your cat was an honor to see in the window

when fictional creatures are characterized as having superhuman agility (e.g. some versions of vampires) i think they should also canonically have flabby skin. "this species has catlike predator traits" ok now give it catlike baggy skin for flexibility. make its tummy jiggle like a slinky

it's good that I will never be a dog breeder, bc I would make the elephant dog. long borzoi snout, chunky pitbull body, ears of a papillon

I told my little nephew that I'd wave at his airplane when it flew over my house today, and he very calmly and politely explained that it wouldn't be possible to see me due to the limitations of human vision. I said he just had to squint real hard, and he took a deep breath and went into the toddler version of "see, what you're not understanding–"

i just know there was a weird little girl in the middle ages out there stealing snake's eggs and putting them in her family's chicken coop in the hope of hatching a basilisk

hey can you come over and surgically remove this heavy, aching rot from my heart? we can watch a movie afterwards

“make friends” who am i doctor franking stein

used to live in a college town that was huge on sports. 80% of small talk was sportsball and so i developed an Evil Habit: whenever the conversation inevitably turned to the upcoming Big Game i would act excited and then confused. I would earnestly insist they had the details wrong. "the game next Saturday? don't you mean the Thursday after? playing against the [predator species]? no we're playing against the [other predator species]." And so on. i would draw this argument out for as long as feasibly possible, until eventually someone would pull out their phone to prove to me my wrongness. At which point I would squint exaggerated at the screen, slap my forehead in an eureka moment, and exclaim "oh you meant the MEN'S team!!! are they doing a game? that's nice."

life is better when you're not malnourished btw