I acknowledge that certain characters aren't Bruce's kids and don't see him as a father figure. But, I love the idea that he keeps marrying their caretakers just to shut them up. Pulling his finest brucie attitude with them.
Gordon: What the fuck
Bruce: *wearing a tux with flowers and a ring.* Babs is being mean, she said I'm not her dad and can't bench her
Bruce: I want to form an alliance, you marry me. I give you spousal support,insurance and the latest in technology
Gordon: you do that already
Gordon: I want a houseboat
Bruce: you want to live off the harbor? Yknow what i don't care. Signy signy the paper.
*one long courthouse wedding later*
Gordon: You hid the evidence right? Good enough to stop her?
Bruce: Yes, now are we gonna consumate here?
Gordon: I could be your father
Bruce: I'll call you daddy
***
Crystal Brown: Can I help you? Did you nearly kill my daughter again?
Bruce: *holding a rose in his mouth in the batsuit and spits it out* No, I wanted to proposition you.
Crystal, tired from a 12-12 shift: What
Bruce: Marry me? Pretty please? I'll be better than your last husband.
Crystal: What
Bruce: your daughter is bullying me and won't let me bench her. And now that my son cheated on her, there's no incest. I'll give you whatever
Crystal: I have student-
Bruce: Done. You wanna house? I can get you a house? Spousal support of about 500k a month?
Crystal: I feel like a prostitute
Bruce: Don't worry, we will only fuck if you want to.
***
Lucius Fox: Whatever this is no, im married
Bruce: *in a wedding dress with a marriage certificate* But-
Lucius: Is this why you have so much that goes out every month? Youve been paying off spouses
Bruce: No, ive been paying off ex-spouses
Bruce: pretty please, we can divorce right after
Bruce: *giving his finest pout* All of your kids havent been listening, because "Im literally almost your age." Or whatever.
Lucius, who dealt with worse with the swinging waynes: Ill talk to Tanya, but it will only be on paper. No weird shit
Bruce: Yay
Lucius, later: I need to stop caving
Tanya: You said that when he was a teenager, and when he became batman, and when he lied through his teeth over every injury, and when he got Luke into his mess, and you say the same with his sons. I doubt you will now.
Tanya: anyways, BatTam wants to extend her allowance so she can mess with the other batgirls.
