The Barkeep's In

Aries: unfortunate slave to an evil overlord, occasionally forgets how to breathe

Taurus: gets wings somehow, everyone thinks it's pretty rad

Gemini: the world's most powerful and longlived psychic

Cancer: leads a rebellion against Betty Crocker, then dies

Leo: finds true love and confuses archaeologists everywhere with confusing cave art

Virgo: majors in how to raise children while on the run from imperial forces, dies tragically

Libra: underestimates their rival and gets hanged in the most anime shit ever, also has a dragon

Scorpio: hates dragons, hangs people, sails the high seas, inspires ruthless young pirates for decades to come

Sagittarius: cries because of this one time he almost killed his best friend, hides in a cave for the rest of his life

Capricorn: joins a cult, also they're really tall. like, just, really fucking tall, it's 90% of their personality

Aquarius: sad man cries because no one wants to kiss him. doesn't realise it's because he's a desperate and unpleasant person