i still want it all

loudly going "YOU'RE GOOD YOU'RE GOOD" to myself to ward off the memory of every embarrassing thing i've ever done

book covers for horror books are so boring nowadays. they need to go back to being gothic as fuck

i took a nap and woke up in all these goddam spinanch

the end of men in black is so funny. your boss trains you for two days on interplanetary relations then says "ok I think you can take it from here. I'm wiping my own memory so don't bother calling me if you have any questions"

This is just modern on site training

i think it’s funny when someone acts really angry about something you say online. could be whatever. and you check their profile and go. oh wait. you’re literally 14. nevermind. talking about this with you is like 100% useless. and they go “my age has nothing to do with this” like actually your age has everything to do with this. when you are 14 literally everything is influenced by how fucking 14 years old you are.

first thing id do as a skeleton is drink red wine from a goblet and have it spill out everywhere . second thing id do is play my ribs like a xylophone

my mom purposely overpaid her credit card bill by 1 cent so every month they send her a letter that says they owe her 1 cent and it costs them a dollar to send the letter plus the paper. she is costing corporations money 👍

Yes, but the added environmental cost of mailing a paper letter...

do you think they cut down a whole tree because my mom overpaid one cent. do you think they make one new piece of paper every time they need one

But trucks have to move that paper!

are you not aware that those trucks would be going either way. they aren’t taking another trip for one envelope

hello my name is billy postman, operator of the world's smallest and most environmentally harmful mail truck. it is one envelope big and requires thirty seven gallons of fuel to go one mile. (I personally am about one and a half envelopes big) my beloved truck is very slow and very loud and I hate both flora and fauna so so so much. I love corporations though

if i was a fine, fragile linen would you handwash me 🥺 or put me in that damned maschine 😑

I love women. I’m half woman myself on my mothers side.

The problem with putting s’mores as a technical challenge is that baking your own s’more from scratch defeats the purpose of s’mores which is of course to spend ten minutes trying to get a crappy store bought marshmallow the perfect golden brown color before going “fuck it” and letting it catch fire then frantically putting it on a graham cracker with hershey’s chocolate before it falls off of the stick you found on the ground

the main ingredient of s’mores is chaos. the secondary ingredient is open flame. only after that do you break out the cheapest possible ingredients and go to town.