Astral-Starseed Girl

Notes:

Polyvore Outfit idea for the fic in case you wanted to see it!! (Feel free to ignore it tho</3)

“Can we try it?” 

Shin can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. His brain has temporarily been shut down— and for a moment it seems as if the world has stopped spinning.

You want to have sex, and you want to have it with him? Your first? Your very first one ? You want to lose your virginity to him?

Shin can sense the discomfort in your body language before he can even hear your thoughts. You’re thinking he doesn’t want to, which is very untrue! He wants to! He really does! He just doesn’t know if he can live up to your expectations (if you have any)— and he doesn’t want to disappoint you. Ever.

Shin would be lying if he said he’s never thought about having sex with you (He's jerked off so many times to the thought of you that he feels guilty seeing you the next day after). Although he'd never admit this to you, obviously.

It’s your first, so it has to be special. He wants you to feel special— he wants you to feel comfortable, to feel safe, to make it memorable for you-- but he doesn’t know how to translate that into sex. He’s not exactly oozing with sex appeal, nor is he that experienced enough to make an impression.

But now he has to, he absolutely has to-- for you. 

The thought of anyone else having you in that setting sets his heart into cardiac arrest, and a vein in his head feels ready to burst.

So in all matters of utter seriousness and tenacity, Shin replies to you, instantaneously.

“I WANT TO!” 

His voice echoes throughout the empty neighbourhood. 

Startled, you stare at him dumbfounded before slapping his shoulder repeatedly, quietly reprimanding him for talking too loudly.

“If you wake up the whole neighbourhood, we won't do it!”

Shin looks mortified at your response, a small frown appearing on his face as he apologises. 

“Do you— what do you want to do?” asks in a hushed tone, unsure. 

Your mind is a buzz of incoherent thoughts, like a bee buzzing through flowers, it races through different answers, uncertain of set one.

“I-I don’t know really, I just…” You look away from him for a moment, unable to meet his eyes, your blush making you glow like a firefly in the summer night.  

“I just wanna know what it feels like, I’ve thought about it actually... I’ve thought about it quite a lot to be honest…” you whisper the last few words quietly, but Shin hears you nonetheless, he feels the tip of his ears burning hot.

“But, I only want to do it with you!" you say firmly, eyes meeting his. Shin stares back at you in awe, and for some reason it makes you falter, you suddenly turn bashful, voice now barely above a whisper.

"I-if... you’re okay with it, that is...”

Your grip falls to the ends of his sleeves. Eyes slowly raking up his arm before silently meeting his eyes once more, he can practically see the heart eyes forming in your irises— it sends a shiver down his spine.

“…”

You’re so cute. You’re too cute, Shin wants to eat you alive.

“Do you…” Shin coughs, clenching the hand hidden inside his pocket, tightly. “Do you wanna do it now or…?” 

Your eyes widen in surprise, looking at him in alarm.

“Wait, I didn’t mean now, now, like—“

Ah shit, was that too soon? Did he really just fuck up right now, do you think he’s some type of perverted asshole who wants to rush these types of things immediately?—

You snort, letting out a small huff that quickly turns into full-blown laughter. So much for not waking up the neighbours.

You’re turning bright red— from laughing or from sheer embarrassment from Shin’s actions, he doesn’t know. But you look beautiful like this, laughing freely as you hold onto the arm that you were just hitting for stability. 

Pouting, Shin manoeuvres you into a tight hug, burying your face in his shoulder to muffle your laughter— and also so that you don’t have to see him turning redder than you, and giving you another reason to laugh louder.

“Oh Shin, you lil weirdo, you absolute dork, my pookie, my baby, my snookums, my—“ 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it!”

You pull away from his grip to stare straight into his eyes, smiling from ear to ear, face still powdered red from laughter, the remnants of it cakes your face delicately, highlighting your features. Without thinking, Shin kisses the bridge of your nose, then your brow bone, then your eyes— he peppers your face in small kisses until your laughter turns into small giggles. Despite the frigid cold of the night, he feels so warm. He wants to imprint this memory into his mind, keep it locked away inside his heart forever. Keep the sound of your laughter inside a cassette tape so he can listen to it whenever he wants.

Is this what Mr. Sakamoto felt whilst dating Aoi-san? Is this what he left the assassin world for? Shin thinks he can chase after this same feeling of bliss with you for the rest of his life. He thinks he could live a thousand lives and still never deserve you.

You hum into his embrace, swaying with him back and forth as you bury yourself further into his neck.

“Do you wanna do it tomorrow after my classes? If you’re free, that is?”

“Yeah, s-sure! I'll pick you up tomorrow.” 

The weather is cold in Tokyo, -5’C with strong winds and minor snow fall. 

In spite of the frigid atmosphere, Shin has never felt warmer in his entire life, lost in the embrace with the person he loves the most.

You finish class at 16:30. Shin looks at his phone, it’s 16:15. 

He asked (begged) Lu to watch over the store so he can finish early and take you out on a date.  It took a few more minutes of bribing for her to finally agree, two bags of snacks on his paycheck wasn't an issue, it's Mr. Sakamoto finding out he left work early to come see you when he wasn't supposed to.

It's not like Shin picking you up from your campus was unheard of from him and Aoi-san, in fact he's done it a handful of times before you even started dating, especially after the bounty on Mr. Sakamoto was revealed. Mr. Sakamoto tasked him and Lu to pick you up interchangeably throughout the week, although Shin is the only one who does it now (much to Lu's displeasure).

Opening up your messages to look at your last chat— Shin is greeted by your message bubble already popping up on the screen—before going down— then popping up again.

You text several times, the bubble disappearing and reappearing again on his screen. You’re still typing, probably trying to ask about yesterday’s conversation but don’t know how to address it to him directly. 

And you’re also probably embarrassed. 

Letting out a small chuckle, Shin takes it upon himself to text you first— like the good boyfriend that he is.

“Lmao”

It’s all he sends. A shit eating grin making its way on his face, as he waits for your reply.

Your message bubble disappears for a few seconds before you finally send him a sticker of a cute bunny holding up a middle finger.

Amused, he types out another reply— seriously this time.

“I’m outside the gates.” 

He lets out an airy sigh, a small smile creeping its way up his face. It feels weird—he feels like a major creep for being excited. It’s not so much the getting to see you naked aspect that makes him enthusiastic to see you (partly). 

It’s a different type of excitement. He feels the same way every-time he has to pick you up from campus (heart accelerating as he sees you running up to him with a bright smile present on your face, even though he saw you earlier that morning to drop you off), although he’d never make it abundantly clear to you. 

He’s happy enough with the fact that you think of him in the same light whenever you see him outside the gates.

He tried to be nonchalant during your first few dates, scared you might feel less interested with how much he felt like bursting from happiness that he got to score a date with you— only to read your mind to see you blaming yourself for him being uninterested, it broke his heart. He hopes he never makes you feel that way ever again. He’d probably kill himself from shame first before Aoi-san can get to him. Well she might do so now, if she finds out what you're both about to do.

He tries not to think too much about it. Mr. Sakamoto wouldn’t forgive him if he did so.

But it’s the fact that you trust him so much you told him you only want to do it with him. Shin has had past relationships before, although none of them ever lasted long (and a childish part of him prays—wishes, yours would last for much much longer). Shin has never felt the same way he does with you than with anyone else.

He faintly remembers the smile on your face, the way your cheeks reddened as you hid your face in his shoulder. How the warmth of your hand lingered on his arm— holding onto him just a second longer as you kissed his cheek after he had dropped you off back to your house. 

He felt like he was walking on cloud nine.

He wants to cherish that memory forever. 

Shin stares at his wallpaper on his phonescreen, the picture you both took on your second date, but the selfie is zoomed in on you. 

And just like magic, his phone dings, your name popping up on screen.

If he was a dog, his tails would probably be wagging intensively right now.

It feels nice to be wanted. To be cherished not for your ability to kill others, but because your existence matters to someone. Shin has been boxed his entire life, compartmentalised by his first family and peers. He’s never been truly wanted. His father didn’t want him, the people in the lab he grew up in grew to fear him, every criminal organisation he’s been part of didn’t want him unless he proved himself useful to their whims, Mr. Sakamoto was the first person to have ever truly accepted him.

But Shin understands, he has to. If he didn’t have this sort of ability, he wouldn’t trust anyone who had it either.

But you only ever looked at him with quiet wonder. Working your way around his ESP so you can befriend him whilst also keeping yourself safe— he didn’t feel offended by it, if anything, you still treated him the same way in spite of it, even communicating with him via telepathy when you wanted to talk shit about a customer. You relied on him in spite of his reputation, still allowing yourself to relax freely in his presence.

With the exception of when you read your racy fanfic or your (questionable) doujins. In which you’d often hide far away from him (even though he would still end up knowing what you were reading based on how loud your thoughts are as you read).

Despite his quirks, you made him feel as if everything was going to be okay, that he wasn’t any less deserving of love or understanding even for his invasive ability. You loved him all the same— assured him that you'd continue to do so even with his past mixed in. He wants to know if you’ll let him love you even in his future.

He imagines a life similar to this. 

He’s just finished his shift at the Sakamoto Store and he’s waiting for you to come out of your work building. Warm drink in hand as he takes your hand in his, walking the familiar path towards your shared home. 

It feels embarrassing to be thinking like this when you’ve only been dating for eight months.

Still the two of you have both talked extensively about your plans for the future, and it's only then that Shin had started seriously considering his-- though when you asked Shin about his own plans, he could never really give you a proper answer, he didn't want to disappoint you with how little he had figured out. The way your eyes light up as you talk about it with him creates a tight feeling inside his chest. But upon sensing his reluctance, you didn't push the topic further.

Shin feels abashed to admit he had never imagined a future beyond what he has now.

It was easier thinking that way. The life of an assassin didn’t guarantee he would live to see the next day, let alone the next week. Even after fighting tooth and nail to live as far as he did now— dreaming about the future, his future, without any pains or hardships— it almost felt unrealistic. It was better to stay rooted in the present, than to place his hopes in uncertainty, than to daydream about something that may never come.

But after working under Mr. Sakamoto for the past few months, after abandoning his old life as a hitman in exchange for a normal civilian life, after meeting Aoi-san, Hana-chan, Heisuke, Lu, and you— somewhere along the way, he found himself wanting more, wanting to protect the life he had accidentally stumbled into.

Shin finally allowed himself to start dreaming of something that once felt so out of reach from his younger self.

He taps on your icon. You sent a picture of him sitting near the cafe in front of your uni. A heart sign formed by your index and thumb near his head. 

“Done!! <3”

He lets out a quiet laugh, glancing towards the window where you would have taken the photo. And there, he spots you, a wide grin on your face as you make a peace sign at him. You're collecting your items, placing them in your bag as you run out of the room.

A few moments later, he spots you once more, running towards him, bag lugging behind you and laptop held tightly to your chest.

Shin stands, letting his feet carry him to you, moving to meet you halfway. 

In a matter of seconds, you're in Shin’s arms, giggling to yourself as you nuzzle your face in his shoulder. Your infectious energy pouring into him, he laughs as he hears the buzz of excitement in your thoughts. 

“Did you wait for too long?” You ask, voice muffled by his sweater.

Shin snorts, his hand coming to rest atop your head, “Nah, you’re just in time.”

You talk happily about your day— dreading how many readings you have to do for next week, the case studies you still need to write, and your classmate’s boyfriend and her secret situationship being in the same class. You jump between various topics, wanting to tell Shin about everything that crosses through your mind, knowing that whatever it is, he’ll listen to you no matter what. His eyes soften at your thoughts, nodding along to your words. 

He wouldn’t mind doing this everyday with you (he wouldn’t mind doing this for the rest of his life, actually). 

Shin takes your bag without a word, carrying it for you as you walk alongside him, hands intertwined.

“So, where are we going?” You ask, smiling. 

He squeezes your hand lightly as you both cross the street.

“I was thinking of getting lunch first, how about you? What do you wanna do first?”

You hum. “Dunno, I thought we would just get into it.” You say plainly, innocently. 

Shin exhales through his nose, scratching his cheek with his free hand, the tips of his ears turning red.

“How about we eat first, have you had anything to eat yet?” He redirects your question, he can’t just do you like that!

You nod your head, “Yeah, a little bit. Not much though, how about you, did you have any lunch?” 

“I only had breakfast,”

Your nod turns slow. “Right, so like…only coffee and maybe some energy drinks in between the day?” You say, raising a brow at him.

Shin shakes his head, “No— I’m eating better nowadays!”. 

I’m trying to eat better for you, is what he wants to say. He's been working on fixing a lot of the bad habits he picked up from living on his own, trying his best to commit to the Sakamoto family rules.

He’s glad you can’t read his mind, or else he’d feel too embarrassed to be holding your hand right now.

“I had eggs on toast, and some coffee. I’m trying to cut back on the energy drinks— as hard as it is…” 

It’s hard to find any energy in the day, when all he wants to do is read manga, go to work, see you and then go back to sleep.

Eating nowadays feels like another task to be done rather than something to enjoy for Shin.

But in spite of his lackluster relationship with food, he hopes you're still eating well.

“What did you have for lunch?” He asks, looking over at you.

“I had breadpan and some juice for lunch-- and another breadpan in class.”  you list them off, counting on your fingers.

Shin can only sigh. “Of course... Let’s get you something to eat first, sounds good?”

You let out a small laugh, “Yeah, duh! Do you wanna eat at the restaurant or at the park?”

“Which one do you prefer?” Shin asks.

You want to eat at the park, that’s why you're asking– is what Shin can gather from your thoughts. But he wants to hear you say it explicitly instead of having him assume the decision for you.

“I wanna eat at the park!” you say, looking at him expectantly for his answer.

Shin smiles, “Then let’s go with that.”

There’s less people here today, only a few kids scattered around playing ball and hopscotch. Relatively normal.

Shin scans the surroundings carefully with practised ease as you lead him towards the bench facing the fountain. 

You can never be too sure, he thinks to himself. Especially with you by his side. He’s not taking any chances when it comes to your safety

You're already dividing the food into your orders. Sitting across from him as you set everything down. 

You unpack the plastic bags on the bench, taking out your orders as Shin gives one more once over behind him, before facing you again. Although your face maintains its neutral happy glint, he hears your thoughts practically salivate over the food.

He always finds you in this state after your classes. He wonders how you manage to go so long without eating properly before he picks you up from class.

You open the sauce packets one by one, placing them neatly to the side as Shin starts unwrapping his food.

You’ve both eaten here before. Although he tries to switch up the places that you eat at every time he takes you out for dinner, or lunch after your classes, you always seem to order a variation of the same things every time, so when Shin orders something different— you start glancing at him discreetly, thoughts carefully contained, sometimes even distracting yourself in trying to hide your deeper feelings, too shy to ask if you can try some of his portion. 

And you’re doing it again now. 

Without much fanfare, Shin offers you his burger, and you stare at it with wide eyes. 

“Want some?” He offers. 

You nod your head quickly, offering him yours in return as you take a bite out of his. You let out a pleased hum. Smiling warmly, cheeks filled with food. 

And like some lovesick idiot, his heart stutters at the sight. Shin clenches his teeth, gripping the drink in his hand more tightly. Act cool, act cool– you’re in public, everything else can wait later, just focus on the drink your drink for now–

You nudge your food closer to Shin, willing him to take it. Shin takes the food from your hands, settling his thoughts down with the warm, savoury taste of your meal.

After eating you both clean up the area. Packing everything away in the same plastic bag before disposing of it. As Shin throws away the bag, he comes face to face with you, a spray in hand, motioning it to him. A practiced routine, Shin doesn’t have to read your mind to know you're asking for his hands to spray the sanitizer on. Shin complies easily, rubbing his hands together before wiping them on his pants. Not eager to wait for them to dry before he can hold your hands in his once more.

You both arrive in Shin’s apartment not long after, making a quick stop to the nearest convenience store to grab some snacks before making your way back. 

He sets your bag down beside his own items on the floor. 

You sit on his bed. Biting your lip as you avoid his gaze. Shin can hear your scattered thoughts, and his expression turns into one of concern.

You’re nervous. 

Now what? You think to yourself, hands fidgeting anxiously in your lap as your heart races inside your chest. Should I start by taking my jacket off… or?—

You’ve been to Shin’s room before. You’ve slept, made-out and cuddled on his bed (probably even drooled on his pillow) numerous times.

But right now, you feel strangely out of place.

You don’t see a reason why you should be so nervous by just being here. You’ve barged inside here even before you started dating!— Get a grip! It’s not a noteworthy thing!

Shin gives you a worried look. 

He’s not scared you don’t want to do this, he’s worried that you might be forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do just to please him.

It’s not the first time you’ve done so.

Shin sits himself a respectable distance away from you, giving you just enough space to outstretch your hand— the action seems to surprise you, as you look back at Shin fully with wide eyes. 

He’s surprised at the stream of thought that follows soon after.

Why is he so far-way? Shin, do you not want this?’

“I-I do!” He replies hurriedly, not realising he responded to your thoughts. He swallows, inching himself closer to you.

“I just… I thought it would be better to give you a little bit of space since you looked so nervous…” he says, scratching his cheek “We don’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable, I can wait!— we can just cuddle on the bed, or watch movies, or binge that new series you wanted to watch!”

“But I wanna have sex.” Is your quick response. Eyes dilated as you stare at him like a cat about to pounce.

It’s now Shin’s turn to avoid your gaze, face flushed red as you stare at him intently. He feels himself grow smaller in your watchful eyes.

“But I want to.” You reiterate, closing the gap between you two, hand coming over to rest on his arm, and Shin feels every bit of the warmth from your gentle touch.

“I-I really wanna do it with you Shin… I’m just scared I won’t know what to do, I want to make this enjoyable for you too…” Your voice cracks at the end. 

In your thoughts, Shin sees articles and blog posts of men complaining about being their partner’s first. He sees the time— 2:09 AM, the bright screen of your laptop showing  multiple tiny tabs, all pointers, dos and don’ts of sex, of helping your partner enjoy themselves, of helping them orgasm. Of getting them to come first. None of the tabs nor blog posts detail how you can satisfy yourself— they all focused on pleasuring your partner— in pleasing him.

Shin places his hand over yours. You jolt at the contact.

“Are you sure you want this?” Shin asks, softly. “I really don’t mind if we don’t do it now,” he says, squeezing your hand in his. If you’re going to stress yourself out this much by trying to bring him pleasure, treating it as if it’s a test you need to pass— Shin doesn’t think he can go through with this with you, it kills him to know you would place his wants much higher than your own. 

Your expression falters, “You read my mind…” you mumble, disappointment lacing your tone.

Shin’s stomach churns, cold dread washing over him in waves, dousing him in shame for his invasive ability, “Sorry, I-I didn’t mean to, I just—“

Realising how clipped your response was, you wave your hands in front of you frantically. “No! I-it’s okay Shin! I understand. You can’t help it.” You try to reassure him. 

Your eyes drift away from his, “It’s just... embarrassing. Having you of all people find out that I’ve been googling ‘how to sex’ on reddit of all places…" you groan, letting out a long sigh, "It's so cringe..."

Shin laughs lightly at your words, still, he apologises. Guilt still gnawing at his senses.

“I just want to make this enjoyable for you, because knowing you— you’d probably try your best to do the same for me as well,”

You turn fully to face Shin, hand lifting slowly towards him, brushing over a loose strand of hair from his face, before settling on his cheek, cupping it against your palm, the warmth of it coursing through your fingertips, soft and tender. 

Shin finds himself melting into the contact, who wouldn’t? To be touched so gently, so tenderly— he’s not used to this type of affection, something so pure and full of love— it cracks something inside him. 

“I want this, Shin. And I want it to be with you, nobody else…” you say. There’s a slight waver at the tail-end of your voice— shaky and nervous, but the resolve in your eyes reassures him you mean every word of it.

You lean in closer to Shin, your warmth sends a pleasant buzz through his skin, he can smell the hint of vanilla, and the sweet undertones of your perfume. 

(He’ll never tell you this, but it’s a comforting smell, one that brings about memories of both shame and happiness—he remembers how excited he gets before, when he smells your perfume waft through the air— signalling your presence in the store, or in Sakamoto and Aoi-san’s house. His eyes drifting aimlessly, waiting for you to appear, waiting to see your familiar silhouette)

It doesn’t take long for Shin to meet you halfway into it, leaning forward to seal his lips onto yours. He kisses you softly, gently, pressing soft pecks to your lips before he envelopes them fully in his own. Your lips are soft, supple, he can taste the hint of sweetness from your lip gloss. 

His hand moves instinctively, finding its way to your sides, finger tracing downwards until they reach your lower back, slipping through your shirt to trace the supple skin underneath. You shiver under his touch, his name leaving your lips in a disbelieving breath, soft and sweet and tender. Just like the tinge of peppermint on your tongue. Shin sighs softly through the kiss. 

He can hear the pleasant hum of your thoughts. And he feels a faint tug on the edge of his lips.

You inch yourself closer, leaning forward as you pull your legs onto the bed, refusing to part from his lips as you place yourself between his legs. He presses against your lower back, urging you to come closer, to be nearer. The distance feels too long, and he wants you as close to him as much as possible. You break away from the kiss momentarily, crawling towards him, positioning yourself until you’re straddling him, your front now seated near his crotch, he can almost feel the warmth of your core, see the vague outlines of your lace panties slipping through your pants— he swallows, sitting himself up. It’s probably too late, there’s already a tent in his pants, you would’ve already seen it—he’s hard, he’s so hard it hurts. He doesn’t have much time to mull over his thoughts when your hands cup his face to press another kiss to his mouth. Sealing your lips once again with his. 

He feels your hand slip into his sweater, deft fingers trailing light, fleeting touches from his stomach all the way up to his chest, heat pools from his face down to his neck, a quiet shiver running down his spine at the unfamiliar—but welcome sensation.

A surprised grunt escapes him, his eyes fluttering open just in time to meet your slightly opened ones. For a brief moment, you both don’t look away, holding each other’s gaze for as long as you both can before you let out a small chuckle at his reaction. The sound sends a current of warmth to his chest, to his cheeks.

You’re so cute Shin, you say in your thoughts. Shin wants to disagree, vehemently. But with how you’re looking at him right now— he feels as if he couldn’t say no to you even if you told him he looked like shit (he knows you wouldn’t, but having a hot girlfriend makes it hard not feel like one when everyone around you seems to think you could do so much better).

He feels the slow grind of your hips on his crotch, it knocks the air out of his throat when you gyrate your hips into a familiar rhythm— one that has him choking on air, he lets out a silent hiss at the feeling. The sound makes you look up at him in worry, eyes widened slightly. 

Shin waves his hand frantically.

“No— no, it’s fine. It just surprised me!” 

He fumbles for a response, he can’t trust his words to deliver a satisfying response so instead his hands reach for your hips, pressing you down onto his leg, grinding you even further onto him, despite the layers of clothing separating you, he can feel the warmth of your cunt on his leg. You let out a breathless shudder at the feeling. 

You’ve done this in the past, some makeout sessions stretching far longer than just swapped breaths and intertwined tongues; you grind on his thigh, his own boxers on you as he presses his leg up your dripping cunt— although it was never with the intention of having sex. He’d cum in his pants, and he’d help you finish with his fingers. In all aspects of intimacy, Shin always makes sure you finish first, although you thought otherwise.

You let out a shaky moan. Hands coming up to rest on his chest as you continue your motions. Your entire body warms with red hot desire. It’s not enough, you want more. You stop momentarily to remove your pants, Shin helps you, fumbling as you lift yourself up just enough to slip off the piece of clothing. Not wanting to stop, you press yourself back onto Shin’s thigh, the warmth now even more present with only your panties separating your slightly damp pussy from him. Shin thumbs the lace of your panties, eyes catching onto the cute bow just in the middle of it. 

You press your mouth onto his once more, catching the moan that slips past his lips.

“God, you feel so good…” he says between kisses, words slow and drawn out, he feels lightheaded, almost airy at the sensation of your hips pressing against him, of the shared warmth of your core pressing against his, eliciting a pleasurable friction despite the clothes separating you. 

You tug at the hem of his sweater, and he complies with your silent demand, shrugging off his clothes. 

You let out a light laugh, desire blooms in your chest, warming your body in ways you didn’t know possible. You push Shin onto his back, as your tongues continue to snake against each other. It’s not enough, you think to yourself— you need more. The tight knot deep inside your core wants more. You break away from the kiss, a thin string of saliva connecting the two of you as you pull away. You finger ghost over his belt, tracing the outline of his jeans, hanging dangerously close to the tent pitching up his pants, quietly asking him to take it off.

Just like the first time, Shin obliges. Unbuckling his belt and removing his jeans. The tent on his boxers is now even more apparent. Now, you feel oddly flustered by the sight. Should you even be looking? Would that mean you're too eager? Too engaged? Would that be okay? Would Shin mind if you touch it—? 

You shake the thoughts away, lost in the moment as you remember Shin can read your mind throughout all of this. You’re akin to a red lobster now with how red your face has turned.

Shin tries to keep a straight face, although the slight tug of his lips betrays him— watching as you jump from lust to quick embarrassment, he can hear your thoughts loud and clear, the tip of his ears burning red, he can already tell from the way you look at him (almost like you want to devour him whole) that you want more— 

And like the good boyfriend that he is, he’ll give you everything you want and more.

Shin urges you to switch places. You follow his instructions. Taking his place, you part your legs for him instinctively. And before you know it, you can feel Shin’s warm breath on your clothed cunt. You try to pull it off, lifting your bottom to give him better access— but Shin places a hand over your own. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to do anything, let me take care of you…” he says cooly, placing small kisses to the inside of your thighs, one hand tracing soothing circles on the other, the action sends shivers down your spine.

Shin swallows, deeply. Fingers tracing circles around your clothed slit. He parts your thighs, slotting his head between them.

You feel the warmth of his mouth as he continues to press small kisses down the valley of your thigh before stopping on your clothed cunt.

Shin nudges your inner cleft, and you jolt in surprise at the feeling.

“Sorry!— was that too much?” He asks quickly, you shake your head. 

“No, please… keep going…” 

You can’t help but admire the calm look on Shin's face, the slight hunger in his eyes as he mouths the wet patch on your panties. You love the way his hair frames his face perfectly, sticking to his skin, his eyes meet yours for a brief moment, and he smiles. He lets out a small laugh, you can feel his warm breath on your dripping cunt. Somehow the divide makes it even more pleasing on your senses. The feeling makes you squirm, inching closer towards him.

You might just nut from the sight of him alone.

Shin licks a long stripe along your slit, slipping a hand inside your underwear to press one finger inside your dripping cunt, all while he suckles on your clit from the thin patch of your underwear. 

“Ahhh…Shin…” you let out a breathy moan. Hands gripping onto the sheets, you widen your legs as much as you can. The slight stretch making you feel a bit sore.

Shin gives your pussy one last long suck before pulling your panties down. 

You can spot the giant wet spot on your underwear as it gets displaced by the edge of the bed.

With nothing separating you from him, Shin eats you out like a man starved, alternating between licks and slurps while his other hand rubs circles over your clit. The pleasure is so overwhelming it leaves you nearly delirious, at some point you can feel his tongue push into your dripping hole, drawing slow circles before your tight insides desperately squeeze around it. A white-hot blur overtakes your vision, your back arches and your head lolls back into the pillows, thighs clamping tight around his head, chanting Shin’s name like a heavenly prayer.

It doesn’t take long for you to come, legs shaking as you spill your juices across Shin’s face. It takes a moment for you to realise what’s happened, head still hazy from seeing stars, until Shin’s face slowly comes into view, only then does everything fully sink in.

You instantly remember that one line from that sex blog about letting your partner know you’re about to cum, and your eyes shot open. Shin mirrors your reaction, eyes widening before softening, his hand makes its way to your cheek.

“Are you okay? Do you still want to continue?” he asks.

You nod, placing your hand on top of his as you lean in closer to his touch.

“Yeah… let’s keep going, want to make you cum too, after all,” you say between breaths.

Shin hums at your answer, leaning forward to seal his lips with yours once more, you moan as you taste yourself on his lips. You feel his hands ghost over your thighs before coming down to trace two fingers up your slit, overstimulation from your previous orgasm makes your senses go on overdrive, and you jolt upwards against his touch. Another knot curling itself deep inside your core.

Shin slips one finger inside you, you moan into the kiss, and as if testing your reaction from the initial slip, he inserts another finger inside you. He prepares you carefully, pushing in and out before going deeper, doing a scissoring motion to stretch you further, a lewd sound of wet schlicks coming out of your already dripping cunt. You let out a little whine as he inserts a third finger.

“Shin… want more…” you pant.

Your hands slide against his body, tracing hard muscle and scar tissues as he continues preparing you for his cock.

Your hand reaches the lining of his boxers, thumb slipping inside, eyes pleading with him to take it off.

“Okay, okay, don’t be too impatient, we’re getting there,” he says with a light laugh.

He slips off his boxers, precum already slipping past the head of his dick. Shin almost doubles over you when he hears the loud rush of excitement booming inside your thoughts. He lets out a yelp of surprise.

“You’ve seen my dick before, why are you cheering?” He asks, brows furrowed. His bewildered expression contrasting greatly with the deep shade of red that blooms across his face.

“Because…” you drag out the words playfully, smile deceptively coy “it’s going inside me this time!” 

Shin closes his eyes for a second, letting out a deep sigh (he thinks he’d be perfectly okay with the ground swallowing him up right now).

Then, as if remembering something, Shin quickly moves towards his bedside table, grabbing the lube and pack of condoms from the drawer, he pulls open the packet of condoms from the sachet with his teeth.

Swallowing, Shin shuffles himself closer between your legs, you’re on your elbows now, eyes keenly observing him as he puts the condom and lube on his cock, the quiet fascination in your eyes makes him feel slightly embarrassed. 

‘Do you think we should add some music next time?’

Is what Shin hears from your thoughts, although he knows that question is addressed directly towards him.

“Sure, why not? You want some music right now?” He asks, closing the bottle of lube with a small “click”.

You shake your head, “Nope, not right now. Maybe next time, I wanna hear you gasping and moaning loud and clear for my first time!” 

Shin nearly chokes at your response.

The mirth in your voice, and the fact that you’re actually being genuine about your words makes him want to tear his hair out. But at the same time, he’s relieved that you feel more relaxed now. 

He positions himself between your legs once more, inserting his fingers again experimentally, watching his fingers get swallowed easily by your wet pussy. He watches as your hole squeezes over nothing as he pulls away, earning a whine of protest from you. 

Aligning himself with your hole, Shin takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. He nudges the tip of his cock to your entrance.

“I'm gonna put it in now. Just relax okay? Lay your head down if you want to. I’ll talk you through it…”

Shin begins to push inside you, his head slipping into your expecting cunt, you’re tight, Shin pushes away the fear of doubt as he asks it feels, and you only give him a pleased hum, eyes half-lidded as you take in shallow breaths. He drops onto his elbows, wanting to feel closer to you, eyes meeting yours. Shin starts off slow, letting you get used to the stretch before pushing his cock further inside you, drinking in every shift in your expression. He thrusts in weakly, asking you if you feel alright all throughout it. 

Your hands find purchase on Shin’s back, nails tracing over hard lines of muscle.

Once he’s bottomed out, a broken whimper escapes your throat, and he feels your plush walls clamping up— tightening around him. 

“Ahh— fuck…!”

He lets out a choked moan, hiding himself against your shoulder as he stops momentarily, leg shifting to the side as he controls his weight from bearing down on you, trying to press most of his weight on his knees to better control his movement. 

Shin hears the hazy buzz of your thoughts, the small trickle of uncertainty in your thoughts, and he freezes. 

He whispers your name, his breath warm and ticklish as it reaches your ears. 

You’re barely able to get the words out of your lips as you hum in reply.

“Are you… are you feeling okay?” He manages to pant out.

You nod hastily, “Sorry… I’ll relax, I just, it’s so—“ words fail you as you feel yourself grow more anxious, tightening around him even further. Shin lets out a raspy groan at the feeling. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay…just breathe, I’ve got you…” he reassures you, kissing your shoulder, he feels your nails press onto his back. 

Shin hears your thoughts, he feels the buzz of questions swirling around your head, and he feels relief upon knowing that you're not hurt, but you’re nervous about how he feels— if he’s actually enjoying this when all he’s been doing throughout this entire thing is looking out for you, and your pleasure.

“I do. I do, it feels good!” he says hurriedly, pushing himself up on his hands to look back at you. 

The sight before him punches him in the throat.

You're laid out before him, your hair is a mess, standing up in different places— disheveled and unruly from how much you’ve both tussled in the sheets. Your lips are bruised and red, from kissing, lipstick smudged to the sides of your mouth in a pinkish hue. Your eyes— the familiar colour he’s grown to look for in every corner of the room he inhabits— are glassy and uneven, he can see himself in your reflection, eyes gleaming with love, trust and adoration. 

For a moment he sees the version of himself you’ve fallen in love with. 

The version of him he wishes to be for you.

God. Fuck. What the fuck. This isn’t fair. 

How the hell did he get so lucky?!

You call his name, voice slightly hoarse, and Shin feels his throat tighten.

“Do you still want to continue?” He manages, he feels lightheaded all of a sudden. Your thoughts are saying yes. But he wants to hear you say it yourself. 

He feels your fingertips gently trace the outline of his cheek, sliding under his jaw, your thumb grazes over his stained lips. Your expression softens. 

You nod your head, “Yes… keep going, Shin…” your arms slide up against his back. Pulling him closer.

He doesn’t need to be told twice when you tell him to move.

His thrusts start off slow, weak, another voice of encouragement on your part has him speeding up, until the sounds of your moans and the sticky-wet slapping of skin can be the only sounds reverberating inside his room. 

He watches the way your eyes seem to glaze over, the slight arch in your back as your nails dig deep crescents into his back. 

You’re close. 

Shin thinks he is too.

He speeds up his pace, moving both of your legs to his shoulder for better control of movement. You let out a keen whine at the new position, your thoughts are a mix of disjointed sounds of pleasure and repeated words of love and affection, all while you gasp and moan his name in silent pleas. 

You make a garbled sound of pleasure at one angle, and Shin shifts his position slightly to hit that spot repeatedly. Your thoughts turn erratic, moans desperate and teary as you claw at his back. He feels your walls tighten around his dick like a vice, a choked moan leaving his throat at the sensation, you cum on his cock moments later. Shin fucks you through your orgasm, chasing his own high and cumming into the condom.

You both stay like that for a while, panting heavily as you both catch your breaths. Shin moves first, pushing himself up with a small grunt. Carefully observing your features, your lashes are wet with tears, eyes partially open, your breaths shallow and even. Your thoughts are quiet, peaceful as you’re still coming back from your high.

“How are you feeling?” He asks, hands coming over to wipe away the tears pooling in your eyelashes.

You let out a small hum of acknowledgment. And Shin chuckles softly. You’re tired, he’ll let you sleep for a bit, he has to clean up and get some water first. 

He pulls out of you and that earns him a small whine on your part, face scrunching up in displeasure. He pulls the cover from the edge of the bed and pulls it over you. He turns on the AC. He ties the condom by its end, throwing it into the bin.

Moving his legs to the side, Shin moves to grab the plastic bag by the end of his bed, but gets stopped by you— hand already grabbing onto his forearm. 

The tired look in your eyes says everything he needs to know. Whatever plans he had prior were quietly set aside, as he slips into the spot you’ve made for him. When you ask him to hold you close, Shin obliges without a momentary thought.

Minutes pass, and before long, the sounds of your soft snores reaches his ears.

When Shin thinks about the idea of first love, he thinks about you, he thinks about the love that asks for nothing in return, other than to see their other half happy and content wherever they may be.

He might be the first for you in a lot of aspects of romantic relationships. But Shin hopes you realise that you’re his first when it comes to this type of love too. The kind of love that you only read in shoujo and josei mangas and light novels.

Shin watches the slow rise and fall of your chest, smiling at the soft little snores coming from you as you mumble incoherently in your sleep.

Your mind is quiet, peaceful— you dream of nothing in his arms, the type of quiet slumber everyone in the world is probably experiencing right now. But in this moment— even as he is awake— Shin dreams of a quiet future, of spending more of his days in bliss like this, of the possibility of living the rest of it chasing after this same feeling again and again. Of making you feel the same way you make him feel every day. His mind wanders towards the convenience store, to Mr. Sakamoto, to Aoi-san, Hana-chan, Lu and Heisuke. He thinks about a peaceful life where you all can live together in peace, unbidden by the burdens of the past.

Shin slowly closes his eyes, letting the heaviness of his eyelids drift him into sleep.

+ despite being so harsh with everyone else DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE TREATED NITORI he'd be softer with you for sure. i think he's mildly(?) aware that has the tendency to lash out whenever he's not in the mood and he's also aware that you're still sticking with him despite that

+ sometimes you'd scold him for being so harsh on nitori and he'd brush you off talking about how it's normal for guys to do that to their kouhais, but whenever you see how upset nitori looks, you just can't keep it in. he'll eventually be like "ok! ok! i get it already!" and you know he means well, but it might irk you too

+ but despite this, he'll come out of his samezuka room a couple times to go out with you in the town. get food or sit at the park for a couple hours talking about things that's been going in your lives. it's the quiet and nostalgic things that he treasures more rather than the huge adventurous dates

+ 1000% there is an argument in this season. sorry, i definitely see an argument happening nearer to the end, especially when he gets kicked off the relay. when nitori can't persuade him, he'll come running to you asking you to knock some sense into his brain, which you try, but i think rin might shout some hurtful words that he doesn't really mean but blurts in the moment. when he sees the shock on your face and the sight of your back growing smaller as you walk away, it'll hit him even more and he might just get more depressed and angrier

+ he'd apologise after his relay with haru, makoto and nagisa. there's no time before and even if he wants to, he can't throw both things away at once. once he's finished having that emotional closure, it'll hit him like a brick and he'd run to find you. no matter where you are, he'd find you and hold you so close that you feel like you're about to break. he'd probably cry and apologise over and over about how he was so stupid and that he should've never yelled at you. you're too important to him and that he should've thought about what he was going to say before letting it out

+ he makes a promise to you there and then that he'll always protect you from others and the bad side of himself. he'll work hard to never show that side to you again and once you tell him it's ok, he will cry. he will hug you like you're dying because he was so scared that you'd give up on him because of that. he realises there and then how special you are and how strong you are for putting up with an ass like him. that's when it hits him again like "damn, i really scored"

[ eternal summer / timeless medley ]

+ yay! he's grown nicer!

+ now that he's a third year and captain of the samezuka swim team, he has more pressure than he did a year ago and since you're there all the time, you do your best to support him.

+ so, you visit him a lot in the samezuka dorms and let me tell you, it's tiring but really fun. you have momo, nitori and sousuke to keep you entertained, especially the youngest mikoshiba who i bet interrogates you for advice about getting together with gou. he'd be like "(NAME)-SAN, HOW DID YOU DO IT? IF YOU MANAGED TO TAME RIN-SENPAI, I CAN DO IT TOO!" then rin might beat him up idk

+ momo will also try to get you into beetles. if you already like them, rin will be upset IN THE SENSE that momo beat him to it - not that he'd ever get into it in the first place. if you don't like beetles, rin will make sure that you never touch those damn books that momo carries everywhere. there's a drama cd where momo and nitori chase after pyunsuke because he escaped, if rin even so much as hears that pyunsuke got close to you, he will genuinely be the cause of momo's downfall

+ anyway, i feel like this is the season where you and rin truly get to know each other. sure, you were still a thing in season 1, but you didn't have much time because he was so focused on fixing his issues with his teammates. now that you actually have the time, he makes sure that it happens and that it's perfect.

+ he'll probably start with going out with you as much as he can. now that his duties align with being captain and looking over training schedules, he might cancel a few times and he will feel rotten about it, but sometimes, those decisions are crucial to him. he just trusts that you'll understand the situation :( but if it ever gets too much and you tell him, he'll be a bit like ? at the start, but he'll grow to realise that he really has been an ass

+ when he's also upset with sousuke's injury, he'll tell you about it because he doesn't know what to do about it. he's clearly conflicted about what to do because he knows sousuke wants to swim but he physically can't. you'd be there to hold him and he'd find his peace there and then with you

+ since he's a lot closer with the iwatobi guys too, you guys all tend to hang out with each other. nagisa for sure has a nickname for you too and rei bombards you with random questions. makoto is always sweet and haru's just there acknowledging you. all in all, life is great!

+ lol that extra frfr episode where rin is dressed as a butler, YOU WERE THERE WHEN HE HAD TO BE A MAID LAST YEAR, you're 100% there to support him as a butler this time and he appreciates it(?) momo, on the other hand, is so embarrassed that you have to see him this way. nitori's just cute as always

[ take your marks / dive to the future ]

+ bru his momma and sister loves you like has that not already been established? gou thinks of you like her family already and mrs matsuoka, the one and only, is already so excited for your future. will tease about grandchildren, but she won't prod!

+ since he trains in sydney, this is where things might get a bit difficult, but that's ok! i, as the author, have created two options.

+ option a) you do not live in sydney with him, therefore, you are long-distancing. this might break him apart little by little i bet because although this time, he's not alone since he's made new friends in sydney AND he's got russell and lori somewhere nearby, none of that is shared with you.

+ will try to call you every day. sometimes, if he's too exhausted or if you're too exhausted, you might understand each other's circumstances, but if this happens too often he might get a bit upset. he's already alone in the apartment, so his thoughts might get to him. you've already seen what he's like when he was in high school second year

+ since you live near his family's house, if you go visit him mom and sister on a regularly basis, he'll be so grateful and might cry because he feels sorry that he can't do it himself. just knowing that you have a good relationship with the two other people he cherishes so much makes his heart swell

+ will definitely try to plan things like you coming to visit him or vice versa. it might be difficult and he'll be impatient with it, but that will get him nowhere! when it works he will actually be all over you, taking you to his favourite places, meeting russell and lori and begging you not to go back, but he'll suck it back up in the end and impatiently wait for your next trip to australia

+ option b) you live in sydney with him! 100% he'd suggest moving in together because why not? he'd support whatever you do in australia be it working or attending university, as long as you're both together, he literally feels like he can take on the world

+ on the days your schedule aligns, you'll walk over to where he trains and wait or he'll finish early and come pick you up at work or university, then the two of you would get dinner together. NOW since this is the season where natsuya appears, natsuya would just invite himself to dinner LOL and prod you about why you're dating a loser like rin. it's fun making fun of rin really

[ road to the world / the final stroke ]

+ HAS HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE YET?? probably not, he probably wants a private proposal to be honest. if he DOES plan on doing so i bet he'll ask sousuke for advice even though bro doesn't even have anyone himself. bro will probably just say something like "you'll know." like ok thanks bro

+ if you guys haven't seen the movie and don't mind spoilers, haru basically goes through this big crisis where he's immensely overwhelmed by albert, the swedish swimmer who's a literal beast in the water. he pushed rin away at the end of the movie in road to the world 1, so there was a big issue there and you picked up on that when rin started acting distanced

+ throughout the years, i doubt rin changes when it comes to laying out his problems to you, but it's not because he doesn't trust you, i think it's because he's had his responsibilities as a captain and older brother / eldest son that he feels obliged to keep it in.

+ but despite that, i think your relationship with rin during this season would be rock solid in that you guys trust each other so much that you could go on a spontaneous trip to spain and he'll be like "ok, there must be a reason."

+ rin would probably dedicate a lot of his awards to you. he might not mention your name unless you're comfortable with it. if you're in the stands watching him receive his medal, he'll definitely search for you and hold the medal out to you. if you're not in the stands, he'll stare right into the camera and be like "this is for you, you know it"

Closing the refrigerator, he smoothed his apron out. There was just one more area to check when a familiar ding rang around. Looking up, he plastered on his biggest smile, walking over to the automatic sliding doors.

“Hello. Welcome to—” Instantly, Shin was bombarded with a flurry of anxious thoughts. He saw flashes of an eviction notice, of empty cupboards housing only an expired ramen noodle cup, and bedroom lights that flickered twice before the room went completely dark.

Shin couldn’t help but wince.

Clearly, someone wasn’t having the best time, yet the bright smile on your face said otherwise. Perhaps a little too bright for someone who’d skipped breakfast today (your fridge was also, sadly, unoccupied.)

“Hi. I, uh, saw your poster outside. I saw that you were hiring for a part-time worker?”

“Oh,” He blinked. Mr. Sakamoto hadn’t told him anything about it, but he saw glimpses of you walking around the same area a few days ago, your eyes brightening up at the HELP WANTED poster plastered outside. You’d ran home then, emailing the address written down below. 

Fighting back a sigh, he scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, I suppose we are, but the owner isn’t around yet. Maybe you can leave your number though? I’ll call you when he’s ready for an interview.”

You tipped your head to the side, a frown on your lips. “Really? It says there to look for Mr. Shin, though, and that–” taking two steps closer, you were suddenly in his face, your eyes narrowed at the sight of his nametag. Shin couldn’t, for the life of him, explain why his senses clouded over at the scent of roses that wafted over him. “–seems to be you. Unless I’m mistaken?”

Roses, with a hint of vanilla.

It had been the last pump of your scented body wash, one you used generously to make an impression for your job interview. Heaven knows you couldn’t afford to be turned down again. And just like that – with the image of you slumping over your shower as the bottle came out empty – Shin’s cheeks flushed a deep red.

He shook his head free from the image. Jeez, he thought, and took a step back until his tailbone hit the counter, I don’t even know this person.

“No, uh, that’s definitely me. Shin, I mean.” Way to go, he cheered sourly, so damn smooth.

Your lips twisted into a grin again. “Great! Then I’m ready. I already have my resume already in case you need to look at it.” Your hands remained by your side, but in your head, he felt it. The need to twitch, to practically shove your papers into his face and get down on your knees, if need be. Hire me, please! I’m a really diligent worker and fast learner! Your mind screamed.

Plucking the resume from your hands, he skimmed through it. “Wow, uh,” Your entire record screamed civilian. Civilian high school, regular background, no criminal record. You wouldn’t fit into this store if you asked him. “This seems… okay. You work the cashier a lot?”

“I did at my past two jobs, yeah. I promise I know my way around,” you wrung your hands together at your back, sending him a sheepish smile. “So… am I hired?”

Your mind began to scream in desperation. The pay wouldn’t be much – you’d have preferred a full-time position, if just to get you by for this month so you wouldn’t be camping out in the streets – but it was better than nothing. Also, Shin’s head was hurting. He never imagined one could be so distressed that their mind was literally nothing but desperate pleas to be accepted.

He was nearly tempted to say yes if it hadn’t been for one fact: you were too innocent to be around someone like him.

“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

That night during dinner, when Shin’s belly was full with soup and his mouth stuffed with rice, he brought the issue up to his employer. “Sakamoto-san, you never told me you were hiring!”

“Shin-chan,” Hana poked his side, “Mommy says it’s not polite to talk when your mouth is full.”

Shame crept up the back of his neck. Swallowing his food, he placed his bowl down and smiled sheepishly at Hana before turning back to her father. As usual, Sakamoto-san was unbothered. The man was simply scooping more rice back into his bowl.

“You could’ve looked at the posters outside,” he replied in his mind.

“But I wasn’t in charge of cleaning duty, Lu was,” He pointed to the red-head, who was happily passed out beside him, crumbs of rice littered around her mouth. He nudged her awake. “Oi, Lu, did you know you were hiring?”

Lu’s eyes blearily opened. “Huh? Yeah. Sakamoto-san told me to put that up the other day. I thought you would’ve seen.”

“I would’ve if a certain co-worker of mine didn’t leave me to handle stocking up all by myself,” he snorted to himself. It was true that their tasks around the store weren’t fairly divided. Lu always came in late, and did more ­de-organizing than actually organizing. But Shin cared about the little bugger, and only complained half-heartedly. He knew deep down he’d happily take on her duties if it meant they were all safe under the same roof.

“Sakamoto-san… Not that I’m telling you how to run your shop, but why would we need another worker? And a civilian, at that. Does she even know who she’s working with?”

“Of course not. She doesn’t need to know.”

“But we’re retired hitmen! And Lu’s a mafia family’s daughter!”

“I’m aware.”

Shin couldn’t wrap his head around it. “What if she gets into danger? You know we’ve had hitmen coming in here often. How could she defend herself when that happens?”

“That’s why I’m only hiring for a part-timer. She’d be working with you, or Lu. Never alone. The reason we needed one anyway is because we’re spending less time in the shop. It wouldn’t hurt to have another person helping out.”

“But… Couldn’t we have hired Heisuke? It’d be easier to work without having to hide your identity all the time.”

“Do you really trust Heisuke to check stock and inventory?” At Shin’s defeated expression, Sakamoto continued eating. “I already checked her background. She’s good. Tomorrow is her first day, and she works the first shift with you. Teach her everything she needs to know.”

Truthfully, Shin hoped it was going to be that easy. He’d already taught Lu everything before, starting from the basics to contacting the suppliers whenever they ran out of something. It really wasn’t as complicated as it seemed. It all just depended on the person. He believed if one was determined enough, they’d get the hang of it easily. If he’d taught Lu and survived, then teaching you – someone who already has knowledge with the cashier – should be a breeze.

Only it wasn’t.

Now that you had your head up in the clouds at being hired, and having a stable job, your mind was now only noticing other things. Those other things being Shin.

What a beautiful shade of blond hair, you mused once, when he was telling you which items went with which, and why they were in those specific aisles. Or is it golden? it looks more golden when the sunlight hits him. And why the hell is he a convenience store worker? Someone that good-looking should be doing something else. Modeling, maybe? But nah. He’s got more of that boy-next-door vibe.

Shin hoped the ground would open up and just eat him. “It’s only day one,” he tried to comfort himself, “She’s just getting used to things.”

Oh, how wrong he was.

As the weeks passed, he learned that everything you thought about yourself was true. You were a diligent worker, and an extremely fast learner – when you weren’t distracted by his long, elegant fingers, that was. You often volunteered to work overtime, or cover Lu’s shifts for her when she slept in again. Shin thought it showed your determination to work. Maybe you needed that overtime pay badly, to make ends meet. 

Unfortunately for you (and him), he could read minds, and your mind wasn’t as subtle as your actions were.

On the day Lu didn’t come in again when she was supposed to, you offered to stay behind. “It’s really okay,” you told him, turning your nose the other way as you bit your cheek. Shin had taken off his apron and rolled his sleeves all the way up to his elbow, checking just how much more meat was left in the freezer. Oooh la la, he heard from your mind, your teeth sinking into your cheeks as he saw an image of his forearms of all things. Look at those veins. Damn it, why did my co-worker have to be so fine?

Shin coughed out loud. Although your mind never hid your blatant interest in him, he never got used to it. He didn’t think he was special, much less… appealing to someone like you. 

How would you react anyway, once you found out he wasn’t as ‘adorable’ or ‘drool-worthy’ as you thought? He was a hitman. The hands you dreamt of holding were once stained with blood.

“So,” he began, “What were you doing before you started working here? And why this store of all places?”

He already knew the answer to all of those. He already knew you dropped out of university to tend to your sick mother, the reason why you moved back to this town. He already knew you’d given up on your dreams, left your friends – and even a partner behind – to focus more on family. He already knew that behind your easily accommodating, eager to please persona, you were just as sad and lost as everyone else.

Not that he was going to say it out loud. He never meant to read people’s minds all the time, but it was hard to control.

“Well hmm…” you started, fidgeting with the ties of your apron as you avoided his gaze.

In your head, insecurity gnawed at you. Despite your growing crush on Shin, you would’ve actually preferred he kept his distance like he always did. And Shin tried not to be bothered by this thought – tried.

“I didn’t actually plan on being a part-time worker. I wanted to be an artist, actually. To illustrate children’s books.”

Shin knew this, too. Whenever your morning shifts ended, you picked Hana up from school. You two would spend a lot of time upstairs drawing and doodling. Hana’s compliments at your skills always left you feeling warm. So much so that when you walked downstairs and said goodbye to him, Shin could feel that giddiness in your heart. Could see it in the way your eyes lit up, how your smile turned just a bit more shy and a little less forced. Your customer service smile, he called it. He preferred that genuine smile of yours more.

“You’d be a great one,” he found himself saying, leaning against the closed freezer as he looked at you. “I’ve seen your drawings. Hana puts them up in her room, and Ms. Aoi has some taped on their kitchen too.”

You bit your lip and avoided his gaze. He could see the images flickering in your mind. Nights spent staying up to submit the art projects, hanging out late into the night drinking with friends, how you loved being pushed up against a wall as your ex-boyfriend kissed you. 

Now those images, Shin could do without.

Really, he didn’t know when it began – when he started noticing the little things you weren’t aware of. The constant stain of ink or graphite on your hands, the smears of charcoal on your favorite white university shirt. (He Googled it once, unsurprised that it was a fancy art school.) He thought maybe that was how you were so quick with your hands. The fastest and most efficient cashier. He’d told Sakamoto-san about you, and it wasn’t difficult to have a pay raise encouraged and arranged. He still remembered that day your eyes glistened with tears at the generous pay. He’d hoped you’d get yourself something nice, maybe a new set of pencils, but instead, you went with another day of skipping breakfast to keep up with your mom’s medical bills.

“That’s surprisingly sweet,” you smiled shyly, “Ms. Aoi and Hana really are such kind people, aren’t they?”

“They are.” Sakamoto and his family accepted him without a second thought, welcomed him into their home and gave him a seat at their table like it was the most normal thing in the world. They did the same thing to you – constantly offering to have you for dinner, but you never stayed too late. You headed straight to the hospital each time.

Unsure of what else to say, Shin picked up four Twix bars and scanned it silently. When he placed it down in front of you, you raised a brow up at him. “Twix bars,” he nudged them your way, suddenly feeling overly self-conscious the longer you looked at him. “Aren’t they your favorite?”

Your lips twitched into a smile. “They are, but how’d you know?”

I can read your mind, and you used to always eat them whenever you were sad. “A gut feeling,” he shrugged. “I thought they might, I don’t know, help you feel better.”

“They do,” you finally opened one, the other offered to him, “But why four? Is it so much better than just, say, two bars?”

“Yeah.” Once, when you were both cleaning up the shop, he heard your faint stream of thoughts. Four twix bars are always enough to get me by. If only I could have the luxury of snacks right now. But alas, the only snack I can have is my absurdly cute co-worker.

If possible, Shin’s entire body flushed red. “I have a gut feeling it is,” he said again, and finally turned his back to you.

The sound of your laughter was the last sound he heard before he retreated into the supply room, where he shamelessly smiled to himself in the dark.

After that one time Shin gave you four Twix bars, the invisible wall of casual politeness slowly turned into something more.

You began to linger at the register after your shift, making conversation with him and asking about his life and what he liked to do in his free time. He couldn’t tell the truth, of course. So he went with the safest answer that he sometimes liked to play paintball with Heisuke (and absolutely not so he can learn to dodge his friend’s impeccably precise rebound shooting skills.)

Tonight, you were bent over organizing canned food, and the silence lingering in the shop no longer felt tense and awkward. He simply reveled in the sound of your soft humming, and the steady whir of the air condition.

Beside you, Shin was meticulously arranging the bags of chips, rotating each one to face a perfectly uniform direction. You suppressed a giggle, but it was too late. His gaze flicked up to you, a question in his eyes at your unabashed grin. “What?”

“You know,” you bit your lip, your voice low and teasing. “I always wondered what a highly-trained, former special-ops type of person would do to keep their hands busy in retirement. I have noticed that for such a soft looking face, you have some pretty rough hands.”

Shin felt his heart drop, a bag of sour cream and onion chips suspended in mid-air.

She knows? Holy shit, but it can’t be. I’d been so careful. How could she know? Who told her? Did she see me or Sakamoto-san? Did Lu babble when she was drunk again? But that’s impossible, I don’t even do that kind of thing anymore – well not much, and I’ve stopped killing people. That’s the number one rule in the Sakamoto Family Rulebook.

You laughed – the sound soft and warm. “Oh my God, I’m just kidding! You should’ve seen the look on your face! But you have to admit, that’s some serious attention to detail,” leaning in, you bumped your shoulder playfully into his. “That’s some hitman-level precision, huh? Making sure no one steals the cheddar puffs? I know you hide them in the back aisle so you’ll never run out for yourself.”

Shin was baffled. “What? I – how’d you even know that?” He did, in fact, hid the cheddar puffs in a place no one would notice.

“You’re not the only one who spends their time watching people, you know.”

His ears, a part of him that he had no control over, turned red. He cleared his throat and mumbled something about ‘standard operating procedures’ before he turned to you again. “And where did you even hear that from? Hitman level precision? Former special ops? You’ve been watching way too many action movies with Nagumo.”

You threw your head back in laughter. “His blockbuster films are kinda nice,” you defended, “And I heard them from Heisuke. He joked once how he had the coolest friends – retired assassins and legendary hitmen. Said you didn’t look the part, but that you had crazy precision in shooting.”

Shin froze. “In paintball, yeah.”

“Well, duh,” you snorted, returning to the task at hand and stealing the bag of chip from him, putting it to where it belonged. “You’re strangely competitive over paintball. Give Heisuke some break, will you?”

Oh, he’ll get a break, alright, Shin gritted his teeth, cursing his friend whose mouth was too loose.

Unbeknownst to him, you watched him struggle with a soft smile on your face. Stepping back, you chuckled to yourself at the sight of Shin’s dilemma. The truth was, you found his flustered awkwardness incredibly endearing. He was thoughtful and observant, but painfully unaware of his own selflessness.

He had no idea you’d gone from seeing him as just a quiet coworker, who you occasionally shared a laugh with, to a guy you’d seriously been considering to date.

Just as Shin’s alarmed gaze suddenly snapped to you, the bell above the door chimed. Mr. Sakamoto stepped out, his face neutrally cool. “Still here, you two? It’s past closing time,” he shared a knowing look with Shin, who started glaring at the floor. Then, Mr. Sakamoto’s face changed just the slightest, with a hint of a smile. “Aoi made an extra big batch of dinner tonight. It would be lovely if you could both join.”

Shin braced himself for the disappointment. It’d been months now since you started working here, and you always politely declined. Though maybe he wouldn’t mind your absence tonight that much. His mind was still reeling from the fact that he’d heard your thoughts loud and clear – I wonder what it’s like to go on a date with Shin.

Date. A date. With him.

Mr. Sakamoto was right. There was no point in pretending to be immune to sweet smiles and kind eyes. Even he, the legendary hitman, had gladly fallen in love. It wouldn’t be wrong if Shin just gave in. Don’t fight it, he heard Mr. Sakamoto think, if you fall, you fall.

Taking off his apron, Shin stretched his arm out, waiting for you to hand yours back. This time, you surprised him by enveloping your hands with his. “I’d love to go to dinner.”

Oh, your mind gushed, his hand is so much warmer than I thought it’d be. I could get used to this.

Mr. Sakamato’s face remained impassive, but his snickering thoughts couldn’t be any louder.

Deep down, Shin had a gut feeling that it would all work out just right.

The walk from the store to the train station was just a handful of blocks, but it felt like the longest, most important journey of Shin’s life. He walked beside you, and couldn’t help but feel like the small space between your bodies kept getting smaller and smaller. Was it you inching closer to him, or was it his hands itching to reach out to yours?

Whatever it was, he was thankful you couldn’t read his mind. On the outside, he kept a cool, composed appearance. But on the inside? Hell, his palms were practically sweating. He couldn’t hold your now. But he could step a little bit closer, making up an excuse that it was just cold tonight. Keep it cool, he told himself, no need to let her know you’re a total virgin when it comes to dating.

And because the heavens found pity on him, you didn’t seem to notice the man practically fumbling.

The conversation was easy, nothing but soft murmurs in the night air. You could be talking about the most mundane of things - like a funny customer from this afternoon - and he’d still be listening with both ears, and his mind. In your head, you broadcasted that warm, giddy feeling of sitting next to him in dinner. How easy it felt to sit cross-legged next to him and share warm meals like it happened on the daily. How comfortable it was to be in the same space as him. How right it felt. 

And you’d been beyond elated over the Sakamato’s warm welcome. It made you feel a little guilty for having turned them down before. If you’d known how much you’d enjoy it, you might have joined them from the start. (Shin wished you did.)

“You know, Sakamoto-san asked me what my plans were,” you said, your voice softening. Shin’s guard immediately went up, already anticipating the worst of disappointments. What were you going to say? Are you going to quit now? Did you think I’m a sloppy eater and no longer want to go out with me? Not that I asked you out, but I was planning to. He promised he was planning to. He didn’t drink liquid courage for nothing.

Instead, you shared what he already knew. How you quit school to take care of your mother, something you never mentioned before. Just like that, he felt a wave of both worry, exhaustion, and relief flood over your mind all at once. 

“She’s finally okay,” you croaked out, and the mental image of your mother’s warm hands squeezing yours was so vivid, he swore he was also there. “I think I can finally go back. I’ve saved up enough, and… if it weren’t for you, Hana, and Ms. Aoi, I would have given up on school altogether.”

Shin was at a loss of what to say.

He knew he should be happy. Should be overjoyed, really, that things were finally working out for you. But as the station’s concrete structure came into view, his panic began to set in. This… romantic saga you had was coming to an end. The simple joy of just walking beside you, checking inventory with you, working at the register with you, was about to be interrupted. 

He didn’t even have a chance yet to tell you what he felt. Or did you even want him to? You never voiced it out. You suddenly holding his hand could be a friendly gesture, for all he knew.

Stopping at the entrance, Shin was brought back to reality by the harsh fluorescent lights. 

The two of you stood there for a moment – the convenience store and this too good to be true night behind you – the rush of the train station ahead.

You looked up at him, a sweet, hopeful expression on your face. Should I say thank you? Should I hug him? Maybe that’s too much. It isn’t, he swore it. Hug me, he nearly begged. Don’t go. What if I just… Before you could finish that thought, your hand came up to his arm, leaning until you were close enough to hear his erratic pulse. Your lips, soft and warm, touched his cheek. 

Shin’s mind went blank. So quiet that he jumped at the squeals coming through your own.

Oh shit, I did it! But he’s so quiet now… Oh no, did I freak him out? Was I too forward? Fuck, well at least this might be my last day and I’ll never have to see him–

As if he’d let that happen.

Just as your panic bubbled up, he recalled a memory he’d shamelessly experienced vicariously through you. From dinner. From that time you spaced out at work while Shin sucked on a lollipop, and your eyes couldn’t take itself away from the sight. From when he threw his head back in laughter, and your throat felt dry at his throat muscles working. He felt your mind drift then. Those times, you weren’t thinking of past partners. Just him. And the idea of a perfect, toe-curling kiss.

You’d basically taught him how to sweep you off your feet. You just didn’t know it yet.

Shin took a deep breath.

For the first time in his life, he wasn’t acting on a hit order or a panicked reflex. He acted purely on feeling (and of constantly re-watching your daydreams where he kissed you.)

He reached out, his hands trembling slightly, and cupped the soft skin of your jaw. His thumbs gently tracing the line of your cheekbone. Your eyes widened, and in your mind, he heard a surprised gasp of pleasure, the small sound enough to make his pants feel uncomfortably tight. 

Taking a step forward, he pressed you back against the station’s cold, stone pillars. A train roared by, its powerful gust of wind making his hair brush back against his face. Just do it. Just do it. Shin leaned down and kissed you, his lips soft and pillowy against yours. And, oh. 

He’s a damn good kisser.

Of course he was, he thought smugly. He kissed you the way he knew you liked. You liked it when a guy cupped your jaw. You reveled in the feeling of being gently pinned against something, so utterly helpless that you couldn’t help but be cocooned in someone’s strong, warm arms. It was the kind of thought a hitman like him would never have. A kind of trust Shin would never experience had it not been for the people who saved him.

His mind, so used to being a weapon, had given him a gift. A map that led him straight to your heart.

Your body melted into his, a surrender so complete he was unsure he deserved. He heard your thoughts of joy and unabashed adoration, thankful that the train was so loud you couldn’t hear how his own heart raced. 

All he knew was that he’d found a quiet life – it was just a little loud on the outside.

But the roaring of his heart faded, and the thoughts flooded back in, all of them beautiful and pure. Too pure. His quiet life had just come face to face with the messiness of his past. The two could never co-exist. Not when this tender kiss felt like a betrayal, that your feelings were built on the lies of his hidden identity.

Shin pulled away, the movement startling you. “Shin,” you noted his widened eyes, his ragged breath. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

“I-I have to tell you something,” he blurted out. He could do it – hopefully it was just like ripping off a band-aid. “I’m… I’m not who you think I am. And neither is Sakamoto-san, or Lu, or Heisuke–”

“Shin, breathe.”

He did as he was told, loosening his hold out of fear he might crush you. The words just tumbled out, fast and clumsy. “We used to be… It’s all in the past, but we were hitmen. We’re both retired, I swear, it’s just… Sometimes things happen, and we need to protect our family, so we may or may not get involved in something ugly again. And I-I can read minds. It’s how I knew you liked to eat Twix bars when you’re sad, and how I knew you liked to be kissed. And you know, I-I, I can accept if this is too much to handle. If you’d want to walk away…”

Shin bent his head down in shame, realizing that for the first time, he’d been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he couldn’t hear yours. “I haven’t been part of that world in a long time. And I would never hurt anyone. I just… I had to tell you, I’m sorry. I swear I never meant to keep lying to you.”

He braced himself for the worst. For the shock, the disgust, the fear. He wouldn’t be a stranger to it. He’d already prepared himself to see your mind fill with terror, with betrayal, and watch you walk away. Instead, a soft laugh escaped you. Moving closer, you cupped his face in your hands, and kissed him again.

This time, your mind was as calm as it was still lightly fluttering. No panic, no fear, no thoughts of wanting to leave. When you pulled back, a mischievous glint in your eyes, you were met with Shin’s shocked, confused face.

“Shin,” you said, your voice barely a whisper. “I know.”

His mind went completely blank, the mental static deafening. “You… you know?” he stammered, his voice barely a whisper. “How?”

The words were playful, but they didn’t match the sudden, vivid memory that replayed in his head. A drunken Lu, on the night of the store’s anniversary party, slurring at a corner. “You’d never know it when we party together like this, but we used to be involved in some shady stuff, you know? The boss, Shin, me… we’re a family. Just one you don’t want to mess with.”

You gave him a knowing smile, your shoulder lifted in a one-shouldered shrug. “Just a gut feeling.”

And then, another flash: of Heisuke, with Piisuke chirping on top of his head. You’d given him popsicles to battle the midday heat. “You really are the best,” he’d gushed, “I gotta say, it really isn’t that bad to have another civilian around. We can do with more normalcy.” 

You’d laugh it off, confused about what he meant. But the seed had been planted, and looking back at it now, not even Sakamoto-san had been discreet. His scarily accurate aim with his ballpoint pens. His ‘hidden’ button for his ‘hidden’ stash of guns that just screamed suspicious. It made Shin feel a new kind of fluster, one deeper than just shyness.

“You knew all this time?”

“It doesn’t matter,” you reassured him, the humor in your thoughts ringing true to your words. “I mean, I was freaked out at first, but I’ve spent enough time with all of you to believe you all mean well. Besides, I’m here now, and so are you. All that matters is that you’re a good person, Shin.” 

Heat crept up Shin’s neck. “But the mind reading thing, did you know about it, too?”

“That one was a surprise,” you confessed, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him closer. “But I really don’t mind. You can go ahead and read my mind right now. See what you wanna do about it.”

Shin was greeted by a mental image of him (not so gently) pushing you against the pillar again, your lips crushed together, chests pressed into one another. He saw a flash of tongues colliding – aaaaand he was flustered again. Groaning, he closed his eyes, his forehead resting against yours. “Now you’re just teasing me.”

If you told Shin a few months ago that the convenience store’s ding wouldn’t be his favorite sound in the world anymore, he would have laughed in your face. Nothing could top that sweet, calming sound that reminded him he knew peace now.