Crazy Guy Upstairs

Crazy Guy Upstairs ...but the kitchen sink!

On this morning, before I'd even made coffee, I was prancing around our pool snapping cell phone pics. Neighbors saw me and I gave them a responsible glance. As if to say, "I'm taking care of it." They might have assumed I was sending the pics to the company that owns the building but they'd be wrong. I was simply taking care of a day's Instagrams.

Let's see what we got:

Boot Completion- The pair is complete. My Beatles tribute band just got a bit my stylish.

Coffee mug- Me thinks someone should switch to decaf.

Television Remote Innards- As long as it's the innards of electronics and not the innards of me, my roommate, one of our neighbors, or anyone at all, I'm cool with it.

Crazy Guy Upstairs The Dishes Are Done, Man

At this point, everyone in my apartment building knew the Crazy Guy Upstairs was no longer fucking around. Suddenly, clothing and footwear seemed adorable compared to dishware soaring off a third floor balcony. Our days of innocence had passed and we were no longer sharing bemused shrugs about our trouble making neighbor upstairs. We were now saying things like "Should someone call someone about this?" "I think someone should call someone about this." and "Someone should call someone."

A pair of pleated slacks drops on your head and you got a story to tell your friends over dinner. A complete set of dishes drops on your head and you might get a less attractive look for the rest of your life. You could also be killed. But getting a good photo of it will defs up your Instagram Likes.

Crazy Guy Upstairs Sock It To Me

Gross, right? Wet socks. Especially, wet dress socks. Especially, wet dress socks floating in your pool. I found these socks to be the most offensive thing the Crazy Guy Upstairs ever threw into our pool. What a fuck you to everyone that lives in this building. "Yeah, take that ya suckers! Let those puppies steep and the pool will be filled with my footbag tea!", I imagined he screamed in Russian as he flung his black dress socks into our pool.

Furthermore, black dress socks are the villains of the sock world. They are the only thing a husband wears while cheating on his wife in a cheap motel. They are what I'm assuming most dictators wore stretched tight to the knee. They love finding their way into the lint trap and now they get thrown into community pools by crazy neighbors.

Crazy Guy Upstairs This Boot Was Made For Throwing Into A Pool

Pretty nice boot, right? A mop top era Beatle boot is a quality item to have floating in your apartment's pool. Hell, I was kinda impressed. I assumed my neighbor was crazy but would have never assumed he was also a fashionista. I began to look forward to what pieces of couture might drop from his third floor balcony. I knew my stock in West Hollywood was definitely on the rise.

Crazy Guy Upstairs Shark Attack

Okay, so it's not a shark. But doesn't it kinda look like shark? No? Alright, can we both agree that it looks like something that should not be floating in my pool? Yes, I knew we could find common ground. Turns out it was a very thick brown velvet blanket. I like to think that the Crazy Guy Upstairs knew summer was coming and had no patience for such warm creature comforts. The blanket had nowhere else to go but down from his third floor balcony into our pool.

Like a cloud, I would watch it make shapes and see what I wanted to see. I would see things like deep sea creatures, oil spills, and me living in other apartment buildings. The super fished it out and it sat next to the pool for a few days. What does a wet brown blanket look like plopped next to a pool, you ask? Well, it looks like a large dinosaur took a quick dump before it went for a swim. I don't often have guests over.

Crazy Guy Upstairs One Leg At A Time

Pants. The fabric shackles of mankind. Day in and day out we're forced to stuff our fat thighs into these unforgiving flesh covers that seem to tighten at the mere thought of delicious food. Everyone knows that the most comfortable way to live in Southern California is nonstop sun dresses. 

This is why crazy guy upstairs said see ya later, SLACKS! He happily pitched his 36 regulars into our building's pool. Free at last, free at last, dear God Almighty is that a body floating in the pool?!? Little known fact: when pants float like that on the surface, at a glance, the mind completes the picture and adds a body. So when you take a peak out your window, for a brief moment, you see a dead body floating face down in your apartment's bacteria filled pool. The severe pang of horror quickly dissipates as you thankfully remember that you live with a crazy person that loves throwing shit in the pool.

Crazy Guy Upstairs Innocent Beginnings

Who could have known what lay ahead? New to Los Angeles, I picked my apartment building because it vaguely reminded me of where the Karate Kid lived. And to me that said California. I don't recall if the Karate Kid's neighbors were made up entirely of Russian immigrants well over the age the age of 65 but I knew we were both making a fresh start.

I always thought having a pool in my building would be the source of non stop sexy adventures. Babes, bikinis, beers, buds, burgers, bolognese, etc. Turns out, it's just pretty gross. The one and only time I swam in it was during a heated break-up to cool down the heart strings. After diving in and swimming to the surface, a very large and heavily used bandage almost floated into my mouth. I lost interest in swimming from then on. 

I saw this pizza menu floating in the water one day and thought it would grab a few likes on Instagram. Neediness knows no bounds. So I posted it with the caption "Califronia Dreamin." Little did I know that dream was about to turn into a nightmare...