SUBWAY DOUCHERY

a classic by any measurement.. if there is such a measurement.

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Hang in There

F…..I…..E…..R…..C…..E….. what happens when America’s next top America’s Next Top Dancer and his best friend/art school first year photography student join forces…. uhmmmm… can you not see the picture above? FIERCIOCITY!!!!! That’s what happens! He effortlessly hangs there over other passengers, checkin’ his iPod like, “Uhhhh… what song am I in the mood furr? While I’m perched above a bunch of black dudes that could OBLITERATE me and my chunky boots…” 

Speaking of… let’s be honest… it takes a lot of balls to climb up there in your skinny jeans in front of those dudes. The guy in the black leather jacket in the right corner of the picture kinda has a look that says, “I swear to God if this kid is up there for another second, the right fist that is in front of my mouth will be the right fist that is shoved inside Mr. Purple Shirt’s mouth. Why do I have to be part of some kid’s performance art project when I’m just trying to go to work?”

tale as old as thyme...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Close Encounters 

Ohhhhhhhhhh we’ve all been there…. just plain ol’ not sure if you’re going  the right direction and you gotta check the map! It can often take two or three stops just to build up the courage to walk over, admit defeat, and try to pretend you are not in a horribly uncomfortable situation with the poor sucker sitting in front of the map. 

Here are the two ways it’s most often handled:

1. The Apologizer - Often walks up shooting apologies from the hip! "Really I’m sorry.. I just need to see one quick thing… Uhmmm.. okay, thank you! Sorry to bother." In most cases, they were so focused on apologizing they didn’t actually clearly check the map and are more confused than before they walked over.

2. The Invisible Man - This requires the unique human being who is utterly not self aware. They act as if they are invisible and will look so close at the map behind you that either their lips or crotch (depending on height) will graze your forehead. But to their credit, they will know exactly where they are going… and you will know exactly whether or not they need a breath mint.  

a spooklassic!

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Nibbler the Terror Clown 

Good thing I’m on my way home… because I just crapped my pants.. It’s very disconcerting to see your biggest childhood fear sitting across the train car casually reading old text messages. Almost looking bored… how can you look bored when you are dressed like a friggin’ Terror Circus?!?! 

His received texts imagined:

"Thanks for bringing back my 5 year old's stutter." 

"Sorry man, not tonight. All the other juggalos think you are terrifying."

"I don’t care about your ‘art’, Nibbler! YOU CAN’T WEAR LEATHER CHAPS TO A CHILD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY!"

"TOMORROW NIGHT!!! Meet me at Union Sq. and bring as much menstrual blood as you can carry!"

"Can’t wait to finally meet you. this is my first blind date ;) what will you be wearing so I know it’s you???"

SUBWAY DOUCHERY presents...

GOOF CITY PODCAST Ep. 28 Flowers: Animal Style

DOWNLOAD HERE!!! DOWNLOAD HERE!!! DOWNLOAD HERE!!!

Subway Douchery presents...

Goof City Podcast Ep. 25 Chapter 10 Time Management The Chase Bernstein Movie Review franchise kicks off! Rob Gleeson has gone Hollywood and Tom Sibley's topics sound like self help book chapters. Other topics include: Chris Pine, Domino's Pizza, prostitution outside Gleeson's apartment. Send your own topics to [email protected] Like Goof City Podcast

from the crapburger that brought you Subway Douchery...

GOOF CITY PODCAST Ep. 23 Achieve Orgasm We talked about sex, drugs, musicals and dental care. Chase opens up, Gleeson smelled like fish, Tom is ready to die during turbulence. Email your own topics to [email protected] and follow goofcitypodcast

The Douchery presents...

...stay cool with this classic!

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : There Will Be Sweat 

Running late… got a bit of a hangover… it’ll be fine, had a couple of leftover pizza bagels and I’m not sweating that bad so… OH MY GOD! Is this Lollapalooza ‘94? Is this guy (http://bit.ly/dbey3B) going to crowd surf onto the train? The sign says one minute but I think I’ve been standing here for hours. Everyone looks so angry. Oh no, my back is starting to sweat… it’s over. I’m going to get fired but it doesn’t matter because I’m going to live the rest of my life on this subway platform…

It will be beautiful… All of us will ban together as one cohesive society, watching packed trains drive by! We’ll ration our pre-made lunches and cigarettes. We’ll take the best looking members of our society and make them procreate in front of us. We’ll stuff purses with news papers for pillows. We can elect a king and dress him in our finest pre-underground clothing. I’ll finally get to that novel I’ve been meaning to write… Fuck it! I don’t care how packed the next the next train is because I’m stuffing myself into it the same way this guy stuffed himself into those jean shorts!

a classic by any definition...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Bag Lady

- Well… my recurring “How to Dispose of a Dead Prostitute” nightmare has finally seeped into reailty.

- … I think the old man did it.

- There has to be a better way to transport sex robots.

- Is that Kanye West’s girlfriend, Amber Rose?

- I’m really trying to avoid eye contact… and arousal.

-  A production still from M. Night Shyamalan’s remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Stranger on a Train…

- … remake titled Strangers on a Train with a Dead Lady in a Bag. It’ll probably be as good as his last three movies.

- If You See Something, Say Something… or in this case If You See Something, Curl Up In A Foetal Position And Start Sucking Your Thumb.

- I know walking in heels is suppose to be difficult but this is a bit much.

- I think it just winked at me! 20 years of good luck!

from the morons at Subway Douchery...

GOOF CITY PODCAST Ep. 21 Gooch City

Gleeson hates the title. Chase and Tom love it. Topics discussed: airports, grundles, and exit strategies. Submit your own topics to [email protected] and follow @GoofCityPodcast

classics never die..

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Turn The Other Butt Cheek

You know what, ladies, you’re right. Men are the worst. We are horrific, ugly people concerned only with food, sex, sleep, football, buffalo wings, wind surfing or whatever the Hell we like. We are just a bunch of Jim Belushi’s cigar fartin’ our way from one hoagie to the next without even the slightest consideration to the people that surround us. The days of three piece suits and masculinity were murdered in cold blood by sweat pants and Old Navy…

Due to the picture above, it’s the only explanation I could come up with. Only two ways this guy can go: Either he is some how unaware that his naked ass is exposed while he’s on public transit because he’s too lazy to pull up his pants OR he’s some sick freak that gets off on having his milky disgusting butt cheeks in the faces of other citizens of this planet. The woman pictured is the essence of dignity and control and should be nominated for sainthood. Right after she inserts the shiniest girthiest blackest dildo directly inside this “gentleman”.