just writing

it hasn't been an easy time lately. for the past two years, I've been dealing with numerous health issues. I wish I could tell my family everything, but I can't. what I do tell them is brushed off, taken as a joke. they tell me that it'll pass, because it simply can't be as bad as I make it out to be. but they don't know the full story.

recently, i felt a lump on my breast. I didn't know what to do, so I ignored it. but it was painful, more painful than anything else. my breasts have always been sensitive and now with added... mass? it was worse. i finally told the doctor after four months, and he did a simple test and concluded that it was probably nothing. he sent me to do lab work (mammogram and ultrasound) and that was it. i would be back in three weeks for results.

i did the mammogram last week. nothing scary, I suppose. or maybe it hasn't hit me. the doctor was nice, but informed me that there was a mass on my left breast. she told me to head down the hall to do the actual mammogram. it hurt to do, the plates squeeze you horribly and It felt like i was going to bruise. afterwards, i went home and didn't say anything. they told me to come back in a week to do an ultrasound.

today was the ultrasound. the nurse told me she would only take a few pictures. she did, of my right breast. when she got to the left one, she took more pictures. she must have spent ten minutes on the left one, digging the probe into it as if looking. i didn't tell her about the mass the other doctor had found, but it seemed like she already knew. the doctor came in and took more photos, looked in more places the nurse must have missed. she spent ten minutes in there, as well, before telling me that my primary doctor will get the results in a week.

staring up at the ceiling in the tiny doctor's office, head above my heads, it hit me. I'm under thirty. I've had chronic shoulder/back pain for a year. I've been at the doctors every week since last july. but, for the most part, i am for the healthy, and i'm having a potential cancer scare. the nurse who had done my mammogram last week had said I was too young to be worried about it, and reassured me everything was fine. i turned to reddit, because it's mostly reliable, and several commenters said that their lumps turned out to be benign.

I sat in a park afterwards. maybe two hours, just under a tree. i couldn't cry. i have no pity for myself, but I am afraid. I'm afraid it'll be cancer. i have no one left. my sisters have their families, and I have no one. my mother is dead and my father is in another country. I am so afraid of dealing with this all alone.

I know i have to think rationally, and I'm trying. if it is cancer, then what? my insurance might help me find the best options available. maybe a mastectomy to cut out the mass. i don't mind surgery if it will fix the issues. then what? i don't know and I am afraid to look up what will happen afterwards.

i will know the results next week, but my anxiety is killing me. my stomach is in pain just thinking about it, and I try not to let the thoughts linger. i have a job and pets, I need to focus on them rather than anything else, but that is easier said than done.

but i do it anyway

its not fair to miss you because I let the relationship go years ago. i was hurt, because you were unfairly mean to me for no reason, and instead of apologizing for what you said, you apologized because I found out. I was mad, too, because it was one of your friends who told me what you had said about me, and I saw that you let other people say mean things about me, all while you laughed along. after being best friends for eight years, how could you do that to me?

i thought we were going to be friends forever. we had known each other since we were teenagers. while we were not physically close,I truthfully believed we were a one-in-a-million story. a story other long-distance friends would read about, because we knew one other so well and clicked instantly. I think of your family often, of your pets, and of you. even when my heart hurts because of what you did, or didn't do, I still think fondly of you.

letting the relationship go wasn't easy. but after telling you what I knew and ignoring your response, all I could do was stare at the conversation thread. how much of what we had said had been passed around your other friend group? how much of what I had confided in you had been used as a punchline from you? all your secrets, every piece of you that I cherished, sits safely in my heart, where I will carry it for eternity. i was foolish for believing you had done the same to my secrets, but now I am not sure.

I deleted the conversation thread that night. i don't remember if I blocked you on social media or if I simply made a new account. all I know is everything that connected us was severed. all the screenshots I had of our conversations, images I had saved since we were fifteen and sixteen years old, were gone. many messages were long, heartfelt, and honest. i believe they were honest, because back then we were newly friends, and all the emotions we felt were real. but, they are gone. i do regret it now, because it was proof that someone loved me, despite everything, even for a moment.

it's not fair to miss you this much. it's not fair to me. i loved you, up until recently. up until i remembered the messages between you and your friend, laughing at my expense. there is no hatred in my heart, but there is no love either. i cherish the time we had together, but i do not wish you back into my life.

yet, there are moments when i think of you. when the summer breeze picks up, the sun beating down on my skin, I think of you. your birthday is in the summertime, and I think of you then, too. i think of you when I hear songs from ten, fifteen years ago. back when we were both obsessed with the same band and would wait for their new music to drop every november. it hurts to listen to them, even if the songs are upbeat, which is pathetic. they remind me of you. when I see purple flowers, beautiful and vibrant, I think of you.

it's not fair to miss you because I know you do not miss me. i don't know what made you change, if it was me, or your life becoming difficult, or something else, but I felt it. you must have, too. i felt it in the way I would text you and wouldn't receive an answer back for hours. i waited, I know you were busy and I was too. still, I waited. then another text, because I loved talking to you. again, nothing. until you responded, I waited. it was a single word text, but I was happy you did it anyway. it's pathetic to get a one-word answer after sending one, two, many texts, but you were my friend. i would have wait a thousand years for you to send a single word. maybe you knew it then, that you didn't love me anymore, that you were tired of our friendship.

I ended the friendship because you said that I could talk to you whenever I felt like it, after half-apologizing. i didn't want to talk to you. what would have stayed between us, and what would you have told your friends in secret? i deleted the thread, then your number, and then never contacted you again. I want to, sometimes. i see a cute picture of a dog, or a rabbit, or a cat, and I think that you would like it. but I do not talk to you. i see your celebrity crush and I think that you would say something hilarious if I sent it to you. but I do not want to talk to you. something happens in my life and I want to talk to you. but I don't. i want to talk about your life, to ask about your family and you, but. i don't.

you have given me a new fear in life. the fear that, despite everything I do, people will leave. i believed we would eventually move closer to one another, to spend the rest of our lives together, laughing, and aging. you would have your family, and I mine, and we would be together. but, it didn't end that way. because of me, because of you. because I ended the friendship.

ever mattering to anyone

the way I thought

every birthday

every christmas

every new year

of the things we promised each other

the plans we had made

the memories we wanted

the words we whispered to each other

the wish to hold one another

the need to be together

I remember

every word we ever said

about how we would love

unconditionally

in completeness

sometimes i feel guilty for how things ended up

other times i become upset that she let us go

so easily

and maybe she's upset too

that i havent reached out

i haven't spoken her name in years

maybe she's waiting for me

giving me space

time

to think of everything i need to say

to make things better between

us

but the truth is

my ego is so much stronger

and i can't form a thought

a sentence

anything to say to her

to tell her that i love her and

that in the night sky

when the stars are twinkling