#110221

Just picture it as him singing Happy Birthday to you.

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A little eyelash porn for you.

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Hodge-podge photo update from the past week! A selfie from when I snuck off by myself while I was in the office last week to sit quietly in a little lounge-esque space which has a couch and what I’ve now discovered are really comfy chairs. I sat and enjoyed the peace and quiet, a hot cup of tea, and the awesome river views. This is the one single situation that helps me understand that my anxiety is very real and that it’s impact on me is more severe than I’ve admitted: being in my new office.

Since the announcement that our company would be moving to a new building on a very-high-up floor, I’d been panicking about it. How would I feel being so high up? Would routine things give me extreme panic? Would standing near the windows? Would just *thinking* about how high up I’d be? Would the elevator ride? Would I have a panic attack in front of coworkers? Would I be able to focus and do my work? I had actual, literal nightmares throughout the entire duration leading up to our office relocation.. it was announced pre-pandemic in 2019 and we just moved in, so for give-or-take TWO YEARS of my life. I had the same recurring nightmares.

And you know what? It’s fine. I’m fine. Does seeing those crazy window-washing MFers dangling outside our windows give me the heebie jeebies? Mm, yes, most definitely. Do I love how long it takes to get back down to street-level? Not really. But it’s fine. This is the one situation where I’m able to see so clearly how much time and energy I’ve wasted being afraid and nervous about something which, when it finally happened, was just... fine. This has struck such a chord with me. I really hope I’m able to internalize this lesson and learn from it.

I wonder to myself how much it’s my new medication helping me manage the anxiety... the new medication that I stopped taking over this past weekend because of some reasons I’ll discuss at a future time I’m sure. I’m trying to gauge how I actually feel without it, versus with it. If I need to go back on it, it’s no problem, but right now I’m just trying to understand where I am mentally and what I need. It’s a tenuous process at times, but very worth it.