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to whom it may concern (and there is a specific Whom, mind)

you know, i am not this deeply broken person. i'm just not. my wording? clumsy! but my actions? they aren't what you have fully convinced yourself they are. "before" meant years ago, talking to you at all meant finding a solution for both of us. being asked what i and i alone want to do? it's unhelpful. no one is "above" me, you were placed on that pedestal once when i was deeply unwell once upon a time, but i healed and grew on my own. my ability to love others and myself, it changed over the years, and i hate that you couldn't and wouldn't see that. i took my feelings about this and that and i put them down because i wanted to trust you more than my own wariness.

i tried to give you space to share, but you weren't interested, and i know now that you were already sowing quiet little hatreds and resentments of me despite my trying to get ahead of them. my biggest error was letting me get the better of myself and defaulting to overcorrecting and apologizing and taking responsibility for things i hadn't actually done. the worst of it was to be an awkward conversation, and i felt badly that you would feel awkward, and instead i was shut down, shut out, and discarded.

there was no punishment, i wanted to be honest. i wanted to let you know where i was coming from, and you chose to just, run with whatever it is you were feeling—and i'll never know because for all your supposed honesty, i knew very little about what you were thinking or feeling and had to tiptoe around lest i set you off and you toss me aside—and you crafted this, horrible iteration of me that didn't want you free. i wasn't ever upset when you mentioned previous experiences because even if you disagree, i've changed, and truthfully? it hurts the most that you thought so little of me that you believed otherwise among other things.

i'm sorry i wasn't as reassuring as you needed or in the way you needed, i'm sorry you didn't like my writing choices. i tried to give you space to speak, i feel as though i actively encouraged you to say your piece in our shared space you'd successfully had me thinking was ok and i see now i was wrong. every single step i made to be fair and honest with you wasn't up to your standard, and after having spoken with someone, i don't believe that's just me intentionally failing you because i'm this self-centered person. you don't have to like me, but i wish you could be fair and honest with yourself about me.

you can take aspects of a character i altered to try and make you happy and i don't want to look at anymore, you can rip me a new one for being creatively tepid and slow compared to your boundless enthusiasm, but i need you to remember i'd told you this was likely going to be the case; that i cannot keep up. also just, since when was this a competition? a quota to meet? that hurts. i have to assume this is resentment built up now, seeing as you'll do things like take little pieces of what i'd made while deriding me and my work, and you refused to try to speak to me, but just. leave me be. whatever this is, you've won. there is no new 'you' like you quickly found, there are no creative efforts to pick apart, it's just me asking to be left alone to recover.

i don't want you looking at my page. i know you and another individual are speaking, likely trading stories of my many failures, and that's a-ok, i own that i haven't done tight by people, but leave me be. i don't hate you, i'm just deeply hurt that no amount of change from me was good enough for you when you'd already made up your mind to be exasperated, on guard, and unhappy with me. i don't even know if that's true, but all i ever had was my assumptions so it is what it is still. it is truly the worst kind of pain to know you think i'm some awful person, but i can't fix that for you when you've already decided, so leave me alone. you've "won", congratulations.

and to the other party, you, i never hated. i struggled for years with my guilt and shame over acting so badly towards you while not once growing up and admitting as much to you and apologizing. i know it doesn't change things, but this is where things lie now. you know as well as i do that you didn't deserve the worst of me, but that's what i gave you without hearing otherwise. i couldn't spare you a kind word without talking myself down thrice as much, i was childish, mean, manipulative, and as you said, things were codependent, and i cannot apologize enough for any hurt and stress i caused failing to manage myself and understand those things so i could treat you with the respect and dignity and kindness when you needed it. i never said this to you personally because i figured leaving you be to heal was best, and i apologize if i was wrong and you needed to hear this sooner and directly from me. i truly do wish the best for you.

anyways. i trusted you and took your advice one last time to see the professional you thought i was so fucking messed up i needed to see or else, and i learned what i already know: i know damn well who i am where you refuse to and thus, do not. so, i am asking you to please, PLEASE just leave me alone for every single moment this is true. i don't write or draw things anymore, there's nothing to look at and comb through to tear every unsatisfactory detail apart, or contextualize as fantastically harmful, so please. there is nothing here for you anymore, i do not want to be subjected to things you think while being told to listen and remain unheard, or that my feelings don't matter, or be made an even worse villain when your own hurts make you vulnerable and i stumble, so leave me alone.