ehk ma olen juba peaaegu kolm nÀdalat Eestis olnud.
Oeh, ma ei teagi nĂŒĂŒd, kust ma alustama peaksin. Mul on korraga nii palju ja mitte midagi öelda. Ma vĂ”iksin ju kirjutada tagasivaate oma aastale, aga kahtlen, kas keegi seda lugeda tahaks. Ma vĂ”iksin kirjutada nendest kolmest nĂ€dalast Eestis, aga mul ei oleks selle kohta mitte midagi kirjutada. Ma hakkan lihtsalt siit pihta, eks nĂ€is, kuhu ma vĂ€lja jĂ”uan.
Ma tahtsin sellest tegelikult eraldi postitust teha, aga seda tundus praegu natukene imelik kirjutada. Paar nĂ€dalat enne mu lahkumist kĂ€isime vanematega Taani kĂ”ige pĂ”hjapoolsemas punktis GrenĂ„s ja selle lĂ€hedal asuvas linnakeses Skagenis. Ilm ei olnud kĂŒll kiita, kuid mina olin ikkagi tĂ€iesti lummatud kogu sellest reisist. Me kĂŒlastasime ka Skageni muuseumi, mis oli omamoodi huvitav kogemus. Me lahkusime kodust reede pĂ€rastlĂ”unal ning tulime tagasi pĂŒhapĂ€eval. PĂŒhapĂ€eva hommikupoole ning vĂ€ikese osa pĂ€evast kĂ€isime isaga Aarhusis ARoSe kunstimuuseumis. Minu jaoks oli see kolmas kord, aga ARoS on selline koht, kuhu ma igal ajal hea meelega tagasi lĂ€heksin. Sel korral oli ĂŒheks nĂ€ituseks Robert Mapplethorpeâi fotod. See oli tĂ€iesti vĂ”imas, ma ei teadnud temast enne eriti midagi, kuid pĂ€rast Ă”htul koju jĂ”udes tegin vĂ€ikese Googleâi otsingu, et temast rohkem teada saada. Ătlesin isale ka, et kui ma kunagi mingi ime lĂ€bi peaksin rikkaks saama, siis tahaksin oma seinale Mapplethorpeâi pilte.Â
Kuna mu vanem vend lĂ”petas gĂŒmnaasiumi, siis kaasnes sellega terve hulk tĂ€histamisi ja traditsioone. Alates teklist, ning lĂ”petades studenterkĂžrseliga, mis kujutab endast lahtise kastiga veokit, kuhu kogu ĂŒks gĂŒmnaasiumi lĂ”puklass end sisse seab, ning siis sĂ”idetakse iga Ă”pilase kodust lĂ€bi. Terve tuuri ajal juuakse muidugi tohututes kogustes, ning igas peatuses tehakse seda veel. Mikkeli klassi sĂ”idu jaoks oli meie kodu viimaseks peatuseks, kuhu nad jĂ€id pea kaks tundi hiljaks. Ka mina lĂ”petasin ju mingis mĂ”ttes gĂŒmnaasiumi, mind paluti oma kooli lĂ”puaktusele kĂ”net pidama. Ma ei teadnud absoluutselt, mida ma ĂŒtlema peaksin. Ma tegin oma tavapĂ€rast improvisatsiooni, tundus, et vĂ€hemalt lĂ”petajatele meeldis.Â
Minu viimasel pĂ€eval oma Taani kodus, pidasime me Mikkeli lĂ”pupidu, minu lahkumispidu, ning mu noorema Ă”e, Elisabethi, lahkumispidu. Tema sĂ”idab nimelt juuli lĂ”pus vahetusaastale USAsse. See oli tegelikult ÀÀrmiselt tore, kui vĂ€lja arvata fakt, et mina nutsin pidevalt. Peale pidu oli aeg jĂ€tta kĂ”igiga hĂŒvasti, vĂ”tta oma asjad, ning sĂ”ita YFU maja poole. Enne seda aga kĂ€isime viiekesi veel viimast korda jÀÀtist söömas ning vĂ€iksel jalutuskĂ€igul ĂŒhes linna pargis. Mul tulevad praegugi veel pisarad silmadesse, kui mĂ”tlen nende viimaste hetkede ja hĂŒvastijĂ€ttude peale. Nagu ĂŒks tuttav mulle hiljuti ĂŒtles, et on ilmselge, et mul jĂ€i sĂŒda ikka Taani. Ma ei maganud sellel ööl, jĂ€rgmisel hommikul hakkasime Werbellinsee poole sĂ”itma. Ma jĂ€in bussis magama Taanis, Ă€rkasin kuskil Saksamaa kiirteel ja mul sĂ”itis katus Ă€ra. Mulle jĂ”udis kohale, et see on pĂ€riselt, et me ei keera tagasi Taani poole. Ma mĂ€letan selgelt, et kui me vennaga eelneval pĂ€eval sellest rÀÀkisime, siis ĂŒtlesin talle, et ma tean kĂŒll, et ma sĂ”idan kohe-kohe Ă€ra, aga osa minust loodab ikkagi, et ma viin kohe oma asjad ĂŒlesse oma tuppa tagasi, pakin lahti ja elan Ă”nnelikult siin edasi. Ja sellel kiirteel sai selgeks see, et seda ei juhtu. Ma nutsin peaaegu terve tee sinna YES laagrisse.
 Ma ei maganud ĂŒkski öö sel nĂ€dalal. Ma ei maganud, kui me bussiga Eesti poole sĂ”itsime. Ma ei maganud esimesel ööl Eestis. Ma ei julgenud korteris mitte midagi teha, ma ei julgenud oma voodis magada, sest see tundus nii vÔÔras ja vale ja liiga ĂŒksik. Ma ĂŒritasin pĂ”randal magada, aga sellest ei tulnud eriti midagi vĂ€lja. JĂ€rgmisel hommikul otsustasin ma vanaemale kĂŒlla minna. Enne seda kĂ€isin poest lĂ€bi, et talle ĂŒht-teist kaasa osta. Naine kassas ĂŒtles mulle eesti keeles tere ja kĂŒsis, kas mul kliendikaarti on. Ma ei osanud talle midagi vastata, lihtsalt seisin seal nagu kits autotulede valguses. Ma hakkasin nutma, sest ma ei teadnud, mida teha.Â
Praeguseks on olukord vĂ€hem dramaatiline, kuid endiselt imelik. Ma mĂ”tlen taani keeles, ning tĂ”lgin vĂ€ljendeid otse sealt ĂŒle. See lĂ”ppeb tavaliselt sellega, et mu laused on seosetud, vĂ”i kaotavad selle mĂ”tte, mida ma algselt tahtsin edastada. Kui keegi minuga rÀÀgib, ning ma tĂ€hele ei pane, siis vastan automaatselt taani keeles, endaga ma rÀÀgin loomulikult taani keeles. Mul on praegu liiga palju vaba aega, kooli alguseni on ka peaaegu poolteist kuud. Ma magan poole pĂ€evani, ning siis luban endale, et homme olen produktiivsem, kuigi reaalsuses pole ma kodust lahkunud viimased kolm pĂ€eva. Ăeldakse ju kĂŒll, et aeg parandab kĂ”ik... kui palju aega selleks vaja on?Â
Ma arvan, et kĂ”ige tĂ€htsam vĂ”i olulisem on see, et ma olen enda ĂŒle kuradima uhke. Ma suutsin ikkagi terve selle 11 kuud Ă€ra teha. Jah, mul oli raskeid hetki, ikka vĂ€ga raskeid, kus minu jaoks tundus ainukeseks vĂ€ljapÀÀsuks tagasi Eestisse tulek, vĂ”i midagi natuke lĂ”plikumat. Sellest kĂ”igest hoolimata ei andnud ma siiski alla, vaid vĂ”itlesin lĂ”puni, ning lĂ”pp hea, kĂ”ik hea. Olen kindel, et kĂ”ik need positiivsed elamused ja mĂ€lestused kaaluvad kogu halva tuhandekordselt ĂŒle. Ătlen lihtsalt ĂŒhe korra veel, ma sain hakkama!
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 I've been in Estonia for almost three weeks.
Phew, I donât know where I should begin. I have so much and at the same time nothing at all to say. I could write a retrospective on my year, but I doubt anyone would like to read it. I could write about the three weeks I've been back, but I don't have anything to write about. I'm just gonna start here and see where I end up.
I wanted to do a separate post about this, but now it seemed a bit strange. A few weeks before my departure, my parents and I went to the northernmost point of Denmark, GrenÄ, and the nearby town of Skagen. Although the weather was not great, I was still totally fascinated by this whole trip. We also visited Skagen's museum, that was a great experience as well. We left home on Friday afternoon and came back on Sunday. My dad and I spent most of early Sunday in ARoS, the Aarhus Art Museum. For me it was the third time being there, but ARoS is the kind of place where I would gladly go back at any time. This time they haf an exhibition of Robert Mapplethorpe's photographs. It was quite amazing, I didn't know much about him before, but after I got home that evening, I made a small search on Google to find out more about him. I told my father that if I ever, by some miracle, become rich, I'd love to have some of his photos on my wall.
As my older brother graduated from high school, it was accompanied by a whole lot of celebrations and traditions. From the cap to the studenterkĂžrsel, which is basically a decorated flatbed truck, where the entire class gets in and they will be driven through each student's home. Throughout the tour, of course, they will be drinking and even more at each stop they make. We were the last stop for Mikkel's class, and they were about two hours late. I also graduated from secondary school, in a way, so they asked me to make a speech to my school's graduation ceremony. I had absolutely no idea what should I say. I did my usual improvisational routine, it seemed that at least the graduates liked it.
My last day in my Danish home, we had a graduation perty for Mikkel, my farewell party, and my younger sister, Elizabeth's, farewell party. She's leaving for her exchange year in the US in late July. It was actually exctemely sweet and nice, except for the fact that I was crying for the msot of it. However, it was time to leave the party, say my farewell to everyone, take my things and drive to the YFU house. Before that, the five of us drove to the local park for ice cream and one last walk. I still tear up even now, when I think of these last moments and goodbyes. As one friend recently told me that it is obvious that I left my heart in Denmark. I did not sleep that night. The next morning, we began to drive toward Werbellinsee. I fell asleep on the bus in Denmark, woke up somewhere on the highway in Germany and I freaked out. It occurred to me that this was really happening, that we were not going to turn back towards Denmark. I remember clearly that I talked about that with my older brother the day before, and I told him that I know that I'm leaving any minute, but a part of me still hopes, that this is all a joke. That I'm going to take my things back to my room, unpack, and live happily ever after. And there on the motorway, it became clear that this will not happen. I cried almost the whole way to the YES camp.
I did not sleep any night that week. I did not sleep, when we drove to Estonia. I did not sleep the first night back in my apartment. I did not dare to do anything, I did not dare to sleep in my bed, because it seemed so strange and false and too lonely. I tried to sleep on the floor, but it didn't really work out. The next morning, I decided to go to my grandmother. Before that I went through the store to buy a some things to take with me. The cashier said hello to me in Estonian, and asked me if I had a membership card. I didn't know how to answer her, I just stood there like a deer in headlights. I just started to cry because I did not know what to do.
Today, the situation is less dramatic, but still weird. I think in Danish and translate phrases directly over from there. It usually ends with the fact that my sentences are incoherent, or lose the meaning of what I originally wanted to say. If someone speaks to me, and I'm not paying attention, I will automatically answer in Danish. I currently have too much free time, there's almost one and a half months left until school starts. I sleep for half the day, and then promise myself that tomorrow I'll be more productive, though in reality I have not left home for the last three days. There is a saying that time's supposed to heal everything ... how much time do you need?
I think the most important thing is, that I'm goddamn proud of myself. I did all of the 11 months. Yes, there were some really dark times, where the only way out seemed to be sent home, or something even more final. Despite everything, I still made it. And if the end is good, it's all good. I am sure that all of these positive experiences and memories will outweigh the bad ones a thousandfold. Let me say just one more time, I made it!