Tafkar

I want to add that I don’t make a habit of this now that I am a law abiding adult, but recently I accidentally did this again. Having been used to having my run of hospitals and walking basically anywhere as a child, I was visiting a friend in the hospital just before covid and I was legitimately exhausted and carrying a coffee cup cuz it was like 5:30am or something dumb, and I went to leave and get to the bottom floor and i’m like “this is not the lobby” and I walked around for a bit and people kept holding doors for me so I traveled through many corridors, and nothing looked familiar, and then I realized every single door was a key card swipe and everyone had mag-stripe badges with varying security levels and I realized I had gotton onto a staff elevator with the staff, who had swiped their card to go down into a high-security area of the building, and people had just been letting me through all these security doors.

So then I had to out myself and be like “Um I accidentally broke into you high-security wing, please show me the door, I’m literally just trying to leave this hospital” and I had to get like searched and stuff. 

And what was funny was that while I was blissfully walking around assuming I belonged, No one questioned ANYTHING and in fact, were violating protocols left and right to let me through, but the VERY SECOND I realized I was not where I was supposed to be and let that show on my face, like three people in the hall confronted me. 

So the take away is, be confident that you belong, look exhausted and like you don’t want to be there, and carry a cup of coffee. It will open pretty much all doors.

I finally attracted the notice of someone who was meant to be part of this restoration project when I came back up from the hole. He quickly came over to ask me, in Italian, what I’m sure were the very normal questions of “Who are you?”, “What are you doing here??”, etc.

Problem: I do not speak Italian.

My brain’s solution: Quick, what language do we speak that’s close?! 

And that is how I wandered up out of a hole in a Roman ruin without warning and began speaking ancient Latin to an archaeologist.

This man’s face went through 15 different absolutely floored expressions in ten seconds, like you could physically see him going through the thought process of “Have I encountered a ghost from ancient Rome? No, ghosts aren’t real. But if ghosts not real, how Latin??? Fellow researcher??? Supposed to be here???”

The thing is, I had a Very Russian girl bff in that time period. So I know in my heart of hearts, that Lilya would not be dressing butch like I see in most fanart. If you asked her she would say that she'd actually rather die. Bc being perceived as unfeminine would be worse than death.

Ilya is very much religiously following slavic male fashion trends of the time and trying to project this macho hypermasculine image that his culture expects of him (even though it isn't his true nature), so vice versa, season 1 Lilya would not be caught dead in comfy or unfeminine clothes.

She'd actually be wearing those tacky cut up Ed Hardy tops that show lots of skin (do people remember those?) and skinny jeans she can just barely squeeze into.

She'd wear stiletto heels out shopping, in the club and even on the way to the gym, and if there's blood running down her heels every day that's just a thing you have to deal with to serve *shrug*

She's definitely highlighting her hair and I am sad to report there is quite a high likelihood she is straightening her curls :/ (moment of silence please).

She'd be worried that Jane wouldn't find her hot anymore if she shows up to a hotel night without makeup on or in non-form fitting clothes, cause she thinks it's that hyperfeminine image she projects that Jane is actually attracted to - Jane doesn't KNOW the side of her that is lazy and would like to just not put in the effort. (Jane goes absolutely feral though, when she finally gets to see Lilya without ANY makeup whatsoever for the first time, at the cottage.)

I think she'd be settled in Canada for a while by the time she allows herself to actually be seen out wearing flat shoes in a non sports setting by anyone other than Jane and it would feel really vulnurable and weird for a while.

Ilya absolutely horrifying Shane and Yuna with Russian interpretations of sushi.

“What do you mean “baked sushi rolls”? And why the fuck is there cream cheese in EVERYTHING??”

Russian party food vs Shane’s strict macrobiotic diet.

“Why is there mayonnaise in everything??? Wtf is herring in a fur coat?”

Having said that, Shane loves solenya cos they’re good for the microbiome and has spent a summer perfecting his sauerkraut pickling technique

Ilya has introduced Maslenitsa into the Hollanders’ life. He makes stacks n stacks of the thinnest butteriest bliny and has to be physically removed from the kitchen to stop him making any more cos everyone is MORE than full.

One summer Ilya teaches Bood to make shashlik and it blows everyone’s fucking mind at the next team bbq gathering.

Russian New Year’s Eve enters the Hollander’s and Centaurs’ lives and everyone is really into it cos it’s an excuse to not go out out or freeze your tits off watching disappointing fireworks somewhere. They all gather at Shane and Ilya’s, partners, kids, dogs and all. There is more food than necessary but Ilya is still worried people will leave hungry, cos he’s a russian mum at heart. The playlist is weird mix of traditional russian songs and popular hits from the 90s/00s. Champagne for everyone (yes, the children too, “just a little sip!”) Luka Haas is babysitting all the children and drawing their favourite pokemon for them. The night inevitably ends with Ilya and Svetlana drunk as fuck singing Рюмка водки at the top of their lungs.

Everyone needs a minute to get used to caviar just being a normal thing at family and friends celebrations.

Ilya is passionate about watermelon and claims he has the best technique for choosing the best one. Wont explain said technique.

Equally he is passionate about a good tomato and will go on long tirades about “flavourless fucking western supermarket tomatoes”, and goes out of his way to source good ones. Is obviously on first name basis with owners of local Eastern European produce shop.

Ilya arranges for him and Shane to have a banya experience. They fuck about it after.

write insane shit that’s way beyond your perceived ability and skill level even if you don’t finish it even if you think it sucks

Tags passing peer review, gonna share.

Abbott Elementary S5 + Gregory's looks to the camera