#step work

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.

No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.

But upon entering A.A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

Fifthstep work is so hard *dramatics*

(See photo number 2)

But at least we got to work in this really dope space

(See photo number 1)

Also, we ended up just talking and eating tater tots bc distraction and hunger.

I have been alone too long

and relying on self-will

and it has made

a mess of me

I started out pretty bad

raised by werewolves

eaten and vomited

eaten again

I am werewolf vomit

but there are always 

the helpers 

and somehow

I became real

realer than 

my former family

and saner

though the concept of sanity

and I

do not fit the same Venn Diagram

with ease.

believing in a Higher Power

is

terrifying

giving up my will 

to a shadowy figure

I know it’s there

but I am not convinced

it does not mean me

harm

it was never there

when the werewolves dined

on my baby flesh

made me into vomit

tore into me again

with all the pain

shock

I died hundreds of times

and where was it then?

I didn’t even have self-will.

I was worse than Powerless.

I was helpless, hopeless

barely alive

so this is my song

about giving over

something I needed to survive

after it completely twisted

my whole life

but kept me alive

I sing it under my breath

because no one understands

but 

I sing it

trying to compose a new one

your will not mine, your will not mine

lead me wherever you wish

I will follow

with trepidation