing I didn't put in my all, because it still kept the weird comforting thought I had that revolved around, "I would have gotten an A+ if I put in my best effort, so this is not an accurate representation of my academic competence".

I kept doing this then because I was scared to realize that even after putting in all the work, what if I don't get the result I worked hard for? what if I put in my all and finally have to face the truth that my best just isn't good enough? This belief crippled my first and second year's academic performance, the most inhibiting of a comfort zone I ever continuously upheld.

THIS DID NOT HAPPEN FOR MY WINTER TERM OF 3RD YEAR. Even if all my classes were forced home, with a useless and indifferent biochem 2 prof hellbent on leaving us students in the dark, tempting me to just take the F rather than subject myself to four weeks of mental turmoil.

I was in that state of mind lobbying between two contradicting impulses. The first side of me wanted to work hard, knowing I only had two and a half weeks left to teach myself and master three courses enough that I could ace the exams, and pass my classes. The first side believed that I could accomplish what I wanted of I just put my all. The second side was the crippling side, saying it was too late, how I could barely learn from the prof, how was I supposed to teach myself three courses worth in 3 weeks, and be good enough to ace my (now-online) final exams? (yes I failed the midterms of 2/3 of my courses so I had to get an A on a final in order to get a C in the course)

I finally did the thing I avoided for years since graduating highschool. The thing that ironically involved true failure but was the only way standing in the way of me believing wholeheartedly that I was capable of the success I wanted to experience.

With three weeks left before final exams, where I had not picked up anything uni-related because I was coping with the pandemic changes of rhythm in my life, I said, "I'm going to study the fucking hardest I have ever studied in my life. I will teach myself. I will read and write and practice over and over, and I do not care if I still fail in the end. I will fail earnestly, should I fail. I will succeed earnestly, knowing I'm putting all my being into something I care about, and that is my academic excellence. I don't care if I fail, I want to know that I truly put in my all."

Then began the most gruesome three weeks of my life (I did not pull any all-nighters as I was trying to optimize my mental and physical health with the headstrong dedication to my studies). Three weeks. There were tears, a lot of headaches, a lot of sore muscles, nightmares, and some slip ups.

April 18th - Biochem 2 final. 3 hours. 100 multiple choice questions. (I needed an A to get a C in the course)

April 20th- Toxicology. 2 hours. 35 mixed questions. (I needed 70% to get an A)

April 22nd - Stats 2. 3 hours and 15 min. 28 MC and 3 LA. (I needed an A to get a B+ in the course).

I put in my earnest all to study for these three courses and my final grades?

Biochem 2: C (got 82/100 on the final)

Toxicology: A

Stats 2: pending

For the first time in my uni life, I felt genuinely proud of myself because I finally faced the highest tier of failure that I actively ran from. I'm excited what I will continue to do, knowing that I had that in me.

Hello everyone! I meant to post this sometime over the weekend, but better late than never I suppose!

Grad Classes / Academic Update: 

For my Social Issues in Lit. and Media course, I’ve been busy doing all sorts of reading! Last week we were supposed to read three graphic novels and two multimedia works, before typing up an annotated bibliography of the works to submit to the class. This week, we’re focusing on books about social justice. The interesting thing about this course is that we are supposed to be including an age-range in our selections, so I’ve been reading a lot of children’s lit. (which means I’m getting to reread a lot of childhood favorites!). 

My Collection Management course is a bit less fun, and more administrative; we’ve been discussing online resources and e-books recently. For both of these courses I’ve had to write up journal entries describing my personal thoughts and ideas regarding the topics we cover - I might just post some excerpts onto this blog as well, as it will better illustrate what I’ve been up to recently, for those interested :)

Reading:

I wasn’t kidding when I said I’ve been constantly reading recently! Within the past week and a half or so, I’ve read all these for class (most of it could be labelled children’s or middle-grade lit., but I’ve got two YA works in there (top two listed):

The Call / Peadar O'Guilin

How To Be A Normal Person / T.J. Klune

Maximum Ride: The Manga, Vol. 1 / James Patterson & Narae Lee

Maximum Ride: The Manga, Vol. 2 / James Patterson & Narae Lee

Rickshaw Girl / Mitali Perkins

Inside Out and Back Again / Thanhha Lai

Hear My Sorrow: The Diary of Angela Denoto, a Shirtwaist Worker, New York City 1909 / Deborah Hopkinson

 Writing:

I haven’t really worked on my current WIP, and am still up in the air about whether or not to participate in Nanowrimo this November. I’m planning on taking a week-long trip that month, which would really throw my writing off. But, I have put some thought into plotting another idea I’ve had bouncing around in my head for awhile, which will be my go-to outline if I do decide to take on Nano!

I’ve also decided to start a Wordpress blog, in addition to this one (for more personal posts)! I think I’ll type my thoughts on that into a separate post, since this update is getting pretty long (I swear I meant for it to be much shorter!!) - I’ll link it to this post once I’ve written and published it :) (LINK HERE)

i've got Finance and Risk Management.

why do they not teach finance in high school? so many people would benefit from classes they only receive if they major in business/economics/finance or graduate courses.

its fucked up.

My courses this coming year for 3 terms:

- Vector Algebra, Calculus 2, Statistics 2, and Intro to Probability (for finishing up my maths minor required for when I apply for my BEd)

- Analytical chemistry, organic chemistry 2, and genetics 2 (and one more I need to research 3000 level Chem course) to finish up my 36 cr hours of chemistry and biology focus for my general science major

The plan today:

- register for my fall and winter schedules

- collect what I should be revising for the next month in preparation

- design my own desktop wallpaper that will have kind words for reminding myself to be gentle with myself

- recognizing that designing and drawing digitally sparks so much joy, thank goodness I have a new laptop that can now keep up with my pen and old drawing tablet

Later this week:

- make digital bujo spreads because they just make me happier than my on-paper spreads right now

12/01/18 as promised, an academic update:

this week marked the beginning of my last semester of my master’s.

~cue panic~

as i am wont to do, i’ve signed up for approximately eighty bajillion and three things. on top of my last seminar (for which i anticipate heaps of work, knowing the teacher) and my research project to complete by March, i still have an outstanding annotated bibliography—which i hope to finish by the end of the weekend, actually!—and i owe about 150hrs of research to my supervisor on my RA contract, who is the same person that is teaching the seminar. i also have two TA contracts this semester, one for the intro survey up until the reformation, which involves a 45min tutorial section held once a week, and the other for the online old english class, which is also taught by my supervisor. in terms of co-curriculars, i’m co-organizing my department’s graduate student conference happening in march, i am co-Editor-in-Chief (that’s a mouthful) of the associated journal issue/disguised colloquium proceedings, and i’m treasurer for the grad student association.

yikes.

at this moment in time, i have to say that, though there is a wild amount of work to be done in an incredibly short period of time, i’m not reacting the same way i would have 6 months ago. historically, when i feel overwhelmed like this, i tend to just… disconnect. which is Bad. i often deal with too much pressure by just ignoring everything and pretending im not even a human being–not eating, not sleeping properly, not showering, not talking to anyone, etc. you get the idea. it is Not Good. 

but right now? im aware of the pressure, i can feel the stress, but it’s not overwhelming me. im keeping a somewhat decent schedule, i’ve worked out a couple times this week (just a fast 20mins on the elliptical, but enough to get my breathing and heart rates up & some sweat sliding). i’m not doing too great on the healthy eating, but that’s not because of an inability to prepare anything else–only due to bad choices ;)

and when i wake up, after i have a cup of coffee, when i think about the work that’s waiting for me, i don’t feel that sickly dread that pushes me to basically dissociate. i feel… Determination. i feel like if i put in the work, i can do this. it’ll be hard, but what’s worth having that was easy? if getting an master’s degree was easy, everyone would have one, right? if building a competitive CV and applying to phd programs were easy, everyone would be doing it, and it would mean nothing, it wouldn’t have as much value. so im going to lean in to the hard work that needs to be done, and im going to appreciate the fact that i have this opportunity to do it. 

that doesn’t mean that it won’t challenge me and push me and stretch me. that doesn’t mean that there won’t be points at which all i want to do is have a good cry. i can’t know how i’ll feel in the future. but i can say that right now, im going to buckle down and work hard for that future. and that’s an attitude that i haven’t been able to drum in what feels like years, honestly.