Iter Sobrii Estote

These past few weeks have been really rough

Depression is a bitch.

Hilarious but true.

Now I dodge ppl at the gym bc I smell like sweet in a gym and not alcohol AND sweat in a gym.

I bought a bike. Fuji Absolute 1.7.

I’m in love with her.

We have 87.5 miles in the 13 weeks we’ve been together. Thinking it will be nice to make it a round 100 miles tomorrow to mark 2 weeks.

200 miles a month feels reasonable for a beginner such as myself.

My brother and I are working up to riding the trail from Hunt Valley, MD to York, PA which is like 43 miles one way.

Biking is super nice because it’s LOW IMPACT. my body can’t take anymore impact activities after years of sports in the olden days.

Overall, I feel stronger. Naturally occurring dopamine is helping with my overall mood. I’m actually sleeping through the night and exhausted in the evenings.

18 months of sobriety under my belt.

I think I’m finally finding out who I am and what I really enjoy.

I’m consistently working out, for the first time in…like ten years.

I feel amazing.

I’m not sweating alcohol.

Daily Reflection Aug 16

We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do one another, anyway? To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 80

All week long…on vacation…I’ve been having drinking dreams varying in intensity. I have not had a drink in any of those dreams but the desire to drink is crazy strong…in the dreams I am setting up the scenario for drinking, planning, preparing.

Last nights’s dream: I was returning from vacation and there were people in my house who I didn’t say could come by and I was so mad they were there bc I just wanted to “wind down” and start drinking. In the dream I ended up calling my boyfriend and he was like you can’t drink. We didn’t drink all vacation, you can’t break your sobriety in your house by yourself. This statement def made me consider- yeah if I was gonna drink I should’ve done it on vacation and we could’ve really turned up. No point in drinking alone now.

In my dream I thought about all that I would loose if I drank.

Then I got on a meeting this morning.

I’m having a really hard time with praying lately.

The majority of this vacation I’ve been sitting in silence with my thoughts instead of trying to drown my thoughts w sounds/ podcasts/ scrolling. I haven’t been praying. I feel like I have nothing to give. A mental block. Nothing to say. Stuck. I’m stuck. I feel like I’m stuck in a little ditch and can’t rock my way out of it.