I want to be myself but I donât know who I am anymore
ehk rÀÀgin natukene sellest, mis tegelikult toimub
JÀrgnev tekst ei ole mÔeldud halvaga, ma ei kirjuta seda selleks, et kedagi hirmutada vÔi panna teid arvama, et mul ei ole siin hea. Ma lihtsalt tunnen, et pean sellest rÀÀkima.
VĂ”ib-olla on mĂ”ned inimesed mĂ€rganud, et ma ei kirjuta enam blogisse, Facebooki lehele, ega vasta eriti mulle saadetud kirjadele. Need vĂ€hesed postitused kannavad endas mingit kurbusenooti, kuigi ma ĂŒritan neid kirjutada nii positiivselt, kui vĂ€hegi vĂ”imalik. Kui sul ei ole midagi ilusat öelda, siis pĂ€rem vaiki.
Lugesin tÀna KÀtrini blogist postitust kultuuriƥoki kohta, ja mÔistsin, et see vastab tÀpselt sellele, mida ma praegu lÀbi elan.
YFU Eesti poolt saadud EllujÀÀmisĂ”pik defineerib kultuuriĆĄokki jĂ€rgmiselt: âNormaalne reaktsioon nendele suurtele muutustele, millega tuleb kohaneda. Tunned ilmselt suurt sisemist konflikti oma uute ja vanade vÀÀrtuste vahel. VĂ”id tunda end eemaletĂ”ugatuna, agressiivsena vĂ”i isoleerituna maailmas, mis ei jaga sinu tegemisi, mĂ”tteviisi, kĂ€itumist ja isegi ei âmĂ”istaâ sind. FĂŒĂŒsilised sĂŒmptomid (unisus, tahaks palju ja kogu aeg magada; toiduharjumused on muutunud- sööd vĂ€hem vĂ”i rohkem kui vanasti; nutmine; kergelt haigestumineâŠ) ja ka vaimsed sĂŒmptomid (tunned end ĂŒksikuna; tĂŒdimus; koduigatsus; kodu idealiseerimine; sĂ”ltuvuse tunne; ujedus; vaenulikkus; sotsiaalne tagasitĂ”mbumine; suur mure oma tervise ja turvalisuse pĂ€rast; reeglite vastu mĂ€ssamine; stereotĂŒĂŒpide loomine vahetusriigistâŠ) vĂ”ivad ilmneda. Enesehinnangu langus on ka vĂ€ga sage. Tugev ebameeldivustunne vastuvĂ”tva maa kultuuri suhtes, eksisteerimise kĂŒsimus: kes ma ĂŒldse olen ja miks ma olen?â
Ătlen ausalt, et mina olen praegu selles teises kuristikus. Ăhtlasi peavad kĂ”ik eelpool mainitud âsĂŒmptomidâ minu puhul paika.
Mis tunded valdavad kultuuriĆĄokis olevat inimest?
Sa tahad hĂ€sti palju uusi asju teha, sest sa tunned, nagu sa raiskad oma aega ja sa ei kasuta seda vĂ”imalust piisavalt, samas sa ei tee mitte midagi. Sa oled kurb ja sa ei tea miks. Sa tahad nutta. Sa tunned, et mitte keegi ei mĂ”ista sind, isegi siis, kui teised vahetusĂ”pilased ĂŒtlevad, et nad elavad sama asja lĂ€bi. Sa tunned, et sina oled kĂ”iges sĂŒĂŒdi. Samas tunned sa, et ka teised on mĂ”ningates asjades sĂŒĂŒdi. Sa tunned, et sa ei meeldi mitte kellelegi ja et neil oleks ilma sinut lihtsam. Sa tunned, et saaksid ĂŒksinda palju paremini hakkama, seega oled oma toas. Sa tahad end tunda vabalt ja tahad olla sina ise, aga sa ei tea enam, kes sa oled. Sa tahad koju, aga sa ei tea, kus kodu on. Sa tunned, et ei saa oma vahetusmaal teha asju, mida sa kodus tegid. Sa tunned, et pead selle aasta Ă€ra kannatama, et siis Eestisse tagasi minna ja teha kĂ”ike toredat, mida sa enne tegid. Sa tunned, nagu sa ĂŒritad tĂ€iega ja annad endast kĂ”ik, aga olukord ei muutu paremaks. Sulle tundub, et teistel lĂ€heb kĂ”ik suurepĂ€raselt ja sina oled ainuke, kellel on raskusi. Sa hakkad kahtlema, kas see oli ikka Ă”ige otsus. Sa tunned, nagu sa oled maailma kĂ”ige halvem vahetusĂ”pilane.
Kuidas erineb kultuuriĆĄokk tavalisest koduigatsusest?
Minu isiklik arvamus on, et koduigatsus on otseselt seotud sinu kodumaa ja kodukohaga. Pereliikmete, sĂ”prade ja tuttavatega. KultuuriĆĄokk on aga periood, kus sa ei tea enam, kes sa ise oled ja kus su kodu on. Sa otsid seda ĂŒhtekuuluvustunnet, sa tahad tunda end koduselt, sa tahad olla oma vahetusmaa kultuuri ja ĂŒhiskonnaga ĂŒks. Koduigatsuse puhul tahad sa koju tagasi, sa tahad tagasi tuttavasse keskkonda, kus sa saad olla sina ise. KultuuriĆĄokiga on aga see tunne, et sa tahad olla sina ise, aga sa ei tea enam, kes sa oled. Sa tead, et sa ei ole sama inimene, kes sa olid enne vahetusaastale minekut, aga sa tead ka, et sa ei ole veel 100% uus inimene. Sa ei tunne ennast enam Ă€ra, sest sa oled muutunud.
Kuidas kultuuriĆĄokiga toime tulla?
RÀÀgi. Lihtsalt rÀÀgi hĂ€sti palju, rÀÀgi oma sĂ”prade ja perega. Kui sa ei tunne, et sa julged oma vahetusperele sellistest asjadest rÀÀkida, siis rÀÀgi oma kontaktisikuga, aga pĂŒĂŒa ka oma vahetusperega rÀÀkida. Alusta nĂ€iteks ainult ĂŒhet inimesest, sa ei pea kogu oma perekonda kokku koguma ja siis nende ees mingit kĂ”ne pidama hakkama. Mine nĂ€iteks oma vahetusĂ”e juurde ja kĂŒsi, et kas me saaksime rÀÀkida, mul on hetkel vĂ€ga raske ja ma tunnen, et ma pean sellest kellelegi rÀÀkima. Jah, ma tean, et igal pool rÀÀgitakse, et Ă€ra rÀÀgi sellistest asjadest oma pĂ€risperele ja sĂ”pradele Eestis, aga minu isiklik arvamus on, et vanematele rÀÀkimine aitab. Muidugi on see kĂ”igi puhul individuaalne, aga minul see aitas.
Samuti kirjuta kĂ”ik oma halvad mĂ”tted ĂŒles, nĂ€iteks pĂ€evikusse vĂ”i lihtsalt kuskile paberile. Pane kuupĂ€ev peale ja jĂ€ta see sinnapaika. See on möödas ja kĂ€es on uus pĂ€ev. VĂ€ga lihtne on halbadesse mĂ”tetesse kinni jÀÀda, aga see ei ole lahendus. Sellisel viisil ei muutu mitte midagi paremaks.Â
Ăra isoleeri ennast oma vahetusperest ja sĂ”pradest. Minu jaoks oli see kĂ”ige tavalisem, sest ma lihtsalt ei tahtnud mitte kellegagi rÀÀkida ja ma tundsin, et ma saan ĂŒksinda paremini hakkama. Jah, ma rÀÀkisin teiste vahetusĂ”pilastega, aga ma ei suhelnud taanlastega. Sa ei pea isegi kogu aeg nendega suhtlema, lihtsalt ole nĂ€htaval. Kui su vahetusisa vaatab nĂ€iteks igal Ă”htul uudiseid, siis ole temaga samas ruumis ja loe nĂ€iteks raamatut. See nĂ€itab, et sa oled ikkagi neist huvitatud ja tahad nendega koos olla.
MĂ”tle sellele, kui vĂ€ga sa seda aastat tahtsid ja kui vĂ€ga sa selle nimel pingutasid. MĂ”tle kĂ”ikidele inimestele, kes sind siia aitasid ja kes sind toetasid. MĂ”tle nendele inimestele, keda sa inspireerid. Mulle on kirjutanud paar inimest, kes ĂŒtlesid, et nad loevad mu blogi ja tahavad ise ka vahetusaastale minna. See on ausalt ka maailma parim tunne, kui sa saad öelda, et sa oled kedagi inspireerinud. Need vĂ€iksed sĂ”numid teevad mu pĂ€eva nii palju kordi paremaks.
Viimased nĂ€dalad on olnud rasked, ja ma sain lĂ”puks aru, miks. Ma arvasin, et minu jaoks on see kulturiĆĄokiperiood juba ammu möödas, aga tegelikult olin ma alles selle alguses. NĂŒĂŒd loodan, et asjad lĂ€hevad ainult paremaks, pĂ€rast vihma tuleb alati vikerkaar.
Ăhtlasi tahan tĂ€nada kĂ”iki inimesi, kes mind on siia aidanud ja kes mind endiselt toetavad! Ilma teieta ei oleks see kĂ”ik vĂ”imalik ja ma olen teile ĂŒlimalt tĂ€nulik. Ja aitĂ€h ka supertoetavatele Eesti VĂPidele! Ăheskoos suudame me kĂ”ike.
Me oleme maailmakodanikud
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The following text is not intended to mean harm, I do not write this to scare anyone or make you think that I am not enjoying my time here. I just feel that I have to talk about this.
Some of you might have noticed that I donât update my blog, Facebook page, or respond to the messages that are sent to me. The few posts that I have made, have a sense of sadness to them, even though I try to write as positively as possible. If you do not have anything nice to say, donât say it at all.
I read KĂ€trinâs blog post about the culture shock today, and I realized that it is exactly what I am currently going through.
What is culture shock?
The survival guides that YFU Estonia gave us defines culture shock as follows: âA normal reaction to these major changes, which you must adapt to. Perhaps you feel a great inner conflict between your old and new values. You may feel unloved, aggressive, or isolated from the world, which does not share your thoughts, behavior and does not âunderstandâ you. Physical symptoms (sleepiness, you want to sleep a lot and all the time, food habits are changed- eat more or less than before, crying, getting sick really easily âŠ), as well as mental symptoms (feeling lonely, boredom, homesickness, idealization of your home, coyness, hostility, social withdrawal, a major concern for their health and security, feeling rebellios against the rules, creating stereotypes from your host country âŠ) may occur. Drop in self-esteem is also very common. Strong feeling of discomfort towards the culture of the host country, the question of existence: Who am I and why am I? â
I will say honestly that I am now in the second "holeâ. And all of the âsymptomsâ apply to me.
How does a person experiencing the culture shock feel?
You want to do a lot of new things because you feel like youâre wasting your time, and you are not using this opportunity enough, but you can not do anything. Youâre sad and you do not know why. You want to cry. You feel that no one can understand you, even if the other exchange students say that they are going through the same thing. You feel that you are guilty of everything. However, you feel that others are to blame in some cases. You feel like people donât like you, and that youâre a burden to them. You feel that you can handle things much better on your own, so youâre in your room. You want to feel free and that you can be yourself, but you do not know who you are anymore. You want to go home, but you do not know where home is. You feel that you can not do the things you did at home. You feel that you need to just suck it up and suffer through this year so that you can go back home and to the things you want to do. You feel like youâre trying really hard and that youâre giving all youâve got but things are not changing. For you, it seems that all the other exchange students are doing perfectly and youâre the only one who has problems. You begin to wonder whether it was still the right decision. You feel like youâre the worldâs worst exchange student.
Whatâs the difference between culture shock and homesickness?
My personal opinion is that homesickness is directly related to your homeland and your home. Family members, friends and acquaintances. Culture shock is, however, a period where you do not know who you are and where your home is. Youâre looking for that sense of belonging, you want to feel at home, you want to be one of the culture and society in your host country. Homesickness means that you want to return home, you want to return to a familiar environment where you can be yourself. Culture shock, however, is the feeling that you want to be yourself, but you do not know who you are. You know that youâre not the same person you were before the exchange year, but you also know that you are not yet 100% new person. You do not recognise yourself anymore because youâve changed.
How to cope with the culture shock?
Speak up. Just talk a lot, talk to your friends and family. If you do not feel that you feel comfortable enough to talk about these things with your host family then talk to your contact person. But try to talk to your host family. Start, for example, with one person, you do not have to gather your whole family and make a speech in front of them. Go to your host sister for example, and ask if you two could talk. Yes, I know that everyone says that talk to your biological family and friends back home about these things, but my personal opinion is that talking to my mom helps. Of course, this is all individual, but for me it helped.
Also, write down all your bad thoughts in a diary or just on a piece of paper somewhere. Put a date on it and just leave it be. That is over and today is a new day. It is easy to get caught in bad thoughts, but that is not going to help you in any way.
Do not isolate yourself from your host family and friends. For me it was what I did all the time, because I just did not want to talk to anyone and I felt that I could do better alone. Yes, I talked to the other exchange students, but I did not communicate with the Danes. But you donât even have to talk to your host family all the time, just be visible. If your host father watches the news every evening, then sit in the same room with him and read a book, for example. This indicates that you are still interested in them and want to spend time with them.
Think about how much you wanted this year and how hard you worked for it. Think of all the people who helped you here, and who supported you. Think of the people who youâre inspiring with your year. I have received a couple of messages from people, saying that they read my blog and now want to go on exchange themselves. This is honestly the best feeling in the world. These little messages to make my day so many times better.
Final thoughts
Recent weeks have been difficult, and I finally understand why. I thought that I had already been through the culture shock periof, but I was actually just at the beginning. I just hope that things will get better from here on. There is always a rainbow after a hurricane.
Also, I want to thank all the people who helped me get here, and who continue to support me! Without you all this would not be possible, and I am extremely grateful to you. And thanks to super supportive Estonian exchange students! Together we can do everything.
We are citizens of the world
Kadri