Life is short

Today I want to tell you a story.A story that is very common you might have heard or seen but its a sure thing to read because its my story . So this is how it all started .15 years ago there were two friends.They used to play everyday and liked each other’s company alot.They built sand castles together , kitchen sets together , homework together and everything.One fine day they had to part themselves away because of their parent’s jobs. They promised each other that they will never forget each other and would make an effort to keep in contact with each . They hugged each other and gave goodbye kisses.As time passed by they grew up to be two beautiful young women every guy dreamt of.They met each other again in an examination hall when they were trying pass the question paper.They were taken aback for few minutes. They wanted to hold hands and talk for hours and hours. Once they finished the exam they ran to the parking lot sat in their car and started talking endlessly . The day seemed to be small for their conversations .They went home and started texting each other about everything . They were so happy that they forgot to sleep that night.They had similar thoughts similar tastes similar choices and similar relationships. In their deep conversations they realized that they have fallen for the same Mr. Not So Right . The messages paused for couple of minutes .They din’t know who should start or how to end.So they decided to play a game. A life changing game which will decide who should go for him................

They say you grow as you experience things.I am sure I have outgrown and I have seen Life from a different perspective trying to unlove you. Your company, your love ,your intimacy has give me the extraordinary  power to control my mind.I am able to conquer it and I think I can work like a machine switching it off switching it on , refreshing memory. Only thing my mind is unable to do is to erase you from my memory. Our paths crossed somehow but we know we cannot stay in each other’s company for a long time. If we do we would end up hating each other for our life . Till Death do us apart is what you promised me . But as we know promises are meant to be broken and you are the best example for it. Death din’t part us away it’s Destiny that is going to part us away just like it gave another chance to me to be absorbed in you.I wish we had the whole life but I knew I was never a choice but always will remain an option . The option that is the easiest to find and the most vulnerable to possess.You showed  me all the 4 letters words  LOVE , LIKE ,HATE ,LUST but you FUCKed it up badly .

Everyone wants to be happy , atleast  hopes to be happy. When something happens which you din’t want to or which you din’t expect to happen , you feel sad .When something you want desperately doesn’t happen you lose hope on it .When something you were waiting from a long time to happen doesn’t ,you feel  dejected . If the cycle of  NO’s , the repeated failures ,the feeling of being rejected or mocked at everytime , the fear  of failure stabbing you till death , the fear of losing your love , the loss of loved one , the fear of future being hopeless  keeps on happening like a cycle you end being that person you never wanted to be or that person whom you think is worthless to live . You fear to express your fears to your friends or parents or anyone because you are in a very vulnerable state where you feel everyone is judging you and yes people do judge you because they never had “Human Psychology”  as part of their curriculum in their schooling .So where is the awareness .We all know Newton’s laws , we are well aware of perpendicular theorems, we are well versed with human body parts .But we neglected the most important part the brain and human emotions . When we understand that and try to save ourselves or others ,I think yes we created a better place to live or atleast we contributed our part to it . We have so many fears within us . We have to let them out .To let them out we need a caring  and a trustworthy person who listens to us .But the irony of today’s world is we don’t find such people in our life.Who is ready to take shit and give shit these days. Everybody is selfish in his/her own ways .We cannot be selfless because we don’t have time for others .Friends might be able to help you for some part but cannot fulfill the void space in your heart. Emptiness is when you sit among people and you don’t know or don’t have the interest to join that conversation because your mind feels you are too vulnerable to talk or too scared of a breakdown. This emptiness needs to be acknowledged. Blessed are those  who have great company  around who always  encourage them and motivate them. While other suffer it all alone and come up with a smile to hide their fears because they are too scared to be proved wrong for the decisions they have taken . If you cannot change someone’s life for good don’t be responsible to ruin their life .

Because you know he was never yours and you can never be his .But you love the idea of loving him. All that it matters is my 10 sec with you.

#withyou

I grew up listening to stories , all those fascinating stories where the boy loves the girl unconditionally and will love her life long and will love her only lifelong.Every story had a loving kiss and a happy ending .I grew up to be a women who believed that there is slightest chance of  Magic to  happen in reality  and some day I would kiss you  and you will be mine forever and our story would end with a happy note.But reality is hard to believe and Magic exists only in those tales. Everything between us flashed for a moment , the love , the lust , the jealousy , the anger everything .I thought this is the way Love is supposed to be  and this is how the endings feels like .Indeed loving you and being loved and being in love was magical but I was never your love , I was just an affair like any other one  which is real and you are my Lie my biggest Lie hard to reveal and even hard to forget.Indeed you made me believe that Magic is a realistic lie .

I wanted to bid a final goodbye to you and the place we had the best moments.This time I din’t dress up like the usual way. I was on my couch sitting  and waiting for you ,not sure how to tell you how much I will miss you or how much I will feel  unloved once you step out of the door and leave me forever .Knowing the fact that I will not see you again made me feel weak . While I was consumed in my own thoughts , the doorbell rang and as I was walking towards the door every step I felt so much pain of losing you which I already did . Every step was towards you literally but actually away from you emotionally .I had the courage to open the door and see you and hug you tightly with all my heart .Din’t want to leave you but I had to . I cried and cried in his arms . He wiped every tear of mine and kissed me . Females are designed to be the cuddle receivers always unlike men. I wanted to freeze the moment hoped world could stop for a moment . After few minutes of silence and our cuddling ,it was the time the moment to leave each other forever and ever . It was hard for him but Men have this amazing power to hide emotions and relations  and go on with life . Women have the power to  show emotions and read Men’s minds . For a nano second I felt I really felt that you never loved me you never wanted me , all this was just your part of trying new things .Trying new women . I might be right might not be but that thought for that moment made me hate you , that is enough for me to forget you.You left and I was still strong , stronger than before wiped my tears started to comfort myself ,but then you turned back and waved I fell for you again .Goodbyes are never good . 

Do you know the fact that every thought or every reaction our body does is through the mind and not the heart. Our mind has the capability to start liking someone because of a chemical Oxytocin . I believe very strongly that anxiety ,love ,hate  or any other such strong feeling is because of this wavering chemical released by our brain. I want to pen down even stronger words but I am too afraid to hurt you or hurt myself with words. I very well know things are not the same how they used to be . I wanted a change a big one away from and  apart from you . I don’t know how to handle change because it’s always a constant . I want to forget you because I want to fall in love with something , someone or somewhere else . Every relationship is about give and take that is how the universe works. I gave too much to this  , I got it back too but its just like the way your heart beats not constant enough for me to be strong or think positive about our relation. I hate to be ignored but I hate it more to love you  .My thoughts are not vivid right now , it feels like a speck of dust has stuck in my eye  and I want to get rid of it but cannot . I am happy that it is making my eyes wet and tears rolling down my cheeks.My throat is thirsty because it dint taste your love . My Life is void and voidness has absorbed me just like a black hole does. 

Unexpected things happen to people and so you did happen to me . I enjoyed this feeling of bliss and eternal love . I want to save in my white matter our times of making love .Our paths somehow crossed and we just experienced a new feeling ,you showed me a new me .I experienced all the things that stay with me forever .But I believe that  anything for a profound period of time might not really give me the eternal happiness. I always wanted to be with you to be around you to be part of you and always wanted to see how the new life of us would look like .How would our creation would look like . I wanted you to be with me in our 9 months journey of us to create our  new life .  I wanted to first one you see when you wake up you and  the last one you see before you close your eyes . As we know anything that starts will have to have an end .I sat on my bed gazing at the stars , want to relieve myself from you ,want to unlove you and want to move on. I am someone else now ant not yours anymore like always . I want to find solace in his arms . I want to start fresh and I want you to forget me  like you did couple of years ago. There was just a part of me that always has you that feels your touch and feels your lips whenever I close my eyes . I just want you to say me the 3 words I have been waiting to hear “Be mine forever “ and just end this .

We both were still lying in the freaking elevator.We wanted to kill time and get out of it . He initiated a conversation have you ever missed him when you were alone or what do think about him when he is with her.I was holding my voice very tight not letting a single word to be uttered .I wanted to tell him how I feel ,how terrible I feel when you know he can never be yours and you have to accept that fact and give yourself to him because you don’t have an option and when you very well know you are an option.You cannot start any other relationship with anyone because you know you are already in a toxic relationship which does not have panacea . You want to know every detail of the way he makes love to her ,every feeling he feels , the way she smells ,the way he feels when he touches her, the way he kisses her , the way he allows himself into her , every detail .I always want  to know every bit of it but too weak to actually forget it .Because your mind can accept the reality but your heart is too weak to feel it .When I am alone I want him to be with me hold me and cuddle me . I wonder if he feels the same , if so why does he never express ,because he is a MAN . Oh yeah Men have a big dick unlike heart.But still women fall for their heart because its not always  hard . Women are weird they cannot handle too much of anything Love or hate .Men are weird too they can handle everything just like its their cup of tea.I sometimes wish I was her and was in his bed next to him brushing his hair with my hand and give him a goodnight kiss. Wake up beside him and cuddle him up in the morning. I know Im the not the moon in his sky , Im just like any other star which is actually very insignificant to the eye.Never have I ever I felt this way before till I actually realized he is nowhere near me and can never make me the moon in his eyes .

As time passed by,I was trying to understand or draw a retrospective of my life.I suddenly could not control my emotions and started bursting out .I was weeping and weeping and he asked me why are you weeping is it because of me which made you realize something and make you feel guilty.I told him no it not you its just my mind which had popped a bad memory which couldn’t hold back and expressed itself through tears.I. told him I had a very bad phase in my life and I remember where it all started .It happened to be  in an elevator like this . We both met accidentally in an elevator after many days.We both were only there and we need to go 11 floors up . We were few feet apart but it felt like miles apart. He looked at me ,but I din’t dare to because If I did I knew what would have happen .I would be in his arms in no moment. He stopped the elevator so that we can continue to explore each other.He came closer and closer walking on the sideways.I moved further to the elevator trying to stay away from him physically.He held me tight and whispered ,I want to make love with you here very deeply . Looks like he sensed what I really wanted .He slowly started kissing me on my neck. I could feel his rapid breathe on me. I was standing firm not to react which I usually do . But I lost it ,I lost it way long back.His presence itself was enough  for me to heighten my senses. I turned towards him opened my shirt as he pulled my panty down.I was onto him on the elevator wall.He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me like no one’s watching.We made love against the elevator door ,he held my thighs in his hands while making love and I really loved it . It was a very quick one but made a huge impact.It proved how much we were into each other and how hard it is to resist each other. If you can control your mind instead of it controlling you ,I think you won your battle for Life .You make enemies in your path its not people who are the enemies but its your mind which tells your or chooses the enemies. My mind chose me.......

I was awestruck by his question and was taken aback for few minutes.Then I was like why are you asking that question now .I thought he had some dirty ideas behind it . He replied no I just wanted to know what would others feel if it was the last 15 minutes in their life all of a sudden. Then I told I don’t want to think about it and I changed the topic to be positive and to divert from any unwanted physical feelings . We sat idle for few minutes , our phones dint work .He started a conversation this time on a positive note about relationship status . To be on the safer side I told him Im a relationship ,it’s quite complicated .He asked me how complicated . I told him like its like rocket science only people are in it will know the loop holes. I asked him the same question . He told he was in a relationship but now not anymore .I asked him why he responded she. had issues . I was all girls have issues and I started .He just came close to know and just shut my mouth with his hands and whispered in my ears “She is no more here ,not alive anymore but only a part of my memory”. I couldn’t digest for a moment , shocked to the core . He saw into my eyes and told me “ I will love her till I reach her”. I felt like Love exists .I was wondering why he din’t move on . I wanted to ask him but  I was not sure about the situation. I paused for sometime and wanted to grill him with questions that being my nature. Then he started slowly he loved her so much and only realized  how much he loved her only when she left him just turned into ashes . He told how much he missed being around her and how much they enjoyed being with each other .I was amazed at the way he was expressing his feelings for her .I never thought boys were capable of it . I din’t know what to say or how to console but he seemed to be very strong thats what boys are meant for . He was like he always had some confessions to confess to her but never . I was like what do you mean. He was like it enough of mine ,what about you . Do you have any confession.I din’t answer for sometime .Then I told him I did have a confession “My complicated relationship with him, cannot get out of it , too vulnerable to him” .

As he waved me good bye ,I was happy felt relieved .But as I opened the door I got back to my lonely world away from you ,away from the feeling of being close to you.I sat on the couch trying to hold you in my thoughts and felt asleep watching the TV. I was dreaming and dreaming all about us .....The alarm woke me up all dizzy . After my morning routine ,I drove  to office.On the way to my office I was thinking about what happened about last night.How intense was our conversation , it was almost like  we were in another world in another universe only you and me . I parked my car and was heading to the elevator. Everything was normal like everyday. Got into the elevator with some other guy. I din’t notice him much because my eyes were blinded by you basically. As the elevator started ,generally it reached my office floor in 20 seconds.But that day day particularly that day it took longer than everyday. All of a sudden the lights started to flicker ,I was scared very very scared ,my heart beat increased rapidly and I was gasping for breathe.The elevator almost moved rapidly at a speed that could actually cause panic attacks.I was screaming on top of my office .Then I heard this voice “Can you please calm down”.I saw him ,he was looking young with a beard and smelled all of ocean and aqua  .He told me we have options to get out .But it din’t look like that for me .The elevator stopped and the door weren’t opening.I was trying calm down and then he saw my i-card and and called my name and told ,it could be some maintainence issue. May be we have to wait for an hour . I was like I am done for the day , I had my anxiety issues.We both sat down and were talking to each other .Then I came to know he is joining our office and that this is his first day of joining. I was talking and we spoke about many issues about office and worklife balance .We paused for sometime  and gave a break , it felt like we know each other so much in that 30 minutes.This is what actually happens when you are clinging to one person in a lone world ,you feel like you know everything about him. He then asked me one question “What would you do right here right now if this was the last day in your life “. I gave him a grin look and was looking into his eyes and felt “Definitely would not want to get stuck here with you”.

#withyou

So after I left his place all wet , I meant my eyes .I started driving back home , I got his call. I was in so much pain and anger I declined his call . He kept calling me again and again , I couldn’t control myself from answering his call . I answered and comes his voice “We should meet”.He told me to stop my car at a particular location. I wanted to clarify many things , I convinced myself he is back to his life and I want to be back to mine . I wanted to end this complicated relationship for once and all so that I don’t get hurt even more . I stopped my car at one point.I came out of the car waiting for him . My whole makeup was gone due to crying . I was okay this time I convinced myself I am fine and anyways its going to be the end. Car lights flashed at me ,I saw his car approaching me he downed his car mirrors and told me to get in. I dint want to argue anymore,I saw him I forgot everything that I was supposed to say or wanted to say. I wanted to hug him tightly and end this .But I am too weak to ignore him and avoid him.He started driving ,there was pindrop silence in the car ,except our heartbeats which no longer beats for each other. I slightly wiped my face as tears were rolling down.He said don’t do that and I bursted out ,weeping badly . He is not to be blamed for but its me ,me for getting into him so much knowing that he is not that into me and he cannot .

Basically human anatomy talks about each and every part of your body the insides. Wish there was something to study about the memory or retain the memory of a person once he/she  is dead.While I was thinking about ways to retain my memory when I’m alive ,I was wondering if I ever crossed your mind when you are with her and not me . Was hoping to sense it  and I took my car keys and drove to your place to stalk you. While I was driving I had many things back on my mind running , how would Life be with you, why am I so addicted to you , why can’t I focus on anything else , why do I want to be around you all the time , why do I want you to call me every now and then , why do I want to have physical relationship with you only, why do I want you to touch me everytime but act like I don’t want it . I was consumed so much in these thoughts expecting you to be in the same zone and check if my presence really makes you happy.I was driving and driving and then I reached to your happy home.I stopped my car a few feet in order to be unnoticeable to anyone . I came out of the car and trying to cover myself so that I am not recognised by anyone. I made sure I smell the best so that you could identify its me hug me and kiss me uncontrollably.I walked slowly towards your house everything was calm so I climbed the stairs that was outside very slowly .It was really really dark ,I can hear only 2 noises one was the crickets and the other my heartbeat. I wanted to surprise you by texting you once I reach the bedroom window. But not to my surprise I saw you,saw you naked with your loved one making the best love you can . The sight of it made me feel like its the end of the world .I heard your every moan and hers too . I could sense the excitement. I was taken aback. I could not tolerate  the sight of it .I just got down the stairs in full haste, went running to my car .Opened the door cried cried and cried till my throat started to pain. I dint know why I was crying when I knew you were already someone else and never mine . I drove all the way back home with teary eyes .I failed to realise that “ You always  loved her and lusted me “.

In life at various points we meet different people.We love to laugh with some, cry with some , share  with some , like to  love some  and want to be loved by some and some with whom we don’t mind sleeping  naked.I had all these people throughout my life . But with that one person ,we actually want to be something else . We want him completely , want to be around his arms  always , want him to cuddle you everytime ,want him to kiss you every now and then , want to smell him and get turned on . And so it happens to be you , the one I want to be with , the one I missed to be with. I was super excited to meet you again like you said “Destiny” . It was a pretty dark night and as always I was eager to meet you and you got me the best wine . We had couple of laughs and gigs .The wine got me too much ,when I starting acting weirdly laughing and laughing because everything seemed to be silly .We were  on our couch drinking trying to get high so that we could relive our old memories . Memories where I was  unnoticeable to you. And from nowhere you were suddenly so close to me ,so close to my lips .I still remember the smell of the red wine from yours.You wanted to feel my boobs ,but I was resisting and hesitating . You couldn’t control yourself and all of a sudden you were onto me. Your touch made me relive one of our memory , this time I couldn’t resist  and I was on you . We kissed for couple of minutes  and then I wanted you to be inside me literally inside me .We were so into each other amidst the dark night licking each other and wanted to make love.The white noise made us feel like we are not heard  or we need anyone at that moment, I remember you whispering in my ears  the words I was waiting to hear  .I know very well boys lie well on bed .But every lie you tell me sounded like a sweet truth.  I wanted to have you so badly not sure the weather or the wine .But I had you ,the most of you that day .  We ended up sleeping on my bed naked you holding my boobs from behind amidst the dark night and the white noise . I still can feel every moment of it  and wish to pause it forever