I don’t say this enough. Actually I’ve never said this before but imagine being one of the disposable henchmen on that fucking ship when it happened. Imagine if one day someone brutally murdered the brother of the deadliest swordsman in all the lands and framed your boss (and therefore your entire gang) for it, so he calls an emergency meeting and declares “well, this is obviously a set up, but there’s no need to panic. I know exactly what’s going on. Somebody is trying to take advantage of his grief and turn the two of us–and our people–against each other, and we’re NOT gonna let them get what they want. I’m going to do whatever it takes to find the person responsible for this and make them pay” and you’re thinking Wow. He’s so good at crisis management. I knew I’d bet on the winning horse when I chose to join this gang. So you stand up and bow to him like “I’m on it boss. Leave it to me” but then your boss just kind of stares blankly at you and goes “what?” And it throws you off balance so you just stare back at him and repeat “what?” And he’s like “what are you ‘on’?”
You can tell that the vibes in the room are getting weird, but you hold your ground and answer: “Uh. Aren’t we going to get in touch with Sect Leader Li and finally tell him you have nothing to do with the murder of his brother? And that we’re gonna need his help in the upcoming investigation? Well the message could reach him before tomorrow morning if we send one of my falcons. I’m on it.” And your boss is like “wrong answer. What you’re ‘on,’ Captain Lu, is my goddamn nerves. Sit the fuck down” and so you do, even though your last name is Sima and you’ve never been a captain so you actually have no idea who the hell he thought he was speaking to. Then your boss is like “anyway. Sorry that you all had to see that. Well I’m sure everyone else in the room agrees that what this guy just suggested was stupid as all fuck, as this couldn’t have more clearly been a matter we’re supposed to handle on our own, instead of unnecessarily bothering a grieving man–who has a funeral to plan and host in a few days–with”
Now the several commanders sitting near him are shifting in their seats and exchanging nervous glances. One of the braver ones finally raises a hand and goes “hey boss? I think handling it on our own is no longer an option. Sect Leader Li just declared war on us and has been leading attacks against our branches across the city himself for two days, you need to contact him right now to tell him you’re not the one who killed his brother. It’s a fucking massacre out there, our men are dropping like flies" but then your boss just looks at her like she’s an idiot and goes "all the more reason for us to leave him alone then. Why would he have time to speak with me when he's busy attacking our men?" Now the vibes in the room have gone thoroughly viscous and rancid, but you think you know exactly what's going on here, so you stand again and announce "we understand. We will stand down for now and wait for further instructions" the guy sitting next to you looks like he wants to say something else, but you give him a look like “I got this. Leave this to me” and that’s the end of the meeting.
Five hours later you go into to your boss’s office (where he stands alone in front of an open window and with his back to you, staring out into the night wistfully) and begin your prepared speech: “Look, boss. I’m sorry that this happened to you. I know this must suck major ass, and I know you’re scared, but you’ve got to go and talk to him. And this isn’t about the peace between our people or the fact that we’re all gonna die horribly if you don’t, it’s for your own good.”
He still hasn’t turned around to look at you or said anything, but he hasn’t told you to shut up and get out either, so you continue: “Ok, I wasn’t gonna bring this up as this was, you know, none of my business, but yeah. I have a confession to make. There was this one morning when I was really hungover and called down the wrong falcon to examine the message it was carrying, and that was how I found out you and Sect Leader Li had been dating for two years. And from what I could skim from that letter, which I definitely didn’t mean to do, it seems like he’s really into you boss. Or at least certain parts of you whoa haha who said that. Anyway. What I’m trying to say here is that it’s obvious you guys have a good thing going on, and I’m sure that if you would just be open and honest with him, you’d find that he was more than ready to believe you. Also I ran into Sect Leader Li at the Jade Shadow Club a month ago, and I could just tell that he’s a reasonable man that would be willing to consider your side of the story from the way he was pressing you up against the railing of the main balcony and kissing you sloppy” and finally this gets him to turn around. Your boss squints at you over the dim candlelight and demands, “why were you at the Jade Shadow Club?” Which is obviously the last thing you expected out of his mouth, so you stare back at him stupidly and repeat “what?” Then your boss just goes “why were you at the Jade Shadow Club the night I put you on first watch for warehouse duty?” And honestly, you cannot believe that this fucking guy would remember the exact time and date he assigned you a specific task but not your goddamn name, so you hold his gaze and deadpan “I don’t know, why were you at the Jade Shadow Club with Sect Leader Li the night you told us you were on an important business trip to the Royal Palace?”
And that’s when you realize your boss is in an exceptional mood, because he pretends he didn’t hear what you just said to him instead of immediately exploding your eyeballs with his mind, and you’re like “wait a minute. I know that look. Please tell me you have good news. PLEASE tell me you already talked to him and our peace treaty is back in place.” You follow your boss to his desk as he closes the window and walks over to stand behind it, and he’s looking at you like he’d rather his office was currently being ransacked by a rabid crab-eating mongoose when he finally opens his mouth and says: “Yes, Captain, the situation is being dealt with. While you’re wasting precious hours being sentimental and foolish, I’ve already set the first phase of the investigation into motion and had a major breakthrough. Because my love language is acts of service” and you’re like “well to be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a single kind of service you could provide the man when he still thinks you sent your men–which I am a part of–to butcher his brother like a pig and leave him to bleed out on the side of the road. But I am dying to hear it” and your boss just goes “oh it’s nothing really. I just sent a team to intercept the hearse on its way to the funeral and took his brother’s dead body”
Now you’re thinking, there’s simply no way that any of this is real and actually happening. You must be trapped in a malignant time loop in which every day a different person in your life makes it their mission to find all the combinations of words that would immediately send you into cardiac arrest, and just keeps saying them to your face one after another until it actually kills you; today just happens to be this guy’s turn, and he’s on a fucking roll. “….So I can have my own forensic experts do a thorough examination on it here,” he explains. “Soon as I show him the autopsy report and the list of suspects we got from it the wedding is back on”
“Ok.” You say, no longer listening and not really talking to him, “ok, we can still fix this. We will. What you’re gonna do right now is. You’re gonna write him a letter. You’re gonna mention all the good times you’ve had together in the past two years–make sure you mention that night at the Jade Shadow Club–you’re gonna explain everything to him, okay, you’re gonna beg for his forgiveness. And you’re gonna grovel. And then I’m gonna have my falcon–no, it wouldn’t reach him in time. You know what, one thing we can do right now is get our demo team in here and just blow up this entire building, maybe he would be able to see the explosion from our warehouse at the Bleeding Bodhisattva Harbor that he’s currently burning to the ground, and when he gets here your letter will be the only thing left for him to find in the rubble. Yeah. Yeah that could work” and then your boss just looks at you and goes “why would I do that and cause a man in mourning further distress?”
Then a window opens from the outside. Your boss’s personal secretary sticks his head into the room and says “hey boss? He’s not in mourning anymore. He’s coming here to beat your ass because now not only does he think you killed his brother, he’s also convinced that you stole his body to do weird stuff to it” and your first reaction is to yell at him “are you completely out of your mind? Get off of that ledge right now and get in here, we’re on the fifth floor for the love of–” (Your boss: “He’s been there this entire time. We were actually in the middle of an important discussion when you rudely interrupted us with your babbling”) Then your brain registers his words and you feel your soul leave your body. You look over to your boss, whose mood just brightens even further, and hear him say: “Really? He managed to find time to see me in that hectic schedule? I’m touched. Tell him to meet me at the Eastern Sea” And you hear yourself say “Why the Eastern Sea?” And your boss’s secretary just looks at you the way one looks at an insect they’re about to smear onto a rock and goes “you will never understand a warrior’s bond. God, this is why you’ve been here for ten years and still a fucking flag bearer” which would’ve been a devastating burn, except that you aren’t a flag bearer and actually joined the team just five months ago, so it actually makes you feel as good as anything possibly can given the circumstances. And then the circumstances quickly worsen as you find yourself on that ship heading out to the Eastern Sea, because today already sucks so fucking bad and this might as well happen, and suddenly surrounded by the blood-curdling screams of your shipmates and the thuds and thumps of their bodies dropping to the floor. “Hey boss?” You shout at him from your hiding place under the table, “I think Sect Leader Li is here to see you. You really should go out there and talk to him” and your boss is like “I’ll just stay right here and wait for him to come to me. I don’t want to seem desperate” and you’re like “you SHOULD be desperate right now. I am desperate. I’m desperate for you to get out there and words-of-affirmation us out of this mess, he’s killing everybody. He just killed Wang Qi” and your boss is like “who the fuck is Wang Qi?” And Wang Qi was your second-favorite nephew, but you don’t say anything because if he didn’t remember the last forty-seven times you told him he’s not gonna remember now. Now the noises outside are starting to give you a feeling that you should probably get as far away from your boss as possible while you still can, so you crawl out from under the table and haul ass, but the moment you emerge from the cabin you see something flying towards you. You try to duck out of its way. Years of working with falcons (and five months of working with people who are extremely good with hidden weapons and not at all opposed to using them to get a promotion) made you fast, but still not as fast as the fastest sword under the sky.
You can hear your boss finally getting out of the cabin; you turn your head with difficulty to see him slowly approaching, and because you’ve actually always had an embarrassing little crush on your boss (let’s be honest. Why else would you be here), as you lay there bleeding out on the deck, you’re still gripping all of your remaining consciousness and strength by its pussy to mouth at him “TELL HIM. TELL HIM YOU DIDN’T DO IT. TELL HIM EVERYTHING YOU DID WAS FOR HIM. GET ON YOUR KNEES AND APOLOGIZE. SHOW HIM THAT AUTOPSY REPORT”
The deadliest swordsman in all the lands steps over you, and raises his sword again. He points it at your boss, eyes blazing, and says through gritted teeth: “I’m going to give you one last chance. Where is my brother’s body?” And the last thing you see before darkness claims you is your boss looking him dead in the eyes and saying “Wouldn’t you like to know, only child”
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