#operationkay10

January is here and somehow.. almost halfway over already? Not sure what happened there. My big boy is just days away from turning two and I can’t believe that either.

I’m back at work now and it’s been a gradual, gentle return - something I’m eternally grateful for. My boss and colleague, the two folks I work most directly with, are both so understanding and are letting me call the shots as far as how long I stay remote, how often I travel to the office, all that jazz. This company has been good to me. I haven’t been into the office yet this month but I aim to get in one day next week.. we’re currently all crossing our fingers here at home that a possible COVID exposure last weekend doesn’t take hold. So far, so good. No symptoms. Please let it stay that way.

Finding joy through cooking, especially with my little guy “helping”. He’s helped me make a few batches of banana blueberry muffins, his personal fave, and this morning we made waffles from scratch before I started work. Another silver lining of working from home. There’s also big joy in watching him learn and grow at lightning speed these days: he knows all his colors (and will tell you what color literally anything and everything is, whether you asked or not), knows lots of shapes, a few letters, and can count from 1-10. His vocabulary is expanding, though he still uses plenty of made-up words, which is adorable.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but I do look for the good wherever I can get it. Which brings me to the one thing I’ve been waiting and waiting to post for a while now… baby #3 is slated to arrive this August. 🥰

Biggest news of late: our NY house finally sold yesterday afternoon. We had presigned documents (thank goodness, because snow) and got a text from our attorney around 4:30pm saying we had officially closed. You know I was on the phone immediately with homeowners insurance, internet service, and electric company to cancel that sh*t.

I’m in the office today for work - something of a novelty, lately, since I’ve been commuting in roughly once a week.

I told my boss this morning that I’m expecting - again - and we had a hearty laugh together over the fact that she could of course tell before I told her. The bump is out. I think I’m slightly in denial that I’m really showing that much because it still feels early and I can’t even really feel the baby kicking yet. Alas, people are side-eyeing my belly. Let ‘em. Baby bumps are cute.

I told my boss that three pregnancies was never the plan, but life happens, I guess, and here we are. She took it to mean that this pregnancy was unplanned, or somehow an oops situation, but what I really meant was that I never intended to lose a child. I expected to be pregnant twice and raise two wonderful children. I suppose it doesn’t much matter what she thought I meant, big picture.

Trying to work through the fact that I’m extra aware of judgment from other people with this pregnancy in particular. 1) it comes FAST on the heels of my second pregnancy and 2) it comes with a lot of extra emotions and whatnot because it also comes FAST on the heels of losing that baby. It’s a lot. He was born in early June, we lost him late August, and I was pregnant again in November.

What I know to be true is that when we lost him, I immediately knew without question that I wanted to try for another. Not to replace him, obviously, but because ultimately I want to raise pep with a sibling who is here on earth with us. I never imagined myself as a mom to an only child. Of course it goes without saying there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having one child, but it never felt right for me personally. I knew whether or not I was lucky enough to get pregnant again, that pip would always be mine. I’d always have three kids, just that two of them are here on earth with me.

Because of all this, I find myself reluctant to tell people that I’m expecting this time around. I just don’t want the judgment. I don’t want people to be forced to be like “oh I’m so happy for you!” .. I dunno. I’m sure it’s my stuff, not anyone else’s, and I’ll work through it. Plus, either way it’s gonna get to the point where I don’t have to tell anyone verbally. My belly will do it for me.

I suppose it’s on my mind a lot today. Hopefully none of this comes across like I’m not incredibly grateful and super excited. I am. I’m actually doing better lately mentally than I’ve been. It’s just all so complex.

Ability to take great photos of my food: A+

Ability to take great photos of my toddler: C-

I’m seeing everyone else posting adorable photos of their children wearing matching valentines outfits and heart headbands and I’m over here like… I found a red plaid shirt in his dresser this morning. But every time he’s aware of me taking his photo, this kid now makes the grossest faces. On purpose. 😂

We didn’t do much for valentines. I would have done the whole matching outfit thing if pip were still here, but I’m just not feeling like making a whole thing of it. We gave pep a heart shaped box of kit kats which he loved. B made homemade pizzas for lunch and grilled delicious steaks for dinner. Food is my love language anyway, so it was a nice day.

Over the last week, it’s gotten so much harder to “be okay” with the fact that I can’t really, really feel him yet. I keep feeling more or less… normal. I mean, I have a bump and I get tired easily, and I’m always hungry, but I feel pretty normal. And my brain keeps going to a place where I can’t feel him and I feel normal because there’s something wrong. I think because I so dearly need him to be okay. I haven’t had any significant cramping, no bleeding… no signs of a problem.

I’m sure he is okay. But most of the time I really can’t shake this sensation that something’s wrong because everything feels more or less normal and I can’t feel him kicking much at all. Logic and emotions are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this one.